Beliefs have a powerful impact on the lives we live. They can limit our potential or expand it.
The more we believe something to be true, the more likely it is to become so. That’s why the stories we tell ourselves are so important as well as the words we speak into others.
There are a number of incorrect life assumptions in this world. But because people say them so often (to themselves and others), they end up becoming true.
No doubt I have fallen for many of them myself. But I can also look back and identify a number of life assumptions that I have never presumed to be true.
10 Common Life Assumptions I’ve Never Presumed to be True
1. Parenting Teenagers is miserable.
I’ll start here because it is a perfect example. I used to work full-time with middle school and high school students and can’t count how many times I was told that parenting teenagers was miserable.
One person even said to me, “Little kids are so cute. But then they become teenagers and you suddenly can’t wait for them to leave.”
I’ve never believed that had to be true. Does parenting teenagers require intentionality and a shift in parenting strategy? Of course, but I’ve never believed it had to be unenjoyable or they would be disrespectful.
2. Spending extended time with extended family is to be bemoaned.
No way! I love seeing my family—including spending extended time with them.
Now, I realize not every family is stable and I still recognize the importance of separation for the purpose of establishing your own identity. But we go home twice/year to spend time with our families (usually close to 2 weeks each time).
Coming home is one of my favorite things in the world. And I always cringe when people crack jokes about how hard it is to be with family.
3. I can’t wait for retirement.
Retirement has been described as the new American Dream. And it seems, in many cases, people live as if the goal of work is retirement. But how can work be enjoyable if the goal is to get out of it?
I probably learned it from my grandfather who worked 40-50 hours/week until the age of 99, but retirement has never been a goal of mine. I prefer meaningful work and will continue to do so as long as my physical body allows.
4. A productive life is a busy life.
When I was early in my first career, I made the mistake of stopping in the office on my first scheduled day off. I don’t remember the exact details, but I was either trying to impress my new boss or had forgot something at my desk (probably the former).
When I walked through the front door, the receptionist said to me, “Make sure you honor your days off—always. You’re going to need them. Because there is a lot to do around here.”
In one sentence, I learned that a productive life doesn’t require me to work every day. And that finding time for rest enables me to accomplish more.
5. We need debt to finance an enjoyable life.
Kim and I have never presumed that having or spending a lot of money was required for happiness or a meaningful life. In fact, we made less than $20,000 combined our first year of marriage—and the next 6 weren’t much more than that.
But we never outspent our means. We did take out a mortgage to buy our first house and I borrowed $7,000 to help offset the cost of graduate school in my late-20’s, but other than that we have added no other debt.
Sure, our life has never been extravagant. But that wasn’t necessary for an enjoyable or meaningful life either.
6. Mothers-in-law are difficult.
Lawyers and mothers-in-law are the punchline to quite a few jokes. And mothers-in-law are almost always portrayed as difficult to get along with on television sit-coms. Just picture how many times the mere presence of a mother-in-law standing at the front door prompted a laugh track.
But my mother-in-law, Kay, is wonderful. She is kind, thoughtful, fun, and a pleasure to spend time with. I don’t dislike being with her at all! I actually enjoy it quite a bit.
7. Money doesn’t change you.
Of course money changes you. Anyone who thinks money only reveals who you are, rather than changing our very hearts, isn’t’ paying attention.
Does this mean everybody with financial means is evil? Of course, not—that would include most of us. But it does mean that we should be aware of its potential negative influence on our lives and stay hyper-focused on our personal ethic in light of it.
It also means that money is not always worth all the work we put into acquiring more of it. There are, after all, better things to be than rich.
8. Religion is boring and weakness.
My faith brings me meaning, joy, peace, stability… In fact, I can’t imagine life without it.
When I was young, I used to think religion was stifling and boring. But not anymore. I appreciate the role it plays in my life and how it has brought me strength through difficult times.
9. Kids are terrible in their 2’s.
Children often rise to the expectations we place on them. (Not always, but often.)
