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“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” – Barnett R. Brickner
Years ago, my family and I embraced a minimalist lifestyle. We decided that too much clutter had collected in our home and it was demanding too much of our money, energy, and precious time.
We embarked on a journey to sell, donate, recycle, or remove as many of the non-essentials possessions from our home as possible. It was one of the best decisions we ever made.
When we began removing the “stuff” from our life, we found a whole new world open up. We found that we had more time for the things that we valued most.
Now, as a result, we spend more time at the dinner table, we take longer walks as a family, and we have been able to save money for some worthwhile experiences—like a weekend at the beach, for example.
Removing the non-essentials has allowed us to focus more on the essentials. And we have discovered that true life is found there.
Often times, our marriages follow the same trajectory.
At first, when we have nothing but each other, we focus intently on the important building blocks of a healthy and successful marriage. But as our relationship continues forward, “stuff” begins to accumulate and begins to distract us from the very essentials of what makes a good marriage.
Suddenly, we worry more about the appraisal value of our home than the value of our relationship. We check the health of our retirement account far more often than the health of our marriage. Or we spend more time taking care of the car in the garage than the other person in our bed.
Things begin to accumulate in our homes and lives and soon demand our money, energy, and precious time. As a result, we have little left over for caring for the very elements of a happy marriage.
Wise couples realize that a nice home, car, or retirement account may appear nice to have, but they do not make a successful marriage. They understand that there are far more important principles at play.
They have learned to invest their money, energy, and time into the 8 essentials of a healthy marriage:
1. Love/Commitment.
At its core, love is a decision to be committed to another person. It is far more than a fleeting emotion as portrayed on television, the big screen, and romance novels. Feelings come and go, but a true decision to be committed lasts forever—and that is what defines healthy marriages.
Marriage is a decision to be committed through the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. When things are going well, commitment is easy. But true love is displayed by remaining committed even through the trials of life.
2. Sexual Faithfulness.
Sexual faithfulness in marriage includes more than just our bodies. It also includes our eyes, mind, heart, and soul. When we devote our minds to sexual fantasies about another person, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse. When we offer moments of emotional intimacies to another, we sacrifice sexual faithfulness to our spouse.
Guard your sexuality daily and devote it entirely to your spouse. Sexual faithfulness requires self-discipline and an awareness of the consequences. Refuse to put anything in front of your eyes, body, or heart that would compromise your faithfulness.
3. Humility.
We all have weaknesses and relationships always reveal these faults quicker than anything else on earth. An essential building block of a healthy marriage is the ability to admit that you are not perfect, that you will make mistakes, and that you will need forgiveness. Holding an attitude of superiority over your partner will bring about resentment and will prevent your relationship from moving forward.
If you struggle in this area, grab a pencil and quickly write down three things that your partner does better than you—that simple exercise should help you stay humble. Repeat as often as necessary.
4. Patience/Forgiveness.
Because no one is perfect (see #3), patience and forgiveness will always be required in a marriage relationship. Successful marriage partners learn to show unending patience and forgiveness to their partner. They humbly admit their own faults and do not expect perfection from their partner. They do not bring up past errors in an effort to hold their partner hostage.
And they do not seek to make amends or get revenge when mistakes occur. If you are holding onto a past hurt from your partner, forgive him or her. It will set your heart and relationship free.
5. Time.
Relationships don’t work without time investment. Never have, never will. Any successful relationship requires intentional, quality time together. And quality time rarely happens when quantity time is absent.
The relationship with your spouse should be the most intimate and deep relationship you have. Therefore, it is going to require more time than any other relationship. If possible, set aside time each day for your spouse. And a date-night once in a while wouldn’t hurt either.
6. Honesty and Trust.
Honesty and trust become the foundation for everything in a successful marriage. But unlike most of the other essentials on this list, trust takes time. You can become selfless, committed, or patient in a moment, but trust always takes time. Trust is only built after weeks, months, and years of being who you say you are and doing what you say you’ll do. It takes time, so start now—and if you need to rebuild trust in your relationship, you’ll need to work even harder.
7. Communication.
Healthy marriage partners communicate as much as possible. They certainly discuss kids’ schedules, grocery lists, and utility bills. But they don’t stop there. They also communicate hopes, dreams, fears, and anxieties. They don’t just discuss the changes that are taking place in the kid’s life, they also discuss the changes that are taking place in their own hearts and souls.
This essential key cannot be overlooked because honest, forthright communication becomes the foundation for so many other things on this list: commitment, patience, and trust—just to name a few.
