Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Robin Shliakhau of Simplify and Pursue.
My journey into minimalism was initiated by my husband. His coming to America as an adult from eastern Europe was not without its challenges. If you’ve been to that part of the world you can appreciate a little bit of his backstory.
Growing up in the Former Soviet Union was not easy, he remembers waiting in queues in frigid temperatures for the most basic necessities. Fast forward twenty years and he finds himself in America—the land he had heard about his entire life. As with most things, it’s not completely as he expected. The ease and access of pretty much anything was alluring, but also deceiving.
Throughout our marriage, our different backgrounds have not always been easy. And one argument that came up repeatedly was about our stuff.
My husband would get fed up with the clutter, the piles of stuff, and the cleaning, which he was always helpful with. The amount of things we owned proved to be very overwhelming to him. Our conversations often included him getting frustrated and venting about the number of things we owned. I’d agree on the surface that we did have a lot of “junk” and that I wished things weren’t so time consuming, but little would actually change.
That was, until… the week before Christmas of 2012.
I remember the day well. The stress of the holiday season was resting squarely on both of our shoulders when Andrei and I had an argument for the millionth time about “stuff.” It always followed the same tune. Life and stuff would be hectic and cluttered and he would tolerate until he couldn’t anymore. He would explain how he doesn’t even know where most of it came from and wished our house would burn down and we could start over. Seriously. And then I would agree that it was out of hand. I completely understood his point of view (I did not agree about the house burning down). Intellectually I understood, I just didn’t know where or how to start.
But I knew, this time, something needed to change. The holiday season made the burden of excess even more apparent in our lives. Days later, with the conversation still fresh in my mind, a friend shared something on Facebook from Becoming Minimalist… the words I read that day sounded just like my husband. Shortly after, I read The Joy of Less by Francine Jay. She helped me wrap my head around how to begin and offered a detailed method for minimizing my possessions.
As I look back at my story, before minimalism, the holiday season had become something both my husband and I had begun to dread. If you dread the holidays, that’s when you most need to stop, become observant, and notice what is going on around you.
The words that should describe the holidays, such as peace, joy, family, and giving, often become replaced with stress, anxiety, debt, and “I want’s.” But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can still discover and experience our ideal holiday season.
Here are some thoughts on how we can aim for a more intentional holiday season:
1. Check to see where your heart is. Take a few moments before all the hoopla begins and ask yourself some hard questions: Is there greed in your heart? When our desires turn to greed or we seek to fill a real need with more stuff, it is important to step back and refocus. Are you worried about keeping up with expectations of families and friends? Many times the expectations that give us anxiety are self imposed. Is there pride lurking in how you go about the holidays? Along with the expectations we’re trying to meet, there may also be an unhealthy competition and pride in how we celebrate. If we’re all honest, we struggle with these in varying levels. Being aware of these gives us an opportunity to let them go.
2. Set an example to others. Have the hard conversations early in the season of letting extended family know that you are trying to get out of debt or are changing the way that you celebrate. There may be some pushback, but chances are your friends and family are struggling with the same feelings of semi-dread around the holidays. When we are bold, it gives others the courage to make similar decisions. We may inspire them to rethink the expectations they have also been struggling to meet.
3. Focus on the giving. Giving is the heart of the holiday season. Besides giving thoughtful gifts to family and friends, there are ways that you and your family can give to others. Many organizations have catalogs or campaigns for this time of year in which you can give those in impoverished areas some of the most basic of necessities. Also, look in your area for soup kitchens, shelters, or refugee centers to help those in your own city. You can also give time. Start by spending quality time together as family and then volunteer at one of your local organizations.
4. Dream of how you can do the holidays well. Rather than having unrealistic images of the holidays, take a few moments to think of what you’d like to do differently this year. Talk with your family about what they are most looking forward to this holiday season. Ask them who they would like to help during this season. I’m often pleasantly surprised of how aware my children are. Involve them in this process. Your idea of the holidays should reflect your values, beliefs, and passions.
5. Give yourself and others grace. By design, this is a season of expectation and waiting. Excitement builds with each day. Be sure to let yourself enjoy this season. If you find yourself stressed, take a breath and refocus. If others push their expectations on you or disregard your wishes, extend grace to them but remain committed to your vision for the holidays. The swim against the culture will not be easy, but it will be worth it.
Call it a hunch, but I think most of us yearn for a little less stress during the holiday season and more time to enjoy those closest to us. It was this time of year that caused me to finally put into practice the words of my husband.
Let’s fill the holidays with such good memories and new traditions that no one even gives a second thought to a smaller pile of gifts under the tree. Because this is not about giving less, it’s about adding depth and meaning to this special time of the year.
***
Robin Shliakhau blogs at Simplify and Pursue where she helps others simplify their life and home in order to pursue relationships, dreams, and goals. You can also find her on Facebook.
Point #2 really stood out to me as you stated, ” When we are bold, it gives others the courage to make similar decisions.” We would probably be quite surprised at the number of other family members and friends who would like to scale down but are afraid to take that first step. Someone has to– our first step could set a train reaction of simplified holiday expressions! Thank you for your post!
Great ideas. I like your take on giving. I’ve posted several posts about simplifying Christmas over at my blog, Hip Diggs. Thanks for the inspiring ideas.
Coming form Eastern Europe myself do agree that if you grow up having little then later in life too much clutter can be really overwhelming.
Best regards,
Daria
Here’s to a simpler Christmas – it makes the holidays much more jolly. :-) You make excellent suggesions here.
Hello Laura Beth,
Great article!