When we were parenting younger children, we never wanted to let “2-years old” or “3-years old” be an excuse for tantrums or bad behavior. And we never presumed that had to be the case. Instead, we sought to understand their developmental phase and worked hard to instruct and help them properly through it.
We should always fight against the presumption that our kids are going to act a certain way just because that’s the assumption we grew up hearing and believing.
Even from the very beginning.
10. People are talking about me behind my back.
Perhaps it is because of my background working at churches or even my current role now, but I hear a good number of comments from people about “being judged by others.” In many circumstances, I wonder if that’s even the case or just projection.
I used to think people were talking behind my back, until I realized they were all too busy talking about themselves.
Reject life assumptions. In so doing, you will regain the power to craft your own life—the one you actually desire.
I had a fun time thinking through this list and what common assumptions about life I have never presumed to be true. Are there any common assumptions you’ve never accepted or intentionally rejected? Comment below because I’d love to read more.
About Joshua Becker
“Religion is boring and weakness”
No, the issue is that religion is evil and a tool of oppression. But hey if it enriches your life it’s cool.
I disagree with the statement about money changing you.
I have always personally believed that money only has one true power: It makes you more of what you already are.
If you are kind and generous, you will be evermore able to be kind and generous. If you harbor feelings of hatred and ill will, you will be tempted to become nasty, demanding, and uncaring.
You cannot imagine an addict, alcoholic, or gambler winning the Megamillions and doing well unless they have been actively seeking help to end their seat torture all along.
one assumption is that everybody is trying to take advantage of you. true you have to beware but sometimes people are just true and are looking out for you
Thanks for the comment, but your thinking is a common life assumption that is incorrect. Money doesn’t just reveal who you are, it changes our sense of morality, our relationships with others, our empathy, our pride, and our mental health. The linked study in the article explained that well: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_money_changes_the_way_you_think_and_feel
Hi Josh
One commonly stated assumption that I personally find untrue is:
“You have to be happy alone before you can be happy with another person.”
I agree happiness is an inside job, but I think the cultural ideal that independence is the ultimate has caused our population more harm than good.
I spent much of my life trying not to need others. Now I realize our need for each other is inherent, part of our humanity, and by no means a character flaw. In fact, now I think it’s beautiful, and I love asking for help when I need it.
We are stronger together.
Thanks for your work.
It’s helping me in what I call my “deconditioning” process.
I can’t get enough of your articles, always directed to the heart, I’m glad I’m a part of the community. Thanks for clearing a few of the misconceptions. You are such an inspiration, thanks.
Dear Joshua,
I love all your posts, because they are thought provoking, as well as humorous. It reminds me of an assignment our 10th grade composition teacher made.
WRITE about a famous saying that you disagree with and explain why you disagree.”
Although I am in my 60’s and recently retired from teaching high school & college mathematics, I can still remember the 2 sayings that I wrote about.
(1) SAYING: “A penny saved is a penny earned.” Ben Franklin (I think?) RESPONSE: “A penny saved is more than a penny earned; you’ve already paid the (income) taxes on it.” (example: Roth IRA)
(2) SAYING “Practice makes perfect.”
RESPONSE: Practice makes habits. Memorizing the wrong words for a song, or the wrong answer(s) for arithmetic facts, or even the wrong notes in an instrument music piece makes a habit that is very hard to “unlearn.”
3) Speaking of the teenage years, the high school my children attended required parent(s) of participants in Speech & Debate Contests to judge at least one Saturday contest a month. Those Saturdays grew to be my favorite day of the week and when my mother-in-law joined me, she loved them as well. She used to explain to friends, “Where else can I go and see teenagers that are well dressed, articulate and respectful ?”
4) I must tell you that my mother-in-law was a true joy in our lives. She always called me her daughter-in-love (not her daughter-in-law) and always included me in family outings, teating me like one of her own adult children.
I have dozens of examples, but better quit for tonight . . .
Thank you for the well written thought provoker.
Kathie
I want to catch up and say that I love reading this post and new comments. It is nice to hear from different perspectives. It all makes very much sense. Thanks Joshua.
