I once read a quote that said, “Do not judge by appearances; a rich heart may be under a poor coat.” And I can’t emphasize it enough.
We are a society quick to judge the success of others based on external appearances. But I can’t think of a more foolish metric to utilize.
Some psychologists argue this is natural for humans. “Our unconscious mind starts from whatever objective data is available to us—usually spotty—and helps to shape and construct the more complete picture we consciously perceive.”
I suppose this makes sense to me. But here’s the problem:
We’re terrible at it! Like really, really bad.
In fact, in one study, scientists asked students at a Chinese university to look at selfies and evaluate the personalities of the people pictured in five key personality characteristics. The students were wrong 80% of the time!
80% of the time they were unable to determine the personality or character of a person based solely on appearance.
And yet, we continue to do it—over and over again. Often tricking ourselves into thinking we do it well.
But the proverb stands true, “Do not judge by appearances; a rich heart may be under a poor coat.”
When we hear it, we know it is true. Judging a person based on external appearances is a foolish metric and we all know it.
For one reason, external appearances are easy to manipulate.
Symbols of success can be easily acquired by those who are not successful. Meanwhile, many successful people choose not to display their success with external symbols.
Do you know how easy it is to purchase a flashy car on credit? Or how quickly you can get ahead financially by simply buying a reasonable one? Night and day.
But this isn’t a post about financial success. This is about choosing to not judge others by external appearance.
I have a good friend who lives on the other side of the country. Years ago, when a special needs newborn was abandoned at their local hospital, she and her husband offered to raise the child as their own.
Their new daughter would require almost 24 hour attention for the rest of her life, and yet, they chose to adopt her and bring her into their family.
Decades later now, my friend is not going to turn any heads when she walks into a room.
She doesn’t pull into a parking lot driving an expensive vehicle. She doesn’t wear the latest styles or expensive jewelry. The emotional and physical toll of raising her daughter 24 hours/day for the last 20 years shows on her face and physical appearance as you might imagine it would.
From all outward appearances, there is nothing that would impress you about her.
But on the inside, she may be the strongest, sweetest, kindest, most compassionate human being I’ve ever met. She is wiser than most anyone else in the room. And her heart is beautiful.
That’s the thing about judging by external appearances.
Most people trying to impress you with them aren’t worth emulating.
And those living the most meaningful lives have long since given up trying to impress you with a fancy coat.
About Joshua Becker
Great quote, it reminded me of what the Lord said in, 1 Samuel 16:7: The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
Agree! I try and teach this to my teenagers. They tend to be enamored by fancy cars, clothes, homes… etc. and say they must have a lot of money! I always say nope! All you know is they have that “stuff” they may be living pay check to paycheck and totally stressed out all the time! We live a modest life and have the peace of mind we will be able to retire early and have what we need❤️
What a beautifully written article Joshua! I just love how you so powerfully reminded us of what’s important and what’s not and shared such a powerful experience of your dear friend. There are many angels under plain coats, aren’t there!
This is why I have dogs…
When I had a career in sales “don’t judge a person by their looks/clothes/etc” was drummed into our heads. It was called the “Beverly Hillbillies Philosophy”. Old Jed Clampitt didn’t look like much on the outside but his kind heart and very fat bank account contradicted his rough exterior!
Thank you Joshua, something I needed to hear.
after ten years of hands on caregiving my beloved parents with multiple complex health issues… well this just brought me to tears. i remember getting away for an afternoon to walk thru my town’s art and wine festival. i overheard someone clearly talking about me from
behind. it was two women i’d previously worked with. they didn’t know i heard them but it broke me. instead of saying hello, they were opining about how i looked like i’d gone downhill. i wasn’t zushed up in nail paint, floppy sun hats, full makeup and in pretty dresses like they were, but i certainly didn’t look like i was gutter bound. these are people i‘d had a great working relationships with. i know i shouldn’t have cared but my overwhelmed 24/7 caregiver self was crushed. other women are the light of my life, but we women can also be the cruelest beings i know. i’ll never understand meanness. i’m no saint, but i would NEVER pretend not to see a person even if i thought they appeared to me to be ‘down on their luck’. hell, i’d still be kind even if said person appeared gutter bound. humans deserve respect and kindness regardless of their circumstances.
She is more righteous than I am,,
This is simple living, empathy given to raise but single soul from destruction. It won’t be forgotten forever…
So sorry that happened to you you,Sheila. Those ladies were acting like cruel/immature school kids. Don’t let that incident weigh too heavily on your heart. It speaks volumes to their characters. God was walking by your side… the two sets of footprints.
This was so powerful and so correct.
I feel your pain. Sometimes women are so quick to kick other women to the curb. As my mother would say these are not the people you want in your life. True but it still hurts.
I like your blog. I am a minimalist but surrounded by different people who buy stuff and don’t care to throw them away. Even the good will places where they collect donated items are filled up and are not able to sort them out; are overflowing..
I heard all the clothes that are not being sold are taken to far away like garbage and disposed of like garbage.
These clothes are not good for other countries as the countries grow cotton and make their own clothes which is their lively hood and that would be stopped if they take these donated clothes.
So my friends don’t think all your donated clothes are being used by some poor or unfortunate people and think u are doing a favor by donating to goodwill. well it is better to donate instead of putting in the garbage by you; instead let the people in
good will decide what to do with them.
Its better to be a minimalist and buy less.
