Note: This is a guest post from Denaye Barahona of Simple Families and the Simple Families Podcast.
As a child, I had the type of closet that you opened at your own risk. Because when you opened that door, only God knew what barrage of toys, clothes, and “stuff” would come barreling forth. I didn’t know it then, but as a kid–I needed minimalism.
I always said, “I am just messy, period.” Like it was some kind of personality trait: Messy. Cluttered. Overwhelmed. Anxious.
As a kid 30 years ago, I needed minimalism. But today…for my kids? Minimalism is essential.
I grew up in the time before Amazon and one-click ordering. This was the time before snack-catchers existed for children to carry around snacks and mindlessly eat around the clock. The time before kids needed iPads hanging over their carseats to survive a trip. The time before you could get virtually anything on television at a moment’s notice.
The kids of today need minimalism more than ever.
Childhood of today is beyond messy and cluttered. It’s chaotic. Research shows us the way we are raising kids in America today causes stress and anxiety to overwhelm both children and parents alike. As parents, we have so much going on that we have resorted to “convenience parenting” to hold it all together. If your kids won’t sit down for a meal, there’s a device for that. If your kids won’t ride quietly in the car, there’s an app for that.
As parents, we just try to survive. We struggle to hold it all together. Because it’s consuming. It’s heavy.
Raising kids today is heavier than any parent can handle.
I know this because I have two young children. They inherited my eyes and my hair. But they didn’t inherit my messy, overwhelmed traits. That is because “overwhelmed” is not a life sentence. It’s a choice–and I have made intentional choices for my kids and my family.
I have chosen to trade chaos for calm.
Not only is calm possible, but it’s also good for our children and our families. In my uncluttered, calm grown-up life, I have a Ph.D. in Child Development. I specialize in Family Wellness. I know what a young child needs to grow, develop, and thrive. And I know a few things about what it takes to bring harmony and happiness to a family unit.
So what’s the secret? Minimalism.
Minimalism isn’t just about getting rid of all your stuff (although I have done some of that too–and it’s pretty amazing). It’s about focusing your family on what really matters in life.
Joshua defines minimalism as “the intentional promotion of the things we most value and the removal of everything that distracts us from it.” In raising my kids as minimalists, I am doing just that.
I am trading the status quo of American childhood by choosing a specific value set for my children:
I Choose Gratitude
I am trading an abundance of holiday gifts for gratitude. My kids don’t get much in the way of wrapped, tangible gifts. Birthdays are about celebrating life. Valentine’s Day is about love. Easter is about religion. Christmas is about family. Life, love, religion, family–those are the real gifts. Wrapped gifts can mask the importance of the real gifts.
I Choose Family
I am trading three nights per week of kid’s activities for family dinners. Kids who eat dinner with family have higher levels of academic achievement and improved psychological well-being. I am a huge fan of underscheduling. There is nothing I love more than an evening or weekend with nothing planned. Because “nothing” is not nothing. “Nothing” means more time to intimately connect with family.
I Choose Health
I am trading boxes of prepared food with animated characters for locally grown produce. Research shows that the eating habits we instill in our children from the earliest days makes a lasting impact on the years to come. I skip the Goldfish crackers and the Bunny Fruit Snacks. My kids don’t eat all day long. This means they don’t carry snacks around the house or munch in their car seats. They sit down at the table and eat real food.
I Choose the Outdoors
I am trading screen time for outdoor play. I refuse to let my kids be sedentary. Playing outdoors offers children ample opportunity to exercise, learn respect for the environment, and appreciate natural beauty. By dialing back the screen time for kids, I can create more opportunities for active play that challenges my children’s social and motor skills. Kids (and adults) need to get up and get outside.
I Choose Conscious Consumerism
I am trading Amazon’s one-click ordering for buying intentionally. We think before we buy. We choose to fill our home with things we love, things that are beautiful, and things that are necessary. Plastic toys from the most recent hit movie don’t make the cut. Instead we choose classic, sustainable toys that will last for years. Toys that can be used for open-ended play by children of all ages, genders, and interests. Children grow up too fast, let’s choose toys that will grow with them.
I Choose Calm
By choosing minimalism, I am trading chaos for calm. I am my children’s first teacher. I am my children’s biggest role model. It all starts with me. I am making choices for my children that will impact their childhood and entire life in the years to come.
