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“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” – Barnett R. Brickner
Years ago, my family and I embraced a minimalist lifestyle. We decided that too much clutter had collected in our home and it was demanding too much of our money, energy, and precious time.
We embarked on a journey to sell, donate, recycle, or remove as many of the non-essentials possessions from our home as possible. It was one of the best decisions we ever made.
When we began removing the “stuff” from our life, we found a whole new world open up. We found that we had more time for the things that we valued most.
Now, as a result, we spend more time at the dinner table, we take longer walks as a family, and we have been able to save money for some worthwhile experiences—like a weekend at the beach, for example.
Removing the non-essentials has allowed us to focus more on the essentials. And we have discovered that true life is found there.
Often times, our marriages follow the same trajectory.
At first, when we have nothing but each other, we focus intently on the important building blocks of a healthy and successful marriage. But as our relationship continues forward, “stuff” begins to accumulate and begins to distract us from the very essentials of what makes a good marriage.
Suddenly, we worry more about the appraisal value of our home than the value of our relationship. We check the health of our retirement account far more often than the health of our marriage. Or we spend more time taking care of the car in the garage than the other person in our bed.
Things begin to accumulate in our homes and lives and soon demand our money, energy, and precious time. As a result, we have little left over for caring for the very elements of a happy marriage.
Wise couples realize that a nice home, car, or retirement account may appear nice to have, but they do not make a successful marriage. They understand that there are far more important principles at play.
They have learned to invest their money, energy, and time into the 8 essentials of a healthy marriage:
1. Love/Commitment.
At its core, love is a decision to be committed to another person. It is far more than a fleeting emotion as portrayed on television, the big screen, and romance novels. Feelings come and go, but a true decision to be committed lasts forever—and that is what defines healthy marriages.
Marriage is a decision to be committed through the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. When things are going well, commitment is easy. But true love is displayed by remaining committed even through the trials of life.
2. Sexual Faithfulness.
Sexual faithfulness in marriage includes more than just our bodies. It also includes our eyes, mind, heart, and soul. When we devote our minds to sexual fantasies about another person, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse. When we offer moments of emotional intimacies to another, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse.
Guard your sexuality daily and devote it entirely to your spouse. Sexual faithfulness requires self-discipline and an awareness of the consequences. Refuse to put anything in front of your eyes, body, or heart that would compromise your faithfulness.
3. Humility.
We all have weaknesses and relationships always reveal these faults quicker than anything else on earth. An essential building block of a healthy marriage is the ability to admit that you are not perfect, that you will make mistakes, and that you will need forgiveness. Holding an attitude of superiority over your partner will bring about resentment and will prevent your relationship from moving forward.
If you struggle in this area, grab a pencil and quickly write down three things that your partner does better than you—that simple exercise should help you stay humble. Repeat as often as necessary.
4. Patience/Forgiveness.
Because no one is perfect (see #3), patience and forgiveness will always be required in a marriage relationship. Successful marriage partners learn to show unending patience and forgiveness to their partner. They humbly admit their own faults and do not expect perfection from their partner. They do not bring up past errors in an effort to hold their partner hostage.
And they do not seek to make amends or get revenge when mistakes occur. If you are holding onto a past hurt from your partner, forgive him or her. It will set your heart and relationship free.
5. Time.
Relationships don’t work without time investment. Never have, never will. Any successful relationship requires intentional, quality time together. And quality time rarely happens when quantity time is absent.
The relationship with your spouse should be the most intimate and deep relationship you have. Therefore, it is going to require more time than any other relationship. If possible, set aside time each day for your spouse. And a date-night once in a while wouldn’t hurt either.
6. Honesty and Trust.
Honesty and trust become the foundation for everything in a successful marriage. But unlike most of the other essentials on this list, trust takes time. You can become selfless, committed, or patient in a moment, but trust always takes time. Trust is only built after weeks, months, and years of being who you say you are and doing what you say you’ll do. It takes time, so start now—and if you need to rebuild trust in your relationship, you’ll need to work even harder.
7. Communication.
Healthy marriage partners communicate as much as possible. They certainly discuss kids’ schedules, grocery lists, and utility bills. But they don’t stop there. They also communicate hopes, dreams, fears, and anxieties. They don’t just discuss the changes that are taking place in the kid’s life, they also discuss the changes that are taking place in their own hearts and souls.
