“The unexamined life is not worth living.” —Socrates
Even 10 years later, I easily consider it my worst day at work ever.
The exact day was in the middle of December and I was working at a church in Wisconsin. At some point, under my watch, a snowball fight broke out among 100 middle school students. This would be fine—and even expected in Wisconsin—except the snowball fight was taking place inside the church.
Piles of snow were being grabbed from the nearest exit, rounded into slushy, lopsided spheres, and thrown across the room toward unsuspecting students on the other side. In response, as you might guess, the snowballs were promptly thrown back at even greater speeds.
In my defense, it escalated quickly.
But my boss, who happened to wander past the room and witness the melee, didn’t seem to care. His only words displayed little understanding, “Clean this up. And stop by my office first thing in the morning.”
My heart sunk. This was not going to end well.
Fortunately, this is not a story about getting fired. And unfortunately, it is also not a story about challenging authority, sticking it to ‘the man,’ or even the rebelliousness of youth. This is a story about avoiding escape, remaining in the moment, and the painful joy of choosing to journey inward.
After cleaning up snow and water and mud off walls and carpeting, I got in my car to drive home. And suddenly remembered what would meet me when I walked in the back door: silence.
You see, back at home, I was in the middle of a 30-day No Television experiment—no entertainment from screens of any kind. No cable, no sports, no movies, no video games—not on television, computers, tablets, or phones.
And for maybe the first time in my life, I was forced to sit in silence with my own self rather than turn to entertainment as an escape from my troubles.
With no TV to turn on, I sat alone on my couch, in a dark living room, rewinding the events of the evening. I saw the look on my boss’s face peering into the room. I imagined all the possible outcomes of tomorrow’s meeting. I ran through the worst-case scenarios of what could have happened during the snowball fight. And I sat alone in the weight of the moment.
Then, I began a journey inward— an incredibly difficult journey of assessing my own heart and mind and soul in response to the evening.
Why did I allow a snowball fight to happen in the first place? Was I that desperate to be liked by middle schoolers that I would allow them to do whatever they wanted?
Why was I so afraid of tomorrow morning? Being fired was almost certainly not on the table. Was my identity so wrapped up in my reputation at work that this stain could literally paralyze me to my couch in an empty room? Does this seem healthy?
Was I so desperate for praise from others that I worried about my coworkers finding out? Was my leadership potential being questioned? Was my personal need for affirmation so significant that nothing else mattered at this moment in time?
I did not like what I saw. It was hard to be completely honest with myself in that moment. But it was important and worth ever hard-fought moment of not giving in to the urge to turn away and escape. I was intimately introduced to my ugliest motivations and fears.
It can indeed be a humbling experience to search our hearts, to be reminded of their depravity, and have our true motivations exposed to us.
I think that is why so often we choose to escape instead. We turn on the television, a video game, Facebook, or Pinterest. We turn to alcohol, tobacco, or other substances. We eat, we run, we shop, we go back to work, or we turn to unhealthy relationships.
But when we escape our present circumstance too quickly, we miss the difficult joy of looking inward. We lose opportunity to discover the motivations behind our pride, jealousy, anger, loneliness, narcissism, or selfish pursuits.
Is the discovery of these motivations all it takes to overcome them? Absolutely not. But slowing down long enough to recognize them is almost always the first step.
Image: Kyle Person
About Joshua Becker
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I have spent the last month or so reading your archives from day one to now. This is the first time I have felt compelled to respond to a post. Wonderful! I see my younger self (and the not so young as well) in this so well. Thank you for all that you have written, it is inspiring. Although I was raised in a religious home, I am not myself that religious but I believe I have a very strong spiritual personality. I appreciate the balance in your writing above all else. Thank you for your thoughtful views.
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Thank you for this post. It works. I started doing this some time ago after a particularly painful, embarrassing situation. After my usual desperate attempts to avoid responsibility, I faced and acknowledged it. Doing that has helped clarify what sort of person I really want to be and helped me to avoid making the same destructive choices. My thinking is clearer when it’s not overwhelmed with the effort to avoid exposure or embarrassment. I feel it has also helped me regain some self-respect and the respect of others. Face it, fix it and make amends if possible, and move on.
Appreciating the time and energy you put into your site and in depth information
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Wonderful article! Very well written & honest.
Richard, thanks for a wonderful reflection. I certainly have been in a very similar circumstance. Slowing down and reflecting are the key thoughts for me. In our helter, skelter, frenetic paced lives, how often do we really slooooow down? How often do we really reflect on what has just happened? If we pass (over) too quickly, we miss the opportunity of learning from our experience. And in doing so, we are bound to repeat history (ourselves). Thank you for your insight.