I’d like to add some suggestions with respect to more meaningful gift giving. Please see “Better Ways to Give This Holiday Season” at http://www.ahhthesimplelife.com/better-ways-give-holiday-season/
Wishing everyone many blessings,
Carol
I love this article, it’s exactly what I’ve been talking to my family about for a few months already! I’ve been trying to get them to agree to minimal gifts, but I’m getting pushback (the most from my husband, which surprises me because he is on board with decluttering!). Because we have two boys, he doesn’t want them to feel like they are getting nothing for Christmas, which they obviously won’t! But it is hard to find a balance where everyone is comfortable, especially when one person (me) could go with no gifts at all…
Here’s hoping that everyone can feel the warmth and love of their friends and families, make memories, and enjoy the holidays even if there are a few more gifts exchanged than what we are comfortable with.
Maybe it’s more of a process that will happen over a few christmases for some families, rather than an instant change!
Great article – one thing I hope you’ll consider covering in the time leading up to the gift-giving holidays is how to gracefully tell friends and family that you’re embracing minimalism and would rather not receive material gifts. That’s something I’m struggling with, not wanting to seem rude in rejecting gifts or insinuating that I’d prefer cash!
This post is very inspirational! Sometimes, people just need a gentle nudge to remember what the holiday season is really about.
girl C
http://www.fromgirlc.wordpress.com
I have been trying to get my family to move from a gift exchange to giving to others. My basic needs are met and I am trying to keep my home simple. I do have wants, but I recognize them as such. I also prefer to buy most things myself so I can be sure of what I am getting and that the money will be well spent. (I have donated too many impulse buys that were almost-but-not-quite-right in my lifetime!)
This year I told my husband that I wanted my gift this year to be a letter from Santa. We will go to our Post Office and choose a letter to Santa from a child who likely will not receive gifts this year. Even though I won’t be there to see their face in person, I will feel the warmth of love and joy in my heart, truly the best gift of all!
These are great tips. Sometimes the holidays are such a struggle and stressful. I want to enjoy them and with proper planning and cut backs I can do just that.
Robin- I particularly like your line “The swim against the culture will not be easy, but it will be worth it.” Our culture foists a lot of expectations upon us. I think we owe it to ourselves to take a deep breath and slow down. Rediscover the little things, like coffee and meaningful conversations. The rush and obligations of the season blur the joy. Thanks.
Really great article. Right on target. Thank you.
One of my favorites sayings is: It’s not about what’s under the tree…but about who’s around it :)
So perfectly expressed! We are struggling with communicating this plan to our family and friends (and sticking to it ourselves!) on our first year of living simply and more intentionally. As we are launching our blog this month, we hope to explore how the process goes for us this holiday season. Tip number 5 especially rings true, as pushback is difficult to process when you are so committed to this new way of living and viewing life (and see how wonderful it can be). Grace for others is essential, as the conversation is the important bit, not necessarily the conversion of others at first. Obviously at Christmas we want to celebrate family and friends, not push them away! All we can do is lead by example, strive for our ideals and goals, and allow others to see this and come to their own ah-ha! moment naturally. As the cliché goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink (but when it does drink, it will be all the more soothing for the soul, as the horse has seen clearly its own need and how best to obtain it).
I know I’m not alone, family get togethers stress me out. I have combined Thanksgiving and Christmas, and as long as I am one hosting, then this will be the new tradition of THANXMAS…so that eliminates one holiday. Also I now can do whatever meal I want, since I don’t have to do the traditional turkey. Making lasagna ahead of time.
I know I need to let GO of the comments other people make…I’m doing best I can and if others don’t care for it, they r more than welcome to host upcoming holidays.
Great article Robin. I can relate to your husband’s point of view about being overwhelmed with so much ‘stuff’. I was a Peace Corps Volunteer in Romania, and that was my introduction into simplifying my life. I have tried not to get sucked back into the Western mentality of consumersism and materialsim, but it is a struggle at times. I dread people buying me gifts when I know they are in debt, so I usually don’t participate in actual gift exchanges, but opt for virtual gifts instead. When I see something I know someone would like, I take a picture of it and email it to them. The thought is there, but the clutter isn’t! And I don’t have to go into debt, which is a bonus : )
OMGosh that is a great idea! Often that is what I appreciate the most is a well thought gift not the actual gift itself!
Melissa, how neat that you’ve lived there! With every trip over to visit family, I’m inspired by some of their practices at living more simply. I applaud you and your efforts to continue living simply. There is such a great community here on Becoming Minimalist another sites as well. It is countercultural but worth the effort and you’re not alone!
I appreciated this article very much. Thank you!
Christmas was my tipping point, too. I first discovered Simplify Your Life by Elaine St. James and started my path on lessening my footprint in the 1990’s. I was thrilled when she came out with ‘Simplify Your Christmas – 100 Ways to Reduce the Stress and Recapture the Joy of the Holidays’. My husband especially dislikes the pressure of the holiday, coming from a large family who seemed to ramp it up more each year. We no longer have a Christmas tree. We drive around our area and look at other people’s outdoor light displays. We go to low key holiday events that require no scheduled time. We do not do gifts. We try to spend the time together and put work on the back burner. It is advertising that has changed this holiday from something simple and meaningful. Commercialism has no control over me. I can make my holidays whatever I want them to be.
Great advice! I’m trying to let go of my stuff…thank you!
It is sad that The Holidays brings anxiety to so many. I work hard not to be one of them. You offer some great solutions to help avoid that.
I enjoyed your story very much Robin. It sounds like you’ve worked thru so many of the holiday issues we all face at one time or another. These tips are very helpful and will go a long way to help all of us celebrate Christmas more intentionally.
Thanks,
Laura Beth
Thank you Laura Beth! Yes, I am hoping to put many of these to practice again this holiday season!
Best,
Robin
First article I have read that actually makes sense and gives real-life advice. Thanks for writing.
Amen.
100% spot on!