“We refuse to turn off our computers, turn off our phone, log off Facebook, and just sit in silence, because in those moments we might actually have to face up to who we really are.” —Jefferson Bethke
Recently, Allison Slater Tate wrote an important article in the Washington Post: Parenting as a Gen Xer: We’re the first generation of parents in the age of iEverything.
Allison articulates and draws attention to a unique struggle facing our generation of parents. Namely, how to raise children in an age of technology.
She sums up our current challenge like this:
My generation, it seems, had the last of the truly low-tech childhoods, and now we are among the first of the truly high-tech parents…
When it comes to parenting, I find this middle place extremely uncomfortable, because I know what childhood and adolescence were like before the Internet, but all my parenting models came from that era…
Technology wins the prize for being the trickiest parenting challenge I have faced.
Parents today know the decisions we make for our kids concerning technology are important—but entirely without context. (tweet that)
Our conversations on the sidelines at soccer games about these issues are never based on proven experience (When I was a kid, my mom used to…). Instead, it is based on guesswork and the little wisdom we have gained (Well, this is what we have decided to do. What about you guys?).
Allison summarizes it well, “ What we are doing is unprecedented—no study yet knows exactly what this iChildhood will look like when our children are full grown people.”
There are no proven answers to the questions we are asking. That’s what makes this so difficult. Well, that, and the fact that even the questions are changing at an alarming rate.
But a conversation about technology addiction is one we should be having. Not because we will all choose to parent the same, but because there is wisdom in numbers. And the more intentionality we apply to our parenting the better.
I would like to start. My children are both teenagers.
Here are 9 important strategies we have sought to implement raising children in an age of technology:
1. Technology is not discouraged in our home. Technology, it appears, is going to be around for quite awhile. Our kids will need the skills in the future—they already do in the present. Parenting is not about shielding our children from the tools of the world, but equipping them to use those tools properly.
We should be active and intentional in teaching them how to use technology effectively and to its fullest potential. In practical terms, this means both of my children received iPods on their 7th birthday. And they will receive phones on their 13th.
2. Moderation is encouraged and modeled. While we know very little about the future of technology and how it might look, we do have ample study on the effects of screen time on kids: Studies have shown that excessive media use can lead to attention problems, school difficulties, sleep and eating disorders, and obesity. Most recently, The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends television and other entertainment media should be avoided entirely for infants and children under age 2.
For older kids, “To help them make wise media choices, parents should monitor their media diet for both duration and content.” We have adopted a similar philosophy to the one mentioned by Allison, “We make the children sit in public places when they are on devices or laptops, we look over shoulders, we check text message histories and set parental controls. We worry about their cyber footprints.”
3. Age restrictions on technology are an appropriate guideline. The minimum age for Facebook / Instagram is 13 years old. We are not allowing our kids to have accounts on those networks (or others) before the minimum age limit is reached. While some kids under the age of 13 may be mature enough to use the networks wisely, there is a bigger issue at play—honesty. When we allow our children to misrepresent their age/identity solely for the purpose of gaining access, we set a dangerous precedent.
4. Technology is changing the way we relate to one another, but face-to-face conversation is still important in the present (and will likely be important in the future). Technology is permanently changing the way we communicate—whether it is for the better or not remains to be seen. Older generations will argue technology is destroying conversation, younger generations will argue technology is enhancing it. Only time will tell.
But either way, our children will forever live in a world where their immediate elders (parents) respect and expect verbal conversation. Future generations may value it less. But in the meantime, for our children to be successful in communicating with older generations, they must be able to communicate both online and in-person. We should create safe opportunities where they can learn.
5. Technology increases opportunity for distraction. From leaving present conversations, procrastinating important work, or losing the ability to self-reflect, technology represents an ever-present temptation to leave difficult places. Those who will succeed in the future will be the ones who learn to overcome this temptation.
6. Technology can be used for consumption or creation. Choose creation whenever possible. This is, perhaps, one of the most important distinctions concerning technology that we can teach our children. We can play video games… or we can create them. We can browse Facebook… or we can create places and communities that serve a purpose. There is a place in our world for technological consumption—but as an approach to life, creation trumps consumption every day. Help your children know the difference.
