Recently, I was with a friend who was complaining to me she couldn’t afford to replace her cell phone. We were in her newly purchased Toyota Highlander at the time.
On a separate occasion, an acquaintance of mine was lamenting that he didn’t know where he was going to find the money to buy new soccer cleats for his son this summer. We were enjoying dinner at a nice restaurant.
Similarly, another friend recently told me he was unable to financially donate to The Hope Effect when I asked. He assured me he wanted to help and really wished he could. But they had just put a pool in the backyard and were using every spare dime to pay it off.
Still again, I sat chatting with a friend complaining of the overtime hours he had been putting in at work. They are trying to finally get out from under debt they have been carrying for years. Meanwhile, his Facebook feed brags of the season tickets he had just purchased for his favorite Major League Baseball team.
Each time, I bit my tongue. I wanted to share what was on my mind. But I didn’t.
I was probably wrong in my decision not to speak up. I should have been bold and courageous and stated exactly what I was thinking. “Life is too short to not be honest with people,” somebody once told me. But I didn’t. I chose instead to keep my thoughts to myself.
Maybe I’ll say it here—that one thing about money I always want to say but never do.
I won’t write it here because I think any of those people are reading, but because I know others are. And many of us need to be reminded of this important reality:
You would have more money for the things you want if you stopped foolishly wasting it on other things.
In each case above, the person wanted money, but had already spent it elsewhere. My friend could afford to replace her cell phone if she hadn’t purchased such an expensive car. My other friend could have made significant inroads on their family debt if they hadn’t bought season tickets for the summer. And most of us would have more room for generosity and supporting causes we believe in if consumerism wasn’t so prevalent in us.
When we haphazardly spend money on foolish things, we have less remaining for more important pursuits. (tweet that)
This principle also extends beyond purchasing power.
Through a number of odd circumstances, I happened to spend some significant time talking with the friend of a friend recently. The topic of conversation was stress and anxiety. More specifically, the topic was her anxiety which she attributed to their financial circumstances: a burdensome mortgage, a monthly car payment, and not enough financial margin to feel comfortable.
The reason for the stress and anxiety, seemed to me, was not about the unacquisition of sufficient funds. The reason for the stress and the anxiety was the foolish places where their money was going—too big a house, too fancy a car, and too many unintentional purchases in the past.
They had sacrificed peace and calm for square footage and expensive wheels.
With so many circumstances of life outside our control, doesn’t it make sense we’d work hard to control the ones we can? This reality is especially true when it comes to our financial resources.
Our financial situations certainly vary from person to person. And I fully understand that some people struggle financially because of no fault of their own. But I believe the principle stated above extends to a higher percentage of us than you might think.
The greatest mistake we can make is the assumption that our financial lives are entirely outside of our control. They are not. We decide every day where our money is going to be spent.
Intentionally choosing to spend money on the things we truly want is not always easy. It requires a clear designation of the financial reality we wish was true (our desires) and a clear understanding of the reason it is not (our foolish spending habits).
Depending on your financial goals, the application may look something like this:
- I want to get out of debt, I will spend less on eating out.
- I want more money for travel, I must spend less on my housing.
- I want more financial peace, I need to remove my monthly car payment.
- I want more margin for generosity, I must spend less on fashion or furniture or technology.
- I want more ___________ so I need to buy less ______________.
What causes us to lose sight of this simple truth? I’m not sure. But none of us are immune from it. Which is probably one of the reasons it is so difficult to articulate when we see it playing out in another person’s life.
Jill says
Great post, Josh. Thank you.. yet again!
I came to this way of thinking later in life (after 50), and am still a work in progress. After about 3 years of very frugal living, I have no debt except mortgage and car payment, which is amazing for me and I am ok with – for the immediate future. I am in the process of building some savings, starting to give to organizations that matter to me, and learning how to buy items with thought and intentionality…. is that a word!?!?
My crusade is to teach my children to not make the same mistakes that their father and I made in regard to finances. I know my daughter (who is 25) completely gets it. My son is a work in progress. I think he wants to live without debt, but is struggling with the ‘I want it now’ mentality; I believe he will get there.
