This is a guest post from Krista O’Reilly-Davi-Digui of A Life in Progress.
We have two lives: the one we learn with and the life we live after that. —Bernard Malamud
My 40’s have undoubtedly been the hardest and best years of my life so far. I have grieved, walked through pain, moved kids to college, learned to rest. I’ve learned to love myself in earnest and show up through fear, I’ve healed and done hard things, put down deeper roots.
It has been a season of learning to let go of what no longer serves.
While I am a slow and simple advocate, it is neither the pursuit of simplicity nor absence of stuff alone that determines my happiness. My happiness is rooted instead in a sense of freedom, of living on purpose, and in inner calm.
Happiness grows its tenacious roots inside of me.
I Joyfully Decluttered These 5 Things to Boost Happiness
1. Needing you to like me
Care about what others think and you will always be their prisoner. —Lao Tzu
One of the greatest obstacles to my freedom—and happiness—is caring much what others think of me. I stopped saying yes out of obligation, trying to be a good girl or please others at the expense of my mental health or family. I packed up my efforts at trying to keep up perfectly and made more space to laugh, create, and simply breathe.
I appreciate the wise advice of Brené Brown who suggests we take a 1 x 1 inch square of paper and make a list of people whose opinions matter to us—those people who love and accept us with all our quirks and imperfections. “If you need more paper, you need to edit,” she encourages. Interestingly, I don’t need you to like me as much now because I’ve decided to like myself.
The more I have come to like and appreciate myself—to see my strengths and weaknesses with neither shame nor ego, my happiness grows. As I offer myself more compassion and learn to move through perfectionism, fear, and comparison, I am also more able to pour out compassion for others and show up with courage to serve.
2. Needing to know all the answers
Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers. —Rainer Maria Rilke
One of the bulkiest pieces of baggage I’ve decluttered was my desperate need to have health and faith, parenting and marriage, all figured out with a surefire 7-step program, no questions or fears remaining. I wanted certainty and rules and a perfect framework to guide me—instead I lived dripping with anger and anxiety.
To boost happiness, I needed to make space for the questions. I have learned through challenging circumstances to loosen my grip and make space for more mystery and possibility. To trust that I can do hard things and no matter what, I will be OK.
Releasing an imaginary construct of how life “should be” allows me to step out onto the small bit of light ahead of me. I show up curious now—one step and then another—and experience far greater joy on this messy journey. I don’t need to control my world or have all the answers to feel safe. I can just show up messy, imperfect, and real.
3. Living stuck in fear
In the depths of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer. —Albert Camus
Sometimes it is in the smelly and litter-strewn trenches that we learn we have what it takes. We are far stronger and more resilient than we ever understood before. I haven’t exactly figured out how to declutter fear but I’ve broken the tight grip it had on me. I show up every day afraid but I also show up happy and filled with gratitude.
Fear itself is a human emotion, there is no shame in it. But I always get to choose my response. I can show up through fear to help build a world I want to live in. I can get honest with myself above all about who I am and what I want or need and love the world and my family to the best of my ability.
Burying many family members to cancer leaves its scars and as I approach the age at which my mom died I find myself counting down the years. The truth is none of us knows the number of days we get so I make a decision each morning that this simple day is my favorite.
4. Letting outward circumstances dictate my joy
The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven. —John Milton
Much of happiness is a choice and the result of not putting our hope in transient things. A deliberate decision to scan for beauty, live with gratitude, and intentionally choose our response.
Without a doubt one of the most impactful ways I boosted happiness in my 40’s was by remembering that I am the boss of my thoughts. I kicked out the old negative stories and unhelpful imagining. I no longer believe every story that my brain spins for me and I’ve learned that no other human or circumstance can make me unhappy. I always get to choose.
Nice things and opportunities are lovely gifts, but for health and happiness purpose trumps pleasure. Instead of waiting for life to make me happy, or for everyone and everything in my world to be at peace, I focus on contribution and building community.
5. Listening to external voices instead of letting my life speak
Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am. —Parker Palmer
There is constant temptation to conform in this world but I’ve never found happiness in being who I’m not. I need to wrestle and question and forge my own path. I want to honor that to which I feel called.
For my birthday this year I chose a new theme or mantra – “listen to your life speak.” In my 40’s I’ve been decluttering trying to look like, sound like, or keep up to anyone else. I’m remembering who I am. My mission, the gifts I have to offer, what I require to feel healthy, what it is that I’m after. When I let go of needing to be deemed acceptable by you, I grow increasingly happy and calm.
I’m not a fan of “gurus” or “experts” because you’re the expert of your life. I believe we’re wired differently on purpose—different style, different speech, different gifts to build this world. We can boost happiness by listening in and then offering our unique perspective.
It’s never too late to change direction. Cull your closet, reduce purchases, simplify your calendar to live with intention. But dig in deeper too; what burdensome weight do you need to declutter so you can live free, on purpose, and show up happier?
