Note: This is a guest post by Joshua Fields Millburn of The Minimalists.
My friend Derek wanted to be a good minimalist. So after his son, Sammy, was born, he refused to buy toys for the boy, assuming he would be just as happy playing with the rocks and sticks strewn throughout their backyard.
A few years later, however, my friend started questioning his own minimalism when he saw his son erupt with joy each time he played with his friend’s toys. Sammy smiled while he constructed deformed dinosaurs with multicolored LEGO bricks. He laughed as two Ninja Turtles performed backflips and ate plastic pizza slices. And he literally jumped with joy the first time he slammed a NERF ball into its door-frame hoop.
Derek realized he had been denying Sammy in the name of minimalism—dampening his boy’s playtime with his own preference for simple living. So he did what many loving fathers might do: he logged onto Craigslist and found a big box of used toys.
When Sammy opened the box, his facial features expanded with delight. He extracted his new toys one at a time—a Walkie Talkie, an Etch A Sketch, a miniature Wright Flyer model airplane—welcoming each with gratitude.
Yet at the sight of Sammy’s glee, Derek was overtaken not by triumph, but by the consumerist mindset: If one box made him this happy, then ten boxes will surely make him ten times happier.
As Derek returned to Craigslist, an insight from his past interrupted his next transaction: This was exactly how I behaved before becoming a minimalist. Instead of enjoying the things in front of me—instead of being satisfied with my treasure—I always searched for more.
He looked over at his son and noticed that Sammy was fully present, free from the yearning that is chaperoned by consumerism. The shopper’s delirium that had always removed Derek from the joy of the moment was absent from the boy. Sammy was simply happy with the toys that were in front of him.
It occurred to Derek that the new toys didn’t make his son happy—they intensified the joy that had been there, in his heart, all along. The toys acted as an amplifier of joy, not the source of it.
Derek looked back at his computer and had an aha moment: Ten times the toys didn’t equate to ten times the joy. In fact, more toys might distort Sammy’s innate happiness because, much like a stereo amplifier, every sound turns into noise when the volume is cranked all the way up.
In economics, this overamplification is known as the law of diminishing marginal utility, which states that an item’s total utility increases more slowly as consumption increases, until, eventually, a point is reached at which consumption yields negative utility.
Accordingly, zero toys was a type of deprivation. That’s why the first box generated considerable utility. And yet a warehouse worth of toys would be another kind of deprivation—an overabundance that would strip away the peacefulness of playing in the present.
Instead of making another purchase, Derek shut his laptop and admired his son’s exuberance. Depriving Sammy was not a minimalist move; it was a legalist edict that had accidentally silenced his joy. But when Derek let go of his stringent regulations, the suppressor was removed and joyfulness echoed throughout their home.
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Joshua Fields Millburn is a New York Times–bestselling author, Emmy-nominated Netflix filmmaker, podcaster, and the founder of the simple-living collective The Minimalists.
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For me I always think if you melted down the average kids toys it would just be amount of useless oil produced plastic that when it’s destroyed will produce oil produced fumes. It’s nothing it has no intrinsic value. I wish we could go back to a time when people bought from the local toy shop and many of the toys were made from wood and were designed to make children think: construct, solve, disassemble and reassemble, what about a drawing pad and pens. Encouraging them to look at things not just draw face but building and nature.
I just find plastic toys grim. The price is hiked high. The advertising is awful.
I recently gave up my TV and honestly the house is changed. The minute it came off the wall I felt calm the room felt calm and I no longer feel compelled to sit in the evening and do nothing. I don’t have children so I know my comments must seem very naive, but I was a child once and I remember that would much rather have interaction and conversation that was fun or interesting with my parents than be sat in a corner, ruining my eyesight with technology.
There’s also the nurture of children in today’s modern age. The great philosopher Bertrand Russell said that children should experience boredom, because if we constantly accommodate children and give them what they want in terms of new toys that are seen to the child to disposable every time a new toy comes in, that makes for a child who doesn’t find interesting and inventive solutions to relieve the boredom. Such a child grows will find it harder in adult hood to understand that the world is not a place where things just happen and solutions are handed to them.
There are no perfect parents on the planet…we learn as we go. Nice to see the dad was so involved with his son and learned that minimalism isn’t doing without all things… it’s simply limiting things to a few items one can manage and treasure. Way to go dad!
I noticed the absence of ads on this post! I wondered if the ads were gone from the rest of the website, but no, just this post from Joshua Fields Milburn. I chuckled a bit, thinking this must be on purpose, because of The Minimalist slogan on their podcast: “because advertisements s……!”
For the record, I understand and support the reason for the ads on this website. Just thought it was fun that JFM’s post doesn’t have them. :)
They are slowly being removed from Becoming Minimalist post-by-post and will be gone entirely by the end of March.
My family lives off of ad revenue indirectly from my husband’s job in digital advertising (in a very giant, empty house – we are in the process of changing this – because we don’t own or want to own nearly enough to fill it. In fact, the building currently owns us, we’ve realized).
While I admire your move away from ads, I also believe they can add real value to help people find products they need (like healthy cleaning products, reusable food storage, clean skin and hair care)….as well as supporting businesses that are doing good for people and the planet that otherwise might not be found.
So I say, keep using your platform intentionally, but don’t throw out the ones that add value – it’s another way to use your voice to help people and generate revenue (give some profits to Hope?) and influence others to be minimal but not devoid of ads. After all, maybe all you need is less.
My daughter was given her first Barbie doll at age 2.5. By her fifth birthday she had a quite a huge mound of Barbies and Barbie paraphernalia on her bedroom floor. I’ll never forget her wailing, “Mommy I HATE BARBIE!” That was the end of enjoyment that peaked way to soon.
Such an illuminating perspective and explanation of the dynamics at each end of the consumer spectrum, plus the reminder to appreciate the present moment. Thank you!
I hope that this story has been made up and is not an actual report pertaining to the wilful neglect of a child.
Would it really take years for someone to realise that he was depriving his son of stimulation and comfort? A soft toy, a ride on toy, books galore! These are essentials along with a loving adult to read to him very regularly, preferably, everyday.
Many children of the world grow up without having purchased toys and turn out fine. I would hardly call it Willful neglect! The Dad is (unfortunately) a part of a culture imbued with consumerism , so we have to be aware of that when raising children. The child played with others who had toys ( probably purchased new) and wanted to be part of his culture. So the dad Did buy him Some toys, but was wise enough to see that more and more do not make anyone happier.
And no, purchased toys are Not essential to happiness and not buying toys does not require that you do not read to your children! What a bizarre point of view
The dad is either made up (I mean, The Minimalists are hacks) or a status-seeking self-centered tryhard. Not letting a child having toys is not for the child, it’s for the parent.
Wonderful article. I myself experienced this same thing after purchasing one or two orchids. I lived them and took care of them. Then family and friends started gifting me orchids for every occasion until I had 14 of them. At that point joy disappeared and caring for the orchids became another chore to add to my already long list. I currently have no orchids and have never been more joyful. I still garden and have a couple of indoor houseplants to care for. I have found true joy living by the “less is more “ theory.
Reminds me of the hot wheels story. In essence the child was given some hot wheels cars, then more and more. The child finally said- “ENOUGH!” He couldn’t love anymore.