“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.” —Tom Wilson
Life is not perfect. It never has been and never will be. This is not bad news. In fact, once we begin to embrace this reality, we welcome a great number of possibilities. Life is never perfect. We know this to be true.
Why then, do we continue to complain about its imperfections?
We complain about the weather, the traffic, and the weeds in our yard. We complain about tight clothing, misplaced keys, late airplanes, and the price of gasoline. We complain about our jobs or our lack of jobs. We complain about nosy neighbors, crying babies, ungrateful teenagers, and lazy spouses. We have become a society too quick to complain.
Complaining is almost never a positive reaction to our circumstance. (tweet that)
There are times, of course, when notifying someone of an injustice is good and proper. But most of the time, we express feelings of pain, dissatisfaction, or resentment simply because it is our natural response.
But this response ought to be reconsidered in our lives because it is rarely healthy. In fact, there are many negative outcomes to this reaction. Complaining feeds and breeds a negative response. Additionally,
- It fosters a negative attitude. Complaining draws our attention to the negative aspects and circumstance around us. And focusing on the negatives always brings about greater negativity. Complaining never results in joy—it only sinks us deeper into our misery.
- It negatively impacts those around us. Complaints spread negativity. By focusing on and drawing attention to the problems and discomforts around us, we direct other people towards it too. Misery loves company.
- It doesn’t change our circumstance. Taking action does. But complaining words by themselves do not.
- It disqualifies the value of discomfort in our lives. Discomfort—both physical and emotional—can have profound benefit for our lives. There are countless life lessons that can only be learned by embracing discomfort: patience and perseverance just to mention a few. Become OK with discomfort. You’ll be glad you did.
- It is highly unattractive. It is unenjoyable to spend time around people who constantly highlight the negatives. And not only unattractive, the self-centered emphasis of complaining can be annoying as well.
- It leaves us in victim-mode. One of the greatest obstacles to lasting change is blame. And complaining finds its foundation almost entirely in blame.
On the other hand, there are numerous benefits to complaining less. It shifts our focus to the positive. It allows gratitude to take root. And cheerfulness can be an excellent beautifier.
How then, might we begin to overcome the habit of complaining? First, admit lifestyle changes can take time. And then, consider adopting some of these helpful steps below.
How to Complain Less.
1. Consider the importance of adopting the change. Many of us complain only because we have never considered the alternative. We have never been alerted to its harmful effects—both in us and around us. We never considered there may be a better way. But when given the choice, most of us would prefer to give life rather than drain life with our words. Determine to do just that.
2. Embrace the recognition of an imperfect world. Life is not always going to serve up what we would like (or even expect) at every turn. There will be trouble, trial, and pain. Again, this is okay. And the sooner we stop holding out for a world that revolves around us, the sooner we can embrace the fact that our contribution is far more needed than our pleasure. Discomfort should not surprise us—and we are not the only ones experiencing it.
3. Understand the difference between helpful criticism and complaint. There are times when it is entirely appropriate to raise attention to a wrong being committed. This can be helpful and should never be discouraged. Decipher if the situation can and should be resolved. If not, there is a good chance our complaints have no real interest in dialogue, problem solving, or human connection. And in that case, they should be avoided.
4. Be mindful of your audience. Are you speaking to someone who can help solve the problem or has a vested interest in bringing about a resolution? If so, use problem-solving language. If not, tread lightly. If you must continue, preface your complaint with impact-reducing language. For example, beginning with “Can I just vent for a minute or two?” may be all you need to orient yourself and your listener toward your purpose and be helpful in reminding yourself to keep it brief.
5. Avoid beginning conversations with a complaint. Take notice of how often we initiate conversations with a complaint. Often times, even subconsciously, this tactic is used because it garners a heightened response. Remove it from your arsenal. And try spreading some cheer with your opening line instead.
6. Refuse to complain for the sake of validation. Sometimes our complaints are used to validate our worth to others. “I’m so busy,” is a good example. We often say it as a means to subtly communicate our importance. Don’t seek to impress others with your complaints. That strategy won’t gain you any friends in the long run anyway.
7. Notice your triggers. Is there a specific time period of the day you tend to complain more than others? Morning, evening, or late afternoon? When your spouse is home? When you are drinking coffee or lunch with your friends? Maybe it is around the water cooler with your co-workers? Take notice. Then, avoid triggers if possible. If they cannot be avoided, make a point to be extra vigilent when you see them arise.
8. Embrace the idea of experimentation. Setting a goal of “never, ever complaining again” may be counter-productive. Instead, try designating a short period of time where you can be particularly mindful. For example, decide to go just one day without complaining. This shorter time period will allow you to concentrate more fully on your goal. The shortened, experimental time frame will foster increased sensitivity.
Mindless complaining serves little purpose in our lives. It fosters displeasure, spreads negativity, and sparks conflict. We’d live happier without it. Moving forward, let’s recognize and embrace the positive instead.
