Note: This is a guest post from Denaye Barahona of Simple Families and the Simple Families Podcast.
As a child, I had the type of closet that you opened at your own risk. Because when you opened that door, only God knew what barrage of toys, clothes, and “stuff” would come barreling forth. I didn’t know it then, but as a kid–I needed minimalism.
I always said, “I am just messy, period.” Like it was some kind of personality trait: Messy. Cluttered. Overwhelmed. Anxious.
As a kid 30 years ago, I needed minimalism. But today…for my kids? Minimalism is essential.
I grew up in the time before Amazon and one-click ordering. This was the time before snack-catchers existed for children to carry around snacks and mindlessly eat around the clock. The time before kids needed iPads hanging over their carseats to survive a trip. The time before you could get virtually anything on television at a moment’s notice.
The kids of today need minimalism more than ever.
Childhood of today is beyond messy and cluttered. It’s chaotic. Research shows us the way we are raising kids in America today causes stress and anxiety to overwhelm both children and parents alike. As parents, we have so much going on that we have resorted to “convenience parenting” to hold it all together. If your kids won’t sit down for a meal, there’s a device for that. If your kids won’t ride quietly in the car, there’s an app for that.
As parents, we just try to survive. We struggle to hold it all together. Because it’s consuming. It’s heavy.
Raising kids today is heavier than any parent can handle.
I know this because I have two young children. They inherited my eyes and my hair. But they didn’t inherit my messy, overwhelmed traits. That is because “overwhelmed” is not a life sentence. It’s a choice–and I have made intentional choices for my kids and my family.
I have chosen to trade chaos for calm.
Not only is calm possible, but it’s also good for our children and our families. In my uncluttered, calm grown-up life, I have a Ph.D. in Child Development. I specialize in Family Wellness. I know what a young child needs to grow, develop, and thrive. And I know a few things about what it takes to bring harmony and happiness to a family unit.
So what’s the secret? Minimalism.
Minimalism isn’t just about getting rid of all your stuff (although I have done some of that too–and it’s pretty amazing). It’s about focusing your family on what really matters in life.
Joshua defines minimalism as “the intentional promotion of the things we most value and the removal of everything that distracts us from it.” In raising my kids as minimalists, I am doing just that.
I am trading the status quo of American childhood by choosing a specific value set for my children:
I Choose Gratitude
I am trading an abundance of holiday gifts for gratitude. My kids don’t get much in the way of wrapped, tangible gifts. Birthdays are about celebrating life. Valentine’s Day is about love. Easter is about religion. Christmas is about family. Life, love, religion, family–those are the real gifts. Wrapped gifts can mask the importance of the real gifts.
I Choose Family
I am trading three nights per week of kid’s activities for family dinners. Kids who eat dinner with family have higher levels of academic achievement and improved psychological well-being. I am a huge fan of underscheduling. There is nothing I love more than an evening or weekend with nothing planned. Because “nothing” is not nothing. “Nothing” means more time to intimately connect with family.
I Choose Health
I am trading boxes of prepared food with animated characters for locally grown produce. Research shows that the eating habits we instill in our children from the earliest days makes a lasting impact on the years to come. I skip the Goldfish crackers and the Bunny Fruit Snacks. My kids don’t eat all day long. This means they don’t carry snacks around the house or munch in their car seats. They sit down at the table and eat real food.
I Choose the Outdoors
I am trading screen time for outdoor play. I refuse to let my kids be sedentary. Playing outdoors offers children ample opportunity to exercise, learn respect for the environment, and appreciate natural beauty. By dialing back the screen time for kids, I can create more opportunities for active play that challenges my children’s social and motor skills. Kids (and adults) need to get up and get outside.
I Choose Conscious Consumerism
I am trading Amazon’s one-click ordering for buying intentionally. We think before we buy. We choose to fill our home with things we love, things that are beautiful, and things that are necessary. Plastic toys from the most recent hit movie don’t make the cut. Instead we choose classic, sustainable toys that will last for years. Toys that can be used for open-ended play by children of all ages, genders, and interests. Children grow up too fast, let’s choose toys that will grow with them.
I Choose Calm
By choosing minimalism, I am trading chaos for calm. I am my children’s first teacher. I am my children’s biggest role model. It all starts with me. I am making choices for my children that will impact their childhood and entire life in the years to come.
What are you choosing for your family?
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Denaye Barahona is a Motherhood Coach. You can find her podcast and blog at Simple Families.
