My wife, Kim, and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage next summer. Our wedding ceremony in 1999 took place at a church in Omaha, NE. As part of the process, we attended premarital counseling. Our counselor’s insights and wisdom helped secure a solid foundation on which to build a successful and happy marriage. I recommend it to everyone.
One of the key components of our counseling sessions was to better understand how each of us were raised differently, by different parents, in different parts of the country. It didn’t take long into our conversation to discover important factors in the way we were raised that led to differences of opinion on things—both big and little.
Take birthdays for example. Birthdays were never a big thing in my family. We celebrated them, of course, but usually when it was convenient—moving the celebration to a weekend was a common occurrence. (Perhaps the fact that my two siblings and I all have birthdays within three days of each other, in December, had something to do with it.)
For my wife, however, the actual birthdate is special. Her family always celebrated each person’s birthday with a large family dinner on the actual day. It included gifts and food and family—and everyone made a point to be there.
In this one example, my wife and I were raised with different experiences that ultimately influenced how we view birthdays. Even to this day, my wife experiences disappointment if I am not as attentive to her actual birthdate as she has come to expect.
Expectations based on our family of origin contribute significantly to the people we are today in countless (and often unforeseen) ways. The family dynamics we experienced and the economic conditions surrounding that phase of life are important for us to examine in order to gain perspective on our tendencies toward material possessions.
Some of our parents were collectors, savers, or even hoarders. These habits may be, in part, due to the generation they grew up in or their own family of origin story. For others, however, your parents threw everything away, or were neat freaks never allowing any sort of a mess in their home.
Both extremes can be influential on children. Sometimes we unintentionally follow in their footsteps, never challenging our assumptions, merely because our parents defined normal for us.
But other times, our family of origin experience may influence us to take the opposite path—especially if we felt it was unhealthy or we were mistreated. Or maybe your experience, like mine, was somewhere in the middle.
One question I often raise with audiences when I speak is to identify how your parents’ relationship with material possessions has influenced your own.
Socioeconomic status can also greatly influence who we become.
Growing up in wealth, or even middle class, greatly shapes our understanding of normal and often influences our baseline expectations for life.
When Kim and I bought our first house, it was exciting to own something we could make our own. However, disappointment soon set in as we moved our old things from our tiny apartment into the 3-bedroom home. It didn’t feel as beautiful as it did when we saw is as a model home. In fact, it felt kinda empty to us.
All of our rooms growing up were full of furnishings, even the closets were stuffed full. Without even questioning our assumptions, we began purchasing more and more things trying to fill the house as soon as possible—never stopping to consider how our parents worked for years to get to the place they were when we came along. We just wanted it all, even expected it, right away. This was our understanding of normal.
Of course, growing up in poverty can also greatly influence one’s relationship with physical possessions.
I have a friend. Let’s call her Hannah. Hannah grew up in poverty with eight siblings in a small home. They did not have many clothes or toys and often wondered where their next meal might come from.
This experience motivated Hannah to make something of herself in the business world. She studied hard, worked hard, and stretched herself whenever possible. Today, she is very successful. Somewhere along the way, she made a vow that she would give her children as good a life as she could possibly afford.
It is understandable how she got to this point and the pressure she puts on herself to provide for her family. But Hannah reached out to me recently because she is starting to think she has gone too far to the other extreme. She is beginning to see unexpected selfishness and entitlement grow in her children.
In order to combat this, Hannah’s family has started volunteering at homeless shelters and giving generously to organizations that help those in need. She wants her children to understand the reality of poverty—the life she knows so well—and help them see better the needs around them. She is beginning to recognize her response to poverty was excess—and that may not be the best answer for her family’s happiness after all.
Our heritage is deeply ingrained in each of us. It is influencing our view of the world and material possessions. But discovering how takes time and emotional energy. Of course, Kim and I can both attest it is worth the effort.
Roze says
My husband and I started our minimalist journey a year ago. We have gotten rid of oh so much and we feel a wonderful sense of freedom and clarity in our space now. Our next mission is to reduce debt. One part of our life we are struggling with is the cost of putting our kids in activities. We want them to explore things they like but they have many interests. It seems that we can’t get ahead but we have started things we feel we should not stop. Any suggestions about how you deal with kids many extracurricular activities or what you did when you were working on debt are welcome.
Thanks ☺️
Roll the ball says
great!
Parents and children can pick many ways what to do together.
Stephenie says
“Our parents defined normal for us”.
This statement hit me like a ton of bricks. It speaks volumes in so many aspects of our life. It’s also why some people feel it’s okay to stay in abusive relationships.
This may be one of the best posts I have ever read!
