“Owning less is far more beneficial than organizing more.” – Twitter / Facebook
We are a culture drowning in our possessions. We take in more and more (holiday, birthdays, sales, needs), but rarely find opportunity to discard of it. As a result, our homes fill up with more and more stuff. And because we believe the best solution is to find organizational tools to manage all of it, we seek out bigger containers or more efficient organizational tips and tricks. But simply organizing our stuff (without removing it) is always only a temporary solution. By definition, organizing possessions is an action that must be repeated over and over and over again.
At its heart, organizing is simply rearranging. And though we may find storage solutions today, we are quickly forced to find new ones as early as tomorrow. Additionally, organizing our stuff (without removing it) has some other major shortcomings that are rarely considered:
- It doesn’t benefit anyone else. The possessions we rarely use sit on shelves in our basements, attics, and garages… even while some of our closest friends desperately need them.
- It doesn’t solve our debt problems. It never addresses the underlying issue that we just buy too much stuff. In fact, many times, the act of rearranging our stuff even costs us more as we purchase containers, storage units, or larger homes to house it.
- It doesn’t turn back our desire for more. The simple act of organizing our things into boxes, plastic bins, or extra closets doesn’t turn back our desire to purchase more things. The culture-driven inclination to find happiness in our possessions is rarely thwarted in any way through the process.
- It doesn’t force us to evaluate our lives. While rearranging our stuff may cause us to look at each of our possessions, it does not force us to evaluate them—especially if we are just putting them in boxes and closing the lids. On the other hand, removing possessions from our home forces questions of passion, values, and what’s truly most important to us.
- It accomplishes little in paving the way for other changes. Organizing may provide a temporary lift to our attitude. It clears a room and subsequently clears our mind, but rarely paves the way for healthy, major lifestyle changes. Our house is too small, our income is too little, and we still can’t find enough time in the day. We may have rearranged our stuff… but not our lives.
On the other hand, the act of removing possessions from our home accomplishes many of those purposes. It is not a temporary solution that must be repeated. It is an action of permanence—once an item has been removed, it is removed completely. Whether we re-sell our possessions, donate them to charity, or give them to a friend, they are immediately put to use by those who need them.
Removing possessions begins to turn back our desire for more as we find freedom, happiness, and abundance in owning less. And removing ourselves from the all-consuming desire to own more creates opportunity for significant life change to take place.
As you seek to get your home (and life) organized, challenge yourself to remove the unneeded things in your home. Rid yourself of the extra weight in a permanent manner. Carry a trash bag from room-to-room. See how big of a donation pile you can make. Or help eliminate debt by selling them. It doesn’t matter so much how you remove them, as long as you do. For it is far better to de-own than declutter.
I really like and am happy that I found this blog. As a grown child of a hoarder (due to the Depression era as well as actual depression from tragedy), I am desperately trying to get out from the mountain of stuff I have been left with because of my Mom’s illness and previous inability to get rid of ANYTHING.
I realize how much of my childhood was robbed because I could never have friends over because of all the junk. I developed a lot of anger and anxiety and depression in my own life over this and other things and became resentful that my Mom would not accept help when she was well. Now that she is ill and completely unable to do anything for herself, I am the one that is largely responsible for dealing with the HUGE amount of mess, clutter, junk, garbage, mis-managed finances, lost treasures and photos, and another person’s lifetime of everything. My family is all far away.
I feel mixed emotions. I feel oddly happy that I can finally get rid of the junk, but utterly sad that I am stuck with this and frustrated at how much time, space and energy it all consumes. There have been some extremely valuable finds in and amongst the oddest collection of papers, wrappers, newspapers, tissues, and rubber bands, bottle caps and other junk that belongs in the dump! This has been a process that has taken me YEARS to even get to this point! (I have had several surgeries and could not work, etc.)
When I did try to hire a “professional organizer,” to help once, I wound up spending over a thousand dollars to be bullied into a one-day process with two people and essentially being forced to make instant decisions with every item I touched or looked at! It was not at all realistic and I though I would have a nervous break-down over it. I was not allowed to even figure out what half the stuff was or came from, or if anyone in our family may want the photos or item, etc.
On the other hand, I have been absolutely paralyzed by inertia and being unable to start to declutter or get rid of things. I have struggled all my life with depression and feel happiest when my home is spotless and there is no clutter around. I like nice things, but prefer quality over quantity.
This blog has been the most realistic at helping me find a balance for how to be rid of the stuff once and for all. It is also one of the most supportive blogs.
I did not ask to be the child of a hoarder and I do not want my life to continue to be overwhelmed with stuff. I also am trying to help my husband by encouraging him to give precious items to his side of the family now while he is still alive. I told him that there is NO way I am going to be going through his stuff and trying to figure out what goes to which person, etc. I told him that whatever is left after he dies (if he dies before me) is going to charity if it is still useable and that I will keep and treasure a few select items. The rest? Too bad for his relatives. There is no way I am going to go through this insanity once again.
I have done all sorts of grieving about the lost time I missed and all the opportunities and wasted money, etc., and am trying to learn to forgive my Mom and be patient and kind and gentle with the process. It is one of the hardest things that I have had to do. I will say that for the most part? I really don’t care what kind of stuff my Mom had–the majority of it that remains useful is not part of my immediate memories and does not have the same value to me. There are many photos of her younger days when I don’t even know the people in them and sadly, my Mom can no longer tell me who they are. I can’t keep all of them, so I just keep a few really good ones of her alone and ditch the ones with unknown people in them.
