“Comparison is the thief of joy.” —Theodore Roosevelt
I’ve struggled with it most of my life. Typically, I blame it on having a twin brother who is five inches taller with much broader shoulders. But if I was being truly honest, more likely, it is simply a character flaw hidden somewhere deep in my heart.
I’ve lived most of my life comparing myself to others. At first, it was school and sports. But as I got older, I began comparing other metrics: job title, income level, house size, and worldly successes.
I have discovered there is an infinite number of categories upon which we can compare ourselves and an almost infinite number of people to compare ourselves to. And with how flooded we are by social media, it’s easier than ever to constantly find someone “better” to compare ourselves to, which only serves to make us feel bad about ourselves.
Once we begin down that road, we never find an end.
The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as any other emotion. Certainly, I’m not alone in my experience. But it is a decision that only steals joy from our lives. And it is a habit with numerous shortcomings:
- Comparisons are always unfair. We typically compare the worst we know of ourselves to the best we presume about others.
- Comparisons, by definition, require metrics. But only a fool believes every good thing can be counted (or measured).
- Comparisons rob us of precious time. We each get 86,400 seconds each day. And using even one to compare yourself or your accomplishments to another is one second too many.
- You are too unique to compare fairly. Your gifts and talents and successes and contributions and value are entirely unique to you and your purpose in this world. They can never be properly compared to anyone else.
- You have nothing to gain, but much to lose. For example: your pride, your dignity, your drive, and your passion.
- There is no end to the possible number of comparisons. The habit can never be overcome by attaining success. There will also be something—or someone—else to focus on.
- Comparison puts focus on the wrong person. You can control one life—yours. But when we constantly compare ourselves to others, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our own.
- Comparisons often result in resentment. Resentment towards others and towards ourselves.
- Comparisons deprive us of joy. They add no value, meaning, or fulfillment to our lives. They only distract from it.
Indeed, the negative effects of comparisons are wide and far-reaching. Likely, you have experienced (or are experiencing) many of them first-hand in your life as well.
How then, might we break free from this habit of comparison?
Tips on How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
How do you stop constantly comparing yourself to others? Here are some useful tips that have worked really well:
- Be aware of its ill effects. Take notice of the harmful effects comparing yourself to others has on your life. Intentionally remove it from the inside-out to free yourself from the damage this mindset has had on you.
- See your own successes. Whether you are a writer, musician, doctor, landscaper, mother, or student, you have a unique perspective backed by unique experiences and unique gifts. You have the capacity to love, serve, and contribute. You have everything you need to accomplish good in your little section of the world. With that opportunity squarely in front of you, become intimately aware of your past successes. And find motivation in them to pursue more.
- Desire the greater things in life. Some of the greatest treasures in this world are hidden from sight: love, humility, empathy, selflessness, generosity. Among these higher pursuits, there is no measurement. Desire them above everything else and remove yourself entirely from society’s definition of success.
- Compete less and appreciate more. There may be times when competition is appropriate, but life is not one of them. We have all been thrown together at this exact moment on this exact planet. And the sooner we stop competing against others to “win,” the faster we can start working together to figure it out. The first and most important step in overcoming the habit of competition is to routinely appreciate and compliment the contribution of others.
- Practice gratitude. Gratitude always forces us to recognize the good things we already have in our world. Remind yourself nobody is perfect. While focusing on the negatives is rarely as helpful as focusing on the positives, there is important space to be found remembering that nobody is perfect and nobody is living a painless life. Triumph requires an obstacle to be overcome. And everybody is suffering through their own, whether you are close enough to know it or not.
- Take a walk. Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to others, get up and change your surroundings. Go for a walk—even if only to the other side of the room. Allow the change in your surroundings to prompt change in your thinking.
- Find inspiration without comparison. Comparing our lives with others is foolish. But finding inspiration and learning from others is entirely wise. Work hard to learn the difference. Humbly ask questions of the people you admire or read biographies as inspiration. But if comparison is a consistent tendency in your life, notice which attitudes prompt positive change and which result in negative influence.
- Compare with yourself. We ought to strive to be the best possible versions of ourselves—not only for our own selves but for the benefit and contribution we can offer to others. Work hard to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Commit to growing a little bit each day. And learn to celebrate the little advancements you are making without comparing them to others.