Great Article! Makes a whole lot of sense😊 looking forward to more uplifting articles. Thank you❤
Any time i have a rough days, taking a shower before going to bed helped with my sleep. I find it very soothing and helped me through the night. I find myself falling asleep more easily each time.
[oh my goshhh.. sorry, my keyboard acted out and send you some love, anyway.] :0)
´She is JUST a stay at home mum.’ In my circles, that is somehow the less worthy option. As if staying at home with kids means you’re not ‘achieving’ much. It’s taken me a long time to stop buying into that. I’m still working on it.
I loved being a stay at home mom. I raised a world-changer; my daughter teaches high school and has a positive influence in the lives of young people who need encouragement. Just because we “just” stay at home to raise our babies doesn’t mean we don’t have an impact on the world. We certainly do!
“JUST” is a feminine diminutive. I know it gets used on men as well, but just a housewife, just a teacher, just a gardener is the perfect way to minimize the person’s worth. Just takes the importance out of the person and their status in life. I never let anyone say the just to me.
“The grass is greener on the other side of the fence”
You always think others have it better, bigger, happier etc than you. And if only you had what they had you’ll be happy. This is definitely not true. People put on their public persona and appear happy and content but behind the scenes they have as many problems as the rest of us, just maybe different ones. Your energy is best spent concentrating on yourself and your life rather than wishing you had the life of others.
“You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.” That is one saying that probably had a good intention behind it for people who never took care of themselves. But there are many times I take care of others before I take care of myself. My own needs and desires can wait when others are having an emergency.
“I will never change, so there is no point in trying.”
We make so many assumptions about OURSELVES that prevent us from bettering ourselves, that keep us held back. Assumptions like “I could never declutter everything. There is no point in trying. I will never change.”
When we believe that we do not have the ability to change, or look at life differently, we are nailing the coffin shut on ourselves. Through self judgement we shut down our own ability to see life from a different perspective, to dig deep into ourselves and develop the better person we could become.
This is a huge struggle for so many of us. I have decided to intentionally practice NOT being so negative about myself. I have begun to practice self compassion, knowing I am not alone in the daily battle of life. All us humans are here together, to learn from each other!
Thank you kindly for all of your input in my life through your books and emails. I have moved along hundreds of pounds of items. I have not given up. The biggest thing I have learned is that we are never done! I am always moving things along, always making my life easier, freer, lighter, and better!☺️
I’ve never bought into the belief that if your parents have, breast cancer or Alzheimers or heart disease, etc. that you most likely will get it. I believe that by living your healthiest possible life, you may not necessarily have this passed down to you.
I want to mention about terrible twos. I love two year olds. They are the cutest and funniest. You don’t expect anything from two year olds. They are not a baby anymore, they are not a child quite yet. They have their own mind and they move wobbly. They are like tiny creatures. Just enjoy. They are so lovable.
That weather, other than sunshine, is ‘bad’. “Oh what horrible weather!”
I usually find the outdoors is pretty brilliant as long as you have enough warm and waterproof layers!!
I agree with you. Didn’t someone say: ‘There’s no such thing as bad weather, just inappropriate clothing.’ 🙂
How about “Life isn’t supposed to be hard…why is this bad thing happening to me?” (Not true. God’s Word says we will have trouble in this life and it will grow us if we trust Him to care for our needs.)
I love your list! Parenting my 4 teenagers was my favorite time – rewarding and fun to watch their personalities come forth. All 4 are adults now and I miss having a teenager in the house.
In-laws – without question, my in-laws were 2 of my favorite people in the world. They were kind, considerate, and Godly in every way and I miss them. My (dad was)/(mom is) also some of my husband’s favorite people. I hope to replicate that with my future son and daughter in-laws.
I was told as a young woman that girls don’t go to college. They work and get married. Wish I was strong enough then to stand up for myself.
I cannot! – It is too late/hard to change.
There are a few things which cannot be undone (robbing a bank comes to mind) but it is never too late to change your mind about how to handle something within you.
