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“Envy is ignorance.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
Very few people would argue for the positive influence of jealousy & envy in our lives. In fact, most of us can quickly recognize the importance of learning how to stop being jealous. And we’re all aware of jealousy and envy’s effects:
- They foster discontent and distress.
- They bind our freedom.
- They lead to resentment and bitterness.
- They cause us to do things we wouldn’t normally do.
- They can spiral into depression.
And yet, the wasted emotions of envy and jealousy continue to be present in our lives. It is a constant battle that wars against our heart and soul. We experience envy over other peoples’ appearance, talents, relationships, and bank accounts. It offers no positive contribution to our lives. Yet, it remains.
It is time to break free. Certainly, each of us desire to live in freedom from jealousy and envy.
Here’s how to stop being jealous.
1. Shift your focus to the goodness in your life. One of the biggest reasons we envy the life of another is because we have begun to take our blessings for granted. Count them again. You are talented. You are gifted. You are cared for. You are unique. Your life is too valuable to be lived like everyone else. You have countless reasons to be grateful for the life you have been given. Remind yourself again.
2. Remind yourself that nobody has it all. Stop comparing your life with others. It is always a losing proposition. There will always appear to be people who have it better than you. But remember, we always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions we make about others. Be reminded, nobody has it all. Each person you meet experiences problems, trials, and weaknesses–just like you. This is what makes us human. Nobody is exempt. Nobody has it all. Nobody.
3. Avoid people who habitually value the wrong things. If you spend all your time with people who compare the latest fashions, you are going to start desiring the latest fashions. If you spend all your time with people who talk about their salaries, their new cars, or their extravagant vacations, you are going to naturally fall into the inevitable trap of comparing your possessions to theirs. But there are far more important things to pursue. Remove yourself from the conversation (and the relationship if necessary).
4. Spend time with grateful people. Gratitude is highly contagious–that is why I spend time reading Tammy Strobel. You can read gratitude in almost every word she writes. Find grateful people who experience contentment in their lives and spend quality time with them. You can find them online or you can find them in person. But the more you invest your time with them, the more their spirit will become yours… and soon, others will desire what you have.
5. Understand that marketers routinely fan the flame. One of the most effective tools for advertisers in our culture is to foster jealousy and envy among us. After all, if they can cause us to recklessly desire the possessions of another, they can drive us to great lengths to acquire it for ourselves. Be on guard against their tactics. Recognize them. Avoid them. And refuse to succumb to their deception.
6. Celebrate the success of others. Genuinely and practically, rejoice in the fortune of others. When somebody receives something that you desire, be happy for them. If you wanted it, they probably did too. Stop viewing life as a competition. Joy is not a finite resource. And the moment you learn to experience happiness in others’ joy is the day you take a huge step to overcoming envy once and for all.
7. Be generous. Even if you have to force yourself into it at first, make generosity an essential habit in your life. Give your time. Give your finances. Give your abilities, talents, and skills. Volunteer in your community. Support a cause that promotes social justice. And get your hands dirty. As you begin to spend more time and more energy with those who have less than you, the more you will find fulfillment and meaning. And when you do, the allure of another’s person life will quickly fade away.
Both jealousy and envy have held us hostage for far too long. It is time, once and for all, to break free from jealousy & envy and experience a more fulfilled life because of it.
Image: Yashna M
Barbara Tompkins says
To all who read this….You must have faith. There are greater forces at work than you can imagine. It will get better and each of your situations will improve whether it is what you intended to happen or not. I have my ex back this week and we ar
Mj says
I feel as though women are making unpleasant remarks about me so I feel horrible. They stare at me too. Why are they doing this?
It makes me feel that it’s due to my size. I am size 10.
Irdina Rozaini says
they are doing that because you are confident, beautiful, and happy babes!!
I am a size 10 so I know how you feel and the constant thought that people are looking and judging at you but my best advice- embrace yourself and you will always have your peace protected<3
Ron says
What about when someone is out to get vengeance on the person who was envious of him?
Ron says
How does one recover from an envy attack? I fell to someone’s envy attack and I find myself desiring vengeance. Give to this person what she gave me in a million fold
JJ says
I envy one of my friends, who seems to have it all..
while me, i am still strugling to survive mylife,, I often wish I had that path same with my previous friends, they got a good job, good relationship, they are enjoying their lives, which I cannot do..