What are you choosing for your family?
***
Denaye Barahona is a Motherhood Coach. You can find her podcast and blog at Simple Families.
Liv says
It’s scheduling activities that I struggle with. My three year old does a trampolining class (recommends by his physiotherapist), swimming (good skill to have), football (he enjoys it and daddy takes him). He looks forward to each of these classes and has made some very good friends. There have been days he just doesn’t want to go, and so we don’t. It’s not always easy but I think these classes we (including my son) have carefully selected are beneficial.
Denaye Barahona says
As long as they are not overwhelming you or your child–I think you are on the right track. Following your children and taking cues from them is the most important thing.
Marilee Congo says
Thankyou for this inspiring encouragement! As a grandmother of two precious little people, this absolutely resonated! I have done quite a bit of research, reading and teaching around the power of the family table. It is THEE most profound gift we can give our children.
Denaye Barahona says
Thanks for your kind words Marilee. It’s lovely to hear from a grandparent–because I think many of the parents of today struggle with how to talk to grandparents about making these changes their children’s lives. I hope you can continue to spread this message and insight into your community of friends and colleagues.
Steph T says
Yes to all of the above! Beautifully written to inspire and help consumers understand why pacifying our children is unhealthy for them (and for us).
FYI – In the spirit of The More of Less, you may find it interesting that this is my single blog subscription. The articles you share continue to encourage me to keep my home, my life and my schedule clutter-free so I can focus on the more important things.
Denaye Barahona says
I am so glad you found this useful Steph! I also agree–that if you only have one email subscription, this is a good one to have :)
Jenn says
I love this article and it’s very inline with the tone I’m trying to set for our family. The problem is that over the years, we’ve received so many gifts that our house is overrun with toys. Once in a while I purge/organize the playroom and only THEN do the kids play in it (when it’s a mess, they don’t even go in it). My question is how do I get my kids on board with making a conscious choice to give some toys away that they actually enjoy, in order to make more room for the toys that they like BEST and use MOST…I want to help them understand why we’re getting rid of things so that they aren’t emotionally scarred by the act. I know they will benefit in the end, but how do I make a 4 and 6 year old understand that…Basically, it’s for their own good and benefit but I don’t want them to instead be traumatized by losing items they really enjoy because they’re too young to understand why they should. I’d greatly appreciate any advice!
Denaye Barahona says
These are great questions Jenn. I feel like sometimes we need to make hard decision and choices for our families. When it comes time to purging toys and belongings that aren’t adding value to their lives–it is VERY difficult for them to understand.
Heck, it’s even difficult for a lot of grown adults to understand.
I think the most important thing to reiterate is that this is a HAPPY change and that they didn’t do anything wrong–this is not a punishment. The tone that you set will really be a deal breaker.
Good luck!
Denaye
Elizabeth says
Jenn, I’m not sure if this will work for you, but this is what I did:
I took EVERYTHING out of the toy room in the basement. Literally everything. I left the Legos and my daughter’s American Girl doll items out along with one box of crayons, markers, coloring/activity books and a bit of plain paper. (I have an IKEA shelf to house the items that were left out.) I bought totes and boxed up the Little People toys and Strawberry Shortcake toys that my kids didn’t often play with, but I didn’t want to party with them altogether. Minimal things in the toy room kept it tidy and about once a week we would get out either the Little People items or SS toys. The kids would play with them and it was like Christmas when I got them down! Then we would box it all back up in the totes. I’ve even swapped a tote with someone else and it’s like free toy rental! (Perfect since the kids tire of toys easily.) No one misses anything I’ve gotten rid of and it’s not a battle to get them to tidy the mess, since there’s not much to pick up! ;)
Brittany Kenney says
I understand the issue of receiving TOO much. My two children are only grandchildren on my side and my husband’s and the influx of toys is dizzying. . .even for days such as Halloween or Valentine’s Day. I created a ‘new rule’ this past year. No toys are taken home. So if a grandparent buys a toy, it stays at their house. Quite frankly, our home is too small to keep up with the constant clutter and my kids only seem to play with legos and art. I literally got rid of all the other toys and there was no issue because they played with them so far and few in between legos and art. My kids also cannot have sweets, so this seems to be a bone of contention on days like Halloween, Valentine’s Day and Easter and I think my parents and in-laws feel obligated to buy my kids something because they cannot have all the candy. . . I compromised by asking that for birthdays and Christmas (all other holidays do NOT need gifts, in my opinion), please buy ‘experiences’. We homeschool, so JoAnn Fabric sewing/knitting/etc. classes, art classes, museum passes, theater/ballet tickets, YMCA memberships. . . the list is endless of things that, not only would my children enjoy immensely, but bring enrichment to their lives. I understand the sentiment of wanting everything for your child, but I am a college professor and let me tell you something about this generation of students. . . they are barely functioning. I could spoon-feed the entire course to them and they would still fail because they were never taught how to ‘function’. They live for instant gratification and I’ll be darned if my children turn into this, as well. I know this sounds harsh, but we are truly doing a disservice to the next generations.