For example, you can resolve to eat better, exercise more, make more effort to stay in contact with people.
Yeah, it takes some effort but it is not on the level of trying to move Mount Everest 10 feet over from the current position. So don’t make the effort bigger or harder than it really is
I love this!! Hard … but not THAT hard. I will share that with others
What began as decluttering 2 years ago, transitioned into simplifying my life, intentional living and minimalism. The vast majority of blogs and YouTube channels I followed, now seem repetitive. But you and just a couple others continue to interest me and challenge me. It must be challenging for you to create content to appeal to declutterers and minimalists.
I used to believe what others told me, that I deserved this or that.
For decades I’ve been caregiving a special needs daughter, now middle-aged. Others tell me I deserve a break, hand her over to an agency. While it’s true I need breaks, and so does she, the lessons in humility and patience that I have been forced to learn in caring directly for her are beyond price. Today I ask instead: what is needed in this situation right now? Sometimes it’s a cup of tea, sometimes a walk, a nap, a snack, a talk. Listen to one’s own inner guidance before other voices and maybe your life will be changed for the better as mine has been. Recently, donating cosmetics and toiletries to the women at our local homeless encampment gives my daughter and me such joy. Giving to others is key to happiness.
I loved your comment. I have been a professional woman all my life and have stopped work to care for an ailing husband and a daughter with a debilitating illness. I feel overwhelmed emotionally and financially. I am learning to stop and smell the roses or study the blue sky to bring peace back into my inner turbulence. This life situation is very humiliating and humbling but I can see the joy emerging as I turn my thoughts around.
If you work hard, get married, have children, buy a big house, send your kids to college, you have had a successful life.
I’ve seen people who follow that formula for success and are miserable.
Being a loving, caring person who sends his life in service to others. That’s a successful life. The other things may be a part of that but they are not a goal you go after. People without wealth, a spouse, children can live good lives.
I’ve always enjoyed teenagers. They are self-cleaning and able to speak. We get the years between 13 and 18 to prepare them for adulthood, which means giving the the opportunity to make some decisions for themselves. If we guide them through the decision process, they will learn how to think for themselves.
There’s a saying, “When I was 20, I wondered what people thought about me. When I was 40, I didn’t care what people about of me. At 60, I realized that nobody was thinking about me!” It’s true: we’re all too busy thinking about our own problems to sit around judging somebody else all the time.
Ahh, that’s the quote I wanted for the final point in the article, but couldn’t find it anywhere. I searched for online every which way trying to get the quote close enough for it to pop up in a search result, but no luck. Thank you for reminding of it!
This is true, and I’m glad you didn’t use 13 as the age. Because in middle school, everyone IS looking at you. I still remember after my daughter was in high school for a couple of weeks she said, “I love high school. Nobody cares what you wear, who you talk to, what you read, or what you are interested in.”
I hear it all the time. It’s like nails on a chalkboard to me, “you deserve to be happy”… really? You deserve it? I personally believe that what we truly deserve is quite the opposite. When I realized that, it completely changed my world. That one little realization meant that everything, from every single person in my life to a warm bed and toothbrush is a gift. I find that I have to remind myself often, but when I remember it, anger and frustration melt away, and is replaced with gratitude, and I’m blown away with how much I’m truly blessed with.
Deep, and rich. Thank you for adding it.
We are given all that we have by grace. Deserving is beside the point and can be very self serving.
I raised 2 children, who are now in their early 30’s. The teenage years were wonderful! I always try to tell people that teen years don’t have to be difficult.
I really enjoyed your insights. One that comes to mind for me is, “this too shall pass.” The statement is true but it was taught to me as something you tell yourself while going through a negative or difficult situation. It’s meant to serve as a beacon of hope. Yet I have learned that it is even more valuable to use it while enjoying a happy or celebratory situation. The happy times pass, too, so be mindful and savour the people you are with and the memories you’re making.
Good post Joshua! We need to stop letting others tell us how to think. I
One belief I never bought into was that college was the only way to succeed. I figured, even if I make less, without all that college debt I might just break even.
