In college, I had dinner with a friend named Donnie. He wasn’t much older than me but was certainly more mature — although that wasn’t particularly difficult at the time :)
I looked up to him in quite a few ways. But one thing that impressed me, maybe above everything else, was his ability to engage in conversation wherever we were. It didn’t matter what room we walked into, or the people in the room, Donnie was always quick to make new friends and start new relationships.
People just seemed to like him immediately after meeting him.
So, at dinner, I asked him how he was able to do that so effortlessly.
His answer to my question changed the way I engage in conversation ever since. And even to this day, I consider it the greatest conversation advice I’ve ever received.
When I asked him how he was so good at talking to people, he said this, “Oh, it’s easy. Just ask a lot of questions. Ask about their family, their job, their hobbies, their past… anything really. People love talking about themselves.”
I immediately put this idea into practice. And found it works incredibly well—in every circumstance and interaction. Simply ask questions.
Years later, when reading the incredibly popular book by Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People, I found the advice repeated:
So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.
I still apply his advice today whenever I meet someone new or am catching up with a friend.
And I have found there is a dual benefit to the approach. Not only does asking questions result in great conversation, it benefits me as well.
First, it results in a selfless attitude.
To begin the practice of asking questions, you need to make the conversation not about you. Every time you ask a question, by definition, you are shifting the attention away from you and toward the other person.
Asking questions forces selflessness onto us.
You can’t hold a desire to draw attention to your own accomplishments or stories while genuinely inquiring about the other person’s. Rather than looking for opportunities to proclaim our own interests, the attention is focused on theirs.
Second, it helps us become better listeners.
Asking good questions requires good ears and a focused attention.
Anyone can ask questions (and that’s always a good place to start). But asking great questions will require you to be a good listener.
The more you practice this approach to conversation, the more you learn this skill.
Focused attention can lead to follow up questions. It can help you remember important details about the other person. And may even help you understand their emotions or passion related to the topic they are discussing.
Third, it results in better learning.
Everyone we meet has a backstory of experience. And the more questions we ask, the more we learn about the world. Because we learn about more than just the person, we learn about humanity.
Everyone wants a friend who cares about them (selfless), who pays attention to them (good listener), and can understand the world and their point of view (learner).
Asking questions provides that opportunity.
Even all these years later, it’s still the greatest conversation advice I’ve ever received. What about you?
Jennifer says
These comments are really helpful and beautiful. I am learning that interactions and conversations/communication are a giving and receiving. Listening is where love begins (Mr. Rogers)
Jax says
I found this article interesting however it’s been my experience when you do this you end up with one sided friendships because people are so busy talking about themselves in response to our questions they rarely bother to respond in kind. I have noticed over many years people will not ask anything about my life but will happily respond to questions about theirs and then when I have nothing left to ask they will move on to someone else to speak to.
Jai says
This is a good point and something I have also experienced. I think the best conversations are balanced and reciprocal. A good conversationalist is one who is happy to share the conversation and not dominate. Sure you answer questions if you are asked and asking is a good ice-breaker, but someone who just talks about themselves, or waits for you to stop talking so they can move onto themselves is not a good conversationalist. I also find people are pleasantly surprised when you are prepared to politely be daring and ask things they may not expect, out of interest, rather than the usual “so what do you do?”.
Susan says
This way of conversing just comes naturally to me, probably because we moved a lot when I was growing up and if I didn’t make friends quickly I wouldn’t have friends at all. But I wonder if this is more successful in our U.S. culture than in other places. I remember talking to a man from South Africa at a party once, using this, my typical conversation mode, and after about three questions he asked, “What are you, a journalist?”
KC says
I like to use monologues in my conversations. Like instead of. saying “I miss you” to my colleague , it’s going to be “so many days and nights without you (name ) a lyric I remembered. It really sounds awkward and it does let to some misunderstanding whether it was taking in a bad way….sometimes being uncomfortable speaking in public makes you feel like “should not have said so …
Captain Kirk says
Joshua…
I have enjoyed reading your
newsletter and the variety of
meaningful articles.
This article and experience reminds me of a LIFE-CHANGING conversation I had with a
coworker on the subject of
Listening.
He simply asked me a question
about the word LISTEN.
