“How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself.” ―Marcus Aurelius
An old proverb tells the story of a person who repeated a rumor about a neighbor. Soon, the whole community had heard the rumor. Later, the person who spread the gossip learned that the rumor was untrue. He was very sorry and went to an elder in the community who had a reputation for great wisdom to seek advice. The elder told him, “Go to your home and take a feather pillow outside. Rip it open and scatter the feathers, then return to me tomorrow.” The man did as the elder had instructed.
The following day, he visited the elder. The elder said, “Go collect the feathers you scattered yesterday and bring them back to me.” The man went home and searched for the feathers, but the wind had carried them all away. Returning to the elder, he admitted, “I could find none of the feathers I scattered yesterday.” “You see,” said the elder, “it‘s easy to scatter the feathers but impossible to get them back.” So it is with gossip; it doesn’t take much to spread hurtful words, but once you do, you can never completely undo the damage.
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Quickly defined, gossip is talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature. And there are far better things to talk about than the sensational, intimate details of another.
Gossip almost always complicates our lives rather than simplifies. Unfortunately, gossip feels good and the short-term rewards often distract us from the fact that we know better. It makes us feel better about ourselves to know something about someone else and share that with another. Other times, speaking about the personal faults of others makes it easier to overlook our own.
Even under the best of motives, gossip almost always does damage to the relationship that we can never completely undo. Consider some of these life-complicating dangers of gossip:
- Damaged Relationships. When we learn that a friend has passed on a rumor about us – true, but confidential information – it always does damage to the relationship. The same is true when you are the one passing on the gossip.
- Trust is destroyed. It is virtually impossible to restore complete trust in a person who has shared your secrets with another. And it is vey difficult to trust someone who has just shared with you someone else‘s secrets.
- Adds unnecessary complexity. If you’ve ever told a secret that you don’t want somebody else to pass along, you know exactly what unnecessary complexity is. Gossip adds the nagging worry that word will make it back to the person or spread beyond our control.
- Devalues the relationship in front of you. Intimate, personal details about a person who is not there always removes you from your present reality and transports you somewhere else. Not only does it distract you from the relational opportunity in front of you, it puts you squarely in the middle of a personal scenario where you do not belong.
One important ingredient to simplify our lives is to avoid gossip at all costs. If gossip is a source of complexity in your life, try giving one of these steps a shot:
1. Appreciate the difference between “helpful” and “gossip.”
There are times in life when it is genuinely helpful for you to know the personal background or personal details of a friend‘s life. But if someone begins sharing intimate details of another‘s life and you are in no position to help (or have no intention to help), it is not helpful speech. It is gossip. And will only lead to disaster.
2. Stop it before it starts.
If your conversation begins to turn toward gossip, take the high road and end it. A simple sentence that goes like this, “I‘m not sure I‘m in a good position to be having this conversation,” quickly shifts the focus to yourself while communicating your point to your partner.
3. Engage in meaningful conversations about the people around you.
There is a 100% chance that you have not fully explored the deepest places of the heart and life sitting right in front of you. Rather than engaging in conversation about someone else, choose to ask deeper questions about the hopes, dreams, and fears of the people who are present.
4. Avoid the two greatest causes of gossip: pride and self-exaltation.
Gossip makes us feel better about ourselves because we get to revel in the fact that other people have problems too. This is especially gratifying when their problems are seen as more severe than our own. It is selfish pride and a need for self-exaltation that results in that mindset.
5. Stay positive with your speech.
Use positive words as much as possible – even when talking about another. Speaking positively about a person who is not present rarely leads to gossip and almost always leads to a closer ally. This positive speech will also encourage the people around you to do the same.
6. Celebrity gossip is still gossip.
Remember, just because they appear on magazine covers does not make their personal secrets fair game as a conversation topic. Gossip can appear on the pages of a magazine just as easily as it can during a conversation in your living room.
Is it just me or does it seem that with all the things that we could choose to talk about on any given day… the intimate details of another person’s life should be lower on the list than it usually is?
Image: B.Riordan.
Tony Edwards | Better Focused says
Hi Joshua,
What an amazing post. I would add to your list that gossip is also just a waste of time. Where does it get us? It makes us feel good about ourselves for a short while because we are able to put someone else down lower than us. Instead, we should be trying to pull ourselves up higher. It’s easy to get sucked into gossip, so it is important to recognize when it’s happening and make it a point to stay away from it.
Thanks!