Also I think that you should know what you want to be trained for before you go to college because otherwise you are paying for something you may hate doing. College is fantastic when you know what you are going for but if you don’t you might better figure it out first.
I think that’s why a ‘gap’ year can be so instructive for graduated HSers. It seems very common in Europe. I’ve had numerous jobs in a variety of fields, only a couple of which pertained to my major. The difference with American students as you say is the unusually high cost of tuition. If they somehow manage to obtain scholarships, there is even more pressure to ‘get right on it’ even if ‘IT’ is nebulous.
One more: You don’t have to have kids! My husband and I have been married for 23+ years and are child free by choice. In this kid
-centric society, many people don’t understand this. Kids aren’t for everyone and there are many reasons to not have them, including that you just don’t want to be parents. Shouldn’t have to apologize or explain. Best decision ever for us and others!
at 73 i never had children. my first wife could not get pregnant and my second wife said… i have 2 and don’t want more but if you want them we have to have 2. now i still have no children but 2 step children and 6 grand kids. i have already died and gone to heaven.
“If you don’t watch the news, how will you know what’s going on in the world?”
Being extremely intentional
in regard to when I read the newspaper(pretty much never) and watch the news(rarely), has provided me with so much more space in my brain to see the good in people and in the world. I do not have my head in the sand. Friends and family members typically fill in necessary highlights. Peace and tranquility are priceless.
This! Absolutely and positively this!
I gave up television almost thirty years ago and that was a massive change in my life.
But just as dramatic an impact was a decision I made to give up all news (save for a local emergency such as a fire) online in January of this year. I stopped my NYT subscription and miss their incredible stories and I never see CNN or even my local newspaper online.
The reason I stopped cold turkey was that I finally reached my emotional breaking point. I am very sensitive to others around me and to things I let into my life. Some would say too sensitive but I like being attuned into life to that degree–except for the overwhelming and continual negativity that news brings. If it’s awful it’s shoved at us 24/7. I found that during the last year or so leading up to the 2020 national election I was so wounded that I could hardly function let alone maintain a cheerful and vibrant attitude. One day went into the next without hope or confidence or even much happiness.
Then came January 6, and my depressed feelings hit a low I hadn’t imagined existed. So I stopped it all. I unsubscribed to the Times, cut off all sources of “news” of any kind, and have been rewarded with every single day being filled with joys. I no longer care about things I can do nothing about. I do care about things I can like talking to others, providing support and nurturing, sharing smiles and laughs, helping out with things that mean a lot to me, and much more. I have become, or perhaps I should say re-become, the person I not only was and am but want to be. I do not set my life by the world’s problems but by my own standards. There is so much I cannot control or change when riots break out, hurricanes tear homes apart, hatred seethes in politics, and all that. But what I can do, and what I choose to do, is focus on my own corner of the world. I make it better each and every day with the small things that really do make a difference.
Does anyone else remember that 60s bumper sticker that said “Think globally, act locally”? I do, and I really believe it. I can’t rescue every cat even in this country but I make a real difference to those in my community (and that of TinyKittens in Canada). I make my boss’s day better by taking charge of a project and getting answers for him. I make a stranger’s day better with a genuine smile. And so much more.
Letting go of the impact of the daily bummer called the news has allowed me to throw off the blanket of depression it inflicts on me. I now stand taller and stronger and happier.
Joshua, thank you. I l love all your posts but this one particularly resonated with me. I will think of it and will tell my friend today who is driving with me to pick up my new feline family to bring them into what is now a happy, thriving home.
Ooohhhh! This one is so good! I don’t watch the news either and still struggle with feeling I “should”. Thanks for sharing!
My late Mother-in-law was very hard on my husband. Even his dad said so. She was nice to me though. But to my husband, she was verbally abusive. She drank a lot to the point of unconsciousness. Very embarrassing and a bad example to the little ones while on family gatherings.
So I disagree that going home to family could be a wonderful time.
After her passing, we’re enjoying time with family like we never did before, no tension whatsoever among us. These are the happiest times.
