“Blessed is he who has learned to admire but not envy, to follow but not imitate, to praise but not flatter, and to lead but not manipulate.”
—William Arthur Ward
For the past several weeks, I have been trying a little experiment. It has been quite life-transforming. And I recommend it to you. The experiment goes like this:
Include one compliment in every conversation.
It’s that simple. And it’s that difficult.
The challenge did not start out for me as an intentional experiment. A few weeks ago, I was spending some time with a good friend—someone I look up to in many ways. During a break in the conversation, I mentioned some things I admire about him. I didn’t think much of it. In fact, it was actually long overdue.
His response surprised me. It was even more emotional than my original compliment. He lifted his head, looked me in the eye, and replied, “Thank you Joshua. I really needed to hear that today.”
I was reminded that many people are fighting difficult battles. We put on smiling faces, but deep down, we hurt. Sometimes, a kind word is the only source of hope we find in our day.
I decided from that moment forward I would try to be more intentional with my compliments and encouragement. In fact, I would try to work one into every conversation.
It has been both challenging and fun. I have not been perfect. But here are some of the results I have noticed:
- It benefits others. Compliments encourage others. Through kind words, we remind people of their value and their talents. All of us want to be noticed—receiving compliments confirms that we are. They provide confidence and joy and hope.
- It benefits me. When we share happiness, we receive it. These days, I see more smiles. The experiment also forces me to think less about myself and more about the other person. It is quite self-revealing. I have begun to recognize how few compliments I actually offer in a day. And I have been reminded of the power in my words.
- It benefits my environment. The people around us create the environments in which we live, work, and play. Spreading joy among them by fostering a culture of encouragement challenges others to do the same. Our work environment feels different, our home life feels different, and the world around begins to change just a little bit.
Our words are important. They have the potential to carry life within them. And offering heartfelt, sincere compliments is one of the best ways to accomplish that.
If you do decide to try the experiment, here are a few things I have learned:
Look for a prompt. I found it helpful to associate the challenge with a physical object around me to serve as a reminder—something you will have present most of the day. There is no need to buy anything new. Just attach special meaning to an article of clothing or jewelry. Use it to remind you of the challenge. It can be easy to forget.
Let common sense be your guide. Not every conversation needs a compliment. Some are short, some are just in passing, and some people we talk to on numerous occasions during the day. So use your common sense. If you talk to your boss, co-worker, or spouse 10-15 times each day, offering a compliment each time may get awkward. Settle for a few well-timed, kind words instead. Again, use your best judgment.
Keep it natural. The benefits of the challenge seem to diminish significantly when you tell someone, “Oh, I’m just saying compliments today as part of an experiment.” Using your common sense above will help to avoid those situations.
Try to be specific. It’s not always possible, but specific compliments about a person and what you appreciate about them seem to carry the most weight.
You can always end with a compliment if you need to. More than a few times I offered my compliment at the very end: “It was nice talking to you today,” or “I am glad you stopped by,” seemed to work nicely if I didn’t work a compliment into the flow of the conversation.
Using a compliment as a transition can also be helpful. They sound very natural. “Hey, you are good at Math. I have a question for you.” “I notice that you do a good job of managing people, can I ask you something?” “You are great at solving problems, can I get your input?” They take some forethought, but work really well.
The more you know someone, the easier it is to think of something nice to say. As might be expected, the better you know somebody, the easier it is to think of and offer a specific compliment. They tend to flow a bit more natural. Keep that in mind because you’ll need to work hard around people you don’t know as well.
Learn from your mistakes. There will be numerous times each day when you forget to offer a compliment. Don’t give up. Instead, try to learn from it. As you walk away, see if you can figure out why you forgot. There are probably several reasons, but I found one of the most common to be the simple fact that I was more focused on myself during that conversation than the person I was speaking with.
Give it a few days. I recommend committing to the experiment for three days.
Take notice of your response. How does the challenge make you feel? More confident? More joyful? What lessons can you learn from it? And how might it affect the words you choose in the future?
Go ahead. Try adding one compliment to every conversation today. I’m confident you’ll be really good at it.
About Joshua Becker
This is great. I notice my best friend HS done this for years and I’ve seen the ripple effect that her words have in those around her. It’s infectious. You make someone feel good with a simple awareness of something about them and you see them stand taller, feel noticed. Fabulous challenge. I accept!
I started a fb page to gather 50 acts of kindness before my 50th birthday. and have kept the page going with acts of kindness. Just shared this on my page and have taken on the challenge. Thank you!
Sir,I think our actions should speak.Timely help to the needy is the best compliment.To help the poorest of the poor is self soothing.Providing First aid in the remote areas is next to Godliness.Let us serve the mankind uncondinally.