With so many negative effects inherent in comparison, it is a shame we ever take part in it. But the struggle is real for most of us. Fortunately, it does not need to be. And the freedom found in comparing less is entirely worth the effort.
Stop comparing yourself to everyone else’s highlight reels.
Further Reading
- USA Today covers a study performed by researchers from Lancaster University that highlighted the common feelings of depression that follows frequent posting on social media. It’s worth a read to see how platforms like Facebook can negatively affect our mental health.
If you’re interested in reading the study yourself, you can find it here. But be aware that the study itself isn’t accessible for free (while the USA Today article is free to read).
Leeza says
What about when your children often compare their parents to their friends parents what are you to do then ? :(
joshua becker says
That is the adult’s opportunity to be the parent in the family, realize the comparisons are likely unfair, and help the child understand that. A child’s perception of another child’s parent is always based entirely on what they see, what they presume, and their imagined best-case scenario of how the other family functions.
The role of the parent is to be the best-possible, most-loving, most-selfless parent they can possibly be. And to play that role with intentionality, humility, and confidence—never sacrificing any of the three.
Bernadette says
Great piece. Thank you for sharing. Comparing ourselves is a virus. It seems like we’re conditioned to fall into this from a young age, particularly with all the messages that come at us from marketing, social media, advertising. It’s can be so subtle it’s almost unrecognisable. Loved reading this article. Great message for people of all ages to read, but also particularly passionate about young people hearing this, little ones who are learning how to walk in this world embracing their unique selves!
B :)
joshua becker says
I almost always believe it is a combination of outside messages and inward tendencies.
Merri says
I work at a non conventional school, and a challenge we face all the time is helping parents see their children for who they are rather than in comparison to the other children. How fabulous it is when parents can do that! On the flip side of the comparison topic, there are times when one needs to have an “objective” assessment of one’s skills, or one’s health, and then comparison to a “norm” is so helpful. I’d love to be able to tease out the healthy use of comparisons, given that the comparisons you are writing of are indeed unhealthy. Angela, your note above is a great case in point!
joshua becker says
Thanks Merri. There are certainly times we can find inspiration and learn from others (you referenced some very helpful examples). Perhaps I could have teased that out a bit more in the second-to-last point. But the danger enters when I begin comparing myself unfairly to those norms. For example, compared to societal norms and objective measurements, I may score low in musical abilities, but I may score higher in writing abilities… or a child may score low in academic measurements, but incredibly high in creative measurements.
Angela says
This is such a great reminder right before the holidays!
I’m guilty of comparing my Christmas décor down to having better snacks at my holiday gathering.
Make sure I have a cute outfit, great gifts, cute Christmas cards, and the list goes on and on!
It’s exhausting and such a waste of the season.
This hit home – THANK YOU!
joshua becker says
Enjoy your holidays. You’ll find making a conscience decision to enjoy a simpler holiday will help in this area.
Michelle Russell says
Nice post, Joshua.
You do something here that’s all too rare in “self-help”-type articles…you don’t simply show us the problem and tell us to try to fix it, but you validate it for us and show compassion for the way it’s an inherent part of our personalities (“The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as any other emotion. Certainly I’m not alone in my experience”).
Only then do you go on to give us your tips. :)
I think this kind of comparison tendency probably served an evolutionary purpose for us (“Here’s a threat. Let me assess it to see if it’s safe to meet or whether I should run instead.”). So that would explain why it seems to be such a hard-wired response.
Like you, I’ve slowly come to understand the futility of constantly comparing myself to others. It really never ends, does it? For me, the most important thing to keep in mind is your point #7…it’s such a waste of energy to focus on the people and situations we *can’t* control. Much wiser and more fruitful to do what we can with our own lives.
I also like Linda’s point above that comparison is just as damaging when we see ourselves as superior to others rather than inferior. Excellent observation. :)
joshua becker says
Thanks Michelle. I continue to realize more and more there are very few uncommon human struggles. Deep down, most of us are very similar.
Linda says
Well done. I’d like to add that the habit of comparing oneself to others and emerging with an attitude of superiority is equally soul-damaging.
joshua becker says
I agree entirely Linda. Because in those moments when we compare ourselves to others and begin to develop a sense of superiority, our comparisons are still unfair. We never have the full picture.