Its interesting that I too have only just discovered to what extent I use entertainment as a distraction, a relief from ‘life’, a diversion from problems. I appreciated your honesty. Its good to hear truth that hurts & heals at the same time. Thanks.
Thank you, Joshua! Important message, brilliantly written.
Great post – my favorite to date. You put what soooo many people are feeling into words perfectly. Pure awesome!
I thoroughly enjoyed this story, thank you so much for reminding us to not escape, but face our thoughts.
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You hit something on the spot. Our entertainment culture has caused us not to reflect on the things of this life so we just drudge on instead of getting at the root of life and problems.
A good long look in the mirror can be very, very painful but it necessary to keep in touch with who we are and who we want to be! A wonderful post!
This article couldn’t have come at a more interesting point for me. I’m in a very similar position right now and reading your words have helped me realize something critical about myself and why I’m so bothered by the current situation.
“Why was I so afraid of tomorrow morning? Being fired was almost certainly not on the table. Was my identity so wrapped up in my reputation at work that this stain could literally paralyze me to my couch in an empty room? Does this seem healthy?
Was I so desperate for praise from others that I worried about my coworkers finding out? Was my leadership potential being questioned? Was my personal need for affirmation so significant that nothing else mattered at this moment in time?”
Those two paragraphs punched me in the head when I read them. My heart stopped for a minute because yes…that’s it. And that’s what I need to spend the rest of the day thinking about. Thank you.
“And for maybe the first time in my life, I was forced to sit in silence with my own self rather than turn to entertainment as an escape from my troubles.”
Would it be inappropriate to suggest that you *chose* to sit in silence, or *forced yourself* to sit in silence? It sounds like the experiment was your own personal discipline rather than a restriction imposed from an outside source — and that choice opened the door for a great insight and subsequent growth.
And speaking of great insight — thank you. You’ve helped me to see more clearly, and to consider my own choices more wisely, and I am grateful.
I cannot agree more…people usually escape from thinking deeply about their own life because they do not like the result, if they can reach any result at all.
Great post! I feel like I’m in the recognizing part of the process of not escaping…
This must be what I need to hear because I just read a similar thing in The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown in the chapter I just read she talks about numbing and “taking the edge off” in a similar way. She talks about being addicted to numbing (or escape) …”Hi, my name is Brené, and when I feeling vulnerable and uncertain, I eat an apple fritter, smoke a cigarette, drink a beer, and spend 7 hours on facebook.”
She also says you can’t selectively numb, you numb the bad, you numb the good too… like the title of your post…
Agree with Lindsay! Best article by far. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for the transparency. Made me realize how guilty I am of filling the quiet time with technology “noise” instead of reflecting and stopping to listen to what God would have me hear.
I’ve been practicing mindfulness this last week,after getting out of the habit. I’ve hit a bit of a “wall” in life and am being intentional about pressing into it and seeing what God is teaching me rather than just avoiding it and self medicating with entertainment. Thanks for sharing the truth!
Love, love, love this. One of my New Year’s resolutions was to be more present in my life….live life with less distraction. This has included deactivating my facebook account and daily meditation. It is definitely not easy at times but so worth it.
i can’t get over how, as i keep clearing out the clutter, i have room to think.
& reflect.
& dig up the unresolved, or rather, it floats easily to the surface.
& then, because i have more time:energy:thought, i can see it:deal with it:move on from it.
i’m growing like never before.
which all started with a donation box to goodwill.
who knew?
New reader: GREAT article. You summed up beautifully (and succinctly) what I’ve been learning for the last six months (years, whatever – huge smile). Thanks!
Ditto! Absolutely, your best writing. Perhaps because of your honesty and a very pivotal moment of your journey. I think in the aloneness we get a lot of our most important messages. Thank you, once again, for your inspiration. I’ve been on my journey since we had babies 18 years ago…(my mile marker)…and I’m still learning more everyday. I think the good news is the lessons never stop and the bad news is the lessons never stop….and really, none of it is bad once we’ve gotten the message!
Thankfully, my simplicity journey began with babies too….but the letting go of stuff lesson never fully got through until I heard you on a podcast. That Memorial Day moment you shared clunked me on the head and I got it! Like never before. I’ve been on a mission ever since. It’s been 6 months and we see a huge difference….little by little. AND I’m documenting it so we will truly see the physical changes. The mental clutter & emotional clutter are clearing too. THANK YOU JOSHUA BECKER!!! Liz Neighbors
I’d like to echo the comments of others: as a longtime reader, I think this may be one of your best posts yet – at least, it resonated with me the most.
As someone who – way more often than not – historically chose unhealthy behaviors to deal with or mask my own difficulties, I eventually found the path of looking inward.