One of the best ways that I have found to sort stuff is to get a timer and set it for 15 minutes. I pick a room or an area and I have my garbage can, paper recycling bag, keep box, and my donate box and my “not sure what this is box-which usually has to do with some sort of legal paper.” I then just work until the timer goes and take it from there. If I am feeling energized? I re-set the timer and keep going. But some days? All I can handle is 15 minutes in that one room or spot, or in total! Some of the stuff I have found has been filled with emotions and skeletons in the closet that I never knew where there, sigh. It’s hard.
Thank-you for the blog, Joshua. Please say a prayer for me, as I will for you.
Teresa, I hear you and I will pray for you. I can relate all too well to your story. Hang in there. Keep going. It will get easier. I read strength and beauty in your journey.
Blessings.
Naomi
Hang in there, Teresa; it gets better. You’re stronger than you know, and you can get through this.
Teresa,
I have a similar story to yours; my mother was a pack rat, not to the extent of hoarding, but she certainly kept lots of stuff. When she became ill, I had to move in with her and begin the task of eliminating things that she had collected over the years. I have fought the pack rat tendency all my life, and I refer to it as a “work in process”. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get things done right away. By making a little progress at a time, it will provide positive reinforcement so that you will look forward to continuing. Each time I eliminated things from an area of the house, I would take before and after pictures, just so that I could savor my accomplishments. I know it sounds childish, but I love seeing the results of my work, regardless of how minor they may be. I keep a perpetual “to do” list, and I really enjoy crossing items off of it, just to see what I’ve accomplished. Best of luck on your journey, I know you can do it; remember to give yourself credit for what you’ve accomplished each and every day, no matter how small the task may be.
You’re taking the right approach, a little at a time. As you continue to make progress you will feel the weight lifting off of you! I will pray for you as you sort through the past and the emotions.
Teresa,
I am a Professional Organizer and I just emptied my hoarder mother’s home last April to July. I have felt the exact same emotions you are feeling. My siblings are all out of state so when we moved our mother closer to me they left and I took on the task of packing and storing her things. I started organizing them and realized I didn’t have the time, strength or emotional stability left so I just started filling boxes. Everything is random. I threw away totally destroyed items that filled a dumpster. I locked the storage unit and when my mother passes my siblings will come home and we will go through it. Hang in there. Seems like we are in the same boat!
I am grateful that I do not have this sickness and that my business came about because of her illness! I feel so sad for my mother and I also grieve the loss of everything because of it. I have anger as well but then I realize her sickness.
Sending prayers to you!
Sue
You are so brave and strong to do this. I also grew up in a hoarded home and promised myself I would never live like this in my own life. When my Mom got ill we cleaned the house and it was exhausting. It took months to do and I lived 8 hours away so went there every month to help out clearing. It will get better and one day it will all be done. Sending you prayers and blessings.
Teresa,
Your story resonates with me to the point that it’s eerie. My mother has been a hoarder since my dad died when I was a child. Like yours my mom has severe depression and has PTSD from childhood trauma. Due to my mother’s hoarding we didn’t have anyone over and developed “doorbell dread” because of it. (look it up….it’s common with children of hoarders) My childhood was robbed as well and I too suffer from depression and severe anxiety.
Any kind of clutter, pile, knickknacks induces anxiety which is why minimalism is very appealing to me. Because I am related to a hoarder I understand the need to keep things “just in case” which is such a struggle; especially sentimental stuff.
I truly understand where you’re coming from Teresa. My mom is alive and the thought of going through that house fills me and my siblings with intense dread. My dream is to take a wrecking ball to it and be done with it but there are family mementos deep in that house.
Like you I also developed anger and resentment towards my mother. She also refused to seek help while we were young children. Decades later we are still suffering the effects of a mother with severe depression and hoarding.
I just want you to know that you are not alone. It’s one of those family secrets that has severe psychological ramifications that only professional help can fix.
Take care,
T
I am living this same life with my mother. Still letting go of anger, resentment and sadness over the life we could’ve had if all the “stuff” hadn’t been in the way. It is hard to be the child of a hoarder. My prayers go out to you.
Bless your heart. You have a huge amount of work to do, but I feel confident you can manage to get through the stuff your mother has. You write like a realistic lady who has a goal and is striving to achieve it. Good luck and many prayers for your success.
I can’t begin to tell you how much I needed to hear your story. I am spending the night out of town as we speak because I am sick of fighting with my mother about her hoard, and being in a depressing environment in general. I also moved in with her because she is seriously ill, and she is fighting me every step of the way in my efforts to get her affairs organized before she passes away. I even told her, enjoy it now while you can, because I’m getting rid of all of it when you die. That still doesn’t phase her. Sometimes I feel guilty for getting on her case, but I’m just trying to uphold a basic standard of living that she taught me (before depression took hold and the hoarding got out of control). Sending good vibes your way, and that everyone struggling with ailing parents can get through this.
