I’ve never been very good at remembering people’s names. Or at least, I’ve never been as good at remembering names as I would like to be.
But I’m getting better—and I trace much of the change to a specific event that happened in my life many years ago.
Now, I know there are tips and tricks and books and courses you can take to get better at remembering names. I’ve even tried a few. But for me, the lesson I needed to learn was deeper, more introspective. There was something else getting in the way.
This became clear a number of years ago while speaking at an event in Wisconsin. It was a cold, winter evening outside. But inside was warm and pleasant. When I finished speaking, as people were departing, a lovely couple came up to meet me.
We exchanged names and pleasantries. And because the environment was quiet and informal, we continued to talk for the next 10-15 minutes on a wide-range of topics. It was wonderful.
But when they walked away, it dawned on me that I had entirely forgotten their names. And by “forgotten,” I mean totally forgotten—like I don’t think I even remembered the first letter of their names, much less the entire thing.
I knew I would probably see them again the next day and I could certainly cover over the fact that I didn’t remember their names until I had chance to glance at their name tag—I’ve done it a thousand times before.
But on this particular evening, as I got into my car and drove off into the cool night, I felt a bit of sadness. I was sad that I wasn’t able to remember something as simple as the names of two people I very much enjoyed meeting.
Slowly, I began to ask myself why. Rather than trying to remember their names, I started asking why I was unable to recall them. I was sure they mentioned them. I mean, I could picture the moment where I held out my hand to shake theirs.
I remembered them stating their names, but all I could remember from our interaction … was me … stating mine.
They introduced themselves, but all I can remember was introducing myself.
And suddenly it struck me.
I entered the conversation—as I do so often—with the desire to be known rather than to know. I was trying so hard to say something impressive or witty or intelligent that I entirely missed what they were saying on the other side of the conversation.
I wanted them to know my name more than I wanted to know theirs.
I wanted to share my expertise rather than seek to learn from theirs. I wanted opportunity to tell my story more than I wanted opportunity to hear theirs. I wanted to be known more than I wanted to know.
I could not remember their name because I was too focused on them remembering mine.
I’ve run through that conversation countless times in my life over the years. These days, as much as possible, when I meet somebody new, I try hard to remember their name.
I don’t always get it right. But I have found when I enter a conversation seeking to know the other person more than being known by them, my chances of remembering their name increase significantly.
Even more, I have discovered that taking the time to truly know someone else is one of the quickest paths to being known by them.
Sheri says
I expected you to give a different answer actually (our brains are cluttered, something like that) but can understand what you are saying. My personal experience with this, I feel, is due to the distraction of things around me. If much of going in the room, it is hard for me to absorb that first bit of info. I do often repeat people’s names after they say them to help it stick, but at the end, if I realize I can’t remember – and I enjoyed speaking to them – I apologize and ask again. For me, it’s definitely not because I want them to know who I am lol
Susan Vogt says
Josh, you’ve described a classic conundrum that most of us merely humans experience, especially me. Your response addresses the root cause. Since I’ve also resolved too many times to remember a name – and then promptly forgotten it, I’ve started incorporating the following into my morning meditation.
After reminding myself that I am already loved (despite my faults) and therefore I don’t have to earn love, I repeat to myself, “It’s not about meI” and call to mind who I will probably see or talk with in the coming day. I picture myself silently honoring them. This helps, but I still forget. So I put a little sign on my front and back doors and my key chain that reads “HO” (Honor Others). This helps me remember as I leave home or the car, to honor and be present to the next person I will meet. It’s not perfect, but it’s helping.
Barbara says
Excellent advice! Thank you!
Heidi says
This may be a man/woman thing, but I am also terrible with names. At the moment I am sharing mine, I am focused on conveying niceness, openness and friendliness.
BUT… I will remember everything about that person’s life, if what they share is at all personal I will remember it.
Maybe that’s because women are supoossed to listen, and men are
suppossed to present themselves.
Interesting…
Karen says
I don’t think it’s a gender thing – my husband is awesome at remembering names, because e laces value on others….
Jody Vernay says
wow, very interesting! I find I often have difficulty remembering names if I “try too hard”… remembering people’s names has always been a priority to me. I ‘ve always felt it was important I did so the person will feel like I felt they were relevant to me. On the flip side, it doesn’t bother me at all if someone doesn’t remember my name. When I encounter someone I recognize, and they seem to be stumbling to remember my name, I just blurt it out… I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable. :)
June says
So convicting! I also have always struggled remembering the names of people I have just met – I usually forget about 10 seconds after they say it. I’m sure this article will stay with me for a long time (I’ll remember it with every introduction). Thanks for writing.
Marcelino Gauguin says
Thanks, this is good!
Yvonne Ang (singapore) says
Thank you Josh, for this post. It echos my own struggles, and resonates deeply for me. The post encourages me to be more intentional in my relationships, and to “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Thank you and keep writing. You are a blessing.
Peggy says
I do not care if they remember my name, but I do love to have conversation, and then forget names. Even when I make a point to remember with a trick, I forget.
laura ann says
Sometimes I forget names especially common names. Odd names are sometimes easier to remember for ex: Zack, Jason vs Jim, Bob or Mike or Tina, Louise vs Mary, Kathy or Marie. Last names harder to remember.
Sara Najara says
I truly enjoying reading the article. I too suffer from temporary memory loss. I will take your advise and be more “in” the moment and make sure that I get to know that person instead of them knowing me…:)