“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.” —Tom Wilson
Life is not perfect. It never has been and never will be. This is not bad news. In fact, once we begin to embrace this reality, we welcome a great number of possibilities. Life is never perfect. We know this to be true.
Why then, do we continue to complain about its imperfections?
We complain about the weather, the traffic, and the weeds in our yard. We complain about tight clothing, misplaced keys, late airplanes, and the price of gasoline. We complain about our jobs or our lack of jobs. We complain about nosy neighbors, crying babies, ungrateful teenagers, and lazy spouses. We have become a society too quick to complain.
Complaining is almost never a positive reaction to our circumstance. (tweet that)
There are times, of course, when notifying someone of an injustice is good and proper. But most of the time, we express feelings of pain, dissatisfaction, or resentment simply because it is our natural response.
But this response ought to be reconsidered in our lives because it is rarely healthy. In fact, there are many negative outcomes to this reaction. Complaining feeds and breeds a negative response. Additionally,
- It fosters a negative attitude. Complaining draws our attention to the negative aspects and circumstance around us. And focusing on the negatives always brings about greater negativity. Complaining never results in joy—it only sinks us deeper into our misery.
- It negatively impacts those around us. Complaints spread negativity. By focusing on and drawing attention to the problems and discomforts around us, we direct other people towards it too. Misery loves company.
- It doesn’t change our circumstance. Taking action does. But complaining words by themselves do not.
- It disqualifies the value of discomfort in our lives. Discomfort—both physical and emotional—can have profound benefit for our lives. There are countless life lessons that can only be learned by embracing discomfort: patience and perseverance just to mention a few. Become OK with discomfort. You’ll be glad you did.
- It is highly unattractive. It is unenjoyable to spend time around people who constantly highlight the negatives. And not only unattractive, the self-centered emphasis of complaining can be annoying as well.
- It leaves us in victim-mode. One of the greatest obstacles to lasting change is blame. And complaining finds its foundation almost entirely in blame.
On the other hand, there are numerous benefits to complaining less. It shifts our focus to the positive. It allows gratitude to take root. And cheerfulness can be an excellent beautifier.
How then, might we begin to overcome the habit of complaining? First, admit lifestyle changes can take time. And then, consider adopting some of these helpful steps below.
How to Complain Less.
1. Consider the importance of adopting the change. Many of us complain only because we have never considered the alternative. We have never been alerted to its harmful effects—both in us and around us. We never considered there may be a better way. But when given the choice, most of us would prefer to give life rather than drain life with our words. Determine to do just that.
2. Embrace the recognition of an imperfect world. Life is not always going to serve up what we would like (or even expect) at every turn. There will be trouble, trial, and pain. Again, this is okay. And the sooner we stop holding out for a world that revolves around us, the sooner we can embrace the fact that our contribution is far more needed than our pleasure. Discomfort should not surprise us—and we are not the only ones experiencing it.
3. Understand the difference between helpful criticism and complaint. There are times when it is entirely appropriate to raise attention to a wrong being committed. This can be helpful and should never be discouraged. Decipher if the situation can and should be resolved. If not, there is a good chance our complaints have no real interest in dialogue, problem solving, or human connection. And in that case, they should be avoided.
4. Be mindful of your audience. Are you speaking to someone who can help solve the problem or has a vested interest in bringing about a resolution? If so, use problem-solving language. If not, tread lightly. If you must continue, preface your complaint with impact-reducing language. For example, beginning with “Can I just vent for a minute or two?” may be all you need to orient yourself and your listener toward your purpose and be helpful in reminding yourself to keep it brief.
5. Avoid beginning conversations with a complaint. Take notice of how often we initiate conversations with a complaint. Often times, even subconsciously, this tactic is used because it garners a heightened response. Remove it from your arsenal. And try spreading some cheer with your opening line instead.
6. Refuse to complain for the sake of validation. Sometimes our complaints are used to validate our worth to others. “I’m so busy,” is a good example. We often say it as a means to subtly communicate our importance. Don’t seek to impress others with your complaints. That strategy won’t gain you any friends in the long run anyway.