Image: baronsquirrel
Need major help in this area of my life..its causing too much pain for me and a good friendship…:{
Well was looking for how to complain less and found this. Really woke me up and gave me some good pointers. I do this and worry like crazy due to low money and my car needing licenced soon.. But the saying “Every thorn has a rose” is worth repeating over and over. Thanks so much.
Talk about looking in a mirror!!! Mercy……do I ever have some growing to do!!! I could see myself in here so vividly……….and there certainly is a lot of room for improvement. I started today! What an eye-opening article, Joshua! How’d you get to be so smart at such a young age?? :) Thanks!!!
It is easy to complain, almost natural. I have been fighting the urge and instead replace with trying to understand the reason things are the way they are. Followed by brainstorming ways to change it. It is sort of working thanks for the reminder.
I am working on this, but it’s hard since I was brought up in a very negative, complaining atmosphere so it is a habit. I was wondering what a response would be to people who call me to complain when I don’t want to do that?
I remember a well-known author who became convicted about how much she complained (gripe, whine, vent…a rose by any other name…). She was challenged to try one of the things you suggested: to go a day without allowing any negative talk to come out of her mouth. After catching herself many times and biting her tongue, she realized she didn’t actually talk very much at all that day.
I went to the doctor today, and they said I lost 20lbs. in the last 11 months, I’ve started exercising, eating better, and I found some friends to help me let go of some the things I was constantly complaining about! I still am working on letting go! It makes me, and everyone around me feel better!
Thank you for the post!
I would love for the chronic “run the other guy down behind his back” complainers to understand how exhausting and unattractive it is to be in their company when they go off about other people. Its one thing to do a quick vent, but to go on and on….very unsexy.
I wonder if it may be insecurity and by talking about others they feel better about themselves? Would it help to find sincere ways to complement these people? Whats the best way to end the complaining without alienating or angering the person? It’s not always a person you can simply walk away from. It could be a family member or spouse.
I love the intent of this article. I needed to hear and be reminded to be ever intentional about how I use words to draw attention to something negative.
Here is my spiritual hairball… I am really upset by recent events in our country about racial inequality (Furguson, MO, Beavercreek, OH, etc.). I am a white mother to an African American daughter, so I constantly try to challenge myself to see my white privilege and respond to these injustices through social media and in my conversations with others. I believe this must come across as complaining, as many in my white community respond in the ways that you describe in this article, as one would respond to complaining. So I guess I am wondering about the difference between complaining and advocating? And I question if it is not from a place of privilege that we are able to dismiss others advocating as complaining? If one feels powerless in the face of oppression, I deeply believe it is not an option to be silent… but how do you advocate without being dismissed as a complainer?
Struggling with this.
That was a really interesting question. I can’t claim to have any answers, so I hope my thoughts are helpful, because I struggle with this too in different arenas. I have noticed that in some advocacy situations for Autism and Breast Cancer awareness/progress, I have found a very celebratory mood. Other situations that, such as what you describe, are more tense, there is understandably more angst and anger… but anger tends to get in the way of solutions. As a release for communal emotions, such things have value, but I wonder if after all the focus on the negative outcome we wish to prevent, we can find a something we can achieve that will make those negative outcomes less common? And celebrate that, as we advocate for it? Maybe it’s more than a single step of advocacy? Maybe step one is to mourn, to release the anger, and step two is to find something we can all rally around, that makes us feel good to be a participant?
Maybe it is not so much advocating as that after you have sincerely made a relevant point, you just go on, and on,and on…….or maybe every time your friends see you they think,”Oh no, what is it this time ?”
Many years ago I did a Bible study called “Lord, Change My Attitude”. It was all about fostering gratitude, not complaining, and changing how we think. It was life changing! I highly recommend it…
Few years ago,I watched on Oprah show about a guy who has a funny and good idea to stop complaining by wearing a purple wristband.Every time you complain,you have to switch from one wrist to another.That’s why I complain less now.
This is a great topic. I work in a business where there are many valid reasons to complain. I always try to stick to the basic facts, and move from there to solutions, at least publicly… but I’ve found I often give myself an excuse because of the situation – I’ve basically whined to myself and accepted the whine. It’s not just our external behavior, but our internal dialogue that sometimes need a refresher course in positive behaviors. It’s important to understand and accept the facts of the situation, but that should be a starting point to drive improvement, not used as a reason to fail.
Well if there is nothing to complain about, why change?
Your question implies that part of our raison d’être is to complain. I believe our reason for being is just that – to be. Complaint is something we can choose to do.
Next time your boss complains about your performance tell her to be patient and not be so negative.
Maybe you can’t openly tell him/her that, but you can politely ask and propose a solution or alternative that your boss will have to wait to see in action or see the new results.
Wow… Talk about food for thought. This is one of the best articles I’ve read on this issue. I just read it aloud to my husband and preteen daughter. We could all learn from your words…thank you!
If someone complains about the weather I say. Do you like taking baths and drinking tea?
If someone complains about the rain, I say, “Do you like taking baths and drinking tea?”
Great response. I like that!