Sounds like you can afford a little less buying but could afford to direct that money to something more important. Pay a housekeeper once a week. I have a housekeeper that comes and cleans once a week at my house. The day before she arrives AND the same day she leaves, I toss out magazines, papers and put together a small box of things to donate and stick it in my car that same day to drop it off. Sometimes she’ll agree to drop off my donations, and if she keeps a few things, it’s ok. Little by little things get better. Great weekly reminder and the housekeeper is my reward!
OMG! I so feel you , you are very very brave … i wish my family would start decluttering ..it pains me to see them like this… my grandma has so much stuff…and now my parents are having a tough time getting rid of it…there is so much stuff… and if i try to help them ..they get so angry..i just wish they would magically get rid of all that STUFF.
I am now beginning the process of decluttering. I have held on to stuff my whole life. I don’t know why. I am thinking now it is bc of some type of verbal abuse due to my father. He was always putting me down and making me feel.lesd than. He was also physically abusive but never molested..he was and still is a very arrogant man. I recently had to relocate with all 400 boxes..my brother paid 25000.00 in moving fees..and all.l hear him saying is how f….in crazy and sick l.am. and how he can’t deal. I am a 50 yrs.old old woman who has an 12 yr old daughter..single mom
I am struggling
And starting over with nothing. I feel like such a failure. But his verbal abuse brings me back to my dad and sets me back. I cannot change the past. He will be paying my rent for a yr. But l have to get a very small apt and get rid of almost everything. He won’t allow me to sell anything. He wants it all out asap..l am so depressed .l know l caused him financial burdens and l am truly sorry..he does this understand at all..I want my stuff gone.
Oh, Liss, I hurt for you. I can’t help, really, because I’m in a similar situation and am anxious and panicky about it, and very depressed – I feel it in your message, too. But I can talk with you and give you emotional support, and maybe, as I seek and find any kind of thing that works for me, I can share with you, too. Maybe we can boost each other when possible.
Would you be interested in this? Having a support buddy would really be beneficial to us both, I think.
I would be! My name is Keli.I just found this si while taking a break from decluttering. Here is my email address. [email protected]
I understand completely. I have struggled for years but have started with a different approach. I now have small 9L plastic storage boxes with lids. My approach is to put in the things I want to keep and then put them in the wardrobe or particular place I need them. I also have put together 1 box of stuff for the car that 1 need: fold-up umbrella, small towel, spare pair of shoes, wipes, bottle of water, torch, first aid kit, small sewing kit, scissors, sticky tape, black biro, stapler, paperclips etc. I am hoping to sell some more things I don’t need online. Each day I am tackling one area. Reorganising stuff. Putting aside things I bought as Christmas and Birthday presents. Having a reason for doing it is making me do it.
Hi Teresa my name is Maria and I am the child of a hoarder and sexually abused victim I also have PTSD. I want to suggest to everyone that’s trying to declutter this book that I have been using to declutter my own home. The book is by a professional declutter person and it’s cold ” spark Joy”. There’s another book that was the first one I used and it’s called The Joy of tidying up. Look it up on YouTube and you’ll see the way that this woman suggest how to declutter your Mom’s home. I hope this helps you. It helped me a lot. If you find that you’re overwhelmed these books will come in handy. if you have a Kindle or Kindle Fire by Amazon you can order the book so it just downloads and is electronic file so you don’t end up adding to the Clutter. I hope you find the strength to get through this difficult time. God bless
Teresa, I am responding to your January 21, 2016 post. I want to share a bit of insight that has helped me. I read somewhere that we only have so many ‘decision points’ that we can make in a day before we feel mentally exhausted. The trick is to make a decision once and stick to that decision, eliminating the need to use up further ‘decision points’. A simple example might be to save the first 5 working pens, then discard without exception, all pens you find from that point forward. This concept really hit home with me because I could not understand why I could work all day doing physical work and still feel mentally strong, yet an hour or two worth of sorting through paperwork would drain me to exhaustion. I was using up my days allotment of ‘decision points’ too quickly! I think sorting photos might be very similar that way. Try quick sorting based on who or what is in the photo using one or two decision points only. The photos that don’t make the cut go into a box. Pass the box on to another family member and ask them to take a look. If they recognize anything in the photos ask them to write something on the back. Pass the box around to others and when you finally get it back go through it one final time. Keep what makes sense and throw the rest away. Hope this helps in some small way!
I’m going to try your 15 minute timer technique. That makes a lot of sense to me. I also read another technique. Take a picture of your special item, then get rid of it. You always have the picture to help with your attached memory of it.
Teresa I feel your pain in your writing but I also feel your strength. My prayers go out to you.
Blesssings Jilly
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Getting rid of old stuff is one of the hardest things to do, things have memories and bring joy to us. I feel that if an items brings you joy, keep it. If not, get rid of it. Every item we own should serve a purpose. If something doesn’t serve a purpose or bring you joy, you don’t need it. It’s surprising how we can live without a majority of the things that we already have.
[email protected]
Enjoyed this. Thank you. I have bought and kept so many things that never really made the difference I was seeking! Now I am happier I do things rather than buy things. I do love to “organise” but realise having less is the key.
I will be having another bonfire soon. I will burn many workbooks from a bible study class, afghans my grandmother made but are worn out or were made during her dementia years, all my yearbooks but my senior year. I feel this is a respectable way to discard items that I don’t want others to obtain. It’s also very cleansing for the soul.
