Becoming Minimalist

Own less. Live more. Finding minimalism in a world of consumerism.

The Example We Set

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“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” —James Baldwin

An interesting story is told of Monterey, California, a coastal town, that quickly became a pelican’s paradise. As the local fishermen returned each day to clean their fish, they would fling the unused internal organs of the fish to the pelicans. The birds graciously accepted their gift and as a result, quickly grew fat, lazy, and contented. Eventually however, when the fishing industry in Monterey took a downturn, the free meals began to slow for the pelicans.

When the change came, the pelicans made no effort to fish for themselves. Instead, they waited around and grew gaunt and thin. Many even starved to death. Because of the free handouts, they had forgotten how to fish for themselves.

To remedy the situation, an unprecedented solution was sought: import new pelicans from the south accustomed to foraging for themselves. These new birds were placed among their starving cousins, and the newcomers immediately started catching fish. Before long, the hungry pelicans followed suit, and the famine was ended.

My son is 12 and my daughter is 9. Right now, and for a little while longer, we live together as a family. This, then, represents my great opportunity to prepare them for life. Whether we like it or not, our children are soaking up values from us as parents about how to live, how to work, and how to achieve significance. We serve as their most trusted examples for life.

Embracing a life content with fewer possessions has modeled for them the important truths that personal belongings are not the key to happiness, that security is found in their character, and that the pursuit of happiness runs a different road than the pursuit of possessions. These are, of course, valuable life lessons they will never learn in a world that often promises short-term happiness in ready-wrapped packages.

There are countless truths I desire to pass on to my children: being content with less is among the most important.

Since embracing the principles of minimalism, I am overjoyed at some of the lessons my children have learned. They have learned:

They don’t need to buy things to be happy. We own far fewer things than we did years ago. We purchase far fewer things than we did years ago. Yet, we are far happier than we were years ago. Go figure.

They don’t need to live life like everyone else. Even though they are not quite old enough to understand all of the intricacies of our minimalist life, they completely understand we have made a decision to live differently than most people in our neighborhood. Our lifestyle has given them permission to live a countercultural life.

They can live within their means. Although our children are not balancing our checkbook, they do hear us speak often about debt, the joy of not being in it, and our desire to stay out of it.

They ought to think carefully about their purchases. Because we believe in giving our kids opportunity to find/grow in their interests, we still need to buy things: toys, school supplies, art supplies, and sporting goods. We just think through our buying decisions more carefully. This is an invaluable lesson for children to learn as they get older. We no longer buy something just because we have the money, we buy things because we need them.

They should gladly share with others. Since we became minimalist when they were young, they have grown up watching us donate many of our belongings to others. They have seen generosity in action.

Clutter is a distraction. They have seen how minimalism creates a home where clutter is scarce. And when it does show up, it can be quickly remedied—and usually is.

The joy of spending time together. Our minimalist home has allowed us the opportunity to spend less time purchasing, cleaning, organizing, and sorting things. We have gladly replaced the time we spent managing stuff with time spent together as a family.

We are in control of our stuff. Not the other way around.

Joshua Becker

About Joshua Becker

Writer. Inspiring others to live more by owning less.
WSJ Bestselling author of The More of Less.

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Comments

  1. There are so many studies that show just this: that the most effective way of teaching your kids is modelling. I needed to be reminded of this today, after several days of feeling down about external factors and finding that it was affecting not just me but also the whole family. I’m making an effort to remember to be grateful for being able to spend time together, meaningfully and to be resilient in the face of (hopefully temporary) adversity.

    Your phrase: “This, then, represents my great opportunity to prepare them for life” really resonates! Thank you!

  2. Good perspective this morning, Joshua! Talk is cheap, but modeling impacts for a lifetime.

    Our kids turn away if our words and actions don’t align, don’t they. Thanks for this gentle reminder to live what we speak.

    Blessings …

  3. Great Article! I especially resonated with point #2 – they don’t need to live like everyone else. I have personally found through practicing minimalism as a parent, that my kids have learned to be content with what they already have – and they continue to use those things until they have worn out – and are less concerned about always having the latest version of the iPhone or other “hot item”.

