Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Corey Allan of Simple Marriage.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw.
You’re surfing the blogosphere and you stumble across several sites on minimalism and simplification. Something in the message resonates deeply in you and you find yourself prepared to overhaul your home and life. Then the thought hits you, your spouse will never go for it.
Now what?
For starters, remember that every relationship has conflict. And every marriage has conflict as well, which is why knowing how to communicate with your spouse is so important.
John Gottman, one of the leaders in the field of marriage research, has discovered that the majority of marital conflicts are perpetual. They’re continual and repeated. In fact, 69% of all marital problems fall into this category.
There are many areas in a marriage where you’re simply not going to agree. Here are a few:
- One of you wants to have children (or X number of kids), while the other says they’re not ready, or are happy with the current number of kids.
- One of you wants sex far more frequently than the other.
- You want to raise your children Baptist, while your spouse wants them to be raised Catholic.
- Your spouse is lax about housework and rarely does his or her share until you nag, igniting anger.
- One of you is a saver with money and the other is a spender.
- Or one of you wants to work towards a more simple and minimalist type of life and the other doesn’t.
Problems in marriage are inevitable. The question is — can you remain satisfied in your marriage in spite of differences? Can your marriage thrive when there are differences between you?
I believe the answer is yes.
The key is to continually work it out and grow up. Acknowledge the problem and talk about it. Your love for each other doesn’t have to be overwhelmed by your differences.
Think of it this way — the times when there’s tension between you and your spouse, it’s like the elephant in the room. You both know it’s there when you’re together. Rather than allowing the elephant to roam freely between you and take over your space, name it. Speak up. While this won’t make the elephant leave completely, it will decrease its size.
In unstable marriages, elephants are likely to kill the relationship. Instead of coping, the couple gets gridlocked. You have the same conversation over and over, resolving nothing. You’re spinning your wheels. And since you’re making no progress, you both feel more frustrated, hurt or rejected. When this happens, resentment moves in and humor and affection leave – so does simplicity and passion.
Problems in marriage will happen. How you address them is up to you.
Here are some ways to communicate better with your partner or spouse when you don’t see eye to eye:
1. With respect.
One of the main things I see in couples on the verge of marital collapse is a lack of respect. When you reach a point where you no longer like each other, you’re in trouble.
“Respect is defined as not trying directly or indirectly to change anyone.” -Thomas Fogarty
Sadly, we often treat common strangers with more respect than people in our home. Respect is one of the key factors to a successful and happy marriage — respect for those around you, and most importantly, respect for yourself.
2. Clearly define yourself.
To define yourself means you have a deeper awareness and understanding of your beliefs, wants, needs and desires. Marriage is a great place to clarify these things in your life – mainly because that’s the way marriage is designed.
You live with another person who has his or her own view of the way things should be, just like you. For example, in your family of origin, tables may serve as great places to store piles of mail, magazines, and kid’s artwork. But your spouse’s family of origin believes tables are great places to eat dinner together, so they need to be free of clutter.
Neither way is necessarily “right,” just different. You are allowed to live life the way you choose, but so is your spouse.
3. Understand the idea of over-functioning and under-functioning.
In every relationship, there will be one who over-functions while the other under-functions. It’s a reality of relationships.
Over-functioning and under-functioning are positions that we occupy in response to how we do life. None of us is all one way all the time — we over-function in some areas of life and under-function in others. This is determined by what’s important to you and what you value. For example, if your kid’s grades are more important to you than they are to her, you’re more likely to do her homework for her, or at least keep on her about it, because she can under-function, knowing you’ll pick up the slack.
One thing to keep in mind — if you’re over-functioning for someone, you are under-functioning for yourself. When you are faced with something you want to change, and have a spouse that isn’t on the same page, it’s best to initiate a discussion about the change.
Share your thoughts – openly listen to theirs. It’s very likely that together, you will be able to come up with a solution.
4. Live by what you hold dear.
When you are faced with a situation where you and your spouse aren’t on the same page, live according to your own integrity and values.
If you want to simplify and your spouse doesn’t, simplify your life.
You want to eat healthy and your spouse only wants fast food? Eat healthy.
I’ll leave you with this: At the end of the day, all you are responsible for is you.