Zohra says
I agree. But I still end up comparing myself with others.
Diane Overcash says
Well and beautifully said.
I think the key is to live directly in the moment. Look around you and connect with what is going on right NOW. Connect with your feeling about it and accept what is happening right now. That doesn’t mean that you dreams and desires will never come true. It means that in this moment you are alive and content.
Diane
BrownVagabonder says
It is odd how this works out – but I will be happily going about my business, content with life and everything in it, and suddenly, I will see someone thinner, taller, prettier, better dressed, richer, or whatever. All of my content feelings dash to the ground and I am mired in depression – just because of comparison. I know that comparison is wrong, as we are all on different paths, with different destinations and different timelines. But I still do it all the time and every single time, I compare myself to another, I always fall short in my mind, because there is always something that they are better at, and I’m worse at. It is the worst situation to deliberately put myself into – because I know in some arena I will fall short being an imperfect human. But why do I do it again and again? I look out for the phenomenon now. Every single time I am looking at another with those comparing eyes, I try to stop myself. I try really hard to think about something else, distracting myself. Little by little, I’m able to either stop myself completely, or bounce back from the depression that I feel when I compare myself to another.
everlearning says
I do this very same thing … over and over and over. I try so hard to stop it and it does stop for a while and I think (haha) I’ve conquered it; that I’m happy and content with my life and I’m done comparing and competing. Then – WHAM! I’m right back there and I hate being there. The one thing that gives me great hope is that I realized the other day I’m much more aware of it, how very damaging it is, how unfair it is to me and to the other person, what a colossal waste of time it is, and that I’m learning as time goes on to be proactive about it – to try to stop it right when it starts and not brood over it or feed it. It is so destructive and I hope and pray that some day I will be so much better at handling this ugly thing.
joshua becker says
I agree. You state it up very nicely, “It is the worst situation to deliberately put myself into.” I included a short sentence in the article above I have found to be particularly helpful when I notice myself in those situations. Appreciate and compliment. When I begin to sense the feelings of comparison arise, I find the act of sending a note of appreciation to be helpful. It could be via Twitter, Facebook, email, or text (depending on personal relationship with the person). But just a simple one-sentence compliment is super-helpful in entirely shifting my focus in the moment. And the best part is, in the end, both people are blessed by the action.
Julie says
There’s a danger in comparing my self to myself, too. We can’t go back in time and change our choices or start again. I find that the hardest comparison to let go of is the idealized self: who I thought I was supposed to be by this time in my life. Unfortunately the door is forever closed to that particular aspiration. And that’s the comparison (what I wanted to be and cannot be) that is the hardest to let go.
Thanks for a really thoughtful post. Going to read it again, and allow myself to be gentle with my choices rather than critical of them.
joshua becker says
Thanks for the comment Julie and the opportunity to clarify. My intention is that we could look back and see how far we’ve come and how much we’ve grown. And rather than leaving us frustrated, it would motivate us to continue forward.
Lex Weinstein says
I took it as that as you intended, Josh. We can only move forward, and we would never be the people we are today without experiencing even the toughest, most unfortunate experiences of our past. It is when we can acknowledge, forgive and have gratitude that we can be free of the chains of yore and feel confident in a lighter, happier tomorrow.
Zohra says
What if there is nothing motivating to look back at. You are where you were back then infact you feel you are worse now. What then? All you have is a life full of regrets which you have to face every other moment.You can see others so happy with the decisions they have made but you are not happy with the decision you have made and you end up feeling like a nobody.
Rona says
Zohra – you are a SOMEBODY SPECIAL!!!!! God made you in His image for His purposes. So you can be in a relationship with Him loving Him as He loves you. Check out Psalms 139!! Today is a great day to embrace all you are because He loves u! Don’t buy the lies. I may not be where I want to be at this moment but I know God has a plan & He will CONTINUE to provide, protect & guide me. He will do this for you also. BELIEVE!! I encourage u to find a good church like Berean or Evangelical that’s has some small groups to join. Best way to find truth in midst of godly support & loving people. Praying for you!!
Bob says
NIcely done! Reminds me of the lessons taught in 2Corinthians chapter 10 and Romans chapter 12. Most of us have been taught these biblical lessons but it’s good to be reminded once in awhile. Thanks!