Karen T. says
GREAT idea! No toys taken home. “If a grandparent (or aunt or uncle) buys a toy, it stays at their house.” I’m guessing this cuts down on the number of toys they buy for your kids? Unless they don’t mind huge toy clutter themselves, I would think this would curb the number, size, and frequency of gifts.
Liz says
This is a GREAT idea – I will just need to get up the courage to suggest it to family members! My in-laws are lovely but very sensitive, and absolutely inundate us with things we don’t need despite our frequent pleading to stop. Literally to the point where I’m fantasizing about moving out of state to stop them from visiting every week and bringing more Stuff into our small home. Right now I just put new things in the Goodwill pile, I have less guilt about it than my husband does, but I realized that I can’t change their behavior (clearly) but I can change my reaction to it (from total annoyance to getting more stuff to action in just getting rid of it). But suggesting that they bring it back to their house is a fantastic idea! If I offer their house vs a donation pile in our house, I think they’ll choose their house. :)
Anna Schroeder says
Yes! This a wonderful post! These are all huge reasons that we have chosen to live more minimalistic. Living with less and being more purposeful has been better for our whole family. I think my 3 year old can build just about anything out of duplos at this point! I’m a better wife and mom. Home life is more peaceful. Some might think we are boring, but I’d rather be boring than overwhelmed and exausted anyday!
Denaye Barahona says
Yes to all these things Anna! Thanks for reading :)
Erin says
I loove this!
Because “nothing” is not nothing. “Nothing” means more time to intimately connect with family.
We make a point tonplan “nothing” time into our week as much as possible. These are all great reminders! Each one nudging me more and more in the right direction for our family! Thank you!
Denaye Barahona says
Thanks for reading Erin! I am glad I am not the only one who appreciates “nothingness”.
Cecil says
Please increase the type size of your newsletter. Difficult to read on cell phones. Thanks.
Susan Vogt says
Yea! to Denaye Barahona’s post about minimalism for kids. I’ve been promoting this for years but it’s especially nice that someone who is currently in the active parenting stage of life, who also has impressive credentials and knowledge, is promoting this message. My own kids (now mostly in their 30’s) didn’t always appreciate our efforts to live more simply and with less consumerism when they were young. Sometimes they just figured we were poor, cheap, or weird. In talking with them now as young adults, however, some of it has stuck and they say that in hindsight they appreciate our “minimalist” style of parenting -even though that word was not yet invented. For ideas about extending minimalism beyond the early years of parenting, see my Living Lightly blog, http://www.susanvogt.net/blog/
Denaye Barahona says
Thanks Susan! I am anticipating that my kids will also think we are “poor, cheap, and weird” at some point in their lives…I love to hear someone on the other side affirm that they will in fact come to appreciate it!
Andrea says
This is so great to hear! I’m currently at the stage where my kids think I am a “cheap weird hippie”, and it’s very discouraging. It’s becomes a bit challenging once they’re teenagers and question everything.
Sun says
I grew up “poor” but didn’t really know it until I was an older teen, and I didn’t mind because by then, home life was more stable. I imagine most children would prefer a stable/safe/healthy home environment over an abundance of “stuff” if they couldn’t have both. I had a favorite doll and got 2 more over the years. I didn’t need any more! We played outside a lot and loved it. We were so creative and adventurous. My siblings and I worked hard to do well at whatever activities we were able to do-usually free activities such as clubs and competitions where the only cost was occasional short-distance travel bunking up dorm style. I remember there were times we were told we weren’t going, and I didn’t realize why, but some of those times we were able to go in the end when someone anonymously paid our trip, and I had thought my parents simply changed their minds. ;) No wonder I now find clutter so overwhelming as I didn’t have to deal with it before with few things and frequent moves. I feel blessed in this moment to have the choice to attempt to learn to live with less because we believe it is better for our family.