This essential key cannot be overlooked because honest, forthright communication becomes the foundation for so many other things on this list: commitment, patience, and trust—just to name a few.
8. Selflessness.
Although it will never show up on any survey, more marriages are broken up by selfishness than any other reason. Surveys blame it on finances, lack of commitment, infidelity, or incompatibility, but the root cause for most of these reasons is selfishness. A selfish person is committed only to himself or herself, shows little patience, and never learns how to be a successful spouse. Give your hopes, dreams, and life to your partner. And begin to live life together.
This is a simple call to value our marriages, treat them with great care, and invest in them daily.
Accomplishing the marriage advice listed above will always require nearly every bit of yourself—but it so worth it if you want to learn how to have a happy marriage.
A successful and healthy marriage is more valuable than most of the temporal things we chase after with our lives. And will always last longer.
Jeff says
Hi Josh, It is so great to see a guy post something like this. You send such a great message. We would really like to have you write a guest blog post for our site The Groom’s List (http://thegroomslist.com). Please let me know if you would be interested!
Adam says
When my wife and I decided to get married, we were told by most people that our marriage would fail because we were so different. We come from different countries and cultures, speak different first languages (although we both have learned each other’s language), and are different ages. We thought that our marriage would succeed because we have so much in common- a common religion, common goals, and a common desire to have a good life and raise a family together. Nearly eight years later our marriage is stronger than ever, we have three children that embody both of our backgrounds, and we are very happy with our life. All eight of the points you mentioned have been crucial for us, but especially patience, humility, and selflessness. These things may make one appear weak to society in general, but they are the keys to what has made us successful.
Thanks for this great post!
Tiffany Wilson says
So funny that you would post this today. My husband and I were smack in the middle of an argument when I plopped down and headed over to your blog and this pops up. I have to be honest, after I read #1, I clicked out. I was upset and didn’t like being reminded about the commitment part. So here I am, 2 in the morning and after spending some time reading in my Bible I remembered I never finished reading all 8. Thanks for calling me out. You are right. Being committed in the good times is easy…but when the hard times come it becomes difficult. Not because you stop loving the person, but perhaps because we shift our focus from their good qualities to their “bad” ones. Guess I needed to be reminded that “a deals a deal” and I took vows. And another thing you were right about…forgiving really does set us free. How could I not forgive my husband when God has forgiven me so much? I’m glad I came back and finished reading the post. :)
Darcy says
Excellent, excellent article. So important to strip down everything else and remind ourselves what is really important in life.
Thanks for sharing!
Darcy
Kristin says
I agree completely Darcy. Thanks for a great post Josh!
Living the Balanced Life says
Great post Joshua!
We were just discussing this at our church small group last night. Most couples tend to work on career and then family and then their relationship. It is crucial that we don’t let things get in the way of working on our relationship with our spouse.
Oh, and btw, hubby and I will be married 30 years this June!
Bernice
Be authentic, be engaging, and be ready for change
joshua becker says
Hooray for you Bernice – on both accounts.
Marnie says
I’d like to think my marriage has most, if not all, of these elements. My husband and I will have been blissfully married for 14 years – tomorrow (Feb. 1)!
You’re bang on with your list!
joshua becker says
Congratulations on 14 years! Kim and I are close behind with 12.
Tariq and Shaheera says
Hi Joshua,
Great tips! I think it’s great for those who aren’t married but who are in commited relationships as well. After all, if we don’t practise these things before marriage, it would be a bit harder to cope once there’s tangible commitment and other responsibilities.
I especially agree with being selfless. Like you said, selfishness is the root of all the problems in a relationship. If we couple being selfless with humility, working out problems would be easier.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us! :)
Tariq and Shaheera
joshua becker says
Thanks Tariq and Shaheera. I completely agree. These principles are absolutely transferrable to many of our existing relationships as well.
Ray Merkler says
I agree 100% with everything but #2, which I think applies an unhealthy level of absolutism to sexuality. Denying one’s sexual impulses to such a degree causes just as much cheating as the impulses themselves do when left completely without check. And the repressed cheater is more likely to be unsafe about it to boot! There needs to be a balance. Both partners need to understand, respect, and empathize with their spouses’ sexual urges. It cultivates honesty in a relationship. In some cases, it does mean allowing a little bit of roaming for the sake of sanity. It most cases, it means letting your spouse have his or her fantasies without feeling judged.
