“Envy is ever joined with the comparing of a man’s self; and where there is no comparison, no envy.” —Sir Francis Bacon
Most of us understand the foolishness of trying to compare ourselves to others. We would readily admit that no good ever comes from it.
Yet, whether we are comparing our home size, paycheck, physical features, or any number of measurable (and even unmeasurable) things, we do it all the time. But there are inherent problems:
1. We most often compare the wrong things. Because we can most easily compare the things that we can objectively measure, we live in a world that is great at measuring and comparing externals. Somewhere along the way, we decided that we could determine who is living a more valuable life by comparing clothes, cars, homes, paychecks, beauty, or Twitter followers. But externals are rarely a good measure. Net-worth has never been a good indicator of self-worth.
2. We always compare our worst with their best. Comparing your life with others is always a losing proposition because there will always be people who “appear” to be better off than you and seemingly live the perfect life. After all, we always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions that we make about others. Be advised, their life is never as perfect as your mind makes it out to be.
3. There is no end to the comparison game. There is an infinite number of categories upon which you can compare yourself… and an almost infinite number of people to compare yourself to. Once you start down that road, you will never, ever find an end.
4. Life isn’t graded on a curve. How you measure up against others holds absolutely no importance in your life anyway. It simply makes no difference. The goal of life is not to be better than 50% of the other people on the planet. The goal of life is to be the best you that you can possibly be.
5. Comparison puts your focus on the wrong person. You can control one life – yours. When we consistently compare ourselves to others, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our own.
6. Comparison robs you of joy. Comparing yourself to others will always cause you to regret what you aren’t, rather than allow you to enjoy life as who you are. It will always steal the joy and happiness that is within your reach… and place it just outside of your reach instead.
Many a contented life has been stolen by the unhealthy habit of comparing ourselves to others. Comparing ourselves to others will always rob us of gratitude, joy, and fulfillment.
But even more than than, it prevents us from fully living our lives. It calls us to envy someone else’s life and seek theirs rather than ours. It robs us of our most precious possession: life itself. And while the temptation to compare may never be completely eliminated, there are certainly some practical steps that we can take to move past it.
How can we stop comparing ourselves to others? Here are some helpful steps:
1. Recognize the inherent problems in comparing yourself to another. Take a good look at the list above. Why would we want any habit in our life that promotes feelings of inferiority? Or consistently promotes envy, competition, and strife with no end in sight? Sometimes, just a reminder of the foolishness contained in the habit is the most important step in overcoming it.
2. Celebrate who you are. There are many wonderful things about your life. You are an artist… or a businessman… or a mother… or a good listener… or a generous soul. You have much to celebrate and are entirely unique. Any comparison between you and another person is like comparing apples to oranges. They aren’t living your life, you are. Therefore, you should expect the results to be completely different.
3. Focus inward. Value generosity, humility, goodness, kindness, and love. Begin to focus on developing the inward qualities of a simplified life and the externals will lose their beauty. And the quicker we find beauty on the inside, the sooner we’ll stop comparing things on the outside (skin-deep beauty, paychecks, or power).
4. Realize life is not a competition. There may be times when competition is appropriate, but life is not one of them. We have all been thrown together at this exact moment on this exact planet. And the sooner we stop competing against others to “win,” the faster we can start working together to figure it out.
5. Remember that nobody is perfect. We live in a society that glamorizes perfection. Consider that magazine racks are full of models and celebrities with perfect faces telling one-sided stories of great triumph and fulfillment. One important step to avoiding the lure of comparison is to remember that one snapshot in time never tells the whole story. The story is never told of the hours in a make-up room or the photo editing technique to cover the blemishes. The story is rarely told of their insecurities or failures (except to mention how they overcame them). That story doesn’t sell nearly as many magazines. But the truth remains: there are no perfect people – including you and including me.