About Joshua Becker
Hi everyone! This is an interesting read. I agree but In the same time disagree. No family is the same and no kid is the same. Some things work better for some families but for others they don’t. I can say I had a free worry childhood, for most part I enjoyed it, very minimalistic to say at least. But, when I was little, I always dreamed about being surprised with a really nice gift, with something I really wanted. Of course it never happened. I had to share everything with my brother, which is good for so many reasons, but sometimes I just wanted my parent to treat me with something special. I think as long as children know that they are loved and that if they work so hard it’s ok to get what they really wanted, if it’s age appropriate. And just thinking that every day we live is given to us why not make the best out of it. I think the kids need to learn that we are here for those who are less fortunate, those who might struggle with health, financial problems or any other struggle and there are many. I agree with the statement that we should celebrate holidays and birthdays in the way that we go back to basics ….
Good luck to all parents out there, it is not an easy job but for sure is the most rewarding one!
Beautiful. I think it is important that a child can have a toy he cares for and can hold on as a friend. It is much more when he has to merit by his own effort. My sister teaches in Middle School and has been quite aware of it and gave her son a present – on his Bday wish list – he asked for weeks. Now at 21 he still have the Pikachu plush in his bed (just as an ornament) and blushed when she talked about it. Yes, something never gets old.
To grow up in a country with tremendous abundance is gift enough.
Gratitude instilled is the best gift we can give our kids.
My father always asked, are you glad I brought you to America?
I didn’t know until I became an adult and traveled and saw how fortunate we are to live in this country.
Abundant clean water , food, opportunity….you name it.
I full heartedly agree with this article…we are their number one role model…teach them well.❤️
In the days that Super Nintendo was popular, my kids begged and begged for that gaming system and back then it wasn’t just a no, we simply could not afford it. They had to pretend bc we didn’t have much for toys either. And now my 5 kids ages 23-35 said THANK YOU mom! When they’d hang out with older friends everyone sat around the tube. My kids said they couldn’t stand that and came home instead. Back then I worked outside tending gardens for a couple for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. They could bring one toy. That couple had a swing set that got well used and the owner loved the dirt patch sitting under a lone swing on a tree. We’d pack picnic lunches and on the hot days we’d splurge on a cold can of pop. My kids to this day loved it. The learned to pretend, to play hide and seek or sit beside me either planting or weeding. No one fought. Now I get to sit at the table and listen to their point of views from those days and no one negative thing was said….
Today they call that tough love. But that was the best thing for them. I feel this generation is going to regret how they are raising kids. Less is more, it really is.
I’m confused. This article is pointing out the downside of consumerism and haggling iPads from car seats, but then has links to Amazon to buy those things.
I am totally onboard with fostering a clutter-free childhood. I am curious to know more about what toys you have for your children that can “grow with them” as you say.
Love this article. You’re definitely on the right track! The family dinner is crucial; keep it up, no matter what.
My family is currently transitioning to this lifestyle. It is a challenge with 2 small kids. It is a way of thinking and doing (or not doing). Over-riding the society influence that we are so pressured with today is so hard. I appreciate your inspiring words and wish you best along your journey.
Great Article! My question is how do you balance this minimalistic desire with other people buying gifts for you and your children? My daughter is young still so I can still get away with either returning things or donating them straight away. As she gets older though, how do you pass on the caring sentiment that came with the gifts while passing on the gifts? Open communication would be great but how do you communicate desires without coming across as presumptuous or controlling!
Honestly – we have gone to the mattresses on this one and it was hard and painful for a couple years but it was worth it in the end. You do, as a parent, have a right to ask your children’s gift-givers to give within moderation and stick to your guns if they won’t listen. (You may also have to pay the price, but for me, fewer toys clogging up my house was worth it) What’s worked for us was requesting 1-2 gifts per kid per holiday, focusing on quality and/or ‘bigger’ gifts over a million small ones, and thinking outside the toy box. One year I asked the gift-givers who struggle in this area to give my kids craft consumable stuff – new crayons, colored pencils, paper, paints, etc. The kids thought it was awesome. This year, now that I’m thinking about it, I might ask them to focus on the outdoors consumables – bubbles, chalk, that kind of thing. This past Christmas, I told them to give our 1yo a sleeping bag, since the other 3 have one and she doesn’t.
I probably am controlling in this way but I’ve decided I don’t care because it’s MY house and *I* have to live in it and clean it and make my kids pick up their toys in it, and my kids only play with the same 5 toys anyway. I think if you present your case politely and kindly, as well as making it clear that this is an expectation, not a ‘it’d be great if’, and then be willing to stand up for it if you have to, at the very least you did what you could. Velvet over steel.