At 47 I’ve likely walked out more than half of my story but my happiness grows more robust than ever. I am no longer willing to carry baggage that isn’t mine or chase happiness in accolade or external reward. And if it is true that we have two lives—then I’m joyfully living the second of mine.
***
Krista is a writer & Joyful Living Educator. She helps other messy humans move through perfectionism, comparison, and fear to show up fully to their imperfect and beautiful lives. Connect with her on Facebook or at A Life in Progress.
Great message and one I needed to read today. All of it spoke to me. I rarely bookmark something for rereading; however, this one makes the cut. I know I will be needing the reaffirmation many times in my journey to be the real me.
Very true. All sorts of baggage that weigh us down. It takes courage and determination to let go of these obstacles to happiness. Thank you for sharing these thoughts.
.
.
Great post. I agree and LOVE the points, all five, that you have made.
In my early 40s and every single point spoke volumes… totally relatable. This is a post I want to read every day…short hand to happiness
“Listen to your life speak” got to me. Most times we focus on trying to change to ourselves or make ourselves happy with things that are not really a requirement in our lives. Mostly because we are caring more about what others are saying or because we are just panicking and being all over the place with our thoughts and needs. This piece really made me realize that you are in control of your own happiness and that only works best if you listen to your life.
Thank you for the lovely and inspiring words.
What a lovely, lovely post! So inspiring. I particularly loved “I believe we’re wired differently on purpose—different style, different speech, different gifts to build this world.” I’ll be sure to remember that as I’m always searching for blog posts, articles and gurus to tell me what I should be doing/feeling.
Thanks so much for this.
Siân x
lovesian.co.uk
These are not the things that will make a person happy over the long run. They are kind of superficial. They are superficial. Happiness comes from knowing your relationship with God and accepting your mortality in a spiritual manner. Everything else in life is secondary. When you fully understand that God loves you and you love God, you understand your purpose, love, and happiness in your life.
I turn 50 next month. I’ve come to terms with my life, dealt with frustration, end of my hubby’s job loss, laid to rest my 28 year old horse…my heart is still grieving for losing him. Changed my schedule, cut my hair shorter, lost weight and still refuse to let what others think of me keep me from reaching my lifetime goals. I’ve even renewed my walk with my faith. I’m scared of what the future holds….but I’m excited as well.
Thanks Krista, I’m right there with you! 2017 I went through uterine cancer, chemo and radiation at age 67. Talk about putting things in perspective! I had started to “simply” my life before my journey and what a big help that was! I did not fear it, and met it head on, I looked at it for what it was with no “woe is me.” I got through it and have been blessed. Gratitude for life is everything in life. That’s why I am no longer part of the “should” generation. The only purpose of that word is to instill guilt. And with guilt comes baggage. Baggage gets heavy and destroys our chance for happiness. Get rid of the baggage, free yourself, and take charge of your own happiness. It’s the only way.
I’m so glad to hear you’re on the other side of that particular journey with light and wisdom to share. I remember so clearly the day, about 15 years go that I planted my feet and decided to stop running. I turned and faced fear head on for the very first time. Life changing. The journey was slow and steady but that was a pivotal moment for me.
I love this! The interesting thing about fear is that the thing we fear is usually not nearly as bad as the experience of fearing the thing. I spent the better part of 15 years in two different jobs that I hated, because I feared the possibility of financial loss if I tried something different.
Circumstances finally got to the point last March, where I left on the first of the month. I thought my pay would not be docked, but it was. Currently we are living well below the poverty line, and I have struggled to find references to use as I pursue the new direction I want my career to take. We are living the worst case scenario that I feared so much.
But you know what? It’s not so bad. In fact, I am more joyful, more at peace now than I ever was in my previous career. I can’t believe that the fear of exactly what is happening now, is what kept me miserable for so many years of my life.
What an amazing example – thank you for sharing it and for having the courage to step through fear into deeper joy!!!
Wow! How I needed to hear this today! :)
I’m glad you found your way here in the right moment:)
With this article I have discovered yet ANOTHER favorite writer and thinker. Beautifully written with amazing content. I know that rereading at least once (probably 2..3..4…) times will be necessary to find all the wisdom. And then I need to apply it. So much I would like to comment on, but ‘this simple day is my favorite’ spoke the loudest.
And I noticed so many comments from people who have suffered great loss. For me also, there has been so much loss and pain in recent years. My heart and prayers go out to all of you, for whatever you need in your healing.
Thank you for such a wonderful article. Even though I didn’t know it, it was just what I needed!
Thanks Jam. I am grateful to have this opportunity to share my heart/thoughts – grateful to know they are meaningful to others. Happy Tuesday to you:)
All. Of. This. I struggle with #2 the hardest. I have since I was a kid. I think there was always comfort for me in knowing what comes next. When I start to struggle with this in my daily life, I think of canoeing when the waters are rough. The temptation is to paddle extra hard and tire yourself out to move forward. However, the best thing to do is to turn your canoe parallel with the waves, no matter how harsh, and allow yourself to move with the water. Great article!
x Sofia
Love that analogy, Sofia.