C says
Oh and they will, in more ways than you may know at this moment. I’m not big on cliches but in life Less is defintely More. Over the last year we have begun our journey to Rightsizing. It has been such a relief and we miss nothing. Keep up your lifestyle your values are more important than anything material.
Richard says
As an older father in my early sixties, I remember those days when I was a kid and I got clothes as a present, well sometimes a toy too, but money wasn’t quite as Superfluous as it is today and by default we would usually have no choice other than sit indoors and read and do homework, or go outside and play sports, with my buddies in the neighborhood . playing Outdoors, me and my brother, would be either playing football or basketball, with the neighborhood guys, and if that wasn’t happening we’d be on our bicycles cruising. I would love to cruise everywhere. That’s the only way I could get up to the stores that had all the toys to look at and dream about. I even remember us sitting on the floor of the store playing with their army men and tanks etcetera, at least until the clerk would come walking down the aisle, which rarely happened.
So we had a football, and a basketball, and those sports were excellent. We would play hard until dinner time then come in and always have dinner with my parents, my brother, and sister. All of us around the table, all at the same time, every evening, while mom brought the dishes of food to the table. Really those were the best times when I think back. We were lucky enough to have a dad that made enough money, so Mom didn’t have to go to work . She was a professional housewife, and mother. TODAY, kids do snack way too much. Unfortunately I let my kid talk me into buying too much junk food so it’s time to put my foot down and get him off the sofa, where he usually eats his lunch and dinner and breakfast on his days off school. I realize that his entire social life is playing army or Star Wars , online games, with his friends he knows not by face, but online. This is okay except for the fact, and a really big fact, that he’s getting out of shape, and needs to get outside and play with the basketball and hoop, I installed specially for him. However, he says it’s really boring, and so I watch him play his games which are very exciting I will admit, so what is a dad to do? Unfortunately my wife, now my ex, walked away from the marriage and we now share custody, so I don’t get to see him very often and when I do, I don’t really like to discipline him a whole lot. As he gets older, he’s now 13, and he’s beginning to talk about girls.
I hope he’ll be outdoors here in a year or so, and will take a second look at his bicycle, his basketball, football, rollerblades, skateboard, ETC., all those boring games.
Of horse course when I was a kid, I found out that ultimately the best game was chasing women.
I guess that was one of those lifelong games, that Miss Hanabarbara was talking about.
I’m just hoping that his girlfriend won’t be one of his Xbox associates. We’ll see.
Susan Vogt says
Richard, you have life experience and not all of it has been easy or pleasant. (I guess that’s true for all of us.) You know the value of outdoor play. Why not share that with your 13 year old, rather than just observing him not playing basketball, etc. I’m also in my 60s and when our grandchildren come over, I shoot baskets with them. It’s not too late. Check out the book, “Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference” for more ideas.
Sun says
Ah, I remember those wild and free outdoor days fondly! My children play outdoors every day, but they are young and do not go beyond the fenced in yard without me even though I roamed freely at some of their ages. So much is different now. I encourage you to find a family with young teens that do love to play outside. If they live near you or near him, even better! Maybe they will have girls that like to play outdoors too. Just nonchalantly have them over for a cookout and have the basketball, football, whiffle ball, kick ball, Frisbee, nerf etc. handy and see what develops. It never fails that when children visit us, the yard games begin, and parents are astounded to watch their children forget about their phones and spend hours and hours running around in our yard only taking short breaks to catch their breath before another game begins. We just had a family visit while on vacation, and they have seen and done amazing things, been on rides and amazing adventures, but their children said their favorite time was spent learning new ball games in our yard with our children.
Tony W says
You remind me as a kid I would clean my room by throwing everything in the closet. LOL. I agree kids of today need to slow down and be part of the family. Family time is essential.
Denaye Barahona says
Yep! In the closet OR under the bed. :)
laura ann says
When baby boomers were kids, they played outside till dark. Softball, tag football, bike racing, outdoor games never ending. Toys: several dolls, doll clothes, marbles, coloring books, board games, cards, bikes, etc. As oldest of four (many couples had more kids then) hubby and I chose to be child free and minimalist. I chose to work and we had to move around in military. It would be hard today (kids have so much stuff) to be minimalist and being parents. Most families are loaded with stuff and never seem to have enough.
