“We refuse to turn off our computers, turn off our phone, log off Facebook, and just sit in silence, because in those moments we might actually have to face up to who we really are.” —Jefferson Bethke
Recently, Allison Slater Tate wrote an important article in the Washington Post: Parenting as a Gen Xer: We’re the first generation of parents in the age of iEverything.
Allison articulates and draws attention to a unique struggle facing our generation of parents. Namely, how to raise children in an age of technology.
She sums up our current challenge like this:
My generation, it seems, had the last of the truly low-tech childhoods, and now we are among the first of the truly high-tech parents…
When it comes to parenting, I find this middle place extremely uncomfortable, because I know what childhood and adolescence were like before the Internet, but all my parenting models came from that era…
Technology wins the prize for being the trickiest parenting challenge I have faced.
Parents today know the decisions we make for our kids concerning technology are important—but entirely without context. (tweet that)
Our conversations on the sidelines at soccer games about these issues are never based on proven experience (When I was a kid, my mom used to…). Instead, it is based on guesswork and the little wisdom we have gained (Well, this is what we have decided to do. What about you guys?).
Allison summarizes it well, “ What we are doing is unprecedented—no study yet knows exactly what this iChildhood will look like when our children are full grown people.”
There are no proven answers to the questions we are asking. That’s what makes this so difficult. Well, that, and the fact that even the questions are changing at an alarming rate.
But a conversation about technology addiction is one we should be having. Not because we will all choose to parent the same, but because there is wisdom in numbers. And the more intentionality we apply to our parenting the better.
I would like to start. My children are both teenagers.
Here are 9 important strategies we have sought to implement raising children in an age of technology:
1. Technology is not discouraged in our home. Technology, it appears, is going to be around for quite awhile. Our kids will need the skills in the future—they already do in the present. Parenting is not about shielding our children from the tools of the world, but equipping them to use those tools properly.
We should be active and intentional in teaching them how to use technology effectively and to its fullest potential. In practical terms, this means both of my children received iPods on their 7th birthday. And they will receive phones on their 13th.
2. Moderation is encouraged and modeled. While we know very little about the future of technology and how it might look, we do have ample study on the effects of screen time on kids: Studies have shown that excessive media use can lead to attention problems, school difficulties, sleep and eating disorders, and obesity. Most recently, The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends television and other entertainment media should be avoided entirely for infants and children under age 2.
For older kids, “To help them make wise media choices, parents should monitor their media diet for both duration and content.” We have adopted a similar philosophy to the one mentioned by Allison, “We make the children sit in public places when they are on devices or laptops, we look over shoulders, we check text message histories and set parental controls. We worry about their cyber footprints.”
3. Age restrictions on technology are an appropriate guideline. The minimum age for Facebook / Instagram is 13 years old. We are not allowing our kids to have accounts on those networks (or others) before the minimum age limit is reached. While some kids under the age of 13 may be mature enough to use the networks wisely, there is a bigger issue at play—honesty. When we allow our children to misrepresent their age/identity solely for the purpose of gaining access, we set a dangerous precedent.
4. Technology is changing the way we relate to one another, but face-to-face conversation is still important in the present (and will likely be important in the future). Technology is permanently changing the way we communicate—whether it is for the better or not remains to be seen. Older generations will argue technology is destroying conversation, younger generations will argue technology is enhancing it. Only time will tell.
But either way, our children will forever live in a world where their immediate elders (parents) respect and expect verbal conversation. Future generations may value it less. But in the meantime, for our children to be successful in communicating with older generations, they must be able to communicate both online and in-person. We should create safe opportunities where they can learn.
5. Technology increases opportunity for distraction. From leaving present conversations, procrastinating important work, or losing the ability to self-reflect, technology represents an ever-present temptation to leave difficult places. Those who will succeed in the future will be the ones who learn to overcome this temptation.
6. Technology can be used for consumption or creation. Choose creation whenever possible. This is, perhaps, one of the most important distinctions concerning technology that we can teach our children. We can play video games… or we can create them. We can browse Facebook… or we can create places and communities that serve a purpose. There is a place in our world for technological consumption—but as an approach to life, creation trumps consumption every day. Help your children know the difference.
7. Your self-worth can not be calculated by likes and shares and retweets. The praise of others is a fickle thing upon which to measure our worth. It is a foolish, ever-changing target. It often negatively impacts the decisions we make and the life we choose to live, but it never fully satisfies our hearts or our souls. It is important for our kids to understand their self-worth must be found elsewhere. And it is equally important for us as adults to learn the same.
8. You can’t believe everything you see on the Internet. The Internet could use more fact checkers—though I am not overly concerned about this. My elementary-aged kids already debate whether Wikipedia is a reliable source for school projects. Far more damaging, in my opinion, are the profiles we create representing ourselves online. We post our most glorious moments online, but hide the most painful. We build a facade of happiness, success, and an image of having it all together. But inside, we are as lost and broken as the next person.