    As a practicing child psychologist, I see kids (and their parents) experience unnecessary stress all the time because they are too busy wanting things they don’t have that they forget to appreciate what they do have – and each other. So sad.

  4. I don’t have any children in my life at the moment, so I am focusing on setting a good example for everyone around me, no matter the age. Just a few days ago, I was able to bring a former shopaholic to a clothing swap and completely change her perspective on shopping, stuff, and the environment. Little by little, one person by one person, I am bringing the idea of minimalism over to the people in my circle, and the people who surround me.

  5. I have been loving your recent articles, Joshua. Well written words of wisdom are alway great to come by. Thank you for putting yourself out there and saying what most people believe, but are scared to admit.
    Our children are like sponges – they will soak up whatever is in front of them. Since its us, their parents, they see most, they will very accurately mimic us and act the same way we do.
    Thanks again for this article!

  6. Good morning. I am so tickled to see a very current post from Joshua Becker today. But I love the archives just as much for the comment community. Hope you all have a great day.

  8. Yes! Our children model what they see us do. Whether it’s how we think about the stuff that surrounds us, the food that we put into our bodies, or the ways that we interact with others, they are watching and absorbing.

    This is a good reminder. Thank you.

  9. I actually have to leave a relationship because of this. After years of personal struggle I finally have chosen to free myself.
    Living with a partner with children from another marriage can be challenging enough, but when values collide it makes it that much more difficult.
    She has 2 children ages 12 and 14. Her family is fairly large and wealthy. They have need for nothing. As such they have a heavy influence on her children who even after going through Waldorf schooling fall right into the materialism trap.
    No one in her family practices minimalism. I am the lone duck and I am exhausted trying to combat it. No matter how much I may model minimalism, her family models the exact opposite. Conspicuous consumption, acquisition of wealth and things, etc.
    The example has to be strong, consistent, and unified with children. Otherwise you are swimming upstream.

    • What an incredible challenge you’re facing Graham. Stay strong!

      I find the word consistency coming up more and more often in my life. Everything from diet and nutrition to approaches to dealing with conflict in the workplace.

      Thanks for sharing your story.

    • Totally understandable. You have to pick your battles in life, and if your partner’s lifestyle and values don’t mesh with yours, I see no future there. It takes not only insight about your own vision and needs but strength to walk away when you realize it’s not a good fit.

    • I’m sure that’s difficult, but I highly doubt you’ll regret your decision. My parents are still married but they each had previous marriages and children from them, and blended families are difficult even in the best of circumstances. I always advise people to think very, very, very carefully before getting into relationships with people who have children from previous relationships, because few people seem to realize how much more difficult it is than a conventional relationship unless they grew up in such a complex situation themselves. Conflicting values and lifestyles only make it even worse. I believe minimalism is as much about simplifying relationships and commitments to make sure they meet your needs without unnecessary and avoidable stress as much as it is about simplifying your living space.

  10. This is REALLY fantastic. I just got back from Ecuador where I worked with children in a low-income part of Quito. These children definitely live with less– and are in many ways disadvantaged– but there are lessons we can learn from them too.

    I actually wrote a piece about what I’ve learned from kids who live with less– it’s here: http://simplicityrelished.com/lessons-ive-learned-from-kids-who-live-with-less/

    Thanks so much for this post.

  12. Another great article, Joshua! I love the pelican story, as well as the lessons your children have learned.

    I tripped over something in your 4th paragraph — the idea that you’re setting an example for your children about “how to achieve significance”.

    Can you say more about that, and what you mean by it?

    I recently read an article by Peter Bregman, entitled “Stop Worrying About How Much You Matter” http://peterbregman.com/articles/stop-worrying-about-how-much-you-matter/#.VbZZSbnbKpo — and there are other ideas that I’ve come across about the “willingness to be ordinary”. Those ideas resonate very much with me.