***
Corey Allan writes at Simple Marriage where he helps couples create better marriages by keeping things simple. You may also enjoy following him at Twitter.
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I def see some key points, but I also think you are promoting more selfish thinking than compromise. Yes we are all individuals and have our own lives, but when you are married or are in a committed relationship there should be more compromise and respect. Don’t value yourself enough to make healthy changes of course, but also see the other point of view first and consider all possibility and outcomes before making a decision. Sometimes being right doesn’t outweigh the benefit of understanding of your partner.
Sorry I meant DO value yourself enough!
Understand that you’re taking this as self serving advice, however, speaking from experience (in a 25yr long relationship 16-41 & gone through so much turmoil early early on) I can say, the advice isn’t meant self serving.
It’s intented as a self priority, became so many times in relationships we wife/husband each & or, will shut down, putting how we feel, interpret, stance, wants, needs, etc back into the vault, allowing a situation/issue to go unresolved on our end, giving up & giving into their side, feelings, views, observations, stance & grounds (In other words allowing them & their way, to kinda have that upper hand (not that it’s to battle the right or wrong /there literally shouldn’t be a right or wrong side/ both can be right & wrong & still come to an in between ground of understanding each version with respect)
Problem thought is usually 1 of the 2 refuse to step an inch out of their version & preach their “point” until it shatters the stone it’s written on.
This article is telling each person, that though, Yes there’s 2 people in the relationship & regardless of it suppose to be all about a team & not “JUST the I”
A person must still give their ownself priority as well! Each must take into consideration their own feelings, priorities & in each battle picked & chosen, In those chosen in importance, We deserve & owe it to “ourselves” to stop sweeping ourselves under the rug just because the other refuses to comprehend it through our eyes & shoes!
If for the most part its a good relationship (yall aren’t fighting over nit pick stupid shit daily, you’re both fully invest in each other & the only aim you have in the disagreement is getting across with better understanding, validation & finding ways & tools to resolve something (that could continue being/causing more problems in the future) & Are attempting that in a peaceful manner, Not insulting, degrading, belittling, being vendictive, not using words or knowledge as a weapon against the other.
Granted we picky our battles wisely, so many times issues are due to pettiness nonsense that I can’t understand how it became a heated topic much less a full blown argument, So as long as we’re using a strategy similar to this & come across an issue that’s”IMPORTANT” enough to voice to begin with, Then it’s something each individual owes it to themselves to not just give in to the opposite person, Each person has to take care of their own mental, emotional, spiritual & physical self, before taking care of their spouse (Yes we’re a team, yes I take care of him, he takes care of me, yes I carry only good intentions for him in every aspect, never would I intentionally choose anything that would bring pain on him, just to give myself some form of unjust pleasure. I give him as much mental, emotional, spiritual & physical as I hope to have reciprocated. I give the conclusion on many issues, “we must just agree to disagree”
& never do i say my side is higher valued & never do I just dismiss his side as irrelevant to my side.
Also in most arguments there’s not a strong team, It goes a lot more ping pong or something, one against the other, if the argument was as a team then we’d be on each others side….
Now I will say, that tonight me & my s/o had a disagreement, 1st in months & after having an awesome day together (& after working our way back from a huge fallout that nearly ended a 26yr relationship)
Once again though the topic is a past issue, 1 that occurred off & on over 4rs (mind you I can’t fill you in on the extent of our background, history, horrors, trials, tribulations, achievements & successors that brings us to our standing point today or today a year ago)
However this is an occurring issue, became it’s something we still haven’t worked through & resolved all contributing factors, So each time this subject comes up it remains in 1 version (His version, His views, His reasons for why any of it went how it went, His descions, His “level” of understanding, & His solutions)
Where as the issue at hand has several contributing factors, several ways it could be viewed, several levels of factors ranging at different depths as well. His view is that A, B, & C were the result of=Z, When actually A, B & C were the result of= Z, X, 1, & 2 (+factors= Most of which he basis his view only with an external perception ~outside looking in~ & little being on internal facts of which I’ve tried voicing (respectively multiple times, regardless what I say or how I say it, He refuses to open Z, X, 1 & 2 exists.
I’ve explained that I understand A, B & C, acknowledge their factors, contributions, & ramifications, I’ve explained how I except them, my fault in them, my wrongs in them, apologized & given my 100 in changed behavior which resulted in A, B & C, Ultimately tackling & conquering A, B & C giving them no room to continue as an issue.