If I could leave my children any legacy, it would be the freedom of living a life without financial pressure because of their intentional choices and wisdom about what is important.
Cheryl says
What a great article! I too have kept silent while listening to the laments of others. Thank you for being a bold and brave truth teller!
AGS says
I’d love a follow up post on whether you now are honest with people in conversations, and how that goes. I work with a lot of people who “struggle” to pay for childcare, but buy a fancy coffee with pastry every morning, lunch each afternoon, and have a leased vehicle. I never really know what to say. Sometimes, if the timing seems right, I’ll say something like “my husband and I have really simplified in reduced what we buy in a lot of places, and it’s given us a lot of breathing room”, and if there’s interest I’ll share more. But money, like parenting, can be such a touchy subject.
joshua becker says
I think your response is great and is usually the exact phrasing that I use. Unless I am uniquely invited to speak into their financial lives, I almost always go with the personal story/example angle as well.
Catherine says
I love this post about money and choices! My daughter and I just spent two hours in the lovely public pool down the road. We had a great morning and then came home for a sandwich lunch. My brother-in-law and his family live in a massive house in the countryside with their own pool. It’s lovely but it takes a lot of looking after (the pool, and the house) and it took a lot of working to pay for it. Plus, you don’t get to make friends with other people from the community when it’s your own pool!
Saudia says
I would just say- perhaps those were their choices. They chose a season of baseball vs an expensive family vacation because they really love baseball. Perhaps he really didn’t want to donate to your charity.
These are things I’ve done.
I think your point is- decisions can be made. Just be careful to not judge others decisions based on your values.
Jill says
Good point! In the middle of paying down my credit cards, I spent money on a concert, seeing a band that I have wanted to see for years. It may have looked to outsiders that I was sidetracked from my goal, but the fact is that money was spent very intentionally (and isn’t that the point). I enjoyed every minute of that night, and it makes me smile every time I think of it!
Ginny says
I appreciate your saying this. Calling others’ choices foolish seems very judgmental to me.
joshua becker says
Thanks for the comment Saudia. I’ve got no problem if my friend wanted to own an expensive car more than a new phone. I also have no problem if my friend wanted a pool more than donating to charity. My thoughts were based on their actual words—that they desired something different.
Sarah says
I agree with this completely. The tone of this one struck an off chord with me – very judgmental. Sometimes people just “vent” to their friends – sounds like that’s what many of these situations could have been. I think if the author had done what he said, and had a conversation with them about it, it’s a possibility they would have explained further that they in fact DID know the consequences of their actions and acted intentionally and rationally. They’re not really given a chance to defend their casual choice of words here.
Dominic Jermano says
My theory of Money is to stop spending it on yourself, and use it to spend on someone else. Likewise someone will spend it for you. This way no one can call you greedy and self serving, and everyone will benefit. If the Government used taxes to pay for everyone’s home, wouldn’t it be better than using it on bombs, and killing people. Wouldn’t it assure the Banks would never collapse again?
Romelle Berry says
Great article! My husband passed away 5 years ago. We were a two paycheck family. I was scared and worried that I would not be able to live on just my salary but here it is, 5 years later, not only an I surviving, I’m thriving. I still live in the home that I love, I travel and enjoy spending time with family and friends. Life experiences are more important to me than things. My new mindset on living frugally, and really thinking about everything I purchase has been such a life changing experience for me. I only wish I had started this years ago!
Becky Livingston says
Yes, I think the death of someone so close will do that – make us reevaluate what’s REALLY important in life. It’s people, and experiences NOT things.
Fiona Bennett says
What causes us to lose site of this simple truth? Everything you have taught me to notice since I started reading your blog a few years ago Joshua:
This consumerist society,
comparison, unrealistic expectations, chasing a false manufactured idea or image of ‘happiness’ etc …
Sad
Thank you for always putting words to my thoughts.
joshua becker says
Thank you for the encouraging words. I appreciate them very much.
Priscilla says
WELL SAID! Joshua, I’m so glad you said the thing about money you “always want to say but never do.” I truly wish someone had told me years ago. Perhaps a young person is reading your post today and will take to heart its wisdom.
Sandra says
Words you needed to say and so many of us needed to hear.
Karen says
Yes! So true!