“Comparison is the thief of joy.” —Theodore Roosevelt
I’ve struggled with it most of my life. Typically, I blame it on having a twin brother who is five inches taller with much broader shoulders. But if I was being truly honest, more likely, it is simply a character flaw hidden somewhere deep in my heart.
I’ve lived most of my life comparing myself to others. At first, it was school and sports. But as I got older, I began comparing other metrics: job title, income level, house size, and worldly successes.
I have discovered there is an infinite number of categories upon which we can compare ourselves and an almost infinite number of people to compare ourselves to. And with how flooded we are by social media, it’s easier than ever to constantly find someone “better” to compare ourselves to, which only serves to make us feel bad about ourselves.
Once we begin down that road, we never find an end.
The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as any other emotion. Certainly, I’m not alone in my experience. But it is a decision that only steals joy from our lives. And it is a habit with numerous shortcomings:
- Comparisons are always unfair. We typically compare the worst we know of ourselves to the best we presume about others.
- Comparisons, by definition, require metrics. But only a fool believes every good thing can be counted (or measured).
- Comparisons rob us of precious time. We each get 86,400 seconds each day. And using even one to compare yourself or your accomplishments to another is one second too many.
- You are too unique to compare fairly. Your gifts and talents and successes and contributions and value are entirely unique to you and your purpose in this world. They can never be properly compared to anyone else.
- You have nothing to gain, but much to lose. For example: your pride, your dignity, your drive, and your passion.
- There is no end to the possible number of comparisons. The habit can never be overcome by attaining success. There will also be something—or someone—else to focus on.
- Comparison puts focus on the wrong person. You can control one life—yours. But when we constantly compare ourselves to others, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our own.
- Comparisons often result in resentment. Resentment towards others and towards ourselves.
- Comparisons deprive us of joy. They add no value, meaning, or fulfillment to our lives. They only distract from it.
Indeed, the negative effects of comparisons are wide and far-reaching. Likely, you have experienced (or are experiencing) many of them first-hand in your life as well.
How then, might we break free from this habit of comparison?
Tips on How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
How do you stop constantly comparing yourself to others? Here are some useful tips that have worked really well:
- Be aware of its ill effects. Take notice of the harmful effects comparing yourself to others has on your life. Intentionally remove it from the inside-out to free yourself from the damage this mindset has had on you.
- See your own successes. Whether you are a writer, musician, doctor, landscaper, mother, or student, you have a unique perspective backed by unique experiences and unique gifts. You have the capacity to love, serve, and contribute. You have everything you need to accomplish good in your little section of the world. With that opportunity squarely in front of you, become intimately aware of your past successes. And find motivation in them to pursue more.
- Desire the greater things in life. Some of the greatest treasures in this world are hidden from sight: love, humility, empathy, selflessness, generosity. Among these higher pursuits, there is no measurement. Desire them above everything else and remove yourself entirely from society’s definition of success.
- Compete less and appreciate more. There may be times when competition is appropriate, but life is not one of them. We have all been thrown together at this exact moment on this exact planet. And the sooner we stop competing against others to “win,” the faster we can start working together to figure it out. The first and most important step in overcoming the habit of competition is to routinely appreciate and compliment the contribution of others.
- Practice gratitude. Gratitude always forces us to recognize the good things we already have in our world. Remind yourself nobody is perfect. While focusing on the negatives is rarely as helpful as focusing on the positives, there is important space to be found remembering that nobody is perfect and nobody is living a painless life. Triumph requires an obstacle to be overcome. And everybody is suffering through their own, whether you are close enough to know it or not.
- Take a walk. Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to others, get up and change your surroundings. Go for a walk—even if only to the other side of the room. Allow the change in your surroundings to prompt change in your thinking.
- Find inspiration without comparison. Comparing our lives with others is foolish. But finding inspiration and learning from others is entirely wise. Work hard to learn the difference. Humbly ask questions of the people you admire or read biographies as inspiration. But if comparison is a consistent tendency in your life, notice which attitudes prompt positive change and which result in negative influence.
- Compare with yourself. We ought to strive to be the best possible versions of ourselves—not only for our own selves but for the benefit and contribution we can offer to others. Work hard to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Commit to growing a little bit each day. And learn to celebrate the little advancements you are making without comparing them to others.
With so many negative effects inherent in comparison, it is a shame we ever take part in it. But the struggle is real for most of us. Fortunately, it does not need to be. And the freedom found in comparing less is entirely worth the effort.
Stop comparing yourself to everyone else’s highlight reels.
Further Reading
- USA Today covers a study performed by researchers from Lancaster University that highlighted the common feelings of depression that follows frequent posting on social media. It’s worth a read to see how platforms like Facebook can negatively affect our mental health.