Melissa says
Beautifully written Joshua! Y’all are so inspiring!
Judy says
My in-laws went to their graves with the ” MINE ” mentality. They were unusual hoarders and put great value on every little thing they owned. They shared nothing…. gave nothing. When they passed, they left behind a bitter legacy for their children and never had a will in place. It was inconceivable to them to ever let go of their possessions. Very selfish. Very sad.
A simple living journey... says
Congratulations on your anniversary! A great mile stone, may you and your family be deeply blessed in the next twenty and beyond!
Considering our heritage, family, and own personal experience in creating the lives that resonate with our values and beliefs is so important. To take the time to unpack any hurts or worries so we act with a clear mind rather then being simply reactive to our past and using “stuff” in what ever shape or form as a soother. Families and people are so inherently complex, sometimes it feels Ike unpacking these things to move forward is like peeling away the layers of an onion. Everyone has a story, its important to take the time to hear them.
-Emma
Chris says
My immigrant parents said “NO!” a lot when I was a child. I didn’t get my first Barbie doll til I was in 8th grade. I think most girls were DONE WITH Barbies by then. Then my mother wouldn’t buy me an “outfit” for the Barbie doll… Then as high school was beginning, she wouldn’t buy make-up for me, etc. That’s pretty much when my klepto years began, stealing Teenage Mutant Ninja Tutles, etc for my brother too (I am no longer a klepto now of course lol).
I also had a huge sticker collection that I absolutely loved with all my heart (plus some other toys, etc). What money I saved, I spent on my stickers… In a rage (perhaps it was messy and we were not cleaning it up…?) my mother threw out all our (3 kids) toys, sticker books, etc. To this day I remember the emptiness and sadness of having things that I worked so long and so hard to get — in particular my cultivated sticker book collection — to see them violently TRASHED.
When I was finally able to buy things on my own, well, I never wanted to get rid of them. And as an adult, when my husband tried to make me throw out my things – I would react very angrily. MY things! *I* paid for them with MY MONEY!
I AM clearly emotionally attached. It’s taken years for me to get my mindset changed in the right direction. I am ok with donating things to those less fortunate, who will love them. I am NOT OK with throwing my things in the garbage! See? Probably dredging up old, ugly memories!
My family didn’t hug or kiss or say I love you. Authoritarian parenting and corporal punishment was the norm. But as my immigrant parents worked and worked, we rose from poor to a solid middle class! My parents bought more. My father showed his affection by buying my mother THINGS, expensive things. He loved to buy the newest gadget or electronic (he still does). And he apologized the same way, through “I’m sorry” gifts. He apologized frequently to my mother that way. He only apologized once to me that way. My father punched me in the face for “giving him an attitude” (unhappy facial expression) at the dinner table (14 years old and that was the LAST TIME he ever hit me). The next day he gave me a snow globe. It read “cute little devil” and had a little devil inside with red floating hearts on the inside. Twenty-seven years later, I still have that. It no longer has any water inside, but I look at it every few years with bittersweet memories.
I hang on to things “In case I may need them” in the future. I have a lot of things also bc I craft. And I love learning how to fix things and DIY in general. This goes back to a frugal upbringing where we fixed things vs just tossing them if possible. So I love tools and I love supplies and I bought/buy in bulk often with the mentality of “saving money” in the long run. I swear I could host crafting parties with the amount of crafting supplies I have!
I could go on and on! I haven’t even gotten to talking about the different upbringing between my husband and I. Your post was SPOT ON correct!!!
I am just going to cut myself off here and say THANK YOU. Thank you for your insightful post. I am not the only one in the same boat.
And we are who we are, bc of how we were raised (mostly).
:)
Sally says
Both my parents were refugees, they did have much while growing up.
My dad is hoarder. And he taught his hoarding habits to me and my brother.
My brother still has problems with hoarding. He seems unaware of it.
Luckily, I discovered what hoarding was and learned about minimalism. I’ve thrown a lot of stuff away and I feel so much better now my space isn’t so cluttered anymore.
littleblackdomicile says
What a great post to let us all think about why we look at our homes, and the life we live in them, differently. No right or wrong, juts different. Very nice.
Cathy says
I’m on my way to getting a handle on all my “stuff” accumulated from close to 50 years of marriage. I was raised after age 15 along with my four younger siblings by a single Mom after our Dad passed away. We had the basics and lots of love but not a lot of material things. Once I started making good money, I admit to spending a lot of money on clothes, shoes and stuff and now I’m trying to get rid of all the excess. I’m not a Horder but I do love my stuff. I have found it liberating to be able to minimize but it’s slow going.