    To me, there’s a truth here, that a lot of us fight against — that for most (almost all) of us, our individual lives don’t “matter” very much at all. Several hundred people are born and die every day! Sure, we do what we can to live an honourable life and to bring something positive into the world, but 100 years from now (or much sooner), we’ll be gone and forgotten. Completely. To me, it’s a relief to recognize that, to face it, and ultimately to accept it — and to stop striving for importance or significance. It’s really about accepting our mortality.

    Those ideas, about being willing to be “ordinary”, seem to be counter to your comment about how to “achieve significance”.

    I’d be very interested in your thoughts.

  13. Will agree with this wholeheartedly except for one point….Children do not always follow the minimalist path because their parents do. Even though you may not subject them to the propaganda of television (and other media) they do live in the world. Unless you are completely isolated, they see what others have and opportunities they miss because of your life style. The lust of the eyes is strong and their hearts are not your hearts.
    Don’t get me wrong, here, as my husband and I have lived as minimalists most of our married life. We raised five wonderful children “outside the box” and they value our opinions and support our path… but do not always choose to live without the “extras”, even though they know how. I support them on their paths and, they will agree, I reserve the right to say “I told you so” when things don’t buy happiness. :)

    • In fact many young people reject much of what their parents modeled. How many people do you know who walked away from the religion stuff taught to them by their parents? I completely rejected my parents’ political and social views, they were reactionary capitalists and I wanted none of that. I’ve been a communist my entire adult life – what a surprise. :) Studied it in school, teach it to others, and have been an organizer in various liberation struggles both here and abroad.

      A lot of minimalism probably comes out of having had a childhood in which not only was nobody wanting for anything, but there were no limits placed on “stuff” and it was at the expense of loving healthy relationships with the caregivers. It wouldn’t surprise me if many minimalist lifestyles begin this way rather than because it was modeled in the household.

  15. I do not think that minimalism necessarily equates to having miniscule possessions. I think minimalism has more to do with accountability for what one has, for the work one performs, integrity, loyalty, sharing, compassionate, and of course living with values of modesty. One may be quite unhappy in a scarcely decorated home. I don’t think minimalism is only concerned with consumerism. It seems to be the new mantra for living a greener, fresher, less encumbered existence where we give, interact, help, and strive for that old “peace” talked about but rarely achieved through selfishness.

  16. Quite true, Joshua: the power of our example.
    Demonstrating to our children how to live, to work; the essence of work-ethics, dedication and the importance of character and honesty – that it far outweighs physical possessions.

    And then puberty happens, and is soon followed by adolescence – and they do make their own choices! Some wisely, some less so.
    But, all is not lost. Stay the course. Continue giving love and acceptance.

    Even though we are frequently made aware of our mortality and life’s brevity – we can and should teach our children and others to lead lives of significance. We should not confuse it with celebrity or fame – it is about impacting other’s lives through simple, but powerful acts: showing kindness, accepting unconditionally, forgiving, encouraging, giving our time, listening, being there, sharing life. Yes, giving our love.

  17. While I don’t have children of my own yet, this is a topic I’ve been mulling over lately. Specifically, my father’s inherent minimalism and my lack thereof. My parents grew up in socialist Poland, so there’s that. My mother is definitely not a minimalist (she enjoys things, and also struggles to part with things—which I think can be the opposite and perhaps even more frequent effect of living during those times).

    I, of course, rebelled in my teenage years against my father deeming many of my wants as frivolous or too expensive. And now, while I don’t have children, I still find myself having a hard time reconciling what I believe (minimalism and conscious consumption are important) and what I often do (instant gratification) or find easiest (throw money at the problem).

    My father, though he has many flaws, is frugal in the right ways. He lives a cultured life and travels often. He spends money on experiences over things. He has also always made room for his passion (painting) even when they were just scraping by. While I certainly absorbed his love of travel, sense of humor, easily riled up temperament and creativity, his frugality and minimalism I did not. I wonder if it comes out of our clashes during my teenager years, his failure to explain his choices as a philosophy (which I don’t think it was to him—it was second nature), or something entirely different.