“I am no longer willing to carry baggage that isn’t mine” That is a most powerful analogy. Thank you for that. I am lightening my load one day at a time.
Me too, Linda. Slow and steady is my favorite speed;)
Hi, Krista,
Loved your article re 5 “things ” to declutter”. Wow, now there are some really great closet cleaners ! ? I am right there with you and working on all of them.
Q. Why does it take us sooooooo long to see the need for these life-changing perspectives ? ☹️ I have spent the majority of my adult life (I am age 64) thinking I was the only one who had any of these (amongst other) problems, because no one wants to admit to having any; sooooo much comfort in knowing that I (and you, everyone else) am not alone. ?
A suggestion for you and your readers– a friend and I have been reading Chip Ingram’s book Spiritual Simplicity; a really great read with a very compatible theme- “Do less, love more “. It has helped me prioritize what is truly important–God and people. Check it out ?
Thank you again. Keep sharing !
Blessings,
K
Thank you for the book suggestion; I’ll check it out. I see the 40’s as an important crossroads – exactly the right time for this type or reordering or decluttering – the choices we make in this season can lead to greater freedom:)
Did you mean Bernard Malamud? (Not Malmud.)
Drats! Yes indeed.
Thank you Krista, for writing such a beautiful piece which resonates so deeply.
I too, am in my late forties and have lost 3 very close relatives in the last 6 years, the most recent of these my older sister who died earlier this year, 2 weeks after her 50th birthday.
Having already made significant life changes following the difficult deaths of my mother and aunt, I finally realised the need to let go of what others thought and do what was right for me.
I have handed in my notice from a stressful job and am currently in the process of decluttering my possessions once more (everything to charity, even unused/ unworn items), getting my healthy eating and fitness back on track and planning some part time courses and voluntary work.
I think it is of vital importance to take stock of ones life at this stage and to make changes in each significant area.
I witness so many people in their 50s, 60s and even 70s remaining stuck in the same career/ mindset and habits of a lifetime which not only deny them the opportunities of happiness, increased wellbeing and fulfilment, but also prevents the younger generations moving up or even entering, their chosen career paths. More importantly, it also denies their loved ones from spending more time with them and benefiting from good examples set.
Before I am barraged with complaints that these people have no choice or finances won’t allow, my own extensive experience shows me the opposite to be true and that many of these people are beyond wealthy in monetary terms but will never know the true meaning of a life well lived.
I have been listening to Wayne Dyer talks on YouTube recently and have also been fascinated to learn about Swedenborg, also through YouTube.
Any readers inspired by your post, especially those suffering bereavement, may gain comfort through these channels.
I am pleased to have discovered your website and will continue to refer to it as your articles make me realise I am not alone ??
Hi Gillian, thank you for your thoughtful comment. I am sorry for the loss of your sister – and cheering you on as you do this hard work of letting go what no longer serves. May you deepen roots of joy, walk with purpose, and laugh often as you go.
I feel your struggle. I cared for my younger sister along with her to young sons during her 2 year battle with cancer. My dad died of a heart attack the same week she lost her battle 4 years ago. Walking thru the valley of death with her and then caring for my mother when she lost both a daughter and her husband, was life changing for me. My sister was 48. I feel like every day I wake up, I’m in the bonus round. “I make a decision each morning that this simple day is my favorite.” , speaks to me! Me and my husband are 55 and retired this year. Life is short. Live a simple life and love hard❤️
Thank you for sharing this ♥️ – I think it helps to tell the truth that sometimes life is hard, painful, and scary. And then we can ask ourselves “Now what?” and choose our response.
My husband was 55 and I was 53 when we took a much smaller pension buy out and retired. We never made much money but I am a champion tightwad. We never lived on all our income. Put as much money away as you can. Insist your teens work weekends and vacations. Teach money management from a very early age. Never try to follow fashions or have the newest anything. Time is not replaceable.
Joyce, I’m certain your sister and father will be at peace now and eternally grateful for the care and love you showed them and continue to show them by spending time with your mother and nephews.
I wish you and your husband a happy, healthy and fulfilling retirement ?
A beautiful post. It reminds us that being uncluttered inside is what is most important. My sincere thanks.❣
Both are lovely (inner and outer calm) – it’s that I know we can’t always control the outside element. Even sharing life with other messy humans means loosening our grip and making peace with “imperfection” (again, an inside job). Thank you for reading.
On point!! Minimalism is so much about letting go of what does not serve us mentally and emotionally!
Agreed:)
My daughter moved in with us due to job loss after 22 years on her own. She sold or gave away at least 50% of her stuff. We live in a 2 BR condo. We had an empty closet and an empty dresser. She can keep a bookcase and 2 plastic tubs in our basement storage space. She can keep her off season clothes in a carry on suitcase like we do. We live near Chicago so there are definitely 4 seasons. My son is storing a table for her and we have some chairs. Friends of hers rent storage lockers for junk. I have been helping her get rid of more since she moved in.