I couldnt keep myself regretting the choices i made in the past that leads me to where I am now…
I really do not know, how far should I go until I feel that word contentment and happiness..
I labeled myself as nobody.. this is so sad
Karen Heumann says
Your sadness is valid because you are valuable. Your thoughts are meaningful because you have meaning. It cannot be one or the other. If your thoughts are true, that you are more than the words you have written. If your thoughts are not true, then you are not nobody.
Nara says
True that life is made up of our choices. But, you are not your friend(s). You would have gone through experiences different from theirs. Those experiences would have in turn had an effect on the choices you made. Learn from your past, see if you can apply those learnings to make choices that you feel will benefit you.
This sounds cliche, but be grateful for what you have; there are scores of people who yearn to be in your position. This process takes time, but will definitely lead you to be contented with yourself.
There are no positives to bashing oneself up for one’s past mistakes. Forgive yourself and move ahead.
Melissa says
Great advice thank you. Envy is derived from our root insecurities that likely have been around for a lifetime. Confident people who achieve success and have many friendships represent that which we failed to ‘tap into’ due to our insecurities. I’m a ‘normal’ person by any standards and am extremely polite to those I meet, yet arguably I would say that I don’t have any friends (acquaintances, yes). I moved into a lovely neighbourhood over 5 years ago and people who came at a similar time have created lifelong bonds with other people in the surrounding area. They visit one another, they support each other’s businesses and financial ventures, etc. Observing this compounds feelings I’ve struggled with my whole life. It’s as though my lack of acceptance with others is connected to my self worth, when really they don’t have any relationship whatsoever. A well known Buddhist Monk remarked that we should love our own company the most and enjoy solitude. I think if I can achieve that, I won’t care as much about other people’s social statuses.
So envy in my mind, vanishes, when we address our own deep insecurities about our self worth, importance and learn to love ourselves truly (avoiding the distractions in day to day life that prevent us from quietly spending time with ourselves). I don’t have time to do it but I imagine that meditation would resolve a lot of this as well.
sad says
It’s easy to follow these advises when life isn’t so bad but when your parent is killed and crime is never solved, husband over 25 years leaves for a girl your kids age and then you find out your kid has a devastating disease! How do you not look at friends that have health kids and not be envious. I can over come all but that last one is so hard to deal with and your friends with healthy kids don’t understand the devastation.
Hope says
@sad Hello, I just want to commend you for being open. What you described is indeed excruciating. It’s understandable to desire things to be different in these specific aspects of your situation. What do you think about allowing yourself to feel the pain and mourn without the added pressure and pain of envy? I’m learning that it’s one thing to desire and be sad over loss its another thing to compound it with envy and other negative feelings and thoughts. What are your thoughts and feelings about this perspective?
Peggy says
Yes I agree with you. And people don’t understand why I am envious of healthy kids.
Sandie says
I am sorry for your sadness and the burden of an unhealthy child. I had twins and lost one son. I just wanted to grieve losing Ryan but everyone keep telling me to happy I had a living son. Their uncomfortable feelings about lose was why they pushed me away. They may be uncomfortable and have guilt for having healthy children. Keep trying to find your voice and a sympathy ear.
Emma J says
I think it’s really hard to overcome these feelings, especially since they eat away at you for years. I can’t understand why or how, but there’s just one person in my life who seems perfect at everything, but the problem is, everyone else sees it too, yet they don’t feel envious about it. My take on it is that others don’t care enough about these perfect qualities to feel jealous about them.
At the end of the day, all I hope for is a normal relationship and it seems like a distant future right now.
For anyone else struggling too, I would say to them that if you’re jealous about a friend, TALK, resolve. In most cases, people are intelligent enough to be empathetic and help you through it too. If it’s not possible, then please stop the negative self-thoughts. They are essentially what got you here in the first place.
It’s draining. It sucks the life out of you. It sucks the esteem out of you. It sucks everything out of you. But try to remember your unique place in the world. Nobody can take that from you, or live it better than you. And use that empty feeling inside to soak yourself up with a brank new hobby or skill.
Thank you for this article.
Ron says
My case is quite different. Some one got envious of me and began to compete but I felt I was the one who wasn’t treating her well so I found myself often apologising for some things. The thing is that she took joy in me apologising and then the envy continued, so the competition. Even till now she is as envious as ever and I feel like I have fallen from the path of goodness, because I got angry one day and blurted out her envy at my success which I jealously guarded