“Comparison is the thief of joy.” —Theodore Roosevelt
I’ve struggled with it most of my life. Typically, I blame it on having a twin brother who is five inches taller with much broader shoulders. But if I was being truly honest, more likely, it is simply a character flaw hidden somewhere deep in my heart.
I’ve lived most of my life comparing myself to others. At first, it was school and sports. But as I got older, I began comparing other metrics: job title, income level, house size, and worldly successes.
I have discovered there is an infinite number of categories upon which we can compare ourselves and an almost infinite number of people to compare ourselves to. And with how flooded we are by social media, it’s easier than ever to constantly find someone “better” to compare ourselves to, which only serves to make us feel bad about ourselves.
Once we begin down that road, we never find an end.
The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as any other emotion. Certainly, I’m not alone in my experience. But it is a decision that only steals joy from our lives. And it is a habit with numerous shortcomings:
- Comparisons are always unfair. We typically compare the worst we know of ourselves to the best we presume about others.
- Comparisons, by definition, require metrics. But only a fool believes every good thing can be counted (or measured).
- Comparisons rob us of precious time. We each get 86,400 seconds each day. And using even one to compare yourself or your accomplishments to another is one second too many.
- You are too unique to compare fairly. Your gifts and talents and successes and contributions and value are entirely unique to you and your purpose in this world. They can never be properly compared to anyone else.
- You have nothing to gain, but much to lose. For example: your pride, your dignity, your drive, and your passion.
- There is no end to the possible number of comparisons. The habit can never be overcome by attaining success. There will also be something—or someone—else to focus on.
- Comparison puts focus on the wrong person. You can control one life—yours. But when we constantly compare ourselves to others, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our own.
- Comparisons often result in resentment. Resentment towards others and towards ourselves.
- Comparisons deprive us of joy. They add no value, meaning, or fulfillment to our lives. They only distract from it.
Indeed, the negative effects of comparisons are wide and far-reaching. Likely, you have experienced (or are experiencing) many of them first-hand in your life as well.
How then, might we break free from this habit of comparison?
Tips on How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
How do you stop constantly comparing yourself to others? Here are some useful tips that have worked really well:
- Be aware of its ill effects. Take notice of the harmful effects comparing yourself to others has on your life. Intentionally remove it from the inside-out to free yourself from the damage this mindset has had on you.
- See your own successes. Whether you are a writer, musician, doctor, landscaper, mother, or student, you have a unique perspective backed by unique experiences and unique gifts. You have the capacity to love, serve, and contribute. You have everything you need to accomplish good in your little section of the world. With that opportunity squarely in front of you, become intimately aware of your past successes. And find motivation in them to pursue more.
- Desire the greater things in life. Some of the greatest treasures in this world are hidden from sight: love, humility, empathy, selflessness, generosity. Among these higher pursuits, there is no measurement. Desire them above everything else and remove yourself entirely from society’s definition of success.
- Compete less and appreciate more. There may be times when competition is appropriate, but life is not one of them. We have all been thrown together at this exact moment on this exact planet. And the sooner we stop competing against others to “win,” the faster we can start working together to figure it out. The first and most important step in overcoming the habit of competition is to routinely appreciate and compliment the contribution of others.
- Practice gratitude. Gratitude always forces us to recognize the good things we already have in our world. Remind yourself nobody is perfect. While focusing on the negatives is rarely as helpful as focusing on the positives, there is important space to be found remembering that nobody is perfect and nobody is living a painless life. Triumph requires an obstacle to be overcome. And everybody is suffering through their own, whether you are close enough to know it or not.
- Take a walk. Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to others, get up and change your surroundings. Go for a walk—even if only to the other side of the room. Allow the change in your surroundings to prompt change in your thinking.
- Find inspiration without comparison. Comparing our lives with others is foolish. But finding inspiration and learning from others is entirely wise. Work hard to learn the difference. Humbly ask questions of the people you admire or read biographies as inspiration. But if comparison is a consistent tendency in your life, notice which attitudes prompt positive change and which result in negative influence.
- Compare with yourself. We ought to strive to be the best possible versions of ourselves—not only for our own selves but for the benefit and contribution we can offer to others. Work hard to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Commit to growing a little bit each day. And learn to celebrate the little advancements you are making without comparing them to others.
With so many negative effects inherent in comparison, it is a shame we ever take part in it. But the struggle is real for most of us. Fortunately, it does not need to be. And the freedom found in comparing less is entirely worth the effort.
Stop comparing yourself to everyone else’s highlight reels.
Further Reading
- USA Today covers a study performed by researchers from Lancaster University that highlighted the common feelings of depression that follows frequent posting on social media. It’s worth a read to see how platforms like Facebook can negatively affect our mental health.
If you’re interested in reading the study yourself, you can find it here. But be aware that the study itself isn’t accessible for free (while the USA Today article is free to read).
Kavita Rathore says
It’s very well written and I know comparing myself to others will not help me in any phase of my life, still at times it gets too difficult to think in right direction and stop comparing myself to others. I feel miserable about myself and facing lot of problems in my personal life
because of this attitude of mine. Can you please help me in changing my approach towards life.
Callie says
Thank you Josh for writing this article. I’ve been struggling with envy YEARS. I always found myself comparing to others, wishing I had their life, wondering what their life is like. No matter how many times I try to hide it nor bury it, the feelings keep resurfacing. I find this article helpful.
Jimmy says
Thanks for this article, very interesting read.
Dmitry says
I’d like to say thanks to Joshua for taking time to write this amazing article. This comparison thing has been gnawing at me for some time. With me it works both ways – I’ve felt superior to my friends and the people I know and inferior to those who are better than me at something (even at things I don’t really like). I’ve realized I might be wrong in the first case,and I’ve really been trying to be nicer to my friends and close ones.But I just can’t shake that feeling of being worse than others or thinking that if I’m not just as good or even better than them at something then I’m good for nothing.
sudha says
i am teary eyed..yes i do this all the time…knowing how much it hurts and kills my spirit..but will try all ur steps…it was one of those days for me…glad i read ur post..god bless u
Barry Sturgis says
Really sad thing I compare myself to you Joshua and come up short. What a great sight you have created. I could never create something like this. But on the possitive side, I’m using your positive influence to stop the comparing and live the simple life. Thank you for your help. I’m making a list of all the positives about me. It’s a start.
Tracey says
Thank you!’ This is one of my biggest “demons”. Great article!
Melvine says
I’d be lying if I’ll say that I haven’t compared myself to others thinking that they are better than me or vice versa. But like everyone else, I’m on a constant process of avoiding such thinking. I do remember myself comparing my life to others that they are lucky since they still have their parents with them while I’m still somehow stuck on the thought I have recently lost both of them. Until one day I’ve met someone who grew up in foster care, someone being abandoned by her parents. Then there I go feeling so grateful for the times that I’ve shared when my parents were both still living. A big part of myself told me not to compare myself to others because at some point, I might feel somebody else’s pain or struggle just for me to appreciate life even more, which I guess, shouldn’t be the case. We alI walk on different shoes and I always have to remind myself regarding that fact. I do remember Ernest Hemingway saying, “there is nothing noble being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”
Thanks for the wonderful message and I hope we’ll all find inner peace.
Chase Candler says
Joshua,
You have described a the problem and given a solution. I believe the problem is something we could all do with out. Big ups man good work!!
Namaste,
Chase
Dana says
Such an important reminder! Having just finished a long job search I was definitely sucked into the dangerous comparison game. It is very unhealthy and it is important to be happy with what we have and who we are. Thank you!