We’ve had to do the same with my children’s grandparents. We live in a 2-bedroom apartment so are able to use simple lack of space as a reason for not wanting too many gifts for our children, but it’s still a work in progress. I like the idea of asking for consumables as those usually need replenished a few times a year. We’ve also stopped having big birthday parties, so that cuts down on the number of gifts from friends.
Someone else asked about “sustainable” toys. All kinds of building toys have legs in my house – all shapes & sizes of wood blocks, and Duplo/Lego. Magnatiles are also a recent big hit. Dress up clothes & pretend play items like a doctor kit, play tools, play kitchen. A wood train set. Pretty much anything that allows for open-ended creation and imaginative play. My girls both love My Little Pony and while they are plastic toys based on a TV show, they get a lot of use and allow for imaginative play so I don’t consider them to be a waste. Board games are also great when children get old enough for them because they’re something you can play together as a family. The things that usually get tossed aside after the novelty wears off are electronic “learning toys” because their use is limited to what they’re programmed to do.
Gifts in the form of experiences, such as a year membership to the local museum, YMCA, gymnastics or piano lessons, a movie theater pass, a magazine subscription or even a weekend with Grandma and Grandpa… you get the idea. These are the gifts that keep on giving. Worth more than just a bauble that is soon forgotten in the pile….
The key for me here is parenting with intention. We all are parenting, some parents had it placed on us and others choose to be parents. But all of us need to realize the habits we instill or allow our children to do will affect their lives when they are adults. Look at the habit and ask the question, “would this habit be beneficial to my child’s adulthood?” Great inspiring post. Thanks for sharing.
I guess kids are not taught that for it is not part of the dominant culture of our society. It’s My Opinion Some Time It’s Matter Person to Person
Your article reminds me that “a decluttered home is a decluttered mind”. I have recently introduced “gadget-free days” in the house which applies to the whole family.
I actually didn’t like this article. Most of the articles here are great, and the substance of this was good… But the tone! So superior. It really turned me off. It’s not about being better than other parents by being minimalist, and that’s what this article left me feeling. The other end of competing by having the newest and most… And having the least.. is still competing. Let’s stop competing. I think it was mostly tone that threw me, but it really threw me.
I found it judgemental of people who choose to parent a different way. I think it’s fine to draw by positive example but not to trash other people’s approaches. I don’t believe there’s a definite right or wrong for each child or family and each is free to find their own sense of balance.
I agree with Natasha. I found this article annoying, and not because I don’t agree with a lot of the ideas in it.
I have to agree, a little bit too much “I’m better than you” tone.
What types of lasting toys do you recommend?
I kept Fisher Price learning toys when our son was little and he never broke one. I get them out when our grandchildren come that are now 9 and 5 (1 girl and 1 boy). They loved them for they have to do things that make them… not just push a button and they do the work for them. Saw the oldest letting the youngest do the letters and numbers and then she would grade him and brag on him????❤️
Toys that have lasted for us include wooden blocks, trains, cars, animals and a FEW Legos. (We do have too many LEGOS, but I’m working on that.) Dress-up clothes (a cape, a tunic for knights or adventure-ers like Robin Hood, something sparkly) also last a number of years. My younger child is 11 and the dress-up still gets used, as do the Legos at 14.
Im very agree about comment. The children need many activities out door and contact with nature every day. They are like you. Are people no statue help then to be best person.
The first thing to do is to get rid of that smartphone!
OMG, AMEN. Way too young. Is just a babysitter and is distracting and harmful is so many ways. Phones are for adults, not children!!
Beautifully written.
We cleared out about 75% of our stuff last year and it made a huge difference in our home and we were far from hoarders. We have recently discovered the local toy library and go there nearly every weekend. The kids love it and it meant we could clear out more of their toys from home knowing that we can now loan them instead.
Our 4yo discovered binoculars and a few bird books. He’s now hooked on birdwatching and it’s a fabulous free family activity. His life has just changed forever.
So many wonderful sentiments! My favorite is, “That is because “overwhelmed” is not a life sentence. It’s a choice.” Really, it is. We can choose to opt-out of busyness for the sake of our families.
My 18-year-old son was just telling me the other day about how he simply has too many “things” to choose from. He realizes too much is available too often. It can be so difficult to make decisions when we are faced with so many choices. Therefore, we too, pursue simple over chaotic.