Beautiful post. Kindness is important to me and giving a compliment certainly spreads kindness. Just last night our son was frustrated with his 7month old son who was very fussy. Instead of preaching at him about being more patient, it diffused his frustration when I said “you are such a great dad!” A compliment can turn a situation around!
Love this post and will definitely be trying this challenge for 3 days. I am a very shy person and keep to myself so this challenge I am hoping will help me to be more open and aware of people. Especially with the customers I come in contact with at my job. Thank you for this post.
You know how often parents think that children don’t respect them? Well, few days ago in a casual conversation with my parents I said to me dad how he is most honest and hardworking man I know. He started to cry. I needed 30years to give him a compliment, and it made us both happy. We often leave compliments unsaid, we think that people are aware of them, but it’s wrong. We must remind them and let them know that WE know how they are good at something! And Joshua, you are doing a great job. I love your blog. This is first time that I follow some blog and first time I had a need to write a comment.
I really needed to read this. I was a little down yesterday and all I could do was think about my own issues, it will be nice to refocus on others!
It’s always a pleasure to read your articles Joshua! They are very refreshing and always thought-provoking :)
I know a lot of times I think nice things about others in my head, but recently have been trying to act on saying it out loud…even with people that I don’t know very well, but with whom I have worked with on something or who have helped me in some way. Taking the time to actually verbalize (or sometimes I write a note) these thoughts is so very powerful and at times the responses have been so surprising… Just yesterday I wrote a note to tell someone how much I appreciated him, and he said he read the note with tears in his eyes and that he would NEVER forget it. In turn he was compelled to share how much he appreciated the work that I do (not my intention, but I think he felt more comfortable to open up) which completely made my day. Amazing how we have the power to lift people up with something so simple as words! Love, love, love it. Have a great week, everyone!
Without meaning to, I have started doing this more – for me, it has shown up mostly as acknowledging people for something they have shared with me, such as their time, ideas, etc. Eye contact helps too. If it is sincere they will be lifted up.
Great post. I think I am going to follow your advice, Joshua. Thank you.
I gave a compliment to a woman yesterday, whom I had just met. She had tears in her eyes, gave my hand a squeeze, looked me straight in the eye and thanked me. This was the most amazing feeling because it required basically nothing from my side and, yet, it meant so much to her. The important things :)
I have been on the minimalist path for a mere two days now. So happy to have found your blog.
Awesome thoughts Joshua! Love this. I’ve been working on this lately, but I love the idea of deciding to add one compliment to every single conversation. Brilliant brother!
I absolutely love this post Joshua – I couldn’t agree more that we need to compliment each other more. Everyone likes to feel special and loved.
Just today I had a friend say that it was a ‘pleasure to be your friend because you’re a beautiful person’ and it bowled me over because, just like the friend you mention in your post, I needed to hear those supportive words today.
Never underestimate how far kind words can reach!
Great idea! I’ve also found it helpful to try and ask at least one question in every conversation. It helps me to stay focused on what is being said, rather than on what I’m going to say.
Amen! This is really can help me. Thank you for the wonderful wisdom you imparted to me by your column. :)
As a student taking up BS Psychology, It can really be beneficial to me as I am dealing with emotions and behavior. God bless you. :)
Don’t forget to do this with the children around you…
Try smiling at strangers and see the reaction you get. Some smile back and some turn around looking to see who you’re smiling at. It’s a very interesting exercise for you and the receiver of those smiles.
It is always the great ideas that you think, ‘Why didn’t I think of that? It’s so simple!’
Looking at this post, I am thinking the same. Such a simple thing to do – give a compliment and make someone’s day better. I give out compliments haphazardly, randomly and without purpose. Reading this post has put new vigor into my compliment giving. I am going to start looking for opportunities to give compliments.
Thanks!
Wow, what a great idea Joshua! I’m definitely going to try it out!
Of course, I think it’s also important to keep in mind that some of us (myself included!) aren’t very good at receiving compliments. So we need to be careful not to overstep bounds or to get upset if our compliment isn’t well-received.
Sometimes the power of a few words makes a whole difference in a persons day! What a wonderful experiment!
Great post Joshua. I actually started this same challenge in January, I decided to compliment one person a day and found the results amazing.
I felt happier.
Had better relationships.
And the crazy thing is, I started receiving loads of random compliments from people. It was like a compliment boomerang, the more I complimented people the more compliments I received.
And it wasn’t from the people I complimented, it came from random people in my life. Here’s one ‘out of the blue’ tweet I received in the middle of the challenge:
“I think you are a bit of a genius #justsaying”
Our words are so powerful, imagine a world full of intentionally good words?
I’m in. This is a great idea! Thanks, Joshua! =)
How wonderful you are in reminding us of such a beautiful way to be in our day with our loved ones and the random people we meet.