However Z, X, 1 & 2 still exists ZX12 fully & had somewhere between 50%-60% contributions at times & at other only a 10%-30% in contributions, yet each time I acknowledge ZX12, he says ZX12 don’t matter because AB&C is bigger.
But NO! This is something that needs full understanding & healing in order for us “both” to digest it, pull ourselves & each other out of the hurt it caused (us both) in order for us to complete the full obstacle coarse, cross the finish line & hold another trophy, I need him to stop “PUSHING” the his only version to an experience that I lived. (Just as things he’s done in the past that I wasn’t present for or things he does now that I’m not present for, that he tells me or others about, get to be his version, his experience, He gets to own those truths in his words, his choices, reasons, etc. The exterior version from my views or opinions do not get to (nor have I ever attempted to override his version with an only me version of it)
Well I’m sorry for my wrongs to our team & to him personally for pains he endured while I had lost me! Just as he is sorry for his wrongs to out team & me personally for pains I endured.
But I’m only asking for us to heal from what I inflicted on us with the same justification, individualizam for each person’s experiences & soul journey through an evolving time.
I’ve hit a point in life, it’s not so much about nonsensual fussing & fighting through daily nonsense,
It’s about us as 1:1 2, individuals still, living & learning through the 1 chance we’re granted & truly aiming for it to be the absolutely best, most loving, supportive, nurturing, understanding, fulfilling, rewarding, most prosperous that 2 people can achieve. To me a relationship isn’t just day to day, living, breathing, working, goin through the everyday motions, & as reba says “Wondering if there’s more to life out there”
I dont want to build or cause another resentments & grudges & regrets over “LIFE” “LEARNING LIFE” “FAILURES” & “UNHEALED EMOTIONAL TRAUMA THAT EXIST DUES TO PREVIOUS GENERATIONAL BELIEF’S”
Regardless of being in a 100% committed, loving, determined relationship, team, family, ride or die, soulmate, puzzles pieces, on a life long journey together….. Each & everyone of us & out there in the world are also “INDIVIDUALS” still! My aim is that we still have a comprehension of being 2 individual lives, living a life devoted to each other, Allowed to carry an individualizam as a “TEAM”
Each able to thrive in their own individual evolvement, Which then allows the team a bigger evolvement TOGETHER!
The advice is quite interesting
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I married 1 year back. I started family since two months. Still I am not happy. My wife and they parents creating lot many problems. I am going more and more depression when i think about them.
She is not at all under standing me. She never cares me only cares her parents. She is working but not to helped small amount for a week also when i was struggle. I want to live happy life what to do
Grow up?
Thanks for nothing, Pal
How do you compromise on how to raise children if you have two different view points on how to do so, especially when it comes to buying them “stuff”. One of us wants to live a minimalist lifestyle and the other wants to buy them things, especially on Holidays. The children are young and don’t get that they will be happier in the long run with less toys. They probably will think they were bad this year and Santa didn’t bring them very much or the Easter bunny didn’t fill their basket. We can’t just do what we want for ourselves in this case. We share the children and are raising them together. If you just agree to disagree then which parents values win out? And how can you explain to a five year old that presents don’t matter and don’t really bring you happiness? We know exactly what our disagreements are about. We’ve addressed the elephant. We just can’t find a common ground. How do you live with your own integrities and values when it’s the opposite of your spouse but you have to raise children together?
Very Nice blog post
Hey, is good I inform all the men and guys out there that sometime we all make mistake in our relationship and made our relationship to be broken and is also our responsibility to make it work by seeking for solution to it, I’m very happy today to tell you little of my relationship problem, i cheated once on my wife and she caught me and she was ready to end our marriage because i truly love her i quickly seek for solution to stop her that is when i came across Dr ekpen temple who has help so many people restore their broken marriage and relationship i also contact him today my marriage is restored, I’m going to drop his contact so that does having the same issues can contact him for solution on (ekpentemple @ gmail. com).
Nice posts.relationship issues are so complex to me now. Can ‘t see clearly now, friends.