The afghans could be given to pet shelters and you could have made some cash selling your yearbooks.
Sometimes even selling things is too much time and effort for very little money. If something is of value, then selling might be worth the time.
I agree with the pet shelter or put it in a clothing bin.
Very helpful insight. I do not want our children to be overwhelmed with our stuff/junk! It does feel good to donate to charity or give some old family keepsake to a family member or a friend. Things are not people. People are our most important treasures, even though most of us are cracked pots.
before you off load your junk… Ask your family what of that junk they may want. It could be a memory for them. then my all means off load away.
Totally agree. There is stuff I wish I had that belonged to my grandmother that she kept for her boys. I would want just my Dads. just 3 things. Her scrapbook, she had a wooden santa for each of her boys and a little glass coal bucket that held candy that santa brought for each of her boys.
My husband and I have reached a point in our lives where we understand the futility of owning stuff, stuff and more stuff. Ditto for food. We have had a life of eating all the food we could want and owning more stuff than we could posssibly need. We have sold and given away most pf what we own and have adopted a mich lighter and simpler diet.
We are both happier and healthier for it! This blog has been very helpful! i used to hoard everything in younger days raising kids. No more! Now I don’t want to own anything I can’t walk away from, should the urge to roam hit me.
My stepmother just emailed me this article tonight (and another from your blog). I have just been through the move from Hell! I THOUGHT I had given away a huge amount before this move (I sold my townhouse and moved into a rented apartment – second floor of the landlord’s house). But I still needed to hire movers, who I swear work for the Mafia (!) and charged 3 times what the move should have cost. And I had no choice, because I am a partially disabled woman with a lot of nice furniture, many pieces of art and pottery shipped home from my time in Japan, and many other things I could not possibly have moved by myself. And now I discover that the new flat is a LOT smaller than I had thought it was, and I will have to sell most of the furniture online for a pittance anyway, after paying to move it. And, I will have to go through the whole process when my lease expires in August, because my new landlord is an irresponsible child who refuses to (for example) fix the non funcitonal (only) toilet and sink or shovel the snow that is forcing me to pay for a hotel as I cannot get my car onto the property through the 5-foot snow bank blocking the drive, because he is too busy with school. So, why didn’t I just get a proper apartment with a ‘real’ landlord in the first place? Why, because the ‘real’ apartments in Guelph are mostly designed for students and the rooms are too tiny to fit all my stuff! So it has finally hit me, to just what extent my life is controlled by the things I possess. And I own a great deal less than almost every Canadian of my age and education level! But this harrowing, nightmare experience has finally made me determined that I will never again own anything that will force me to submit to a predatory moving company in order to change homes! I did not get ‘nice’ furniture until I was in my 50’s, and I love my Japanese lacquered cabinets and Chinese inlay bedroom suite. But NOTHING is worth what I have just been through! Certainly not pretty furniture! By the time I move yet again this summer, I intend to have gotten rid of everything I cannot move by myself with a rented van!
Good for you! I had a similar experience when my landlord decided to sell a large condo I was renting. But I still have too much stuff. It frightens me that I cannot manage it myself if I were to move, but the sentimental attachments are strong
Declutter means “to remove unnecessary items from (an untidy or overcrowded place).” You are wrong to imply that declutter has the same meaning as organize. Therefore, an additional term is not required!
Grammatically, I agree with you, but in popular misuse, “decluttering” has been a mere step into all the extra boxes and storage options.
The number of people who find themselves declutting on a weekly, monthly, quarterly, annual basis is astounding.
To declutter and NOT REPLACE, is a freeing move.
Organize after the possessions are pared down.
One might find that without so many possessions, having a home for everything is much simpler.
I’ve been guilty of clearing out and slowly replacing. Now I buy much fewer things, and I have gone beyond one in, one out rules.
One in, three out right now, with a required amount of donations/discards weekly.
I will eventually have a small wardrobe, my books, computer, phone and some items of ritual use that serve as decor, along with three pieces of furniture. My art equipment fits in two small backpacks.
I want to move in two car trips (local; if a distance, a certain number of shipped boxes). No rental vans.
Thus I am de-owning, and establishing what’s useful and needed.
I am lucky that I can ship over a couple months for the move.
This is really an interesting site sharing blog about de cluttering. I just have so much stuff to clear away over the years. Thank you all for giving me the insights and ideas how it will make a big difference in our lives. As we move on to a golden years. I will have a chance to change for the better place and environment without relocating.
I assume I’m going tto give away the variou other duplicate to the very first person too buy at the very least
3 of the current MM plastic reissues.
We have sold our mobile home and moved into our shop, basically a big garage. I have worked to eliminate *possessions* and as I look around and see how we don’t have a lot of stuff anymore and I find that really motivating to see what else I can get rid of in my quest to create space. We are in less square footage now but we have more space. A friend came over the other day and asked if this was all we had, if it was all our stuff, and I was so very pleased to say yes it is! We will live in this shop and live with less (that includes some very common conveniences) and save money in the hopes of building a house in a few years without taking out a mortgage. I am SO thankful for this opportunity to do something that feels so right in every way. Not having this or that, or this convenience or that convenience does not say you are doing a wrong thing. There are times when we say okay how are we going to do this or that and you find a way. *Willingness* to do such a thing is in the attitude you have in working toward your goals.