YOU are a creative & thought-ful person. i am thankful for your thoughts and words! very wise & useful. thank you.
This is an excellent post. And this is the sort of creative, heartfelt thinking that occurs when we become minimalists and focus our intentions on improving the world and not just managing it.
Thank you.
I have tried to do this especially if I encounter negativity from someone. It does change one’s focus, actually for both. I am sharing this with my church family. Thank you.
Words are so powerful. God spoke the world into existence. I’m up for this experiment! :) Thank you, Joshua. You are a good friend to all of us here.
I want to give you a thank you or a compliment that is way over due. I have been a minimalist all my life. I am 57 years old. It has payed off over & over. For instance, I have put my 3 children through college on the money that I have saved by not buying stuff I don’t need. I have retired early & now do lots of volunteer work. But I have a hard time explaining my thoughts & reasons to others. Your newsletter & web site have given me the words to be able to express to others how I feel about money & stuff & helping other people. Knowing that there are other people like me have made me feel not so strange. You have been a blessing in my life. Thank you.
This is very true! I have a new co-worker that is not really comfortable with the fast pace of our work environment and giving her compliment makes her feel better.
What a great reminder to change the way we interact with everyone, from family, friends, and strangers. Thanks for always be an ever present positive reinforcement in my day. Thank you for sharing your wealth of knowledge, and sometimes just plain common sense.
I will be doing this challenge by the start of tomorrow (school) and see how it goes in coming weeks. Thank you for sharing this challenge :)
I’ve realized, that becoming minimalist for myself is all about “focus.” Focus on what I want to spend my time and energy on, what I want to fill my life with and what I want to be full of. What am I especially like about this topic on your many posts Joshua was that the focus is on others and giving something everyone can give, rich or poor ~ and that is kind words. This was a nice reminder and encouragement, thank you.
Cool. And not all that hard to do.
‘Out of the heart the mouth speaks.’
Only be sure that your comment is authentic. Right?!
And to that I would say “not too shabby” nottooshabby!
So true. Even people you don’t know can boost you. I remember a shopping trip where my checkout lady seemed angry. After trying to talk to her a few times and receiving one word replies, I noticed her wavy gray hair. I admired it in my mind, but was hesitant to say anything because she was so cross already. I did finally tell her how lovely it looked and her whole demeanor changed. She smiled and even talked pleasantly to my brood.
It helped her look past whatever difficulty she was having and made my day too! Somehow, helping someone, even in such an easy, simple way, is a gift to the giver.
Wow! This was a great reminder for me. School is starting next week (I am a teacher), and I find it so important to compliment my students. They need to hear how valuable they are. Middle school is such a tough time for them, and if I help them feel good about themselves, they will be able to pass it on to their peers.
I need to also remember this at home. My family needs to hear this too. Thank you!
What a great challenge. Especially for myself. I’m going to give this the 3 day challenge and really work at making a difference in not only my life, but those that I see and speak to daily. Thank-you for this.
Your timing of this challenge is really helpful to me. Thankyou!
I am about to take over a business and I have admired the previous owner for her ability to effortlessly praise her staff which they really appreciate. I have been feeling quite unequal to the task and wondered how I could, having a different personality, do the same. Ive been wondering just how I could discipline myself to encourage my staff regularly and You have just given me an effective key.
Thankyou again!
Great idea. I find saying, “It was so good to see you” is an easy compliment to give when you cannot think of anything else to say. That is definitely my back up compliment. I am returning to work today and intend on trying this.
I really agree with your compliment of “It was good to see you” but how would I say this is I was with my teenage friends. So like how can I say this without it being so formal?
How about:
“Thanks for hanging out tonight; it was a lot of fun.”
“Love those shoes! You have the best sense of style!”
“Thanks for listening. It really helped to talk things over with you.”
“You are so funny! You always make me laugh!”
“Great color (nails)! You always pick the the best colors!”
“Thanks for picking me up. I’m glad we’ll have some time to talk, before we get to the party.’
For me, sometimes it’s easier to compliment someone I’m not close to, like the girl in the checkout line or the guy working the drive through window. I’ve gotten some of the biggest smiles I’ve ever seen, from those people, after a receiving a compliment.
In my opinion, the most important thing for a compliment to be effective is that it has to be genuine. People can feel the integrity of a compliment and will usually feel appreciated, validated (you see me), or simply elevated by a genuine compliment. Once you develop a habit of complimenting; I think it becomes pretty natural and easy for your brain to look for the little things that you can compliment. It takes practice, setting an intention to be more complimentary, having some self-awareness, while at the same time looking outside of yourself to notice the little positive or cute things that most people won’t notice or don’t bother to mention. Hope this helps.
Lovely thoughts there, Nancy! Thank you for sharing!
Awesome Angela!!