How can I get my lover back tonight? How can I take steps in getting my lover back fast? Is my situation with my boyfriend or girlfriend hopeless?
wife and husband are same cart
What if the disagreement you are having with your partner is concerning drugs? They want to try Ecstasy and you are one hundred percent against drugs. And they knew that you had that stance years before you started dating, and also had the same one years ago and now have suddenly taken an interest in it. What if when you raised valid concerns and facts on the aftermath of drug use, they always had a comeback that seemed to be based in ‘facts’ but really is based in ignorance, basically from a place where they have already decided they wanted to do it, and you don’t matter.
But how does one move on a situation where there is no compromise? For example, i am career oriented, have a great job, and want to stay in current city to become successful and raise are two newborns in a place with opportunity and where we can raise them in a financially stable home.
However, at my wife’s behest I found a job in a small town near her family for a 50% pay cut. We will be “okay” and be able to raise our kids in a middle class home still. But I think I will always hold it against her if we move. And if we stay she’ll always hold it against me.
How do you get over that?
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Hi, I’ve been with my fiancée, going into our 4th year next month, and I feel like.. I am confused! We set a wedding date, halloween, and we started planning. But then a few months ago- and currently- he started vacillating about actually going through with it. He has called off the wedding twice and postponed it and we even changed the STATE we would have the ceremony. Now our families are getting anxious, not to mention my stress level, because they ALL have to travel to get to us. He says it’s because he doesn’t trust me 100% or I don’t pay enough attention to him or I care more about “the wedding” than the marriage… but 2 days ago he said let’s get married in town- tonight he says he feels rushed when I ask him if we can discuss dates so our family’s can make arrangements! Now he’s cancelled the whole thing again “indefinitely” he tells me!!!! We haven’t been arguing or lacking ‘snuggle time’… I DON’T GET IT!!! I’ve been waiting for this day my entire life, it’s important to me, maybe I’m old fashioned, but I need my dad to give me away and if he doesn’t I won’t get married. My man knows that. That being said, my dad is waiting for the set wedding date to retire and leave the country- forever!!!! So if I tell him to buy his ticket and it’s all set, then it ends up falling apart again, he losses A LOT of money and I look like an idiot for wasting all his time and money. Plus, then he’s gone, for good and I’m left feeling broken hearted. Not to mention resentment towards my – still not husband. …
Help, please….
Interesting post. I have this repeated issue with my partner. He comments on other women consistently (or enough for it to upset me). I expressed to him that I do not like this and it makes me feel uncomfortable and disrespected but he states I pick him up wrong and that this is my issue. I disagree with him and will not let up on it. It has now gotten to the stage where I am in fact growing to dislike him and starting to lose respect for him, for the simple reason that he doesn’t take my feelings on board. I do not do this to him and expect the same treatment. I have come to believe he does this on purpose to upset me which is painful for me to think. He maintains he doesn’t mean it the way I interpret it and I am foolish to think he does, and I need to relax. Feeling utterly hopeless as I am also pregnant with his child. How can I maintain my own integrity and get my point across to him? Currently I get so frustrated with him when he repeats this behaviour that I start to get worked up and of course he doesn’t want to listen then. I feel I’ve tried everything: writing it down, saying ‘I feel this, when you do this’ and to no avail. I am sad to think that the reality is he does not respect me and does not take me seriously and even perhaps wants to hurt me on some level :-(
Easy. Next time you are out, and YOU see a hot piece of man ass, comment on it. Loudly. Maybe even bring it up later, in the middle of some sort of ‘physical’ activity. I prescribe a good ol’ fashion bottle of ‘taste of your own medicine’. That, should do it.
Well….I don’t even know were to start. This all sound like really good advice but does it really work? My husband and I disagree on a lot of things. We were sepreated a about 2 years ago, we even went to court. He wanted to work things out so we decided to give it a try, everything was fine up until now. I try to make things work but he doesn’t seem to understand me. I feel that we are on two different pages and think different. I don’t know if its because we were both raised differently. We have three kids oldest is soon to be 12 and the youngest is soon to be 6 months. For example, I want my son to play soccer (which he has been doing it since he was 6, because its something positive and keep his busy and off the street). My husband always has something to say right before I take him to practice. It really sad, I (we) always seem to ignore him. Its sad but that’s how I handle it. He says “it just wastes our time”, “we can’t do anything as family”, blah, blah, blah. I tell him that first of all practice is only twice a week and games on Saturday. I tell him that the rest of the day we do nothing!….Its getting to a point were I can’t take it anymore!! I need advice and help. I believe in marriage and I want to keep things working out for us but if he doesn’t I really don’t know what to do.