Quite informative.Thanks for sharing this information.
great teaching.thank you
Most mornings when my granddaughter who lives with me comes into my room to cuddle she says ‘i want to watch something’ I always reply let’s listen to the birds…then I say can you see the bird in the tree?…here the wind? Watch the clouds, sun, rain…. so much to cuddle with in the morning xx
I love this, thank you for sharing!
Minimalism is necessary for everyone regardless of your age group.
You got me at Minimalist. Love this article, this movement and keep learning about how to make a more simple, happy and fulfilling life experience for my kids and family.
As a new grandmother, I love TIME SPENT with my grandson. To watch and learn thru his eyes is my fountain of youth. I get to relive TIME SPENT with my two sons who are grown.
Gods nature is the most beautiful playground! As the child’s hearing developes ~ teach them to listen to the birds, feel the wind blow, see the sky is blue and the moon can be full. Things money can’t buy. I want to thank my daughter-in-law, Tiffany, for sharing the article with those you love. I love you. Dotene
This is beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing this. I love my son’s grandma (my mother-in-law) but she showers him with toys/gifts on a nearly weekly basis, and I want him to cherish her for their time spent together, not because she buys him things!
I think it’s all about balance. Yes— growing up, I played outside all around the neighborhood for hours upon hours. In retrospect… I am lucky to be here and I know God’s hand was with me! It wasn’t a safe neighborhood @@
Perhaps because of where I grew up, I am a bit more paranoid.
Is it possible that some parents would rather have their kids inside the house for the most part because they are safe? They build a world around the home with video games and toys, etc. ???
Just a thought—- :)
Agreed. I’m just trying to keep the kids safe learning, and entertained at home.
Great article. We try our best to do this with our 4 year old son. He gets only one present only for his birthday and Christmas and nothing else in between. Lots of books though. He’s had a first birthday party only which was really a milestone for us as parents. No party since then but knows how much he is loved and celebrated on his birthday and everyday.
For my son’s 4th birthday last year, instead of gifts, his friends each brought 3 Euros which they put into a birthday piggie bank. My son used this money to buy one “special” present. When we bought the present, we took a picture of him playing with it and sent it to everyone with a short thank-you e-mail. My son was happy with his gift and we were also happy because we didn’t have a surplus of “stuff” kicking around our small apartment.
How did you word that invite? I have been wanting to do this but haven’t figured out how to get others on board.
YES! I might just add that we give our kids experiences for their birthdays: special train rides or visits to the zoo. The kind of experience we don’t want to afford on a regular basis and the kind we can do as a family.
This is a great idea! I want to start something like this before my kids are old enough to really start associating birthdays/holidays with consumerism. I want their birthdays to be a special “me” day, not filled with plastic toys that will soon be forgotten.
Loved this! Convicting but thoughtfully and humbly written from the heart. Everything makes so much sense. I have 2 & 4-year-olds and am 6 months along with our third. Due to a rough pregnancy, I regret that our current screen time is higher at the moment than I’d care to admit. This will change – it NEEDS to! I hate how it affects them.
I do have a question!! I’d love some input/ideas on sustainable toys. I’m constantly donating their unused toys/gadgets. (Family always dotes with cluttersome nickknacks… ugh.)
Thanks again for the solid read.
I guess kids are not taught that for it is not part of the dominant culture of our society. We see it all the time during Christmas and birthdays in movies – kids get a lot of gifts and stuff. They equate stuff with happiness. And this does not even stop until they reach their teenage years. It is therefore important to educate them early on. This way, they’ll realize that life’s value is not in ‘stuff’.
Parents who need to have the newset of everything. Its sad that so many children can’t entertain themselves in the car or when dining out. We have replaced singing and reading, coloring etc. With electronics as entertainment, then wonder why they gave the attention spans of gnats at school.
It’s not just parents , it’s the pressures that we get from our kids and their peers.
I agree here! I refuse to get my daughter an i- phone in middle school. I’m not giving into the outside influences. Middle school students are not socially mature enough to have such a device. Yet alone handle the stranger danger it causes. What are these parents thinking? Or are they not?
She went to a game at school and all her friends were on their phones at the game, really! My husband and I discuss whether or not have her friends put it away when they are over so they can learn to just play. I’m at a loss
Good for you and totally agree… the rule in my friend’s house is the parents have phones and then there’s one non smart phone for the teen kids to take turns having when they’re out on a date or something, then it goes back in the basket on top of the microwave when they get home. I think when kids can get a job to pay for their own phone (non smart of course) and all it’s services then that’s when they get to have a phone and not before. If you’re not old enough to pay for a phone yourself, you’re not old enough to have a phone, period.