Teresa, your story is my story. I spent 30 days personally cleaning out my parents’ house while other families also put a combined total of 30 days. My mother could not throw out anything
– including glass jars, 125000
Return address labels, every used straw, pudding container, cereal box and the wax package that goes in it. She would daily retrieve stuff out of the trash since she “might need it someday.” I hated her for this. The days I spent sorting (39 gallon black bags for trash and white bags for Salvation Army) provided therapy for me as I saw just how mentally ill she was.
I promised myself that I would go thru my home now to help lessen the load on my children. Am relieved that is behind me.
Hello, Excellent Blog. Thank you for the motivation! I am a single 60 yr. old woman and have had to move many times in my life.
In the past 20 years I’ve been able to pretty much stay in one town but have accumulated so much “stuff” that I am completely bogged down. I sometimes wonder if I am a borderline hoarder.
I have a storage unit that is full to over flowing. This article has given me the motivation to do away with all the stuff I’ve been hauling around for ages.
Thanks!!!
am in a depressive mental state – am so glad to read your comments – your are so right but how do I get the courage to start tossing? dvds that are seldom played/ books never read etc/
just today read – when William Shatner was asked “what is your
most prized possession?” he replied. I hesitate to possess anything. There are many things I love to be with but possession is not in my vocabulary.”
you are so right – ridding things will give me the freedom that I have been craving for the past few years but, am so scared to
start. please advise
forever grateful
I think it’s worth noting that the Latin word for ‘stuff’ is ‘impedimentum’.
Love it!
Perfect! LOL
This makes more sense to me than all the organising blogs and books out there, thank you.
Our possessions sit on our shelves. Exactly !!
Could not agree more with you. We just buy stuff and store it in drawers.
Teresa: Wow, you just told my story with yours. Thank you for putting down into words what is so difficult to talk about. My mother’s hoarding has caused a great rift in the family and she will not allow us to clean her home, as that would involve throwing out anything that is not useful or of value to her or humanity. You described the treasure hunt I go through when I’m trying to organize her kitchen closet, while trying to find paper towels or cleaning supplies. I will pray for you and all children of hoarders, who struggle with a parent who refuses to live a better life.
Boy does this all hit home. Both my parents hung on to so much- also Depression era childhoods. I’m working on clearing their house now, plus our own. My motivation to move out items is found on Facebook yard sale sites. I keep track of how much I sell and feel good about being able to go out to lunch because I sold some candles I never took out of the box and a globe that still showed the old Yugoslavia. If something doesn’t sell, I donate and feel good about that too. Where I donate they give you not only a tax donation receipt, but also they stamp a card which when full entitles the bearer to 30% off a future purchase at the store. Once my card is full of stamps, I go in the store and look for families with full carts and feel like Santa’s elf when I give them the card to save some money. It’s a win win.
Oh Teresa….and everyone else that had to grow up in homes of hoarders or borderline hoarders… I am so utterly stunned right now. Oh my gosh. I am only 39 years old but I gravely fear that I am being “that” mom and that someday my kids might have to go thru what you all have had to do if I don’t get my act together RIGHT Now…my older daughter is in college now and doesn’t live here at the moment; my younger one is 10; we, too have “doorbell dread” … Or like when another mom asks if I could keep their kid after school for an hour or two if they’re held up at work or something comes up (especially when there’s no notice) ..or my daughter gets invited to spend the night at friends’ houses, and I feel all this guilt for not returning the invitation to OUR house-it gets so awkward. My younger daughter-she’s actually really sweet about it, honestly; the older one seems to just kind of “accept” it like -that’s just the way it is–but I know it must affect them. Like the older one-she has had boyfriends that I know she’d have been mortified to bring them over… We would usually meet at dinner somewhere, or something like that. And The younger one -well like just the other day she said (for example) ,”hey mom, can (the little girl that lives behind us) come over to play? Don’t worry, we’ll just play in the backyard, she doesn’t have to come in” … Ugh! major tears right now…! How could I EVER have let this house get like this…? I know I need to do this a little at a time bc important things are mixed with junk, but I swear it seems it will literally take an eternity (!!)….and in the meantime-“life” is passing me by. But of course, the alternative is -yeah–exactly what you all are going thru, and I surely don’t want that! I guess just doing something, anything, is better than never trying and thinking it’s all gonna fix itself, right?! I like the ideas here-the timer, the “trash/put away/give away or sell” sorting method… You know, just the fact that this stuff is stealing my child’s “childhood” and her feelings of what a “home” should be- a restful, secure, welcoming place…a place you can be “proud” of. I don’t know if I have ever felt that way about my home. i JUST found this website tonight , but from what I have read in the comments, I definitely will be reading and learning and DOING as much as I can (while I still can!…) to change this once and for all. I’m so tired of being a prisoner to my clutter-and if nothing else, I owe it to my kids to change my ways. Thank yall so much. You have so totally opened my eyes, you really have no idea.