If you’re interested in reading the study yourself, you can find it here. But be aware that the study itself isn’t accessible for free (while the USA Today article is free to read).
Kim @ Extra Organised says
Great post, thank you Joshua. I try to remember that comparison is all about our egos while compassion is all about the life we share. Focusing on the life we share is a great leveler and places us right alongside each other rather than competing using our more human measurements of comparison (such as better than or worse than).
Vicki says
Wow…this is awesome, Josh. Thank you for this helpful article. I too am guilty of this to the point of just shutting down all the things I used to enjoy, entertaining, going out, excepting invitations etc; Mine started a long time ago, my father was very verbally abusive and my best childhood friends mother was as well. Whenever WE did anything wrong it was always MY fault, my bad influence…it stuck in my head I guess. I was very thin before having kids & it was hard then, now that I am not young & thin it is so, so much harder. I have had breast cancer & it too has just added more onto my plate of self loathing. I appreciate everyone’s replies to this article, it helps to know I’m not the only one.
Sabine says
Great article :) and advise on how to teach this to the 7 year old crowd?
pt says
Thank you for this precious post!!!
momof5boys says
Just a thought….we encourage children to compare themselves to others at an early age simply because they follow our example. Also, we have to be careful in how we compliment because even this can have far reaching consequences. For example, how about telling a little girl she has a beautiful smile that lit up your day, rather than commenting on her pretty dress. Teaching our children to focus on inner beauty – a caring heart – rather than outward comparisons will enrich them.
JR Riel says
Do you REALLY have a brother that is 5 inches taller than you? Or was that just a clever opening link. Anyhow, great words of advice here. I love every minute of it. I’ve been following you on FB as well, and really appreciate the inspiring photos you place there, too. Thank you!
joshua becker says
Sure do. I should find a picture for you sometime.
M Lee says
I agree with Julie ….. it is hard for me to see who I once was professionally and how it all fell away, and not have regrets and envy of where I once was in my life. Things change for us, sometimes not by our choice and that is hard. I am trying to remind myself daily that there is so much more to be grateful for. I percieved my contentment and happiness to be a thing of the past, but I am slowly remembering that we only possess the traits that we focus on. By looking past my regrets, I have just now begun to see all that I forgotten or lost sight of …… gratefulness, optimism, hope and thankfulness. I am so thankful for your posts.
Lex Weinstein says
Josh,
Thank you so incredibly much for writing this article. It’s format takes us from a place of relate-ability and compassion to understanding of why/how our habits are formed to empowerment over our negative thought patterns. I found it incredibly helpful, inspiring and will keep it as scripture to relate back to regularly.
As a fashion blogger, I believe clothing can be a beautiful platform of self expression and celebration of femininity. However the industry and advertisements create a flawed perspective of beauty standards that slap a negative connotation to the term “fashion.” Even blogging can prove incredibly challenging when seeing the success of your colleagues, second guessing your worth and/or abilities.
This article is a blueprint for success — in recognizing the invalidity of comparison we are free to be ourselves in our truest forms and fully align with our strengths and our unique gifts.
I am excited to share this with all those in the fashion industry who feel the same as I do. Thank you again for such a beautiful piece of writing.
Namaste,
Lex
Andrea says
Nicely said. As a twin you must be particularly well suited to writing on this topic. The insight I would like to thank you for has to do with my daughter… she is bound and determined to be a singer when she grows up. Two years ago I’d have said this was an impossibility because she couldn’t “carry a tune”. She was undeterred. She loves to sing. We have unearthed teachers in special methodologies to help her hear the space between notes, and vocal coaches, choruses, etc., etc. And, her improvement has been dramatic. At 14 she is encountering kids who are very accomplished and already successful. Still she is singing, practicing, working away. I have so much respect for her tenacity but also have been so worried that she will, at some point, be told she isn’t good enough. Crushing. The insight I have from your post is that the reason she has improved so much, and is even able to participate at all, is because she doesn’t compare herself. She must be missing the gene.
Lex Weinstein says
Andrea this is so inspiring! Children have the most amazing insight into a truth that we seem to have forgotten as adults. Please tell your daughter to always hear her inner voice louder than the rest, and thank her for inspiring me to do the same. Namaste.
pamela says
Tears are rolling down my face as I read others’ comments because I share their intense, self-destructive pain. DISABLING PAIN! Thank you for a beautiful article and the reminder that I am not suffering alone. I have recently been working on a special project which gives me so much joy to give to others. A BEAUTIFUL gift I have found in the process, is that I’ve surrounded myself by amazing women who value MY special gifts and strengths and they continuously thank me for those things which I can contribute. When I screw up royally on the things that I’m just not too good at, they always laugh and remind me of how great I am at…….a.b.c……… It helps me balance and accept myself for my special gifts and appreciate being recognized and loved for those talents that shine in me.