Our online selves need more authenticity. And our children need to know the danger of comparing themselves to the rose-colored profiles created on social media.
9. Technology serves a purpose. It should solve problems. Purchasing technology purely for the sake of owning technology is a fool’s gold—and has run countless others into great debt. When it comes to buying (or using) technology, I want my children to be routinely asking the question, “What problem does it solve?” Because technology should make our lives easier and more efficient. And if a new technology is not solving an existing problem, it is only adding to them.
Parenting requires a healthy balance of humility and fierce resolve.
Are there any important strategies you have implemented with your kids that you think are important to add?
Kathy says
All great points, Joshua. Especially # 7. Almost 3 years ago, my son (now 28 years old) deleted his Facebook page. I suspect some kind of bully behavior prompted this – he’s on the autism spectrum (Asperger’s) and can be especially vulnerable in certain situations.
That so many lives are “Facebook saturated” – and still, he was able to disengage from this platform, recognizing that it wasn’t a safe space for him is pretty cool.
On another similar but different note: I worry when I see Facebook shares of pregnancy announcements complete with baby photos in utero; it’s an unsettling example of how we’ve become “digital voyeurs.”
Thanks for focusing on the positives of technology.
Christina @ Embracing Simple says
This is such a great post. My daughter is only 6 months old, but I’m already worried about the impact that technology is going to have on her childhood and how much more influence it will have on her compared to me when I was growing up.
I agree that moderation is key, as is placing importance on the ability to have a face-to-face conversation. We have a lot of little cousins in our family and over the past few years I’ve watched (in disgust, if I’m being honest), them all lined up on the couch sitting side-by-side just playing on their iPads and not talking to each other at all. What a sad sight, so many kids around the same age all sitting next to each other and not communicating whatsoever. I’m determined to not have that be my children; thanks for the great reminder that I’m not alone in this mindset!
Rochelle says
I’m right there with you–six-month-old and everything. It scares me that when we show her pictures on our phones, she has figured out how to scroll through them. I am concerned about how we’re going to keep her as tech-free as possible, especially since my husband is a gamer.
My cousins (who are 13, 11, and 9) are the same way about technology, and I really don’t want that future for my daughter. I think it starts with modeling the behavior we want to see–making sure we have our own designated tech-free times so she can follow our example.
Annie says
Great post. I don’t have kids and all the while I read it I kept thinking this applies to marriages today as well, except #3. (Well, the honesty part still applies.) My husband is much more of a tech fiend than I am and I struggle with his levels of usage. I sometimes feel he prefers to spend more time with his iPad then me, but he is open about what he does online so there is no trust issue, it’s just me wanting his undivided attention which I used to get more often before all the tech gadgets showed up. He will make time to take long walks together and chat while we have coffee, and I take advantage of his “screen time” by reading or doing others things I want to do on my own. It’s about finding a balance so that neither person feels they have to compete with the technology.
Tobias (KLAFATOA) says
Some time ago I’ve written about the importance of boredom (see link below). I think the greatest challenge about raising kids these days is keeping them away from sources of constantly available entertainment without making it seem like a punishment. At least from time to time they need that “void” to fill with creative ideas.
http://the-minimalist-living.blogspot.de/2014/11/boredom-is-gift.html
Tracy says
Exactly! If there is no open space or boredom in their lives, then they won’t create anything. Parents need to be willing to set rules and boundaries (and model self -restraint) regarding the use of technology. There is nothing wrong (and a whole lot right) with having time in the day where there are no screens available. I am a Gen-X parent with a nearly 18 year old daughter. She is very tech savvy AND she has many hours each day without use of technology. There are no screens in her bedroom thus she actually sleeps at night. Family meals are tech free. She enjoys creating with paper, canvas, paint, fabric, etc. and does so without technology much of the time. She also enjoys physical activity like bike riding, swimming, and yoga…all tech free. She enjoys getting together with friends and actually doing stuff with them, like miniature golfing and bowling. It is important to set boundaries and stick to them so that they can become well rounded adults.
Tobias (KLAFATOA) says
That’s just the point: Most tech-free activities include moving and not just sitting on a sofa. Vice versa, staring at a screen for a several hours a day has serious negative effects on the body. You mentioned the importance of sleep, that’s so true. If teenagers watch TV until late at night, they probably don’t even become aware of how tired they are.
Eventually it’s their decision from a certain age on. But I think it’s essential to teach them caring for their physical health by doing sports and getting a good night’s rest.
Jess says
I think technology lets us live in illusion if we’re not careful. It gives us the illusion of relationship (video), and of accomplishment (gaming), but never delivers a real experience of either. It also feeds addictive personalities. Huge dangers in both.
