“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness.” —Seneca
This is a truth about life and relationships. But it starts with an illustration from a website.
The Internet can be a tough place. Readers and commenters hide behind keyboards and IP addresses. Safe in their home or coffee shop, some people go to great lengths to attack people and positions through the words they post online. Without the disadvantage of standing eye-to-eye with their opponent, they express disapproval, anger, or jealousy using words in comments, tweets, and blog posts they would never use face-to-face. We call them trolls and haters.
I’ve received my fair share. Not an inordinate amount (this community is among the most encouraging on the Internet), but certainly enough. It’s tough to be in the public eye nowadays without receiving some negative feedback and personal attacks.
But if you watch closely, you’ll notice I have a specific formula when addressing negative commenters on this blog or social media. I usually begin by thanking the commenter for the question or comment.
On Becoming Minimalist, it will read like this, “Thanks for the comment xxx and thanks for the opportunity to clarify my thoughts on this point.” Then, my kind response is followed by a clear answer to the charge (if it requires a response). Answer kindly. Answer clearly.
But this is not just an article about commenting on blogs. This is an important truth about life and relationships and people—because there are trolls and haters in every walk of life.
There is an old Jewish proverb that goes like this, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” I have found this to be true over and over again in my interactions online and offline.
Gentle words soften the spirit of the accuser and exposes their foolishness to others. It prepares the platform for you to present your argument effectively. Kind and generous words do not prevent you from clearly presenting your argument, they make your case stronger.
In our interaction with others, we should work hard to counter harsh statements and attitudes with kind words. In our marriages, in our workplaces, in our neighborhoods, and in our relationships online, turn away negativity with positivity.
When you are attacked, hold your ground and state your truth. But beginning your response with just one sentence of gentleness will soften hearts and lay a much firmer foundation on which to stand.
Laura says
Thank you for this. Made me take a deep, relaxing breath!
Reminds me of a few other Bible principles…
Treat others as you would like to be treated.
“Clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering.” (Colossians 3:12)
“A slave of the Lord . . . needs to be gentle toward all, . . . keeping himself restrained under evil, instructing with mildness those not favorably disposed.”—2 Timothy 2:24, 25.
And more. What a better way to live!
Allie says
So well put…don’t fight fire with fire but with water!
Stephen Klinger says
There are some Ben Folds lyrics in the “Songs of Love” that pop into my mind when I’m getting frustrated or aggravated: “Fate doesn’t hang on a wrong or right choice. Fortune depends on the tone of voice.”
BrownVagabonder says
I really need to follow your advice to deal with haters using kind and gentle words. Unfortunately, my default is to yell back with equal fervour. I try to keep calm, but I always end up taking it as a personal attack.
Forrest Snyder says
What you speak of is called “grace”. When confronted, one has the option of escalating or responding with grace. I have found that my life is much more pleasant if I respond with grace. Grace offered is powerful, and grace accepted is a joy.
Lois Smallwood says
Totally agree…though as previous commenters have said…doesn’t always work..but at least you keep yourself ‘right’ …graciousness is a rare quality..good on ya!:)
Lara says
I love that you always thank the person first when dealing with a negative comment.
I’ve learned that when communicating about difficult subjects with people I know that it’s always a better experience when I use Truth and Love. It’s my favorite passage (Ephesians 4:15)—it definitely requires mindfulness because sometimes my first reaction is exactly that: a reaction, rather than a response. It takes thought to craft a response in love and kindness…I wish it occurred more on the internet!
Janice says
Thank you Joshua, your article brought me in and ended with an unexpected surprise and enlightenment
John says
While I believe that gentle answers should turn away wrath, I have encountered many enraged attacks on the calmness with which I respond. It seems like some people get even angrier when I don’t lower myself to the level of aggression.
Thoughts as to why?
Sherri says
Thank you Joshua for improving my life. You were part of what motivated us to sell everything and move to Central America as missionaries which was my dream since childhood. We got down to four suitcases, from a two story house! Recently at a conference were advised: “Always be kind, even when it seems pointless, even when it seems hopeless, even when the person doesn’t deserve it. That is all your creator has given you the right to do. What you cannot accomplish with kind words you will not accomplish with harsh ones.” S.K.
Annabelle says
I so want to remember this!
Premala says
So beautifully said Sherri. And to Joshua too for its so enlightening. And I believe it’s true what Joshua says in his article. Thank you for enlightening.
Annie says
What they want is to provoke a response and start a fight and they will continue to try so long as they think they can succeed. This is a much milder example, but my father used to love to tease me when I was little. It was really harmless stuff but I was very sensitive then and would get so irritated and huffy. My mother had repeatedly told me that he would stop if I didn’t react since that was his goal. It finally sunk in one day and I tried ignoring him. It was tough the first few times, but he eventually gave up and never did it again. I still think of this example whenever I am faced with someone who is trying to rile me.
Susanne says
Yes i have experienced this in some cases, too. There are people who get even more aggressive when spoken gently to. They are only a few, fortunalety. But they exist.
I always adress myself to people in a friendly way. And in 99% it works really well :-)
stephanie says
John,
Just my perspective but I’m guessing that your gentle answer has embarrassed them (how they acted) and that is whey they are even harsher with you. Some folks are just looking for an argument and nothing you can say or do will help the matter. You just need to remember that a persons response is a reflection of them, not you and you should be at peace with how you acted regardless of their response.
Kim says
I think this only ‘works’ if the gentleness comes from our heart. If not, we are really using a gentle manner to mask our aggression and manipulate others. People can sense this, and naturally it is upsetting.
Steve says
Sometimes our actions can become a part of us and thereby change our hearts.
Laura says
This is a sweet and calming article to read first thing in the morning. Thank you for the reminder of kindness. Oh, and “a gentle answer turns away wrath” is found in the Bible, Proverbs 15:1. It’s a principle with great power, in my experience.
Keith says
thank you Joshua and Laura
scott says
Proverbs 15:1 was written by a Jew. :-)
Helen K says
Laura, Joshua and Scott – all of the old testament, and much of the old testament, were written by Jewish people (some of whom in the new testament had also become early Christians). Really good to remember how much we share in common (and that goes for aspects of other religions too). Proverbs 15 is great (not sure if it has a different name in Jewish writing?) – but so important to remember :-)
Nermeen says
Same meaning in Quran : “And not alike are the good and the evil. Repel (evil) with what is best, when lo! he between whom and you enmity would be as if a warm ( close) friend ” translation of the meaning of the verse 34. Surah Fuselat, al Quran . 41:34
Sally says
Wow, this really hit a chord with me. I try to do this but sometimes I forget or I am tired and default to sharpness.
I like this especially “Kind and generous words do not prevent you from clearly presenting your argument, they make your case stronger” and I will keep working towards it. It would be fabulous to one day be the person who always responds kindly as well as clearly.
Rochelle says
Beautiful post! I have a horrible temper that I struggle to control, and this post reminds me of why it’s important to be gentle and speak kindly in the world. I’ve found that I can get very angry with the people I love most, and your post emphasizes why it’s a good idea to stay calm and clear.
Michelle May Balke says
Love this, Joshua Becker! I have been following you for a long time! I love your work!
Michelle Balke, San Diego
Alex says
A a humble and mindful way of disarming your acerbic critics. Life’s to short to get caught up in vicious little battles!