I just got rid of tons of stuff that cluttered my home. Bags and boxes. I donated tons of clothing, but just put a lot of stuff in dumpsters. I feel if I had to sell things it would “delay my progress”. It feels freeing to throw bags of unneeded stuff away. My dining room was unusable. I still have a few boxes to go- but it is getting better. I too have a young daughter and at 4, it is the time for me to get our house in shape so there is no embarrassment. Just ask yourself “do I really need this?” and if not, it served a purpose at one time and it’s ok to let go. I hate the idea of filling up dumpsters, but that stuff was taking over my house. Time to move on. My method may not work for many- but for me- I need my house cleaned up ASAP, and sorting, selling, etc… I just do not have time for. I keep a few special gems I can display and have gotten a small dresser for things like important paperwork and pictures (I can’t trash those). Whatever you decide to do, good luck, I feel your pain and know that “doorbell dread”.
do the curb alert (put stuff at the curb and post of Craigslist that free stuff is available) this saved me so much money on getting extra dumpsters
Bridget, I am so impressed. Good for you! You are the treasure…not your stuff!
That’s wonderful, that you recognize what you must do and SOON, to reclaim your and your childrens’ lives! Go for it. Step by step.
I had a pile of “stuff” under a tarp in my backyard. I never intended for it to be there so long. One day, I finally had the courage to face what was under there — it had gotten rained on, full “sunned” upon — for years.
I was glad I went through it, piece by piece. Most of it got thrown away but I was able to find priceless photographs and a few documents that I would never have wanted to lose.
I did feel terribly guilty about the loss (and waste) of some of that stuff, and vowed not to do that “ever again”.
I’m still not sure what has prompted periods of accumulating and then procrastinating dealing with it. I do think our culture constantly promotes accumulation and a kind of “you must have this latest gadget (or fill in the blank_________) or else you aren’t successful” brainwashing so we accustom ourselves to that constant tune. It’s probably not something we would be doing if we didn’t live in such a consumeristic society.
But whatever the cause (and it’s probably a combination of factors), it IS empowering to separate what’s really valuable from what’s not to us and dispatch what we truly don’t need or want. It’s freeing on many levels and now that I’ve gotten started, I am wanting to do it more and more. At first it was overwhelming, but as I see progress, it is becoming easier and easier and easier….
So thank you all for sharing your stories and being inspiring. Even the stories of sadness and depression are helpful because they remind us of the effects of this kind of living, and what to avoid (or climb out of). It’s definitely do-able. Progress leads to more progress.
I have been documenting my struggle with getting rid of excess and it does really egg me on to see the results of my own efforts! :)
Much affection,
By “documenting my struggle” I mean taking pictures of the before and after of each area. A picture is worth a thousand words :)
Bridget, I hear you, loud and clear. I am in a similar situation. I’m 54, and have a spending/buying problem along with a hoarding problem. My husband and I divorced 3 years ago, and I’m just starting to pull out of the terrible depression. My husband complained about the house when we were together, and wouldn’t have people over, even though it was decent enough, but I’d give anything to have my house they way it was 3 years ago. Many rooms were fine, then, but the past 3 years has made the house almost uninhabitable. My 22-yr-old cannot have anyone over, and I won’t let anyone come in, either. I won’t let them even see in the front door, plus I’ve put thick curtains around so no one can see in the windows. I am just very anxious, panicked, and overwhelmed by it all. I have 3 full baths, and due to plumbing repairs that need to be done, only one shower in one bathroom works, and one toilet in another bathroom works. We have to use the kitchen sink for everything. I won’t even let a plumber in here.
And, I was supposed to sell the house 2 1/2 years ago…
I don’t know what to do… ????
Very helpful comments…
My case, while different, is related…
80 yr. old widow.. 50 years in same house..moving 600 miles away to one bedroom apartment..( near only relative I have left.)
First 1/2 easy…Question:is this item important enough to justify expense involved & do I have room !!!
Next: emotional ..not so easy…family pictures..however , when I die no one left will know these people..I combined about 20 with some genealogy notes…felt good to get this done.
Books..mostly to Library. But kept 6 Art History books (my passion)..
Had many more but realized internet access, just as beautiful and not bulky!
Frustrating issues…there are certain things “left over”..floor lamps. End tables, old massive desk ( no antique value… Just big) Will have to pay to have hauled away…very expensive & hard to find.
One nice alternative was a antique/2nd hand shop owner..had a truck & appreciated the “gift”
This whole process has been very enlightening…my biggest roadblock was my difficulty getting rid of anything that could be used by someone else.. Even if I did not want items.. This still puzzles me.
It could be that a way of resisting consumer culture of “buy buy buy” is to be conservative about things, as in, “I may need this someday”. And because there’s so much, there’s a lot of “conserving” going on. But we each have to evaluate: how do these things that I own actually FIT into the life that I (not someone else, whether real or mythical) needs to live?
The more you own, the less time you have. And the stuff you own begins to own you. If you can’t seem to find time hardly outside of work, home and yard maintenance, housecleaning, pets, dusting, vacuuming, repairing, re-arranging, organizing, etc…. you own too much. The reason most of us remember having much much more time and fun in our youth is not because this is a privilege of the young only- it is because we didn’t spend all our time tending to all the stuff that we own, because most of us didn’t have a lot. Get rid of stuff- get your life back.
Put that on a card on your fridge: Get rid of stuff- get your life back.
Definitely!
I am a guy in the UK with a hoarding tendency .
I used to think that hoarding was more of a male problem but I see from blogs like this that hoarding affects females too .
