“Where there is love there is life.” ― Mahatma Gandhi
People who choose minimalism as a lifestyle may face any number of doubters – these may be friends, colleagues, or parents. But what do you do when the biggest doubter of all is usually your biggest supporter? When the person you have chosen to live life with the closest, doesn’t see the benefits to your decision? When the person you love the most doesn’t support the new you? And the fact that you live together only complicates the issue… you share one space and so does your stuff.
When my wife and I decided to become a minimalist, we agreed together to pursue this new lifestyle. But, we’ve still had plenty of disagreements along the way about how much stuff to unload, how much stuff to keep, and how our purchasing habits would change. Our two most common areas of disagreement seem to revolve around clothing and children’s’ toys. Because we are not always on the same page, we have learned to compromise together.
But what should be done when your partner is on the complete opposite side of the spectrum – you are pursuing minimalism but your partner is a self-described hoarder or packrat. What steps can help these two lifestyles coexist?
1. Refuse to let stuff separate you. I have heard from a number of people who have taken steps to minimize their life, but in the process, they have become so frustrated with their partner that they have allowed strife and resentment to set in. Refuse to let that happen. Remember, you chose minimalism for a reason – most likely, you chose minimalism because you were frustrated with material things cluttering your life and preventing you from truly living it. You decided that you valued other things more than your possessions… like relationships with the people you love. If that is the case, it would be foolish to allow things (even if they are your partner’s) to again come between you and your most treasured relationship. Your loved ones are just too important. Realize that you can’t change someone else. Instead, rest patiently being assured that 50% minimalism is better than 0%.
2. Begin by purging your personal items. Resist the temptation to remove your partner’s belongings without permission. Start with your own stuff and minimize as much as you can without treading on shared territory. You may be surprised how much clutter you can remove from your home just by removing your own things.
3. Let your example speak for itself. Certainly, explain to your partner why you have chosen a minimalist lifestyle. But as much as you desire to debate and verbally convince your partner to choose it too, your actions will always speak louder than your words. Allow the benefits of your clutter-free life to do their own convincing. A clean, clutter-free side of your closet will always be far more convincing than a thorough explanation of the 80/20 principle. And a refreshingly stress-free desktop or nightstand will begin to look very attractive to your partner the first time they misplace something important.
4. Find common ground. Likely, there are some commonly used areas in your home that you can both agree need some uncluttering. Whether it be a junk drawer, a linen closet, the kitchen counters, or the garage, even the worst of hoarders can typically come to the rational conclusion that something can be better organized (no matter how small the area). Ask your partner about specific areas in your home that you would like to declutter. You just may be surprised how verbally supportive they can be when you get specific about what you would like to accomplish.
5. Be patient. Remember, one of the greatest markings of love is patience.
6. If the refusal to minimize their possessions is systemic of deeper issues, tread wisely. It is very possible that there may be some deep heart wounds that are causing your partner to be a hoarder. Your partner may be insecure and find their security in the things that they own. Your partner may have such a strong desire to impress others that they depend on their belongings for their purpose. Or their hoarding may be a symptom of OCD or another medical disorder. In any case, the correct step is to tread lightly and find your partner the support and help that they need.
Further Reading
Rob says
This post really hits home right now. Family with a 5 yr old child, 2 dogs, and a cat. And I think I am the only one embracing minimalism. I think it becomes an exercise in learning patience and acceptance for me. Thanks for this!
Juliet says
A non-minimalist cat then? Now this I’d like to see! :)
di says
As a minimalist, I found caring for my animals to be very costly and time-consuming. When my cats passed away, I never got another. I really enjoy the freedom.
Red says
That last tip is key. I had to realize after beginning my own journey that my then-boyfriend held on to things because he grew up in an impoverished home. He lived on food stamps and was never able to buy things or receive gifts. Now that he’s able to experience those things he missed as a child, he clings to them fiercly. It’s important to recognize when your partner is hoarding for psychological reasons.
di says
Me, too. My things help me to feel better.
Maria says
Same thing on my end. My wife comes from a whole family that lives in this mindset. I’ve never been one to hold on to a lot of things or place a lot of value on them, for reasons in addition to knowing that they are just things.
What I think I hate more the anything is not being able to have our friends over (and sometimes they wonder why) because the house is such a cluttered mess. : /
Laurie says
Great article for those of us just beginning this journey!