7. Your self-worth can not be calculated by likes and shares and retweets. The praise of others is a fickle thing upon which to measure our worth. It is a foolish, ever-changing target. It often negatively impacts the decisions we make and the life we choose to live, but it never fully satisfies our hearts or our souls. It is important for our kids to understand their self-worth must be found elsewhere. And it is equally important for us as adults to learn the same.
8. You can’t believe everything you see on the Internet. The Internet could use more fact checkers—though I am not overly concerned about this. My elementary-aged kids already debate whether Wikipedia is a reliable source for school projects. Far more damaging, in my opinion, are the profiles we create representing ourselves online. We post our most glorious moments online, but hide the most painful. We build a facade of happiness, success, and an image of having it all together. But inside, we are as lost and broken as the next person.
Our online selves need more authenticity. And our children need to know the danger of comparing themselves to the rose-colored profiles created on social media.
9. Technology serves a purpose. It should solve problems. Purchasing technology purely for the sake of owning technology is a fool’s gold—and has run countless others into great debt. When it comes to buying (or using) technology, I want my children to be routinely asking the question, “What problem does it solve?” Because technology should make our lives easier and more efficient. And if a new technology is not solving an existing problem, it is only adding to them.
Parenting requires a healthy balance of humility and fierce resolve.
Are there any important strategies you have implemented with your kids that you think are important to add?
Katrina says
I work with children on the spectrum and the iPads and some of their educational apps are invaluable to me. My clients are engaged and learning on a whole new way. I agree it’s all about moderation but for some of my kids iPads and tablets are there voice and how the tell me what is going on in their world.
Tim Marchant says
Joshua, I saw your article because Brian Gardner shared it on Facebook, I happened to see it right after reading another article which was talking about a new campaign here in the UK by an organisation called the NSPCC (who are a fake charity funded by the state) which seems to set out to encourage fear.
Thank you, great article. Good points well made.
One thing I would add is that in my family we consciously make a decision to have a family meal, so we all get to eat together and talk together (no tech), we ask our children what they have been doing but mealtimes are for eating and being social, not for arguing or telling off. But we get to hear if they have tech support or any other issues. And we make sure that we get to be with them without everyone’s heading being down, looking at a screen. I think if you don’t communicate you risk ending up living with a houseful of strangers.
Judy says
In helping to raise my granddaughter, school takes care of her technology education for the most part. I however make it a point to –walk–color–play with her dolls–tell stories–play catch–etc. We cook together too. I want technology to be a part of her life, not all of it.
Anthony Fasano says
Thanks Joshua – my wife and I struggle with this at times – we don’t want to shield the kids but don’t want them to be addicted to screens. It is sad when we go to birthday parties and little kids are sitting there the whole time playing on their parents phones. We try to do research projects with the kids where they pick a few subjects and research them online – thanks!
Maud Crossing says
I lost my mobile phone – I am liberated.
Bob Pepe says
But how are you going to order the Pizza for dinner tonight????
Dr. Becca Ballinger says
Love this article! As a child psychologist and a modern mom to 2 teenagers, I consistently advise parents on my blog that technology is not something to be afraid of – rather, it provides another opportunity for smart parents to create limits and standards for technology use in the home that their kids will use for the rest of their lives.
Parents need to model appropriate behavior regarding their own use of technology so that their kids mimic this behavior in their on lives.
I will be sharing this post with my readers!
joshua becker says
Thanks Becca. I appreciate your expert contribution to this conversation. If there are things you would like to add or encourage us to think about, I’d welcome those too.
Bethany says
Yes, yes, yes on the point about honesty in number three! I’m surprised at how many parents are willing to let their children break other people’s rules and justify that choice, but who would not tolerate their own rules being broken and wouldn’t see any justification for it. Since when do we get to pick and choose which rules and authority figures to obey and which rules we’ll be dishonest about so that we can break them? Ay yi yi.