Christina @ Embracing Simple says
Such a good point Jess! It’s also so easy to forget that people try to put their best selves forward on social media, so we are constantly comparing their highlight reels to our “behind the scenes”. It makes it easy to feel like we aren’t good enough in comparison.
Rod Bruce says
Christina! Best point I’ve read about Facebook! Beth Moore, a well know Biblical writer, has stated it as Fakebook!
BrownVagabonder says
Self-worth is not measured by likes or follows. I like that point a lot. It is so ingrained in us that if no one likes my post on FB, that I’m alone and no one likes me and I must be a failure (or something to that effect). I have seen people watch the post that they made on FB to see how many likes they get, and getting more and more emotional as times passes by and people haven’t noticed their post at all. We already have so much trauma to deal with on this planet. Why do we need to add on to it with social media network rejection as well?
Alex says
I agree that our self-worth should not be measured by likes or follows. As a twenty-year-old, who has been using Facebook since the beginning of adolescence, I’ve realized how much a status can say about a person. Before I post a new status, I ask myself “Why am I posting this?” If the answer to that question has anything to do with making myself look good or bragging about what I’ve done or what I have, then I try not to post it. This results in only posting one or two updates a month. While this is definitely not the case for everyone, I feel like the majority of posts on Facebook are just an attempt to improve our self-worth. This means that people are not getting their sense of self-worth from other places, and are turning to social media as almost a last resort.
Cassy says
I agree whole heartedly.
Everyday I browse through my news feed, looking at all the statuses, seeing what everyone is up to. What’s new and exciting. Lots of people are moving, having babies, getting married, getting new jobs – it’s fabulous to see all these people’s lives moving forward.
I’m starting to think that maybe social media (like Facebook) should have an age limit of 18. For the sole reason that a lot of teens can’t comprehend that their life is just like everyone else’s when they see their friends pages where everyone’s partying, and they have girlfriends and boyfriends, and they’re going on fancy trips.
I see my younger cousins and friends on Facebook, pouring their feelings into posts that often come off as depressed, suicidal, and melodramatic.
“Sick and tired of being lied to.”
“I guess you can’t count on anyone these days.”
“Someone inbox me!”
These statuses plague my news feed, and between these and the meme’s that say “Share if you’ve ever been called ugly – whomever likes this disagrees” and ridiculous nonsense like that, they’re setting up our teens for feelings of alienation, disappointment and worthlessness.
Not because everyone hates them, but because people HATE these statuses, and messages, and meme’s. People get annoyed thinking those who are posting these messages are looking for attention. Which they are, but because they need the validation from those around them.
I’m not sure what’s worse for a teens self-esteem, bullying or being completely overlooked.
Emily says
Number 3 is great. It’s so important to model honesty to our children. So often, I think parents overlook this on “little” things.
Slackerjo says
I am curious, at what point will the kids be more financially responsible for all this technology?
Bob Pepe says
Only speaking for myself.. I supply the funds for most of it. Both kids need Laptops for school and cell-phones for keeping in touch with me, so I pay…. If they want the latest and greatest (which they don’t) it would be on them to supply the money.
These are tools of the trade for today’s students.
Tracee says
We will purchase the BASIC phones and computers. If they want more (iPhones, gaming computers) we contribute the price of the basic technology. My sons are 15, 19 and 21. All are students with small jobs for extras.
Cassy says
As far as financial responsibility goes, as soon as I was making enough money to sustain myself technology was purchased myself (I’m now 22). So that was basically once I was out of college (and even in college, only necessities were purchased for me – a cheap laptop to get me through classes, new phones and other non-essential items came out of my pocket, and those came after I secured part-time employment).
Now, my parents will purchase us tech gifts (my mother gave me my new DSLR for Christmas, and purchased my husband a Galaxy Gear smartwatch). Things we didn’t really need and likely wouldn’t purchase for ourselves so it was a nice gift to receive. But my iPhone, Mac etc are purchased for myself and my husband. But they by no means feel obligated to. Actually, they purchase more tech for themselves now.
joshua becker says
I have seen this modeled in many different ways. Some give their kids an allowance and expect them to make those purchases. Others give small or no allowance and cover the bill themselves. What is the best way to teach kids the value of money is an important question every parent should be asking—whether dealing specifically with technology or not.
Lanna says
At 7 my kids started receiving an allowance which had nothing to do with chores, as those were an expectation of living together as a family, it was about how to manage money. By the time they were 9 and started asking for phones, it was practically understood that they would have to buy their phones and pay the monthly bills themselves. At 13, they realized they had enough money to afford a phone and the monthly bills. They work at odd jobs during the spring and summer, save up their money and they pay for everything outright. It has given them a sense of responsibility, not only about their phones, but with their own self-respect. They have also learned that the best things are worth earning.
