Note: This is a guest post from Melissa of Melissa Camara Wilkins.
“How are you?”
How many times do you hear that every week? We all know not to answer “fine.” Fine isn’t a thoughtful answer. Fine means we didn’t think about the question.
Instead we have another default answer, don’t we? We’re busy. We’re all busy. How are you? Busy.
It’s true, so many of us are busy. Even as we try to simplify our homes, our calendars have a tendency to stay packed full.
When we start eliminating the extra stuff from our houses, we find new pockets of free time—the time we would have spent taking care of all that stuff. You’d think, then, that we would have plenty of open space in our schedules.
But there are so many options competing for those extra minutes that we can keep adding to our calendars until there’s no time left. We’re busy.
Sometimes being busy feels good, and sometimes keeping busy makes us feel important. But you are valuable because of who you were made to be, not because of the activities you do. Your worth does not depend on your busyness. You can do fewer things, even if the things on your calendar are all good things.
And the things we keep busy with often are good things. There’s volunteering, there’s being a friend, there’s work. There’s regular old household chores. And if you have kids, there’s sports, scouts, classes, clubs, and lessons, enough to fill every minute of the day, and it seems like everyone else is doing them all, so it must be possible.
We stop asking each other: How are you? And we start asking: How do you do it all?
The most important way to think about that question doesn’t have anything to do with your process. The best answer to that question has to do with your purpose.
You don’t have to do it all. You can quiet your schedule. You can choose mindfully.
Focus on purpose over process.
Instead of asking: How do I do it all?
Start asking questions like: Why am I choosing this? Does this feed my family or nourish my soul? Was I made for this?
If your schedule lines up with your purpose, wonderful! Keep doing what you’re doing, and keep asking for help when you need it.
But if you weren’t made for this—whatever this is that’s filling your schedule—stop.
Let go of activities that aren’t a good fit for you or your family. Let go of activities that might be great, but are too much for this season. There will be other seasons. Let go of activities that everyone else is doing. You aren’t everyone else. You were made to be you, on purpose.
You can focus on what’s right for you. Do what fits your personality, your passions, your purpose, your values, your family. Do more of that, and less of everything else.
It’s hard to be the person you want to be if your days leave no room for contemplating who that person even is. (tweet that)
Let go, and you’ll find more space to be yourself.
A minimized schedule can have maximum impact.
When you don’t do it all:
– You need less stuff.
Every activity comes with its own clothes or shoes or tools or toys. If you eliminate the activities that aren’t best for you, you won’t need all the props to prop up a lifestyle you don’t even want.
– You relieve pressure.
With fewer activities, there’s less stress on your calendar and your budget. You have less worry about carpools, traffic, and arrival times. You relieve that feeling of living through over-full, overcomplicated days.
– You have more time for your soul to breathe.
More free time means more space for stillness and contemplation. It means more space for dreams and growth. It means more time for listening and reflecting.
When there’s open space in your calendar, there’s more room in your heart for considering your place in the world, for thinking about who you are and how you intend to live.
Kids with more free time get to practice using their imaginations, and really, so do we adults.
Enough busyness.
Live out your purpose. Live your values. You don’t have to do it all. You just have to be yourself, and do what you were made to do.
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Melissa Camara Wilkins writes a beautiful blog for unconventional souls who want to live differently, think differently, and see the world a little differently. Her book, DO YOUR THING: How to Find Time to Do What Matters, is free for you today.
Aimee @ Whispers of Worth says
Thank you for this article! It is like a heaven-sent confirmation of a presentation I am giving in a couple of days about decluttering our stuff, distractions, and schedules to make room for our highest priorities and dreams. So much of what you wrote is embedded in my talk; it helps me to breathe easier, knowing I am on the right track. Thanks again!
Yvonna Skrinnik says
I agree with this wholeheartedly, but I think it’s not really possible to do this unless you’re like… middle class or above.
For me, I’m in college taking 23 engineering credits, working part time, supporting my mom. Why? Because poverty creates necessity.
Am I busy? Yes. Do I wish every day I could slow down and do something I enjoy for once (I hate engineering, but it pays)? Of course!
I guarantee someone working at McDonald’s because they have no other skill has very little say about their work hours.
Having the time to do what you want, and having the option of ‘saying no’ to other people is a luxury and a privilege of those who are well-off enough that they won’t be homeless because of it.
Emmilia says
I notice people ask me “How are you?…. ….. Busy”. Or just plain old “Busy today?” I just say “no” and they don’t know what to say or think I am boring maybe.
Annika says
Easier said than done when the only things you do, in my case, is study and study and study at uni. Weekends I work all day. There is hardly any time left for the things I love, and none at all for the things I don’t. I know that the more I declutter hopefully the less I will spend time on household chores (which seem to arise every time i finish something else). But uni is taking up every spare minute of my days and there is unfortunately no way to cut down on that ;)
leobob says
Well said Melissa! Thich Naht Hahn teaches a “Pebble Meditation”. The last part of the four parts goers like this, “I am space and I am free.” I have been doing this twice daily. At first it had little meaning to me but now I realize how freeing space can be.
Mandla says
Great post Melissa
LadyRhinoa says
Thanks for the post Melissa. It made me stop and think for a while. I am one of those people who are always busy, busy, busy….Time to make some amendments :) Regards
Jacqueline says
I know it would be very silly not to plan, we all have to do that, but i am learning to list 3-4 things to do each day and no more, taking each day as it comes, prioritising and doing the essential and let go of the rest, not having clutter and keeping things simple really helps, i think it is a fact of life we can,t have it all, or it will have you, let go of things that weigh us down, thanks for a great post
love Jacqueline
Matt Kowalski says
Great post. I have trouble saying no often – not just to commitments, but to projects. As a result I often take on too much and get nothing actually done. Cutting down on both should help focus on what’s important.
But another dichotomy that is a bit of a tightrope is saying “no” more often to focus your time vs. saying “yes” more often to open yourself up to the possibility of new experiences. I definitely feel a bit of FOMO sometimes when saying no to things. How do you best choose which invites and events get the “no”/minimalist treatment, and which get the “yes”/”why not?”/new experiences treatment?
KT says
Oh, this is timely. I’ve just received a call for people to host Art/Craft booths and I really want to do it. My instinct is to yell yes, but after thoughtful contemplation, I don’t want to abandon the projects I’m working on right now to prepare for this. I want to finish what I’ve already started more than I want this.
With only slight wistfulness, I’m letting it slide by.
Melissa Camara Wilkins says
Ah, “after thoughtful contemplation” — I love that. That’s the hardest part for me: remembering not to leap to an answer, but to give myself time to listen first. Sometimes it really is a choice between “good” and “best” (or at least best for us, or best for now)!
KT says
It’s because of your article that I took the time to think before acting!
Thanks!