    As you can probably guess, I am pretty early on in my journey towards minimalism. When I consider how I should be living my life, I wonder how I can eventually raise my children in a way that inspires them to adopt minimalist values. That requires me to, of course, adopt them fully first.

  18. Kids really do imitate the adults, and that’s a wonderful thing. It does pay to be “selfless” for this purpose, even just for a while, time flies so fast anyway. We may not notice it but kids feel our presence through all their senses. They look up to us. We should take care of that privilege.

    Thanks for creating a mix out of minimalism and family values. Loved it! Great post, as always.

  19. Very inspirational article Joshua. I’m in a journey of developing my character and focusing in what’s important, people, not things.
    I’ve been inspired by your articles, they give me a Christ like perspective of life and that’s what I love the most about everything here at Becoming Minimalist.

  20. I have teenage girls who like many are very influenced by what their friends have and especially wear. Inundated they are with a constant barrage of nonsense telling them how they should live if they are to be satisfied with life. Ever since I can remember, I was always intrigued by what others owned and thought it would be best for me to own it too. Now, very close to 50, I can finally look at what other people own with a logical analysis and determine for me, if that thing would add positively to my possessions, or the very opposite. 99% of the time, with a little thought, I discover it is the opposite. I can’t seem to impress my kids with minimalism no matter how much I talk about it. The world of living with as much as you can is pretty exciting for them. One thing I have been sucessful imparting on them though, is understanding that living without debt is the ultimate anti-cultural and liberating lifestyle that the minimalist will have before anyone else.

    • I understand your point. It really does not matter how much you model for children. Ultimately, they are adults waiting to be. And the greater culture seems to always trump whatever you teach.
      You really have to live in isolation or some community of like minded people. It is the only way to get children to adopt minimalism.
      Modern parenting has gone from expecting something from children to expecting absolutely nothing. Children no longer are asked to practice critical thinking or come up with their own cures to boredom. Why would they? Everyone around them are showering praise on them for even the smallest things and photographing every moment of their lives. Everything is all done for them well into their teens. So they just come to expect that someone will always do everything for them. Mainly mommy. A result of the patriarchal culture dying away. The imbalance is shifting to the matriarchal which is having negative effects too, just like too much patriarchy.
      The neon glow, the shiny objects, the promise of ultimate instant gratification is really too much for children to resist. They do not have a prefrontal lobe that is developed and everything is pretty much whim to them no matter how much you show or tell. They care little for wisdom. They want the instant, now. American consumer culture knows this and wraps it up in the funnest, shiniest packages imaginable.

  21. We filled my son’s room with good books when he was young, and a wall sign from Elbert Hubbard that says,” Boredom is a matter of choice, not circumstance.”

  22. Those are real strong lessons for your children to learn. But I would also stress that having a good nest egg is another important lesson to teach. I have a new saying for my child, “Money doesn’t buy happiness, but Money does buy options”. When you have money you can bring back the control into your own life. You no longer need to be dictated what to do by a unfair boss. You can make your own decisions and forge your own path. You also get the option to live where you want to live, instead of having the lack of money dictate your lifestyle. Minimalist is fine, but good school districts, and safe environments for your family are the things that only money can buy. So I stress to my child that money is not evil in itself, but it won’t make you happy to only focus on it. But it’s still important to being reach your full “Happiness”.

  24. Some minimalism seems to have consumerism attached to it, ironically enough. When I see photos of “minimalist” living spaces, it looks like the house/apartment itself and its contents cost a fortune. It doesn’t matter that the place is sparsely populated with items, but each item looks very expensive.

    There’s little talk in the minimalist movement about the horrors of capitalism underpinning all this wild consumer acquisition. It would not surprise me if most minimalists ARE capitalists. How they square that in their minds is anybody’s guess, since by definition capitalism is about acquisition, exploitation, and growth. I’m guessing this is an uncomfortable subject for minimalists.

    But much of the minimalism movement seems to be competitive in its interpretation, but capitalist society in general tends to do that to people, even minimalists.