7. Notice your triggers. Is there a specific time period of the day you tend to complain more than others? Morning, evening, or late afternoon? When your spouse is home? When you are drinking coffee or lunch with your friends? Maybe it is around the water cooler with your co-workers? Take notice. Then, avoid triggers if possible. If they cannot be avoided, make a point to be extra vigilant when you see them arise.
8. Embrace the idea of experimentation. Setting a goal of “never, ever complaining again” may be counter-productive. Instead, try designating a short period of time where you can be particularly mindful. For example, decide to go just one day without complaining. This shorter time period will allow you to concentrate more fully on your goal. The shortened, experimental time frame will foster increased sensitivity.
Mindless complaining serves little purpose in our lives. It fosters displeasure, spreads negativity, and sparks conflict. We’d live happier without it. Moving forward, let’s recognize and embrace the positive instead.
Image: baronsquirrel
I wrote a post on my discontentment in caring for my home and family this past week on my blog and I know it was from a complaining spirit. This was a great reminder and one I will keep in mind, writing some of your quotes down too!
I’m so guilty of this. There is a key comment in there. If you can affect change thru awareness of the situation… and if it will benefit more than yourself… Then, in my opinion, it is worth the consideration for bringing attention to the issue. Otherwise….
I found that in my case, complaining was a symptom and not the problem.
I complained because I was UNHAPPY. I was unhappy with myself, my life, and my circumstances. Once I began to see that I had the power to change my situation, I became much more action-oriented and positive.
Oh how true : “5. Avoid beginning conversations with a complaint.” How often have I not done that – just as a conversation starter… This was a good reminder. I will sure try to think about this in the future and in stead start with a positive sentence. One of the many nice things I remember about my grandma was that whenever one of us grandkids would spill something at the table she would always smile and say “perfect – now I have a good reason to change the table cloth” She never got upset about it – and I like the attitude.
I can certainly use that one about the tablecloth, I love it!
I need to work on this. Mostly I don’t think I complain too much – but when I do my husband hears the lot – probably too much for him. Today – no complaints.
Thanks for showing me how sick and tired I am of being sick and tired of all the negativity that I’m drowning in all around me. I need to get out of the quagmire of troubles and trying to “fix” everything and everyone around me. My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in glory by Jesus Christ. I know in theory to Let Go & Let God, but have difficulty in practice. I need to daily think on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy ( Philippians 4:8 ). I need to climb out of thus downward spiral and focus on Jesus. Only then can I lead my family by example to a better way of living. Thank you again, and God bless you.
One of the things that I love about my husband is that he very rarely complains. I make it a high priority to not complain and to try to see the bright side of things. Hearing my children complain can wear down my patience quickly — and, thankfully, the Lord showed me on a particularly “whiny” day how to teach them to not complain — I said to them, “you can voice your displeasure about something once but you are not allowed to voice your displeasure over and over and over. I will acknowledge your displeasure although I will likely not change my mind about a decision. Please try to focus on all of the great things that you can be thankful and happy about instead of focusing on the one tiny thing that I said no to.” It’s a journey, for sure!
WOW! I needed to hear this today. Thank you for this GREAT idea! I will be trying this with my little ones asap!
Complaining less was my goal a few years ago when a little child said unwittingly to me – Why do you whine so? As it was coming from a little girl that whined herself quite often, I took it to mean, I was in bad company indeed. I started watching myself for any hint of outwardly complaint – I stopped complaining so much so that people actually berated me for not speaking up about certain items. I had gone then to the other extreme. I then watched myself in thought as well. I knew that even though I wouldn’t complain outwardly, I would definitely be whining mentally. Making sure I keep a balance of complaining if absolutely necessary and keeping my mind pure as well is my task nowadays. Thanks for the post! It reminded me of the beginning of my journey so long ago.
I Love this post, and your comment BrownVagabonder! I am a complainer, and know I need to be better. I have befriended a few who NEVER complain, and at first, perceived it as fear and not trusting ME (selfish to think that I know). Then I wondered if they were trying to ACT perfect, which agitated me, because that is not honest. Honesty is my biggest hang up. If I ever feel like someone is lying to me, I don’t want to be their friend. BUT with that said, I’ve come to realize that some people just want to be happy and that is their way of doing so. I, myself could teach myself a few of the tricks mentioned above! I never want to come off as fake….but I still think it’s possible to try and limit the complaining without being fake! :) Thanks for a great and insightful post!