Laurie @ DomesticProductions15.com
Leo says
This may help some of you. Recently we bought new furniture. After researching online I found this site http://homereserve.com/ . All of the furniture has underseat storage. We’ve been removing “stuff” from the house but for those things we must keep, the storage in the seating is wonderful. I love the furniture we bought from that site. It’s stylish, very sturdy, and helpful.
di says
This idea can be utilized with most furniture. I hide containers beneath my bed, couch and chair.
I find vertical storage to be claustrophobic.
q says
lead by example is great advice in this area! i had been of the minimalist mindset for some time before i met my partner, and after three years together it’s finally sinking in and rubbing off on him. :)
di says
On a daily basis, I take good care of my things and pick up after myself.
For more than ten years, my partner has said that he wants to do the same, but never has.
I find this lack of ambition, effort and courtesy to be immature.
Carla says
I will never go the 100 Things route; however, I am in the process of culling out my stuff. I have not touched my husband’s things and I think (can’t remember for sure) if I’ve even asked if something of his can go. Well, that’s not true, I did ask about some books. He kept nearly all of them. At the moment there are two dressers in our bedroom. “Mine” is clear of clutter and readily dusted. “His” is currently somewhere between 8-10 inches high, piled with junk. This is in addition to two ever-growing floor piles. I flat don’t know what to do but I do know I cannot simply clear his things out. That is not fair to him or to who he is.
Sigh. All I can do is take care of myself. I can’t change another soul.
jDeppen says
Maybe you could tell him you want more of a neat and tidy bedroom and be clear that you’re not asking him to get rid of anything. That’s what happened with my wife and me.
(did I miss the point of this post? lol)
Nicola says
Start by not calling his stuff junk, its rude and sets you up to be combative
Jonathan Blundell says
Great post and pointers.
While my wife and I aren’t exactly on the same page when it comes to living simply — she definitely doesn’t complain when I get rid of my clutter.
Imagine if we took these pointers and put them to use in all our relationships — with the key being — lead by example and don’t try and force your ideals/beliefs on others.
Love wins!
di says
There are always plenty of examples, but instilling new habits is difficult to do.
David Engel says
Thank you for this very timely message. I’ve been trying to slowly reduce the clutter in my life, and I like the ideals of removing the non-essentials in my life, but my family and my wife continue to collect – and then pass along to me – things they consider valued because of some emotional connection I just don’t have. It’s not easy.
Yannis says
I know man, I’m the only minimalist in our home of 7 and it can be frustrating sometimes!
di says
Ask them not to pass on to you.
Karo says
Thanks for posting this. It’s very helpful.
After my boyfriend and I decided to move in together I started to get really anxious. He was envisioning a 2 bedroom apartment to hold all our stuff together, while I had begun to go minimalist and purge many of my belongings. It was increasingly difficult for me to understand his attachment to some objects, and he confessed he started to feel indirect pressure to get rid of his things.
While we’re looking for a place, we’re sharing one bedroom and a storage space that is filled with primarily his stuff. That in itself actually has had more of an impact on him than anything I could have said. He’s been watching my example and then looking at all the stuff he has amassed and will have to find a home for and has begun his own weeding out process.
I’m trying the 100 thing challenge, and while I don’t think he will ever go quite that minimal (he’s an avid collector), I can see that he is making an effort to meet me in the middle, and I always reassure him that anything he feels is truly important will always have a guaranteed place in our home.
di says
As a collector, I just keep my favorites.
Sam says
I’ve learned this the hard way (sort of) once (with a g/f, not wife). I’ve always led by example but for some reason when I got turned on to minimalism and personal development I seemed to drop that style of leading. I vowed to never let that happen again and am now very conscious of living the way I want to live and not worrying about anyone else.
ccl says
I am dealing with my husband who does not like to get rid of anything. I told him it isn’t that I necessarily want to get rid of everything but we don’t have room for it then the apartment looks messy and cluttered and it drives me nuts. But I think I will start going through my own stuff and try the lead by example. Even when re-arranging furniture I suggested getting rid of a couch that’s is old and ugly to make more room and oh no it’s like the end of the world to him. **sigh** I think part is psychological as he was like many kids growing up “without” and now he likes to get and keep everything. :(