I care less about money than I ever have before. But accolades get me every time.
Last spring was one of the most successful seasons of my life—at least in worldly terms. I released a book, Clutterfree with Kids, that spent two weeks as the #1 Parenting book in America. On the exact same day, our Facebook page passed 100,000 fans (now at almost 250,000). And, with over 1 million visitors each month, Becoming Minimalist was reaching more and more people with the life-giving benefits of owning less.
I felt like I was on top of the world. It was an amazing season. And I enjoyed it for almost an entire two weeks.
You see, later that spring, during an evening session of answering email at my dining room table, I began to notice some interesting chatter on social media. A friend of mine had been featured on a popular news website. Immediately, it seemed, everybody was talking about her, heaping praise on her accomplishment.
I should have been happy for her. But I wasn’t. Instead, I was jealous. I wanted that level of exposure.
And in a heartbeat, everything changed.
Later that same week, I noticed another author’s Facebook page was growing faster than mine. And then a different blogger’s post was going viral. To make it worse, my book was no longer on top of any bestsellers list. In fact, there were several parenting books selling better than mine. I began to regret that I didn’t title my book, The 5 Love Languages to Expect When You’re Expecting.
Rather than celebrating one of the greatest seasons of my life, I had become petty and envious of the people around me. And this was not just a superficial jealousy that fades in the morning—this was a jealousy deeply rooted in my heart that I could not shake no matter what I tried.
My work and accomplishments immediately seemed less impressive.
A short while later I was listening to Anne Lamott speak at a conference in San Diego. She was speaking about writing, but she was also speaking about life (as she so brilliantly does).
During one of her answers, she made an important observation. She said, “If you are hoping to find your self-worth and fulfillment in other peoples’ opinion of your writing, you will never find it.”
Her statement caught my attention immediately. I thought back over the last several weeks and suddenly realized that is exactly what I had done. I had based my self-worth and happiness on the number of accolades I received from others. And as they began to turn elsewhere, so did my opinion of the life I was trying to live.
Finding our self-worth in the approval and accolades from others is always a foolish pursuit.
It negatively impacts the decisions we make and the life we choose to live. But they never fully satisfy our hearts or our souls. Even those who have reached the pinnacle of fame and prestige in our society long for more. As Eric Hoffer once wrote, “You can never get enough of what you don’t need to make you happy.”
The life you live is the life you live regardless if anybody notices or not. (tweet that)
Our goal is not to secure accolades. They are empty and fleeting. Our goal is to live the one life we’ve been given to its greatest potential—whether anybody praises you for it or not.
Debbie says
I have always had a high need for recognition and the resulting jealousy when I see others get recognized. I realized a few years back that because I didn’t love myself, I needed constant reassurance to know that I was enough. Self-love and acceptance is a muscle that needs to execised or it atrophies. I can tell when I’m slipping back into comparison living when I cannot celebrate the success of my peers and friends.
Grateful granny says
As my late mother used to say, “God notices”. Do we need any more affirmation than that?
Katie O'Brien says
Your transparency is admirable!! Looking up to you and your success it’s quite inspiring to see even the best fall into the comparison trap some days. Thank you for shining your light and sharing your truth!!
Becky says
Thank you for this message! This is an area I have recognized I need to work on and it is hard!
jill britz says
Thanks for being honest. You never seem like someone who struggles with comparison, so I appreciate your being authentic. It gives me courage that one of the big dogs feels like I do sometimes.
Education Papers says
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MariiMar says
simple and to the soul :) so true !
Ali Davies says
I think this is why it is so important to create our own definition of success based on our values and what is most important to us and focus on that, not how we compare to others. As you rightly point out, the latter can be very destructive.
Shannon says
Love this post!! Thank you for this. It can be very easy to lose sight of what truly matters on a soulful level, especially living in society and with modern day social media. This is a wonderful lesson/reminder of what truly matters.
Lars Bergman says
Thank you, that post was for me right now! :)
I started blogging six years ago, with energy and inspiration. It all went well – until the accolades began to penetrate my defense. When someone commented on one of my blog posts: “This was the most beautiful text I have read on the Internet for a long, long time!” then I started feeling a pressure to deliver every time, and the joy soon disappeared. Some time later the blog was virtually dead.
Now I am just about to start all over, with a fresh load of inspiration. I have got myself a domain, and I have prepared a design on WordPress. But this time I am NOT connecting to any top lists, and I am NOT posting a LIKE-button. This time I intend to just do my thing, mention it to a handful of friends on Facebook, and then DODGE whenever I hear the accolades come roaring in… :)