And you’r kid probably wants a phone because everyone else is so involved in theirs that she can’t get anybody to talk with unless she’s part if their online world. It’s probably a big cycle. I see nothing wrong with having a phone basket by the door for freinds to hear their mom calling, but not be over gadgeted.
Amen Amen amen…will be sharing this post far and wide, hopefully sow seeds.Thank you.., so sensible, so practical, it makes me want to hang up my grandma boots and go back to being a mom again. I take this and make it part of my life. Bless you for sharing
I would really like to see minimalism, for both adults and children become the norm.
“Life, love, religion, family–those are the real gifts. Wrapped gifts can mask the importance of the real gifts.” This is such a profound reality.
Great article!!!
Some good, plain advice here.
I can see the benefits for the whole family. Less clutter, less stress. Less money spent on things. Maybe more spent on experiences or a parent needing to work a bit less. Our society is one of chaos and stress. Great article.
Thank you for this great article! Easier said dibs done. We as parents are just as guilty. When our Daughter was four.. she wanted nothing more but to play games with us. Any board games, Amy face to face interaction was her favorites! So I did read to her a lot! Played I spy, singing, dancing, art etc… when she hits 11-12-13 we got her an iPhone, IPad, laptops, using our Computer to do homework. Things were changing so quickly like overnight! That’s how we all ended up playing with our iPhones, during hone time, outing time, in the car. I’m not talking about Television here,,and that’s another big problem that we’re having too. Anyway, our daughter room hasn’t been cleaned since December, and I remembered because I cleaned it for her! ???? We haven’t been truthful to her about getting her new dresser to put all her clothing away from the floor and from her bed. Cluttering is everywhere in her room. I’m failing as a wife and as a mother. This article reminding me that it’s not too late to fixed things and make a better family time for our family. Any suggestions please feel free to speak up.
Thank you!
You aren’t failing as a wife and mother. I know how you feel because your comment has brought tears to my eyes. We can all make improvements but I assure there are many things you do right. You obviously care enough to look at where things could be better and that says a lot. Be kind to yourself – parenting is a hard hard job.
Thank you for your comments and your empathy for me.
You are not failing as a mom or a wife. Parenting these days are hard.
I did ‘Konmari’ (Japanese art of tidying up) and it did wonders in our life. It teaches us to keep.only what ‘spark joy’ in our life, and discard everything else.
Thank you for your nice suggestion. I’ll look into that.
You are not failing as a wife and mother!! You have a teenage girl! She is her own person. If she wants to have her room be totally messy then so be it (as long as there’s not moldy food or something lying around). All you can do at that age is lead by example, keeping the common spaces and your room relatively clutter-free. There will come a point when she’ll probably get annoyed at the mess (because she can’t find something she wants, or is embarrassed to have a friend over) and wants to clean it up herself. Don’t clean it for her. No teenager ever died from a messy room. Just let her be however she wants to be in there. (My kids are young, but I vividly remember being a teenage girl…my room was a total mess and my parents literally never even went in there…now I am a very clutter/mess-averse adult, just like both my parents always were!)
I’m going add a caveat to this comment. A messy room is her choice IF you’ve taught her how to de-clutter and that she can /has the right to choose to get rid of items with your permission. Sometimes the problem is too overwhelming for a kid to get their minds around the mess… that takes repeated training. I also never felt like i had right to get rid of things gifted to me or that my parents (etc.) purchased. Help her know what she can and can’t do (yes you can get rid of clothes that don’t fit right even if they’re brand new… and you thought you wanted it so much) and be with her while she cleans her room to help guide her.
No, you are not failing!!! This is a beautiful article, but a bit over-the-top. Reality is that we are not perfect. Love your children. Be thoughtful. We are not all Ph.D’s with perfect children and the patience of a saint.
Yes good point that the writer is creating an ideal. As readers we can take inspiration instead of self judgement. Even noticing there is room for change is a baby step. Staying in the present with self compassion is equally important as striving for the goal of a minimalist life. We are who we are for a reason and gradually we can let go of what no longer serves us, such as clutter.
You’re definitely not failing as a mother, you sound just like my mum was – played games with us all the time when we were little then let us be independent as teenagers. I had a super untidy room as a teenager even though my mum is a clean freak, but she left my room up to me as it was my personal space. The mess never did me any harm.
If you do want to reduce the clutter maybe you could talk to her about those in need and sort through everything and donate what she doesn’t use.