If you need nice things to impress your friends, you have the wrong friends.
There’s a pretty common phrase thrown around in personal development circles. It goes like this, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
It’s an important principle actually. I don’t disagree with it all that much.
When we spend time with people who are driven and focused, we begin to take on that lifestyle. When we spend time with people who have a passion for a particular hobby, we become interested in it too. When our closest friends all hold a specific political viewpoint or worldview, we begin to see it as important as well.
The people we spend time with affect us in significant ways. They shape our worldview, our self-esteem, our attitude, and our pursuits. And they influence how we spend our money, our time, and our energy.
For that reason, I don’t want friends impressed by fancy stuff.
Most personal development writers who cite the “average of five friends” quote, do so aspirationally. If you want to be successful in business, surround yourself with people who are successful at business. If you want to be more productive, hang out with productive people. If you want to be rich, surround yourself with wealthy friends.
But it seems to me there is also an important counter-principle to consider.
If there is a trait you don’t want to be true of you, don’t spend a majority of your time with people who possess that trait.
I apply the principle all the time as an intentional parent.
My daughter knows that I’m not a fan of her having friends who are particularly boy-crazy or play Fruit Cup girl. Now, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have friends who are both. It just means, when it comes to her closest friends that she spends the most time with, I prefer a different influence.
The same is true for my son, now a senior in high school. Bad company corrupts good morals, as the proverb says.
And if I employ the principle for my children, I ought to apply it to my own life as well.
I made a life-changing decision 10 years ago that I would no longer pursue physical possessions as a symbol of personal success.
This is counter cultural. Even in the world of minimalism, there are many who will use minimalism as a means to purchase nicer, more expensive things. They may not be trying to impress others by the number of things they own, but they still seek to impress with fancy things.
But personally, I want friends who are not impressed by fancy things.
I want friends who hope to make a difference in the world. I want friends who are generous, thoughtful, honest, faithful, and compassionate. I want friends who use their resources to solve problems that they see in the world and speak up for the voiceless.
These are the people I want around me the most. Because I want to learn from them, be inspired by them, and become more like them as I progress through this beautiful journey of life.
I value relationships with people who are focused, disciplined, and intentional. They are passionate and productive. But they are passionate and productive about the right things!
My hope is that everyone I meet would consider me a friend. But when it comes to my closest friends, the ones that will impact my life the most, I want those most focused on things that matter.
About Joshua Becker
Hmmm….This did get me thinking a lot. I do have a problem with the people who have posted on social media about not wanting friends with different political views, etc. than they have. It seems like a waste of energy to focus so much on evaluating and judging potential friends. Instead, I try to focus on understanding people and seeing their wonderful qualities that I would like to emulate.
With that being said, I have found in my journey, that I have distanced myself from a number of friends, because I did not like who I was when I was around them. I had a number of friends who were negative and friends who did not respect my boundaries.
You definitely gave us some food for thought.
Great post! They say you are the average of the five friends that you hang out with the most, so it’s wise to be careful when choosing your friends. My friends don’t care what kind of car I drive and I love that. I also think it is a maturity thing. Once you get older, life becomes less about material possessions and your values shift to wanting to leave a legacy of some sort. I turn 48 next week and I’ve never been more focused on helping others and putting my own needs second.
Just my two cents ;-)
– Mark
this is true… it’s not about the clothes, the car, the decor in the room. it’s a wonderful state of unconditional love. truly these kinds of friends are a blessing.
Loved article. Thank you for always keeping me in point!
Hey Joshua
Just wanted to let you know that your Facebook posts have been blocked on Facebook for us Australians with the recent change to news sites. Not sure how you can fix this but perhaps you need to contact Facebook. I like seeing your posts and reading the comments in my feed. Thanks!
My parents are incredibly materialistic. This affected me in my youth. As a teenager, I bragged to my friends about how “we” owned 7 houses including 2 holiday houses (I assumed this ownership for myself somehow). I even remember making fun of my friends who had their clothes bought at charity shops instead of high end department stores like me (fortunately I am still friends with one of them but I still feel guilty now, looking back). I did not recognise that placing importance in material goods was foolish because this was what was modelled to me. I do not blame my parents. They have done very well for themselves (especially for what was a single-income family for most of my childhood) and are proud to show off the fruits of their labour. Even now, it can be exhausting trying not to be too judgmental of what they get obvious joy from – be it my mum’s clothes shopping addiction or dad’s new expensive cars. I make all the right noises and “ooh” and “aah” over their purchases. But deep down, it is hard because they are two of my “top five” people and we are so different in this respect now.
In the end, though, I can thank them because:
1. They brought me to adopt a minimalism worldview at the age of around 26, after spending the first years of adulthood just like them – acquiring more and more – but then eventually realising I was going completely overboard (with clothes in particular) so I stopped cold turkey with a 1 year shopping ban and started to learn about minimalism from there.
2. My dad in particular was always extremely open about discussing money and personal finance with me from a young age, and this early exposure helped develop my healthy financial habits e.g. never owning a credit card, etc. Money was never a taboo topic in our household growing up and I think that was, on the whole, a good thing although it could have been done in a less show off-y kind of way.
Thanks for the article Joshua.
But who says that just because a person might like nice things that they aren’t generous, thoughtful, honest, faithful and compassionate? Instead of labelling someone on face value, get to know them first. People are complicated and deserve kindness not judgement.
That is a good point; some people have expensive cars that are a status symbol, but at the same time are substantive and caring people.