If I was with a female hoarder I would understand and we could
work through our problems together .
I certainly would not divorce a woman over it as I know and understand what she is going through .
A thing I have thought of when trying to convince myself to get rid of something is to see if the item is on e bay for instance then I know I could easily replace it if the desire or longing for it got too much to sort of trick my mind into parting with it !
I hope you readers do not think that I am completely crazy maybe I am lol!
Anyway God bless good luck and best wishes to anyone reading this message . Denis
Hello
I am so very much struggling. I just went into the spare room and walked out almost in tears. I don’t know where to begin. I have photos I have been sorting and getting rid of. It’s over whelming I just walk away. This is how it always seems to be. I feel like I don’t know how to break through. It is burdensome to me. It almost seems like I need someone here to help me get going. One thing is I don’t know what to do with all these photos that remain. I feel like getting rid of everything. I have books that sit on the shelf and they are all good books and self help books but sigh…more burdens. I have self help coarse I took and all these notes I hang onto because I should review them. I work full time and days off I find mostly are resting and having no motivation to start much except cook a bit and doing laundry. Dare I say I wouldn’t be sad if I lost all my stuff? Just looking for help, some advice and not sure how the best way is to tackle this overwhelming stuff I own. I want to have a neat and tidy house with not much stuff that I can maintain while working full time. Is there something you would recommend for a beginner who wants to live minimally?
My advice Tracy, is to be kind to yourself. Don’t keep anything because you should keep it or you should do something with it. Should is a four letter word. Why should you do anything? Keep the things you want, let go of what you don’t want. Identify the strengths you have now (instead of what the self-help books say you should have), and be proud of them (are you courageous, persistent, compassionate…). Working out what makes your life richer and more joyful and letting go of what doesn’t will be easier when you know you are good enough as you are. Celebrate small victories, give yourself a break and take care of yourself.
Good luck!
And do the photos last – they’re hard to make decisions about.
Tracy, your story reached out to me. I too struggle. What I found that helps me purge is to not use the questions that the pros suggest for you to ask yourself, “Can I use this?” Instead ask, “Should I throw this away?” Or pick something up and say, “How am I going to get rid of this?” Your mind will answer such as “Give it to Cousin Mary.” Or, “It is useless, trash it”. Don’t give yourself the option to go back and forth about whether it is worth anything. Your mind and heart already knows. That’s where the confusion and frustration comes in. On one of these articles, it talks about people being able to make only so many decisions before being overwhelmed. Keep in mind that you have to train yourself to purge. It is very hard and I send best wishes.
I’ve just moved to a new city after nearly 20 years in the same house. I filled two large dumpsters from the old house, donated tons of furniture to charity and made a lot of trips to good will. Still here in my two bedroom apartment I’m overwhelmed. I can’t decide if it’s the stress and anxiety of a new move that’s doing it or something else but I feel a real need to purge belongings.
I unpacked my kitchen on day one then yesterday on day three tossed out a dozen coffee cups, wine glasses, some pans I never use, etc. I went in the den and tosses out some old CDs, extra junk and thinks I don’t know why I’m keeping. Today I’m going to goodwill to drop off more stuff and over a dozen pieces of art I have (nice but not really valuable). I’ve done a good job unpacking essentials I’ll use but now I’m left with things I’ve accumulated over they years, did I buy them due to depression, OCD, anxiety, for comfort? I think so. A lot of what I have I now see is a result of me trying to define myself in one way or another. I really don’t need or want all this stuff any more.
When the moving truck came (corporate move) I was reminded of years ago how I drove over the road and lived in a truck for weeks on end. I had a storage locker at home for stuff but really didn’t have much and stayed with my folks on home time. There was something very appealing about being able to life with so little.
As I move now into a job with much more responsibility maybe my fear of “stuff” is just a manifestation of my desire to go back to the simpler time. Maybe it’s just my way of not dealing with the anxiety and stress of a new career. It’s a great career move, a great city and I really hated my old job. But it’s change. I wish I could clarify this sudden urge to declutter and understand it better. I know I feel much better with every bag I toss and I’m not throwing everything out. I hope it’s the right thing for the right reason.
Of course you are overwhelmed! Moving after 20 years, massive de cluttering…give yourself a break! Go with your gut feeling, your instincts, which are telling you to keep going on this path to rid yourself of this “stuff”…no need to question it, it just “is” in my opinion…it’s the right time :)
I had a maddening (one-sided) conversation with my mom last night. They are pressed to leave their current place (been staying free for the past months) since the owner- relative is coming home, and my mom is frantic. She doesn’t want to move into my grandma’s house (granny passed 2 yrs ago), because…get this… the room is so full of boxes of MY MOM’s STUFF. She’s so upset that there’s no room to move about, because of HER OWN STUFF!! I couldn’t say anything , because anything I say would trigger an angry tirade from her. Anyway, they’ve been financially stricken, but have boxes and boxes of stuff: Kitchen items, cutlery, dining sets, unused clothing, new towels, new beddings, etc. She’d bemoan the towels they use are old and ratty, but I saw her packing away SEVERAL BRAND NEW TOWELS. I tried suggesting they do a garage sale and enjoy the income from all the items, hoping she’d perk up at the idea of having that much-needed money..but noooo, she lambasted me about “not having anything, and having to start from scratch at such an old age, so they need all those things!” They’re almost 70 yrs old… My dad is totally NOT a hoarder, and I see how depression is hitting him hard, having to put up with my mom’s tirades, spending and continuous crazy hoarding. I’ve distanced myself from her to keep my sanity, and now my mom’s on my case for not helping them and being so uncaring. A mentor taught us to “stay away from emotional vampires”…my mother has all 8 traits and characteristics of being an emotional vampire…staying away from her has VASTLY helped me regain my self-confidence, zest for life, positivity and even boosted my career! But the other night’s one-way phone conversation sucked me back to her world, her words (she’s been dishing out the same victim lines for the past 20+ yrs!!), her need for a HUGE amount of money to pay rent for a new place (which they haven’t even found yet), buy new furniture , etc etc… Sorry to use this space to rant, I just need to get it out of my system.