Thanks for the comment. But just to be clear, I didn’t say every family was wonderful (I even made mention of that in the article). But the assumption that spending extended time with family has to be miserable is an assumption that I have always rejected.
Very good insight Joshua and so true. I love the “people and kids do rise to the potential of your expectations.” I was treated this way as a child, as my mother was told that I was slow, due to “IQ” rest numbers so don’t expect much. I didn’t want to think this so I had to fight on my own to show myself that I wasn’t this “label” that was put on me, even though it didn’t change my families outlook on me. I achieved because I knew I could.
You must hit certain adult milestones at certain ages. Who says? Finishing a bachelors degree in your thirties makes you a “late bloomer.” Who says? Pursuing any adult goal at anytime is okay and shouldn’t be put into an age box. Want to start a new career in your sixties? Go for it!
Oh, such a good one!
Dear Joshua,
I live in a small rural town. I believe I have heard my fair share.
1. Don’t talk about anyone because they are all related. ( why talk about anyone anyway)
2. It’s hell getting old.
( I don’t look at it that way, better then the alternative)
I got a million of them 🙂
Thanks
Carol
Carol,
Your comment made me remember the (tongue in cheek) sign that my parents had in the carport of their retirement condo:
“Growing old is not for wimps!”
I grew to realize that this doesn’t necessarily apply to just physical aches and pains, but could apply to our spiritual wisdom and our career accomplishments. So I paraphrase it now, as “Growing in maturity (wisdom or competence) isn’t for humans afraid of working hard.”
Yes, Joshua… “the oldest profession” !
BS! As if “that” justifies it! And NOT true. The oldest profession surely would have been what relates to the essential—- such as building— hunting and gathering etc etc etc. Greed-murder-and abuses of all kind has been around forever… but that doesn’t make it acceptable. Nurturing/kindness and responsibility is why humans progressed.
Enjoyable list. A few chuckles to start the day. Grandpa Salem’s wisdom shines through once again.
Thank you.
Being a single parent(mom) is difficult and you will struggle financially.
Wow, good one.
Just because you think something is fun, doesn’t mean it’s fun for others.
But no one is living for “others” so there is no reason anyone should concern themselves with how others feel about what they do with their time or life.
Loved reading this post. I too have lately realized that we don’t necessarily have to be busy all the time to have a productive life or to prove our worth. And to whom are we proving our worth anyways? I guess ourselves!! I have often wondered whether it is the underlying insecurity that makes us do that. Thanks….have a great weekend.
#10 seems to have hit a nerve🤣
Yes, #10 does hit a nerve.
People who don’t have a lot of money are lazy.
Skin color can tell you what a person is like.
Only the rich can enjoy life.
This one: 10. People are talking about me behind my back.
I actually think it is the reverse: A person is projecting onto others what they are most critical of, themselves, of themselves. For example, a person thinks they are being judged “by others” for being too talkative. Most “others” don’t even notice. But the person themself is actually judging themself as being too talkative. Projection.
Not sure if I explained this well but you may be able to put this into a more coherent way.
Re # 10: “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
Love Eleanor’s wisdom!
I love your response! I COMPLETELY believe it to be true only, I have summarized it in a shorter statement when I’m dealing with people who keep saying, “But everyone…” or “But people think…” like this, “When someone is talking about you, yelling at you, putting you down, just remember that YOU’RE the one holding their mirror for them. It’s only personal to THEM.” I’ve helped a dear friend with a child on the spectrum deal with the other parent bullies who talk about her behind her back and now she’s able to step back and truly see what HER son needs, not place him in the same pool of treatment and support.
I cannot! – It is too late/hard to change.
There are a few things which cannot be undone (robbing a bank comes to mind) but it is never too late to change your mind about how to handle something within you.
For example, you can resolve to eat better, exercise more, make more effort to stay in contact with people.
Yeah, it takes some effort but it is not on the level of trying to move Mount Everest 10 feet over from the current position. So don’t make the effort bigger or harder than it really is.