6. Live as intentional as possible. Too many people live their lives without intentionality or thought. They rarely find a quiet moment to sit in meditation or solitude and examine their life – who they are and who they are becoming. As a result, lives are lived as a reaction to the events around them. But when a life is lived intentionally and thoughtfully, the comparison game becomes less attractive.
As humans, it is in our nature to compare ourselves to others. But nothing good ever comes from it. So let’s stop comparing ourselves to others. We were not born to live their life. There is no sense wasting our life (or energy) being jealous of theirs. Instead, let’s start living our lives. Let’s determine today to be good at it. After all, we only get one shot.
For more advice, check out our helpful guide on how to stop comparing yourself to others and how to stop being jealous.
Dak says
Good philosophy, I agree that basing your self worth and choices based uoon comparison to others will set you up for disappointment and likewise limit your own potential.
Jo-Anne says
Wow…. This was exactly what I needed to hear. I wish everyone could think this normal. I compare myself to everyone around me, and hopefully after this, I will slowly but surely stop punishing myself.
Jessica Andrews says
Thanks so much, I was meditating on this and letting it stew, it inspired some writing for me, check out my blog if you’d like to read it. I don’t really blog, but I read your journaling post, and thought I would keep a blog for my thoughts…I think you will really like the poem I crafted on breathinthesimple.blogspot.com
Joshua Vegas says
Excellent article – and great reminders! Comparison truly is the thief of joy. It’s so important to live a life as unique as you are.
Jaime K says
I have been thinking that if I took all the time I spend worrying about what everyone else is doing, and how I measure up, and instead DID THE WORK I love and want to do *because* I love it… I’d get a lot more done, and be much more fulfilled. This post gave me goosebumps and resonated deeply. Thank you.
Trish bucknell says
Yes it all sounds good….but it’s not that simple. I’ve struggled with this all my life had years of counselling and I’m still comparing myself, and checking out what everyone else is doing, still have those feelings that my life is crap. I wish some one would go a little deeper into this issue. I think m life is crap, but people who see me think differently. I hav everything I want or need, I retired very early, I trAvel extensively around the world. So why do. Compare who knows… That’s the million dollar question…all I know is that I hate doing it….it definitely robs you of joy.
RR says
Sounds like you may not have been gifted the skill of gratitude from the professionals you have employed, Trish, which is unfortunate for you. In your travels, do you stick to the venues those who have your benefits do or have you strayed to those who do not have those benefits? I’m SURE you have worked very hard for what you have and that, in itself, is very meaningful and something you can take pride in. I wish you could as I think it’s a GREAT accomplishment you have managed. I suppose this, just like those who know you do, though :-) I believe if you feel the need to compare yourself with others and can’t get past that, maybe look below instead of above for awhile. I feel you may find focusing comparisons between yourself and those with less opportunity than you have will boost your spirit, enlighten you to the fact that your life isn’t crappy – you are a LIFE and not “crappy”! – and allow you to become grateful. Gratitude is joyful no matter how much or little one owns or does – EVERYTHING is good when coming from your heart! I wish you the best if you read this. I’m sure you are a fine person with a good life to live and share with others.
Surfzombo says
The grass may be greener on the other side, but I’m more than content to frolic in my dirt and gravel!!!
dawon fields says
I wish i was taught this along time ago
dawon fields says
I was never told alot of possitive things from siblings or friends from highschool or life
tracey greenwood says
thank you!!!!!
Serenity says
In Alcoholic Anonymous there is a saying, “Don’t compare yourself out.” Meaning, don’t compare yourself to others because it may drive you pick up a drink. You just explained why!
MaryB says
Comparing myself to others and getting angry during the morning commute are two bad habits I strive to break. Thank you for giving me some great tools to help with the first battle :o)
Jana says
Your “snapshot in time” point is excellent — and being in advertising and having used Photoshop, I know it’s dead-on! It also reminds me of one of my all-time favorite quotes: Feelings of failure are based on the assumption that now is the only time that counts.