He said, take the word LISTEN. Then use the exact same letters, and rearrange them to create another word, that serves as a Meaningful reminder to improve your listening skills.
What is this meaningful word?
L I S T E N
S I L E N T
This LIFE-CHANGING experience has served to improve every relationship and conversation.
I trust that anyone who practices
this valuable lesson will discover
the power of this word!
Jennifer says
Thank you, LOVE this
Banana Anna says
I was a nail tech for 16 years. I sat with people, face-to-face less than 3 feet away. I learned how to talk to everyone in the style that each person liked. Few people ever truly reciprocated and knew how to have a conversation, even after doing there nails, and maybe feet too, for years. I think most people know how to talk AT someone but don’t know how to have a vital, active, interesting conversation. That is a significant factor of why people have few relationships with others that last over time and through good and bad seasons in life.
The problem of asking lots of questions is the person feels listened to and appreciated perhaps but he doesn’t reciprocate so when the conversation is over the person doesn’t know much about the other and so is likely to dismiss him/her.
There is a great old poem, “Conversation is but carving”. It’s worth looking up.
Jennifer says
beautiful share, thank you
Nicea Barry says
One day I was talking to a friend. She said that I always find the person at a party that doesn’t appear to know anyone and make them feel welcome. The funny thing is I never realized I did that. I married a shy guy and he hated going places we didn’t know anyone. So I think I subconsciously looked for people like him that might not be having a good time, and asked them questions! My mom told me the way to hold conversation was to ask other people questions.
Debbie says
I’ve always thought this was a good way to get to know someone (and I still do) because, for me, I find other people and their stories to be very interesting. My biggest problem was that I became self conscious about this approach because my spouse would tell me that I asked too many questions and was just being nosy (and my questions were not too personal). I would ask him “How are you going to get to know someone if you don’t ask them something about themselves”; but, I also began to notice that he was okay conversing with other people as long as he was doing all the talking and he didn’t seem particularly interested in what the other person had to say. So I guess you could say that this represents the two sides to conversation — both the positive and the negative.
Susan says
I’ve been married for nearly 38 years, and it took me a surprisingly long time to realize my husband is so egocentric in his conversations. At first, I felt sorry for him, because I felt that he tries too hard, as if it’s his job to entertain in social settings with his many stories — that I have heard a million times, of course. But then it began to dawn on me: he IS entertaining at times, but he also monopolizes the conversation, making it all about himself. I then picked up on what I realize is a very annoying, self-centered habit: he’ll appear to poke fun of himself by saying, “this is the John Doe” way of doing things” [using his real name, which of course I won’t do here.] Who does that?!
Laura says
The greatest advice I’ve received? I was at a conference and the speaker asked the audience to consider what is most important in their lives. He then said many people would rate family as one or two. He also said that you can tell what is most important by where you spend your time. I was a workaholic. This lecture changed my life. I began focusing more on my family and less on my career. I changed jobs to help me do this. Amazing how a few sentences in a conference lecture from a stranger can change your life.
Bette says
Great advice, and something I’ve practiced my entire life. But just to be clear — these are conversations, not relationships. Relationships involve a dual commitment, a back and forth, a reciprocity of shared interests and time. At 60, I find myself both a skilled conversationalist and a person who’s involved in a bunch of one-sided “relationships” because I’ve always made it about the other person.
Banana Anna says
You are 100% correct. Too few people know how to build true relationships. That includes laughing together, crying together and coming through in a crunch…..and! Actually accepting an offer for dinner and then showing up, and do this repeatedly.
Sarah says
I completely identify with you. This was my first thought reading this article… “Bsut what about ME?!?” I also find others are much more interested in themselves. And if I try to interject something about myself, they turn it back to themselves. It is exhausting and disappointing, because I feel like I am doing the right thing! I have gotten to the point of not reaching out because it always ends up all about them… very rarely do I find the exception of a back and forth conversation, and I am shocked when it happens! Call me “jaded” by now.
Dee says
I agree with all of this and enjoy the surprised look on people’s faces when you ask follow on questions (instead of jumping in to tell your own story). But I have been trapped in the “person talking AT me” for a very long time, scenario. I’m getting good at gracefully removing myself from those situations.
Sarah says
How do you do that? This happens to me all the time!!!