Ms. Montana says
We kept out 1 or 2 toys for each child to play with now (and they are responsible to keep it picked up.) Half were gotten rid of, the other have is in the laundry room, where I can swap out the toys. With our 5 kids, I find more options create more chaos, not more fun. With just one toy to focus on, even my 4 years olds can play for an hour plush and stay engaged.
Denaye Barahona says
Yes! I am a huge advocate for less toys. It creates so many opportunities for creativity and growth.
Nicole says
Really so inspiring THANKYOU
Its not that I dont know this stuff, just my conscionce wasnt looking strong enough .. this is a great reminder your message!
Nic says
The problem I see is that you are not teaching your children to live in the world that has developed around them. Simply avoiding everything is not moving forward. It’s avoiding it. You could live in a tent in the woods, catch your own food and make your own shoes, pretending shops and cars etc don’t exists. Whilst I agree that good parenting is not shoving an iPad in a kids hand with a takeaway, I believe it Ian important to teach children to live in the world where these things exist and choose to do the good stuff. My daughter has an iPad. She takes it on long trips in the car. However most of the time it is left on the side, she is too busy making fairy houses in he garden or playing with her dolls. I’ve taught her to appreciate both. Not hiden her from the reality we live in.
Maria says
I agree that a balance is necessary, but avoiding iPads is hardly equivalent to eschewing civilization entirely!
I’m in my twenties and I don’t see any need for an iPad /tablet in my life. I think that getting very motion sick as a child turned out to be good for me… I couldn’t read or anything in the car without getting sick, so I learned to appreciate watching the scenery and being alone with my thoughts without being “bored”
Sun says
I had the motion sickness thing too. I have all boys and find they need to play outside every day for hours. Girls do too, and I find that when girls play here they are happy and exhausted from all the fresh air and movement. Someone just told me their children have had more fun here than anywhere, and all they did here was play hard in the yard.
Children will be exposed to all the technology anyway. No need to provide it in the car and at home for fear they will be left behind or miss out.
Karen T. says
Same for me, Maria! Looking at the scenery, humming tunes of my own creation — that’s how I endured car rides that otherwise made me sick.
Sandie says
All children need to learn to be alone with their thoughts and how to entertain themselves.
L. Farley says
Hi, I practice exactly the same at home andv thec reason is not to keep our kids out of reality. For my part, it’s proven that our fast-pace life is detrimental to some children. No iPad in the car taught my kids patient, mindfulness, and observation. No snacking allows kids to be hungry for healthy family meals, and prevent obesity. No tv allows children to develop imagination, create more opportunity for movements (brain development), social interaction, etc…it’s all about providing children with the best opportunities to develop appropriately.
Robert Ainge says
Think you are missing the main points, it’s nothing to do with denying reality. Read the post again with a different mind set!
Danna says
What strategies do you use for gifts that family members want to give for birthdays and Christmas? I try to convey our minimalist perspective and suggest experience based gifts or give specific ideas but ultimately we receive many toys….
Denise says
Same here… my parents have caught on and take the kids on “experience” trips but still can’t help but pass through the gift shop…
I’ve resorted to the fact that it is enjoyable for people to gift but that doesn’t mean that we have to keep the gifts for eternity.
My kids are 2 and 4 and early on I allowed them to play with the toys but observed which ones weren’t getting played with and would purge those. Now I have my kids help me choose. They are old enough to recognize that they are missing so I want them to understand what we are doing.
Lucy Carr says
I asked my children to select a charity, then when it came to their parties, we asked for donations which they would then give to their chosen Charity. It gave them a real sense of achievement. However, it did result in some parents feeling sorry for my children and both buying a gift and gifting money…. You can’t win them all!
Mary ann says
It us always a good idea to ask the grandparents to contribute to a savings account for their grandchildren in lieu of toys.
Lee says
I put on the birthday invitation a limit of $x (the same as the child’s age) – please create or recycle! As her birthday is right after Christmas I look forward to re-gifts of double-ups and hand-me-down clothes, or thoughtful gifts from the op shop!! ????
Judy says
VERY wise!!! Love it!!! :)