    • I guess there is no real way to separate capitalist consumerism with the philosophy of minimalism. Just by living in this system we are all bound to the god of money, even if you have little to none.
      This is a deeper discussion that very much involves children as kids are a big driving factor for a lot of people chasing after money.
      What I see is that as long as we continue to show and tell children that money is the only way, they too will become devote worshippers of the money god, thus perpetuating this twisted system.
      To ever see this truly change we need to start discussing the ills of worshipping money and encourage children to brainstorm, reform or all together change the way we trade goods and services. It would be a radical shift away from a system that has disenfranchised and disempowered so many.
      Real human worth and empowerment shouldn’t come from what the # in your bank account says.

  25. Article on seniors and minimalism??? Transition from living a life that may have been different.

    • I don’t have access to any such articles, but after my sister passed at age 49 and my mother, siblings, and I had to sort through her house, we all realized how much stuff one accumulates. (I’m also an avid watcher of “Hoarders”, which also helps). My mom is a packrat but has since purged bc she’s realized that things don’t make you happy. If you don’t have stuff to be stolen, issued, locked up, and stored, a huge weight is lifted off of you.

  26. I like this blog a lot. It brings children to think more about what they can produce than what they can consume to live a minimalistic lifestyle like this. And production instills self confidence!
    here’s my blog: http://barrymannilow.org

  27. I am a mother raising children in a relatively affluent part of the country (while being non-affluent), and this post resonated with me. The self-entitlement, one-more, bigger, better attitude of some of my children’s peers is a force my husband and I battle with every day. I thank you for your encouragement!

  28. I needed to read this again today to re focus. I’m so upset with myself I failed today on this front. On a shopping trip to buy a gift for someone I let my daughter get away with demanding various items for herself and against my better judgement purchased it for her when really I should not have, particularly given her poor behaviour demanding/yelling in the store. She was pushing my buttons and I got flustered and upset with her, yet I rewarded the poor behaviour. I’m really down about it, I handled it poorly. I normally set a boundary before we go shopping and she will usually accept this. How do I rectify this now?? I feel I’ve allowed it once she will repeat the behaviour. I’ve told her we won’t be buying anything new for a while and if there is something she wants she can put on her christmas wish list. Other ideas, help please!

    • You did reward the poor behavior but we all make mistakes. Use the frustration with yourself to remind you not to give in again. If she tries this again, remove her from the store and go home. If she’s old enough to remind you that she got the toy last time, gently explain that mommies make mistakes, too, but that you are not doing it anymore. Hang in there!

  29. Perhaps the example is that there is an alternate way to live. And that you have a CHOICE. What your kids ultimately choose as adults is their own business. But the opportunity to see folks live a counter culture lifestyle – which is what debt/clutter/longing-for-more is, gives an advantage.

    Nice article.

  30. Wow, I have seen the opposite in action where the kids had to have the latest and greatest of every techno gadget and phone that came out on the market. It left the parents bankrupt, the kids poor in spirit and parent dependent even into their 30’s and very, very discontent. They were never content for a moment with what they had and are still not as adults. Breaks my heart for them. Hope people read your articles and take them to heart. Being a minimalist sets one free to truly live life and truly enjoy less stress, pressure and strife!!!

  31. Oh my …it’s the adult children who concern me .And they are the models for their children . I’ve just read this twice and I have to read it again . The comments are excellent . I have to have a deeper understanding , and begin to see when it all began. Then I have to let it go . My money values are so unlike some of my friends. When did excessive consumerism begin ? Was it the introduction of the credit card and instant gratification ?

  32. Interesting article – I was raised in a very similar fashion where my parents actively taught and practiced many (perhaps all) of the values mentioned in your post. What is fascinating to me is that my siblings and I have all independently gravitated toward more ‘maximalist’ lifestyles.. large homes, many ‘things’ (no debt, luckily that one stuck for all of us), and all feel much more comfortable with homes that are ‘full’ vs. ‘sparse’. Just something to consider as each generation matures and interprets lessons and lifestyles of their parents.

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