8. Selflessness.
Although it will never show up on any survey, more marriages are broken up by selfishness than any other reason. Surveys blame it on finances, lack of commitment, infidelity, or incompatibility, but the root cause for most of these reasons is selfishness. A selfish person is committed only to himself or herself, shows little patience, and never learns how to be a successful spouse. Give your hopes, dreams, and life to your partner. And begin to live life together.
This is a simple call to value our marriages, treat them with great care, and invest in them daily.
Accomplishing the marriage advice listed above will always require nearly every bit of yourself—but it so worth it if you want to learn how to have a happy marriage.
A successful and healthy marriage is more valuable than most of the temporal things we chase after with our lives. And will always last longer.
stella says
My husband and I have been together for 8yrs and married for 5yrs. We experienced A midlife crises last year for a period of 6months. He was angry, depressed, he hated me, left home, told his family I had an affair, created his own stories and then tried hooking up with his ex girlfriend. Through all this I made sure to keep things amicable because we have children. I knew it was not ordinary by getting back to his EX, His family turn against me because of what he told them I wanted the marriage to work but everything seems to be impossible. I was really worried and needed help to save my marriage. I was searching for tips on how I can save my marriage from divorce. I came across a comment which says priest manuka help her out. I contacted him to save my home and restore peace back to my marriage through his email [lovesolutiontemple1@gmail. com] After 3days of manuka reunion spiritual prayers I swear with my life my mother in-law came to the house and ask me to forgive her and her Son for the pain they must have cost me. Today we are living in peace as one family. Once again thanks to priest manuka I really appreciate for what you has done.
Lethecia says
I’ve read your story and can relate. The manuka temple that you’ve referred to, did it cost you money? I’ve sent an email and they want to charge for prayer
Titi says
Did it work for you?
Sally love says
For what you have done. Notice pls why all the priest solutions fall on “my mother- in -law” Good I want you to take note ,what goes around comes around. One day you are also going to be come mother- in -law.
Yohannes Dale says
Such feelings should be discussed freely to save family prevent Devlin deep work!
Sharon says
How can you treat a situation where your spouse gives you the money for a house budget and use some for clothing without informing him/her and when he realizes he/she got mad at you. Need help.
Archana says
I wish to know who the counsellor is for the problems or comments we share?
Archana says
Thank u team for being devoted to counselling . God bless you always.
Byamukama Charles says
Hallelujah praise JESUS
Emmanuel Chukwudi says
This article was a blessing indeed… My wife and I are currently going through some challenges…I need your prayers
Johndale says
You, you pray first !!!!!
Rob says
Why do what everyone else does, just look down any street everyone is doing the same thing. I think I it’s the easy way out and it clearly does not work over 50% of the time. Life is a great adventure and having said this go and have a adventure. When I look at the way most people live it’s dull and Unfulfilled. You get to do this but one time and you have so little of it. Sharing with someone else is still a good idea, but people change in different ways. Just because you have the kit does not mean you have to use it.
Mariah teresa chinwendu says
This article is beautiful.
Thing’s I’m so scared of commitments and don’t know what to do to help myself.
Tania says
It’s important to spend some time with yourself and a journal in a quiet space and start writing the root causes of your feelings.
Fear of something is generally a result of pain.
Pain is what we tend to avoid be that physical or emotional.
Commitment = Risk
The risk factor tells us we can’t control the outcome.
We can only control ourselves to a degree and make a commitment to ourselves to be good partners and to choose wisely.
What do you want in a relationship? What do you need?
What have you seen on the relationships of others that you desire.
What have you seen that you don’t want?
Generally broken relationships cause broken families, sexual brokenness, broken hearts and the list goes on.
Healthy relationships are not free of all the above problems, they just have the commitment to make it work and to look at the self.
The self can be scary. It can tend to be all about the ‘Me’ and the selflessness of long term commitment pulls in the ‘Other’.
This takes some digging.
It takes ripping out the old stuff that doesn’t belong.
It takes planting new seeds of healthy thoughts and ideas.
And it takes wise choices.
Open communication.
And yet some heated debate.
I wish you lots of love that is steadfast, strong, vulnerable, deep and doesn’t break down easily.
Warmest
Tania
Kennedy Angira Wauga says
Chinedu i can help you in figuring out on how to tackle the issue of commitment.
Chinyere says
For the past six years now in marriage I have been have issues upon issues bin my marriage
Magbagbeola Micheal says
Thanks so much, very useful
Kathryn says
What a great summary of what is most needed in marriages! Thank you for sharing and it was very insightful!
Hamida Mannan says
Each and every word is worth its weight in gold.