Bob Pepe says
Technology is a tough one for not just my kids, but for me as well.. My kids have had iphones, Ipads, Macbooks.. since they were about 13.. I know the best gift my daughter got for her 13th Birthday was Facebook… They are now 16 and 18 and they are so far ahead of me both socially, intellectually, and technologically…
I was concerned about all the things written, but those fears just show our age. The world is changing and we need to get on the ride. A cell phone is not a big thing to these kids. It is just something they have. If money is tight, you may have and older phone, but the thought of a 16 year old not having a phone is frightening. She texts me wherever she is, I can reach her easily.. It is a positive much more than a negative.
Facebook is even becoming a non-issue. Everyone has one, but the novelty has worn off and it is just a part of their daily lives. They don’t stress about how many likes and things like that. My daughter teases me about Facebook, she always says “Facebook is now only for parents who want to spy on their kids”
As someone trying to minimize my life, I wonder about technology a lot. Should I minimize my virtual life? Do I get rid of my cell phone or keep the cell-phone and lose the tablet or laptop? I have a Kindle that holds about a billion books… should I keep that instead of having bookcases full of books around the house?
I am sick of Facebook, but that is how I found Joshua and this movement. The answer lies in the middle (like most things). We need to learn about and embrace technology. If we keep our heads in the sand, we will miss out on a lot of great things That does not mean spending hours tweeting about what you had for dinner last night of how much you like or hate President Obama….
I currently have a Iphone, Ipad, MacBook Air, kindle… They are my daily items that I use almost everyday and I do not see the need to get rid of any of them. I suppose I could lose the Kindle and use the Iphone or Ipad app… but the Laptop is a few years old, the Ipad is at least 3 years old, the cell is new but the company pays for it.. So I am not going broke buying the latest stuff and my house doesn’t look like Best Buy…So as a budding minimalist, I think having a Laptop on the table and a Kindle on the shelf is right in line with my new minimalist lifestyle.
Kelly says
Bob, As someone who works in the public schools, I agree with your daughter’s statement about Facebook and parents. I’ve seen older students, high school age, sneak around from their parents on alternative sites. Hopefully many parents out there will also be on Instagram, Tumblr, Snapchat, Twitter, and all the other social media sites as well, not for their own well being but also for the health of their children. Because we all know, kids aren’t just giving up Facebook for…. actual conversations!
Bob Pepe says
There has to be some level of trust. I do not read my girls texts. I see their twitter,FB, Instagram etc… We have an open and good relationship. It shouldn’t be a cat and mouse game with each side trying to catch and dodge the other… the key is teaching them morals and ethic and let them handle the virtual world on their terms…and being their to help them when they need it.
To lock down technology for periods of time at home is the same as locking up the booze… You make them want it more and they will find a way to get it.
Make the conversations at dinner interesting enough where they will want to put down the phone and talk.
We can’t live their lives. We have to teach them the tools to live their own lives.
joshua becker says
I agree Bob.
Allison makes a very profound statement in the Washington Post article about setting limitations for her kids when she says this, “My husband and I set limits and negotiate them.” These are conversations we need to be having. Just locking everything away is not healthy or a solution.
And I do think trust is an important issue to consider. Like I mentioned, my kids are 8 and 12. When they first get their phones, I assume there will be more checking of texts and accounts than as they age prove they are using them in a responsible manner.
Carlo says
“To lock down technology for periods of time is the same as locking down your booze, you’ll make them want it more.”. Very well said and as a young (39) year old parent to an 8 year old and a 2 year old I worry that they are wasting their youth starring at screens. While games like Minecraft use great imagination and creativity, too much of it is not a good thing. Too much of anything is not a good thing. I grew up loving to fish and hunt and played multiple spirts. I’ve coaches my son’s soccer teams since he was 5, but I’ve realized he’s doing it just to be with me. To spend time with me. He doesn’t have that same fire I had, at least not yet. I have seen glimpses of his competitive spirit, but I know he doesn’t have the urge to go outside an practice on his own to get better. But yet he can create amazing worlds, building, roller coasters, cities in MineCraft all day long. Part of me thinks he will one day be an architect, but I worry what road he is going down. Being a parent is tricky and I must admit I’m at fault for being lazy when I come home from work and just want to relax. Frustrating and time is quickly passing by.
Larry says
Great post and our choices will impact how our kids chose for their families growing up. We are still questioning when to allow the social profiles ourselves since our son became 13.
joshua becker says
That’s a good point Larry. I should probably should have mentioned that in the article. Just because a child turns 13 does not necessarily mean they are ready to handle the responsibility (potential pitfalls) of a social media account.
Hannah says
Proactive parenting in whatever cultural era we live will always produce healthier adults… Know your child, emotionally, physically, and spiritually… Watch their ques and keep the conversation open. We can only hope to encourage them to choose right, and help them establish their moral compass, the rest will be up to them. Especially in the young adult phase of life decision making.