Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Sandy Kreps.
One of the biggest issues people face when deciding to simplify their lives is this: Can I simplify my lifestyle if my spouse or family doesn’t want to? How do I pursue a simpler life when my family won’t help?
I was very fortunate that my husband has been on board with simplifying since the first time I mentioned it (my kids are a different story). While the majority of the purging, organizing, and schedule maintenance falls to me, it is helpful knowing he supports my efforts. Not everyone is as lucky as I am.
I’ve talked to husbands who were adamant that their homes not change one iota, and I’ve talked to wives who refused to let go of anything. It can be a tough issue when you are the one who is overwhelmed and struggling to find a clearer path.
Here are some tips I have found helpful to deal with this disconnect between partners:
Find Common Ground. It is rare that a spouse or family member is completely inflexible about simplifying. Often times, it is the fear of what they might say that hinders progress. This is why an honest, open discussion about your household’s possessions, needs, schedule, and goals is so important. Focusing on what you as a couple or as a family want out of life can take the stress off of the decision to get rid of that old VCR or stack of unread books.
Focus on the Positives. List out the benefits of simplicity. Keep the list in a place that gets noticed. Focusing on the benefits will remind everyone of the positive changes you are seeking. Getting rid of a time commitment that’s not important to you can make room in the schedule for a regular date night or family time. Cleaning out the garage means you can park your car in there. Selling some dusty collectibles can bring in money to pay off debts.
Seek Input. Remember, people don’t like to feel like they are not being given a choice. If you want to get rid of something that’s a shared possession, such as a TV or a car, put it up for a vote and respect the decision that comes from it.
Start Small. But make sure you start. Simplifying is not a race, and the more you make it feel like one, the more stressed and combative your partner will be. Your home, your schedule, your life didn’t become cluttered overnight, so don’t try to declutter it in one frantic weekend. Take your time and be deliberate with your purging. Not only will you make more thoughtful decisions, your family will have time to get used to the changes little by little.
Start with Yourself. You can’t change anyone, only yourself. So focus on the stuff that is yours – your wardrobe, your desk, your schedule, your stuff. The best way to change the hearts of those around you is to lead by example – forcing the issue will not win you any allies. If it belongs to someone else in the house, keep your hands off.
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Sandy Kreps is a green living/simplicity writer and graphic designer.
Image: Tampa Band Photos
christina says
I realized I was actually helping my husband hold on to things by taking care of his stuff for him (cleaning, fixing, packing). Since I have stepped back, he is more interested in letting go.
I couldn’t agree more that it’s important not to push your spouse, but to lead by example.
David Cater says
I’ll add one more: “Be Patient” or “Just Wait”. The first time you bring up getting rid of a particular item (particularly something with some sentimental value), your partner may display a strong desire to keep it. But they may have a totally different reaction six months later after they’ve gotten used to the idea of not having it around, or simply start to realize that it’s not actually as important to them as they originally thought. I’ve gone through that process with my own items many times.
Brown Vagabonder says
I am extremely luck to have a partner that is totally in sync with my minimalist and travelling mode. I really have to say I’m luck in that, we are both interested in travel, in minimalism and in becoming location independent. Thank you for the post. Hopefully everyone can find someone they are truly aligned with in every manner possible. I wish the best of luck to everyone looking to convince their spouse to join the minimalist movement.
Anne Peterson says
Sandy,
Loved your post. It’s so important to get others on board to accomplish de-cluttering. And when there is resistance to move on to an area of none. Loved your book!
AlexM says
My husband was begging me to scale everything back. He finally convinced me. Now we live with very little distractions — no figurines on tables, a bare hardscaped patio in the yard, less gadgets and clothes. I do almost all of the shopping and housework and it has made my life so much easier — and even though it was his “idea” he thanks me every day for it.
Jonathan says
http://thesimplehedonist.blogspot.com/
Kate says
Thank you for this helpful post. I am also lucky that my husband and I generally have the same simple living philosophy, but minimalism means something different to each of us, and learning to respect and honor those differences is sometimes challenging. But, in the end we work things out.
Kate
Freedom | Rethinking the Dream says
I feel very lucky that my wife has been on board since day one. Even though she’s always been on board, she hasn’t always known how to approach downsizing. I helped her downsize her closet last week, and I found that doing the work myself (pulling things out of the closet) and letting her simply make a yes or no desicion (to keep or purge) made it go a lot easier. It helps to make things as easy as possibly on our spouses when it comes to stuff like this.
Patrick says
Good article, thank you. I have been trying to simplify and I don’t think I have the wife on board yet. I like the idea of keeping a list around. I could see how having the benefits of being more simple, or even a list of goals that simplicity can help you accomplish, as reminder would be a great benefit. Perhaps I will be giving that a shot.
Anastacia says
Great post, Sandy! I am still working on myself. I have plenty of bad habits I need to break before I worry about my husband’s or kids’. Thanks for the reminder!