LL in Prescott says
Another Old Person Alert! When our son was in kindergarten, Apple IIE’s were introduced in his school. He learned and his dad and I learned right along side him. All 3 of us have had our own computers ever since. We have kept up with technology for over 30 years. As you might guess, our son has a high tech job and a wide education base. How does he spend his off time? Skiing, ice climbing, canyoneering all over the planet (just spent Christmas in Patagonia). As he was growing up, we mixed computer time with backpacking vacations, weekend projects (forts, zip lines), art galleries, family game nights. I just don’t see where the worry and the problem is. Keeping your kids close with constant conversations is the key. I found a Netflix series titled Blue Blood that showed a big NY family having these rousing Sunday dinners where every generation had input. I say, bring back the Sunday dinner!
Anne Lawson says
Great post! Thanks for bringing this important issue to the forefront for us parents who will have to navigate these (mostly uncharted) waters.
You’re right, technology isn’t going anywhere. So I want my kids to have both knowledge AND wisdom. Just like any other tool with potential addictive properties, communication is key. We have family dinners without devices present, we talk about bullying, time limits, self-control.
Unfortunately, I fear that while we are busy helping our children, we have failed to hold some social media outlets accountable. I see flagrant disregard for COPPA (Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act) and I think facebook, Google, Instagram, SnapChat and others need to be held accountable for the ways they violate privacy (or don’t respond to complaints quick enough). In the meantime, we teach our kids not to take pictures of their friends under 14 without their consent, not to post them online without their parent’s consent, and definitely not tag location when posting pictures. We also educate them about not using photos that would embarrass their friends or influence their future employers or educators.
A resource I have found helpful for information for both parents and kids on these issues is CommonSense Media.
Thanks again for opening up the conversation!
Queen Mary says
Full disclosure: Old person here!
I agree there’s no reason to discourage technology, but Alice’s article generated the usual snickers from the older generations — there is always something each generation of parents must face that is unique, so put on your big girl panties and get on with it, was how many felt about her article here in DC.
Bob Pepe’s points about cell phones becoming necessities is important is a valid one, especially for kids who want to call their parents to get out of bad situations. We were actually advised by a police officer friend to get our kids phones for that purpose and losing phone privileges were the cost of failing to be responsive when parental units called. To slackerjo’s question regarding the economics of technology, household economics and the youngster’s contribution thereto can be discussed when the child is ready, definitely in high school as schools in this area make it part of the curriculum, but 7th or 8th grade is not too early for them to understand a family phone plan with data and texting limitations, as well as electric bills — family energy footprints may be something kids want to discuss and how to reduce them — just think, an hour without technology — or time where technology is incorporated into conversation! In our case, where kids led the way finding the information! Actually, our kids just called us hippies.
Teaching honesty is an imperative, it will hold them in good stead through life. Face to face conversation is also important in business, reading faces is a skill required in work and video conferences are used more than teleconferences now for that very reason – people want to see the people they are working with, teleconferences are not satisfying enough — think Skype.
I don’t agree that technology only solves problems, it can also enhance one’s life. There are photo editing programs, music composing programs that I’m not sure I would describe as solving problems, but as enhancing something.
My 26 year old daughter learned to knit watching Youtube videos then sat with me while I read a book and she knitted. I have watched Youtube videos of mixed media art journaling to get ideas for my own art journaling then sat down and listened to music on an electronic device while painting, stamping, coloring, cutting paper.
My 28 year old son just received his PhD in Neuroscience for Education and one thing I’ve learned from him and my husband who has taught elementary school for 30 years is that kids learn differently. Some will learn from reading a book and little help, some will learn from a picture then reading a book, some from reading a book and then doing a problem from the book, some from listening to someone explain the problem while doing it on a wall in front of them, some from looking out a window at a squirrel eating a nut in the tree and thinking about the problem, some from doodling while someone talks about it. Some from touching blocks and putting them into places and walking around the blocks and the places until a shape is formed that is the answer.
Find the ways that works for you and your kids — you may actually have to pick two.