Rant Away-It Helps!
WOW, So glad I looked at all the posts it was a major pick me up. I get upset with myself. Feel like a looser. I too have door bell anxiety. I have had many major issues to tackle and filled the void with stuff. I have been working on this a little at a time. Just like extra body weight, this didn’t happen over night and it wont go away over night. I see many similar traits in my son, who makes hurtful comments about me being a hoarder. I am not. But, I do need to get rid of some things and not feel guilty.
Thank you ,,,, for being brave to share your thoughts and the truth.
After my mother died, I inherited a number of things from her that I can’t see myself ever using. I desperately want to sell them, but my brother doesn’t want to see them go out of the family. He doesn’t have children, but I know my children will never want these items either. One thing in particular takes up a fair amount of room in my closet…much too much room for something I’ll never use.
How do I tell my brother that that this is my decision of what to do with these things? I’ve already told him that I’ll never use them and in fact, I had told our mother when she made up her will I didn’t want them, but she willed them to me anyway. I don’t want to hurt my brother, but…
Suggestions?
Set a date a week from now to sell the items. Contact you brother and inform him of your plans. If you don’t need the money from the sale tell him to come pick up everything before that date. If you do need the money tell him if he really wants the items he can buy them from you. If your brother wants to keep these things in the family he should take responsibility for them.
Hey thanks for sharing about your moms, I started today so my daughter does not end up with this or my husband, pack rat here!
It was very motivating to read all the posts! So many people seem to be going through the same thing, having problems, stressful feelings, difficulty letting things go. It really can hold you back, from life. I have started getting rid of things I do not need. I have been staying away from stores, & feel good about not buying more stuff. I think that is a real big help. It feels so good to clear out stuff, donate clothes, kitchen items, etc. I would rather wait and purchase something really nice, good quality that I will get a lot of use out of, instead of buying for the sake of buying. I think it has finally clicked! Now I have more peaceful feelings as I embark on my decluttering, getting rid of old stuff journey. I look forward to organizing my things and my life. It is time to live in the present and enjoy my family. I do not want my boys to be left with “stuff”. As I learn how to keep only what I need, and declutter, I can share my joy with my family and help them. I really look forward to having more social time , inviting family and friends to our home. Life is too short to let “stuff” keep us from enjoying it. I thank everyone for sharing their stories!
Good luck with the process!
These posts are so motivating as Maggi says! Ive been decluttering for last 18 months as we are selling our acreage and moving into a smaller house we are building. Am craving less stuff and more time to travel, live in smaller but clean open spaces with less furniture, less cleaning, and cupboards not brimming with ‘ just in case’ things. Have sold nearly $5000 of ‘things’ books from old hobbies, pot plants, bags, china, furniture, jewellry, electronics, antiques, all no longer used but useful for others. Then there are loads of donated clothing, linens and decor. I stop and read these great posts for further inspiration. It helps me go back and revisit duplicates and lots of office stuff that could go- you know recycled perfect condition gift bags and ribbons that will come in handy but they pile up. I hate waste and being brought up with few possessions have retained things that should be let go. It is getting easier and the house is feeling ‘lighter’ for want of a better word…As someone else said…if i buy one thing 2 or 3 things are removed completely- in a box and off to charity, sold or thrown out. I shop less and if i do, i look at things and say yes nice- but not necessary and its just another thing i don’t want to spend energy on storing and cleaning it! Am learning to live with less and enjoy it. We just need the makers of all the rubbish being produced to stop making useless items that are used for a short time for a fashion/decor trend and end up discarded to landfill. We need to now globally par back the useless ‘ stuff’ being produced and enjoy fewer quality things in our lives. Thanks for sharing your stories everyone and keep up the good work towards owning less stuff for living a good clutter free life.
The way I was able to live clutter free for six months was to rent a storage space and move all the things I really wasn’t sure I wanted to get rid of, but really needed to.
Once all those things were out of my home, it was like magic. Poof! My house-sized junk drawer became my home again. :) After six months I started to pull things out and sell-ebay/donate/give away to friends (even strangers). Try sitting at a local Starbucks with a pile of stuff (books, electronics, CDs, DVDs, etc, etc.) with a sign that says FREE! I got a LOT of free coffee from total strangers who needed stuff.
Today, I still have a LONG way to go, but I at least my home looks tidy and I don’t have boxes of stuff anymore. The six month storage rental was well worth the investment.