Yes, it seems that people love to get together and complain. I am guilty of this too. When your all positive all the time I find it bothers people. So weird. I spend allot of time alone, I like the silence…lol. Why is it that people just don’t seem to be able to carry a conversation unless their complaining? Sometimes I think I complain so I don’t come off as one of those happy go lucky people that is enjoying life and is peacefully present. People always complain about those type of people. I guess I need to learn to not care what others think so much. Love this article, I am going for it!!!! :)
I feel the same way
Thank you. That was beautiful.
Wow! This hit home so hard. Thank you so much. I really needed to hear this. I realize that my workplace is a real trigger for my complaining and in the end it just makes me unhappy and does not solve anything!
Yeah, i think these points make complete sense. I have been complaining a lot, with which I am getting a notion that I might lose my dear friends. Its hard to control, particularly when you live alone. But yes, I think these points will help. I specially like the last point. I will do this exercise and it should help me in complaining less. Thank you very much again for the post.
Great article! I have been personally working on being more aware of blessings and expressing gratitude. I work with the public and listen to many complaints every day. I’d like to graciously challenge people to think of something positive to say, just not sure how to word it. Any ideas?
A couple of years ago my husband told me that I would complain too much, that I was out of control with my complaining… (my son was 3 I was adapting my routine to a new job and was a bit depressed, he was too). But I took the challenge. I did almost everything Josua described here, but in an instinctive way. I have grown as a person and I am really proud of that change. I brought a lot of peace to my couple and family.
I love this article. I don’t think I’m normally too bad about complaining, but I need to work to be more aware of it. I have saved this article to my phone, and I plan to read it at least once a week. It will help me to remember to keep my internal mumblings to a minimum as well. I am much happier when I’m not mentally complaining to myself about a co-worker. Thanks again. for a great article.
Thank u so much for this article, i needed it.
A much needed for a usually positive and problem solving woman who has hit financial, job and daughters health issues in one swoop. Has knocked me backwards and knocked wind out of me but am setting aside some time to remind me that i have all those positive attributes to work it out. Will print out article and pop it on my wall as a ‘navigational’ signpost back to my former self xx
marcelle
What would be a nice and loving way to respond to someone who complains often?
Soo grateful for the like minded people here, feel like I’m swimming upstream most of the time, with society’s never ending thirst for more more more….
Grateful for the love I have, the warmth of my cozy home and having all I need.
wow thank u very much….
I have struggled getting through winters and have struggled for years with depression. These two combined made me dread winter starting in late summer. This past year I set a goal to not complain about winter. I decided I had been a Canadian for all fifty-six years of my life and I had better start liking winter more. Every time someone griped about winter around me I told them of my goal. Before I knew it winter was winding down and I had done so much better than other recent years. It didn’t make my depression issues go away but it helped with it and with getting through winter. I then set another goal to stop complaining about family members. I will just keep whittling away at my complaining issues till I master this.
I love this post. I have to remind myself to complain less and enjoy life more. Thank you for the reminder and the tips to avoid complaining.
I have been a complainer and have been actively working to change. One strategy that is working for me is to think of the opposite and express gratitude. So, instead of say complaining about the traffic due to road construction, I counter my frustration with expressing gratitude that the city maintains the roads. It has helped.
Often a pleasure to read your posts. Thank your for providing alternatives to cope with complaining.
Such good advice. Thanks.
Thank you Joshua. Helpful advice that I needed to hear.
I really appreciate your words! They speak to me and are such simple things to do! I know I will stumble now and again, but I pray that God will give me the strength to follow such guidelines to make me a much happier person! It all starts with me and my actions!
What is the difference between venting and complaining?
I’ve been wondering for some time.
Another terrific post. The way I look at my ‘stuff’ and my life is changing. Thanks to your posts, I’m seeing everything in a very different light. I like what I’m learning. I’ve just started to lighten the load and it feels good. It’s slow going but that’s ok. I do what I can when I can. Most importantly, my outlook on life is changing. I had no idea how much control my possessions had over me. It’s pretty amazing when you think about it. Changing is a process and I’m glad it’s begun with me. Thanks to you.
I wish I could post this article on the walls of my workplace! Great advice and a good reminder that we all need to adapt and if we have something to complain about, recognize it and look for a solution. Thanks for sharing!
Very poignant and timely advice for me.
Wow! Spot on and an action plan too! Awesome! Thankyou for the reminder!
Spoke with a monk. He gave a great piece of advice. Allow yourself 15 minutes on a specific subject, no more, because frankly after 15 minutes every possible thing has been said. Then move forward with solutions or let it go. It breaks the repeated complaining about the same subject which seems the method of choice nowadays, yet doesn’t involve denying your frustrations. Even better if you’re complaining to yourself lol.
Love to read your post.Am trying to live by it too.Thanks so much.
Fabulous article. I’ve been thinking a lot about theses same thoughts lately as I’ve been spending more time with a “complainer”. Any advice for when you are hearing useless and negative complaints? I go back and forth between a short acknowledgment, silence, positive redirecting the conversation to being annoyed, frustrated and having my mood negatively affected. What do you do when you hear complaints?