Thanks Amber! Let’s hope both of us are able to limit our complaining without going to the other extreme of not speaking up when it is absolutely necessary. :)
This is a great post that more people should read. A year and a half ago, I made the conscious decision to eliminate the complainers from my life because I felt the behavior taking over and influencing my overall mood. I have not regretted it for a second. My stress has gone down. Negativity has become a very small part of my thought process. If something bothers me now, I ask myself, “Is there anything you can do about it right now?” If the answer is yes, then I do it. If not, I refuse to complain. This has made life so much more enjoyable!
I should probably do the same thing! It can be hard though, when the complainers are people you live/work near. It’s easy to get sucked into they’re complaining mode too, and I find that I complain more when I’m around “complainers”.
Sometimes identifying the complaining when it is happening and putting a positive spin on it can be helpful. Respond to complaining with, “wow, what are you going to do about that?” That can help jog their mind and get them out of “complain mode” and into “action mode”.
I used to work with a woman who was a chronic complainer. I tried the “What are you going to do about that?” route with her. I even tried friendly suggestions when she came up blank about how to solve her “problems”. The truth was that she didn’t want a solution. She wanted validation. As Joshua suggested in point #6, she was trying to make herself seem important. When she realized I wasn’t going to validate her complaints, guess what… She stopped complaining to me. Sadly, she then chose to complain/gossip about me to others. But at least I was able to minimize her direct influence on me by avoiding talking to her except when necessary – always keeping it friendly so as to avoid giving her something real to complain about.
We will never be able to eliminate complainers from our lives. But you can minimize their influence by how you react to them, and by how you carry yourself around them. Easier said than done some days. But worth it for your own peace of mind in the long run.
Yes, it can be very hard. I lost some long-time friends because of it and I know my disappearing act hurt them. Immature on my part but I got to the point where I had to do what was right for me. I love the “what are you going to do about it” line. I will definitely use that one with the people I can’t avoid.
Kristin: Been there too, it was a mature move, and you did it for your well being and it wasn’t easy for me either. When you reach retirement you can be picky choosing friends as you are not in a work environment, as hubby said. I worked part time but not around people in an office setting.
To solve the problem of being around gossips and losers, we chose to become semi reclusive and stick with a handful of well chosen friends. I have learned as I got older that real friends are scant, those who practice common decency, do not use you and accept you as you are, as many lack ethics and morals to incl church folks. I read, use the computer, housework, errands to run, meals to fix, etc. listen to radio and some TV movies. Husband and I choose to live a low key life; we dropped out of civic/ org activities many years back as we saw people using others, and no appreciation for things done . We quit voting, joining any org. over thirty years ago incl. church for same reasons to avoid hassles and gossips, etc.. We rarely answer the phone and screen calls. People choose this kind of life to have more free time.
It does appear to me that this extreme of pulling back might in its own way be just as harmful as the opposite. Just as there are are many draining individuals in the world, there are also many worth our time. As to quitting voting, that saddens me even more. How does one throw away one of the most basic rights with which the Constitution endowed us?
Thanks for this great post. It’s a timely reminder to examine and challenge expectations and preferences and before all else- practice kindness – not only with others but with ourselves.
Hmmm … I need to work on this.
Giving up some of my sense of entitlement to comfort, and learning to express the good things not the bad. I like to exaggerate and make my problems sound more impressive than they really are. I think this is even why we don’t have more children. When my husband came home from work each night he just heard complaints about the “nightmare hour” from 5-6pm, and didn’t ever hear much about our good times.
Thanks for the kick in the pants ..I think …
Fiona~~what a brave soul you are for reconizing how this applies to you. I can only pray that I am that insightful~~
See James chapter 1:5-8 James 1:5-8 (NKJV)
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.
6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.
7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord;
8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
This will be an answer to your prayer about becoming insightful