Thank you for these words. As you said, it is something we all know but it is so easily forgotten.
I particularly resonated with the part about external experiences being a foolish metric as they are so easily manipulated. I think in our virtual world of influencers and networking, that is, even more, the case. Authenticity will become harder and harder to encounter if we aren’t more careful.
I am one of those rich hearts under a poor coat..
It is not always easy,and more often than not,people treat me as my coat would suggest.
I am single and live alone..after over a decade in a very bad marriage. I have a good job,and don’t generally worry about money. But..I grew up modestly and I have never been a flashy dresser,or tried to impress strictly on appearance..
I have recently discovered Minimalism thanks to this great page..thing is,I’ve been a minimalist my whole life without calling it that. I prefer it that way..and never really cared how others viewed me.
In today’s world..things are different.
People are far more judgemental…but it hasn’t changed my outlook.
Unfortunately..the younger generations are not being taught the same values of 40-50yrs ago. Where you judge by character..not clothes.
I was raised to treat the janitor with the same respect as the CEO…but kids nowadays are not.
To wrap this up..I wanna say thanks to this page for inspiration and ideas to make my life even better.
I will not change..regardless of social norms. However, the world is a much more judgemental and cold to those not choosing to show the trappings of success..
Beautiful
It was unnecessary and unkind to denigrate this woman’s physical appearance by stating that she “wouldn’t turn heads” when walking into a room. While I agree with the overall sentiment of the essay, I believe you could have made your point without pointing out that the woman is not physically attractive to you.
Unless the story is fictional to prove a point, that could hurt that lady’s feelings. I know the point is that her appearance does not matter, but women want to feel beautiful. God created men and women and individuals so differently, It may not be a risk worth taking to offer up that little remark if your friend might read this. That would devastate me.
Guilty!
I do this all the time!
What a great eye opener!
Thank you!
Excellent!
Although I generally agree with this post, and embrace the minimalist lifestyle myself, I take a little exception here. We should not judge on appearances, nor be judgmental of others, period. Our culture needs to move beyond consumerism and greed. That said, appreciating beauty and creativity, as well as “taking care” are important. These concepts are a positive part of being human. It need not be costly (in money or time) or done with impressing others in mind. So, I have no problem with a person keeping themselves, living space, etc. “looking good.” It is not necessarily “shallow,” and can be a sign of self-respect, responsibility and a positive attitude.
So true and I remind myself daily of this. We miss out on so much that so many offer by judging in haste.
This is really excellent. Thank you so much. I think the pendulum is about to shift… character and integrity are going to become more and more sought after in the days to come. We are all realizing that the external isn’t as important as we once thought.
Great post! a good reminder about how too quickly we categorize people at warpspeed, when we should really look at others as deep as a river and not as thin as a mirror ;)
Jolie perspective!
I don’t notice a car, or fancy coat. As far as the big houses, I say to myself better them than me.
That’s funny.
Very beautiful and inspiring post.
Excellent commentary. So true!
Great post! This is something we all need to be reminded of from time to time from both the perspective of judging and being judged.
This is such a beautiful post Joshua. I feel blessed to receive these posts in my inbox every week. You are a gifted writer. Thank you for the important lessons that you so eloquently bring to our consciousness.
Read these posts regularly , this is my favorite ! I think about this often and I am guilty of being impressed by outward appearances and disappointed once you look at them closely. Often the quiet one in the corner has the best story and the biggest heart .
Oh I love this.
This isn’t relevant in the same way, I’d like to tell you anyway.
A few years ago I was at a toddlers group with my daughter and her little ones.
She went every week, I went only occasionally as we live a long way from her.
One day she said, Mum, can you pick out the two Christians who are here apart from me.
I looked around the room for a couple of minutes and said that lady and that one.
Daughter was delighted that I had indeed picked out the two ladies she knew had a faith.
It must have shone out to me as I didn’t know anything about anyone in that room.
Going back to your post though, yes we must look beyond outward appearances because they can deceive us.
This is beautiful. And how it should be… our faith needs to be demonstrated and obvious in how we love those around us.
So glad you weren’t deceived by the shining appearances of the two other ” Christians ” you identified at toddler group.
Even professional providers of service pre-judge…When I have a first-time visit with a doctor or financial advisor or practitioner of any kind I “dress up”.
At the minimum a sport coat, but usually coat and tie.
Reason…you get more respect and more time with them, along with more attention.
Sad to say, but it is very true…there have been studies on this phenomenon.
I agree! In our culture it shows respect for the other person.
Beautiful reminder of being willing to look beneath the superficial which often keeps us from enriching our lives with relationships rather than things! There is where the priceless, most valuable treasures are found! 💞
Amen, brother. Beautiful post.
This is so true. My husband is a youth pastor who loves to lift weights. He decided to grow a beard a couple of years ago and that combined with his modern hair (long on top w/ shaved sides) made him look like a viking. The small-town Texas youth group loved it so he kept it. We never thought much about it until we went to Iowa August 2020 to take our oldest college. We hoped over to Illinois and he received more terrified and hateful looks than we had ever seen before, including one little old lady who was scared to death of him in Walmart. (His blue shirt made him look like an employee until he turned around) It was quickly smoothed over by his big smile and kind/happy voice, but the moment gave him material for several lessons upon returning home.
Beautiful post- very meaningful to me! There is way too much emphasis on the external in our culture. Thank you for a reminder that true beauty is on the inside!