Self-realization itself can be painful to explore, but I think it’s necessary to discover our deep-seated beliefs for why we do the things that we do.
Being honest with ourselves about our fear, anger, resentment, control, shame or guilt can help shed light on our sometimes illogical thoughts and behaviors and allow us the opportunity to grow, change, and find happiness. It worked for me!
This is such a moving story, Joshua! I’m so inspired you had the courage to look inside. I agree, recognizing our pain our confused motivations is the place to start. We’re not alone. Most of this tick this way. So we don’t have to be hard on ourselves, we’ can just begin to move toward change.
Very much liked this article. I am reminded of the days when my children got too caught up, escaping into the TV or losing connection with each other and started fighting. The TV miraculously “broke” for a week or two, and I told my children that I didn’t have the money to fix it (totally believable story at the time.) Funny how, given the right atmosphere, attention and intention, everything tends to “iron itself out.”
We have periods of time where our children are not allowed media (at all) and it is hard the first day, but by the end of the week–they aren’t quarreling but are cooperating…the TV needs to die (for the most part), but we are a house slightly divided on this issue. I agree kids escape just as adults…how sad:(
Once again I am odd woman out. I wonder if I am perhaps one of your older readers. The over examined life is a curse. My life story is one of self-condemnation for mistakes of much less consequence than a snowball fight; and I have always wished I could escape with mere alcohol or television or a bad relationship, but alas, none of these hold any attraction for me. I have never been able to escape — my sin is rather, not trusting in God’s love and forgiveness! Exaggerating every single criticism, especially those unearned — earned criticism, constructive criticism is a lark!
Excelelnt article.
Though not your main point … the world would be a different place if more people had periods of fasting from tv.
Wow! It must have been difficult to stay in the moment with all those thoughts and feelings when you got home. Thanks for sharing this experience.
excellent article.
please don’t tell us what happened the next morning. let us stay in the moment, reflecting, not following a story.
thanks.
Adding my “me, too!” – to your experience of not escaping and to those who consider this your best post yet.
I also thoroughly enjoyed this story, but simply must hear what happened at the meeting with your boss!
Thanks for asking. My boss, Tom, was far more gracious and understanding than he needed to be.
Great article. Perfect timing for my life.
thank you, thank you, thank you
So, very good. Thank you for sharing this story! I will be meditating on this today and I hope you’ll leave the mystery… and not provide us an “end” to escape into. :)
I can feel the pain of sitting in the dark thinking through your thoughts and motivations. I’ve confronted my ego and my heart and still too often turn away to escapes. Your post reminded me to stick with it and delve into the deep of ourselves to learn. I was left wondering what you did when you realized you did not like what you saw. Then what?
Thanks for sharing this!
When I was teaching high school I once had an almost identical experience. I knew I couldn’t bear the thinking and worrying all weekend, so I “forced” my way in to the prinicipal’s office to find out what he wanted to say to me. But instead of accusing me of not controlling my drama class better, as I had expected, he wanted to talk to me about buying a piano for the school! Phew! However, I realise that’s not the point of your post, and I’m all too aware of the number of times I escape, usually to the Internet, rather than face my problems and think deeply about myself and my relationships. I once heard that to amuse oneself literally means “not to think” and that’s what I do often, go from one distraction to the next. Lately I’ve been forcing myself instead to sit silently in spare moments and think about what I’ve been reading or learning lately. All those spare minutes add up and make a difference! Thanks for your thoughts about this.
Thanks for the post, Joshua. I recently noticed how much time I’ve been wasting on Facebook as an escape that I could be spending thinking, talking with friends, and reading. This realization has inspired me to fast from Facebook for February, and so far it has been great.
I agree it is a wonderful post, I, in fact have been trying to live in the moment rather than think about the past or the future to much…. however, your story was so intriguing you must tell us what happen the next day!
I am so glad I found your blog. I so enjoyed this article. I am also curious what happened the following morning?
I agree with Lindsay Hands-down the best article I have read here, and I’ve read a lot really good stuff :) I’m also super curious as to what happened next!
This is so true! And I know first hand how tough it can be to be on a church staff and the expectations involved. It’s tough and certainly a challenge in humility.
I’m curious of what happened at the meeting but find the intrigue of not knowing even more interesting. It wasn’t about what happened the next day…but what happened in yourself that day. Good stuff!
I know it’s not the point of your post, but I have to ask… so what happened next? What did your boss say or do the following morning?
Thanks for asking. My boss, Tom, was far more gracious and understanding than he needed to be.
Long time reader, first time commenter.
The best article you’ve ever written
I agree, Lindsay, best article he’s ever written thus far. I identified, I cried, I”m inspired.