And in ALL cases, these issues need to be discussed before marriage is even proposed.
I think Dan Savage says it best here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm9Bwpxy4V0
joshua becker says
I disagree with you here Ray. I have just seen too many marriages complicated and ruined by sexual unfaithfulness. Sexual fulfillment is most often found under the umbrella of commitment.
Sanity is not found in sexual roaming. It is found in sexual commitment. The one thing I do agree with is that matters of sexuality most definitely need to be talked about prior to marriage.
Ray Merkler says
That’s certainly the case for at least 51% of people, but everyone has urges, and forcing ourselves to repress them can lead to feelings of shame.
That and everyone has different standards for faithfulness. This is a fairly spiritual blog, and as someone who was once Catholic, I empathize with your perspective on sexuality, but the vast majority of people will, at some point, find themselves thinking, “I sure would like to have sex with [insert name of someone who isn’t a spouse].” I feel like your philosophy on sexuality will make these individuals think they’re bad people for having these desires. In reality, they’re perfectly healthy, so long as they aren’t used to destructive ends.
Which, again, what could be destructive depends on one’s perspective on sexuality. There are millions of polyamorous couples out there (you wouldn’t know it, as most of them are frightened of being judged for it — ahem :) ) who understand each other’s desires for sex outside of their relationship and encourage it. Why they prefer their relationships this way doesn’t matter: It’s what keeps their relationship solid, and most importantly, faithful.
Because sexual faithfulness doesn’t always have to mean sexual exclusivity. Above all else, sexual faithfulness means sexual *honesty*, both to oneself and to one’s partner.
JLundholm says
There is no shame in having urges, that is a part of being human. To make choices based on higher values, long-term outcomes, and personal commitments is not repression, it is self-expression, and the exercise of self-discipline over our urges is a source of pride.
I can accept that some polyamourous couples “work”. Some couples that allow for sexual expression outside the marriage work. I have no spiritual comittment, except to evidence and reason, and from a purely practical/pragmatic viewpoint, I would never recommend a sexually open marriage. If you have a polyamourous relationship that works for all involved, then congratulations, but it’s a low probability outcome. Some lottery ticket buyers win– I would never, however, recommend playing the lottery as a retirement plan.
Dalbir Chana says
If you are married, then you married one person, therefore you would need to be sexually exclusive if you respect that person. If you have urges and who doesn’t then it is better to acknowledge them and let them pass … you need to trust that you made the right choice at the alter. Truly it is that simple.
Mark says
Ray – I disagree about the roaming. I was married for 27 year and roamed with my eyes and thoughts for all of those years. I have since met a woman, and married her, that stopped that roaming in it’s tracks! I don’t even look at other women anymore. Whatever has happened between my wife and me changed my brain completely. I don’t look and have no interest in looking. I want to be completely faithful in body (which I have always been) but also in mind. The most beautiful woman in the world could walk into the room and I wouldn’t even take a second glance…I don’t care to. I don’t know whether it was committing to it or finding the right woman, but it happened, and it’s amazing.
Li Ling says
Joshua, I agree with you regarding sexual faithfulness. If you love someone so much and commit to him or her, how could you fantasize someone else? From my own experience, I will not have any interests to a man who checks out and flirts other women while he is in a relationship with me. My ex-husband is like that. Of course, I left him.
I also really like other points you made in your “8 essentials of a successful marriage”. I read other similar articles by other authors. But yours is the best.
ben says
Are humans monogamous?, the answer is “they can be” but the universal answer is no. We are wired to reproduce with as many other humans as we want to, to continue the circle of life. Religions like to label things, and tell others what is “right” and “wrong”, Though we humans, can do everything in our nature, and there is no one up stairs to control or judge our vast behaviors
tina lemna says
You have amazing insight, your wife is very blessed to have you for a partner. (but i’m sure you are blessed too) love your blog, keep up the good work.
joshua becker says
I’m far luckier than she is, that’s for sure.
Patience eroh says
Nice one
Amanda says
Great article! Thank you for sharing this!
KIGGUNDU LUKE says
This is the best article i have ever read.Thanks for saving ma marriage.LOL
Kyle says
Excellent article – thank you! My girlfriend and I went over each of these tips last night. It led to frank, honest communication and was a real turning point in our relationship! We will surely revisit these points again down the road.