Tony
Meg says
Great Post! I think we are all guilty of this in one way or another and I think it’s very important for people to be aware that they are gossiping. I know I am guilty of it. I wish I could say I am not. A famous cartoon character once said… “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. ” Yoga has made me more aware of people around me and to respect their space and share my love. This is in their presence and also away. I am going to work harder on this. What’s the best way to not get caught up in the gossip wheel when you are having a conversation with someone? How do you keep yourself from weakening to that level?
Mike says
One of the best arguments against gossip that I’ve seen, Joshua. THANKS!
Steve M says
I love the story about (analogy with) the feather pillow – a great way of illustrating what happens not only with gossip but with our words and actions in general – the ripple effect. I’m much better these days and try to avoid gossiping – however I am human and do catch myself every now and then. This post and story are great reminders – gossip can, in certain circumstances, kill – I’d rather bee spreading ripples of happiness and joy.
Thanks Joshua
Steve
Leslie says
this is something that I’m currently working on. I grew up in a very gossipy family and didn’t really realize how MUCH we gossip and how damaging it is until this year. Apparrantly planning a wedding puts you in the middle of a LOT of family drama. I admit I participated in the gossip my entire life. It’s just what we did. I very recently decided that I had to stop gossip in all areas of my life. I told family members that I don’t want to hear about any family gossip or discuss any relationships that are not my own. So far they’ve all taken it very well and I’ve stuck to my guns. A few have tried to rope me in and I just stop them mid-sentence and say “actually, I’d rather you not share this with me. This is something I really don’t need to know.”
Learning to stop can be hard. I still find myself starting to speak about someone else and having to think, stop, and change the subject. But I am SO glad I am making this change! I’m hoping it will catch on in the rest of the family!
Living the Balanced Life says
When homeschooling our children, we came across a wonderful analogy to show them the damage of words and how you can’t take them back. Have them squeeze toothpaste out onto a plate. A lot of toothpaste. Explain how it is like your words you speak. Now tell them to get the toothpaste back into the tube. This shows them how difficult and near impossible it is, and to consider the toothpaste before speaking something about someone or to someone.
I love the feather analogy as well!
Bernice
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RadiomomRhetoric says
Gratitude for a beautiful reminder.
Wouldn’t we all be better off if we didn’t need to be reminded? If we just simply lived and let others live without our judgements and hurtful words? I once was guilty of engaging in gossip and in my ongoing journey to become more kind and aware of my effects, I gently asked a person to stop telling me others secrets. I was met with hostility. We can become who we associate with. It was a hard learned lesson that I am greatful for.
Melissa / Peace & Projects says
Talking about others can be so dangerous. Even when your motives are *mostly* pure, sometimes the words can come back to haunt you. The rule I try to follow is: Don’t say it if you couldn’t say to their face.
Thanks for the reminder to stay positive with my speech. Take care!
Melissa Gorzelanczyk
Nancy says
I love your rule. I am adopting this, too! Thanks – I never quite know how to avoid the gossip conversations. They make me very uncomfortable.
Joshua & Ryan | The Minimalists says
That’s a great parable at the beginning, one I’ve never heard, by the way.
I have, for years, subscribed to the idea of “there’s two ways to have the tallest building in the city.” You know that idea, right? You can either build the tallest building, or you can tear down everyone else’s buildings. I prefer the former to the latter; i.e., growth and creation over consumption and destruction.
Take care,
Joshua Millburn
Leisa Kugler says
i have never heard the “building” idea. I Love this, and I will never forget it, Thank you!
Margaret Mitchell says
I love the building example, it’s so true. It’s a shame lots of people prefer and get pleasure out of tearing down the others. Thanks for sharing.
David | Listen Feel Breathe says
Hi Joshua.
I am not a fan of gossip, as I know that it hurts. I have been on the receiving end of some before and although it didn’t “hurt” me, it did create a bad reputation that I was not aware of until later when someone made a passing comment. It is amazing how far the lies travelled.
That proverb you shared sums it up perfectly- everything we do has far reaching consequences, many of which we will never know.
David
Anagha Sreeram says
Exactly… Once in highschool…. people started spreading that I had a crush and then…it ended with all the students of seventh grade knew it and all the boys nagged me to tell the truth. Since that I’ve started telling everyone to stop gossiping. At one point they should understand how bad the victim is suffering.
Anagha
Carole Heath says
Hello David. Gossip especially the nasty type can be very hurtful when it does get spread around and people believe the lies they are fed. Some people get great delight out of gossiping and trying to find out about other people’s business. They need to get a live and mind their own business.