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– I am kasha i lives in uk and i was in a serious relationship with my ex guy for three good years.. One day we were in a dinner party, we had a little misunderstanding which lead to a Quarrel and he stood up and left me at the dinner party. i try to call him but he was not picking my calls so after than i contacted my brother and told him about it,my brother so much love me that he had to see him on my behalf,he told my brother that it is over between us.. Then i contacted a friend of mine that had this similar experience and she directed me to one of the spiritual diviner ([email protected]).at first i thought it was not going to be possible and i contacted him i was ask to come up with a little requirement,so i did what i was ask to do, after 3 days i was in my office when my ex guy called me and was asking me to forgive him and come back to him. i was very surprise it was like a dream to me,so ever since we have been happily married with one kid my lovely baby(Ceslav)…i wish you the best of luck…
Hi, I am manish even iam going through the same problem.,My fiancee wants to end our relationship but I really don’t want to do this i would be very much thankful if u can help me out in this regards
Great article. My partner have come through a real rough patch. But what I would like to know is how do u come to a balance when it comes to finances . We were given money for our twins and he spent it on something else…upset
I just lost a relationship because my partner wanted me all the time and didn’t allow for “me” time at all. He felt if I needed time to handle my business, take care for my elderly folks or assist my adult children it was a sign I wasn’t committed to him. I am glad I stood up for me even if it meant losing him. I will always have me : )
Did you know your work has been copied here:
http://teaonlyonsunday.blogspot.com/2011/07/how-to-communicate-with-your-partner.html
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This all sounds good, but I’m not sure it can really address the big problems.
You want (2 person) sex, but your spouse doesn’t? Have sex. Hmm.
You want to hoard/control all the money you earn and keep a separate bank account from your stay-at-home-mom wife? Go ahead.
Your examples seemed to be things people can do on their own without really impacting the other person. What about the big problems?
I’ve written on this idea here and here:
http://www.simplemarriage.net/how-to-break-free-of-marital-gridlock.html
&
http://www.simplemarriage.net/marital-gridlock-and-growing-up.html
I much prefer informative articles like this to that high brow lietrarute.
b4AiEB bovysobhidpb
Great Post! Sometimes we all need a little reminder. I know with my boyfriend we struggle with some of the above. We work together and live together. It can be very intense at times and we sometimes take each other for granted and the time we have since we are together so much. I also think this hinders the finding balance and meting half way. We both always want it our way or no way. This is something that requires respect for your partner. A relationship is always a learning process.
I absolutely loved this post! My husband has always been the more minimalist one in our marriage, but I am working very hard at becoming a minimalist also. Thanks for the great communication tips!!
I think I may have a problem with over-functioning. While lately I have been trying to focus more on my wants and needs, its hard because I have this overpowering feeling of needing to take care of my husbands needs first all the time. My mother has always been that way and its been hard to accept I have the same problem sometimes!
Thanks for the reminder.
Thank you for this article – I have always felt the “over-functioning & underfunctioning” but have never been able to clearly articulate what it was. I tend to underfunction when my husband is home, believing myself to be inferior. Which I am clearly not since I manage fine when he is away – time for me to step up my wife game!
jill :)
While I certainly can’t speak for your husband, but I believe most husbands like it when their wife steps up their wife game.
Hope this reaps fabulous benefits in your marriage and life!
Thank you for a well articulated post. In our marriage, I am moving towards simplicity with a bit more resolve than my wife. So far, I think I have been successful in simplifying MY life and let her be a spectator of the change. I’ve actually noticed small changes on her part. The last thing I’d want is send a message that my way is better. My way simply works for me. Thank you for emphasizing respect, a bedrock for relationships.
Wow, great post Corey! As someone who just celebrated their 30 anniversary, I can agree with your points here. One thing I have never really heard in such a way is the over and under-functioning. I can see this in our lives very well. Will have to give some thought to working through it!
I also love the idea of naming the elephant. Some things will never be agreed upon, name it and accept it for what it is.
Thanks!
Bernice
As go your days, so goes your life