The picture for this article is a porsche high performance vehicle; it is not comfortable, even if you are not tall, it is not practical, it is expensive and difficult to maintain. However people who have them really appreciate the beauty, style, interiors and the upscale personalized service at the dealership; we should be careful looking down on people with Porsche etc…Your point is well taken.
May we acquire only what we need, not what we greed.
I suggest that we redesign marketing education curriculum.
Customer insecurity is injected thus making it easier to sell to.
Could we say goodbye to the mentalities of buy-buy-buy!
Could we say goodbye to the mentalities of have-have-have!
I have been reading your posts for about 4 months now and you are so inspiring, it’s fantastic! Thanks for your insight and inspiration. I feel like I am home when I reduce clutter and minimize my material possessions. I am more free than ever.
The only thing that impressed me and my friends as kids was a smooth jump shot and the length of a tire skid on your bike.
Now it’s more or less still a smooth jump shot and if you can make it a day without drinking coffee.
It is a bit of a catch 22. I have always tried to hang around successful people and those relationships ended up helping me achieve a degree of wealth. But when some of your friends are eight and nine digit net worth types you are also going to be exposed to one percenter frugality. And it is just not the same as my level of frugality. If their grandkids live out of state then it makes perfect sense for them to buy a million dollar house or condo there, while keeping their mansion here. That’s a trivial expense, which they’ll probably make money on in the long run. Same thing about a ski condo or a beach house or maybe even their own island. A couple of them have their own jets. But none of that is to impress anyone. Its to add value to their lives and to save time and avoid hassles normal people face when they travel and vacation. I guess what I’m saying is having successful friends with lots of money, even if they are relatively frugal for their net worth, is going to expose you to a large number of things that you can’t begin to buy for yourself. I’ve never found it to be a problem, I think it is fun when they poke fun at my used cars and flying economy class, they see me as just a little eccentric and that’s not so bad. Plus I never have to drive on road trips, my vehicles are not big enough or as much fun to ride in!
Avoiding hassles normal people face. Such a catch 22.
Just like any trend, minimalism can also be a trend if used to purchase few but fancy things. If the underlying motivation is to impress – might even be done unconsciously – then it’s just another mainstream method of control. Don’t be the Fruitcup Girl, be your own gypsy salad 🙃
I enjoyed this article and I agree. I think sometimes it can be hard when ‘old friends’ have different values. I am so loyal and I find it hard to break away from friends I have had my whole life, even when our values differ. It is a delicate balance and an important one. Thank you
wish i had that many friends i could make such choices. i also think what can i do to make a difference? even more so being in lock down again for so long.
Where does one find so many friends that you have a choice of who is a close friend and who isnt?
i wish i had that many friends i could make such choices. i also think what can i do to make a difference? even more so being in lock down again for so long.
Where does one find so many friends that you have a choice of who is a close friend and who isnt?
Laura, sometimes you run into people in the same place and can get an idea if they might be someone you want to know better. Invite them to sit with you or to join you for an event. When you are able to later on, invite them to hang out. You might discover you have mutual interests and that will make it easier to find things to do, but people are pleasantly surprised when I invite them over for a meal or just to hang out. You don’t want to invite a stranger over of course! But if you are part of a club or see them in a place frequently and have gotten to know it is safe to invite them over, you can invite them for dessert, game night, or to work on a hobby, like a book club etc. Have fun! You will be giving the gift of your friendship and gaining one in return.
Beautiful post! Needed to hear this.
Thank you.
My comment is “me also” .
My freedom is found in the fact that I get to choose what and who I
spend my time with today :)
Such a beautiful and inspiring read. Thank you for this gift for the day.
Another fabulous post. I loved the fruit cup read too.
Thanks Anne.
Good stuff! As a soon-to-be first time dad of a baby girl, this was especially a good read. I also agree with the notion that productivity will follow good intentions, in the right/noble endeavors.
I really love and agree with this article. Thank you.
Interesting that a photo of a Porsche was chosen, an uncomfortable car for a tall person, and not easy to get in and out of for anyone, and unless you take the car to a race track, not sure why anyone would need a car that goes that fast. They are quite common where I live in an upscale community. People aspire to have them. The brand sort of figured it out, that they are not for everyone, not even every wealthy and pseudo wealthy person by producing two more comfortable SUVs. Also some wealthy people prefer privacy, i.e. so called stealth wealth and would be reluctant to own one. Can’t help but wonder what Porsche thinks about the posting using their car.
I hope you are also teaching your son to be a domestic god. My son learned at 8 how to use a washer and dryer and at 10 learned how to cook. At 14 I would drop him off at the store with a grocery list and he clipped his own coupons (half of the savings he got to keep).
As single mom I was grateful for my parents who rotated chores equally amongst their two daughters and three sons.
That is great you are training him. My boys do their laundry, but I need to teach them to cook! It will make life easier when they have to do these things when they’re on their own.
How sad a life If you are so focused on wanting to impress your friends, and then in turn they may try to one up you. Friendship is not a competition sport, but a give and take of mutual interests and desires. I knew a woman years ago that was utterly disgusted when I told her that I loved to shop for second hand items, including clothing. I never understood why.
Joshua,
I agree. There are some things we can (and should )control in life. One of them is choosing our closest friends and the influence we allow them to have in our lives. Thank you for sharing.
Fruit Cup girl!! That was a great read!!
I thought it was a video game 😁