“I just don’t know what to do, Joshua. He never seems happy.” This statement by my friend grabbed my attention and I sat up straighter in my chair.
My friend is a few years older than me and, financially speaking, more successful in every way: more income, more cars, bigger house, more toys.
We were enjoying some wonderful food at a downtown restaurant and talking about marriage and parenting. At some point, our conversation turned to his elementary-aged son.
My friend’s face was showing visible frustration. “I don’t understand. He has a whole drawer full of video games, a bedroom full of action figures, and a whole entire room in our house completely dedicated to toys. But he never seems happy. He’s constantly telling me he’s bored.”
His attention began to shift. As is so often the case when it comes to parenting, he began thinking about his own childhood.
“When I was young,” he said, “my family didn’t have anything. I mean, Joshua, we were super poor. I only had three toys to play with, and I shared them with my three brothers. But we made do with what we had—and we had lots of fun. I don’t ever remember asking my parents to buy me stuff.”
I was ready with my response to this. I had spent years thinking about this topic and had considered the topic when writing Clutterfree with Kids.
“Maybe your son is discontent because he has too many toys,” I told him.
“Think about it this way. When you were young, you only had three toys. But more importantly, you knew that wasn’t going to change. You had three, that’s it. You were forced to make do with what you had and find happiness in it. That was your only choice.”
My friend was nodding, so I continued:
“Your son, on the other hand, is in a completely different circumstance. Whenever he wants something new, whether it be from a commercial or something his friend gets, he just asks for it and then he gets it. You allow him to keep looking for happiness in the next toy, the next game, the next purchase. Heck, you practically encourage it.
Maybe if he was required to find happiness in the toys he already has, he just might find it. But for now, he is able to live under the impression that the next toy is going to bring it.”
My friend’s face grew sadder because he knew that what I was saying was true. His own decisions were contributing greatly to the unhealthy relationship his son had formed with possessions.
This is a reminder all of us parents need: our kids need boundaries!
If we don’t give them a sense of how much is too much, they’ll just keep wanting more. And if we let them grow up without considering the downsides of overaccumulation, we could be dooming them to repeat the errors of excess that are so common in our world today.
Don’t you want to spare your kids the bondage that comes with having too much stuff? Start early to teach them that less is more! It’s one of the best ways you can show them your love.
It is a fabulous idea to have toys library where you can borrow and return. It would be very different than renting “toys”, electronic devices. It is recreation, and entertainment that fit in for the family Things are changing fast in the public libraries, though.
This is a great idea to borrow from the library
When my son (now 31) was quite young, I overcompensated for my guilt of being a single mother and traveling a lot, by buying him most things he seemed to want. In fact, I would sometimes go out of my way to surprise him with things he hadn’t asked for, especially if I had just come home from another business trip. A very, very dear friend who was an early childhood education specialist warned me, saying “stop buying him all these things – you’re not doing him any favors and he’s going to grow up to be dissatisfied. Let him work at play.” I immediately stopped – and I also spoke with my son about why I was doing it. Even as a child, he expressed gratitude that I wasn’t burying him under more stuff. He helped to teach me the lesson I didn’t want to learn.
I recently went through the process of getting rid of stuff from my 9yr old daughter’s room. I would spend so long helping her clean, only for it to be messed up soon after.
She helped me get rid of (shame face) EIGHTEEN trash bags of stuff from her room.
She has tidied her room every evening before bed for a month, and has been so proud of herself. Today, I was sitting downstairs, and heard her playing in her room, singing. My heart went pitterpat.
So glad for you and your daughter.
Thank you for sharing. I have toys that I kept because my son doesn’let them go. He is in his early thirties. Blocks and
Pieces are still in a box. I’d appreciate your ideas.
Make him take them off your hands if he wants them so much
Sometimes it is kind of a sentimental thing that makes it harder to choose. Take some pictures or turn it into a keepsake can works too.
Ok, as you posted this article, i find myself in the exact situation of making the mistake. And my son not being content anymore with the load of toys he has, always wanting a “new toy”. I messed it up, i admit, i had some (“legitimately”, in my own opinion) reasons to breed this vicious circle. But now is getting extreme. Is there any way back to fix the situation and make a 4 year old understand that he has to have less toys from now on (meaning reducing/donating from his toys) and also that he will not receive new toys any time soon?
Not to mention the stress this organizing of the huge load of toys brings me. :-))
I simply want to change this and i don’t clearly know how to start.
Thank you!
Involve your son in the getting rid of toys. Even at 4 he knows what he likes and what he doesn’t. Have a designated area that holds a certain amount of toys and say thats it no more can go here. Save some for rotation and REALLY pay attention to what he’s playing with. You’ll find more to get rid of and if you think if I take this away he’ll want it next week then save it out of sight out of mind for a certain amount of time maybe 2 weeks and if its not asked for say goodbye to it.
My daughter really wanted to save her barbies promising me she would play with them. Hasn’t touched them in a year and now they are going. She’s older and we did a huge purge a year ago. That’s why I waited so long.
Maybe teach him about kids who do not have any toys, and ask him which ones he hasn’t played with in a while that maybe another boy would like. Wrap it up and donate– decker and help a family in need, as well as your own.
We have 16 grandchildren and more to come. We decided a few years ago to open bank accounts (they are in our name) We put money in for Christmas and b-days. At age 18 they can take the money out. Very interesting, four of them could have taken the money this year, but talking to them individually they each asked if they could just keep the money in the account. We put $50 in per year. We told them yes, but we would not be putting any more money in. A hug, I love you and that will be the gifts after 18 yrs. They (the oldest each have $1000 in and everyone wanted to leave it in. It works, stress free! Told my kids when they started having kids ,we will not compete with in- laws, or anyone else. Love that the kids want to save it!
My 9 year old son has to save up when he wants something. Never too young to learn the value of money, but my boys mostly get toys from grandparents/godparents, I’m trying to convince them to do activities with the boys instead of giving them toys.
Great article! One thing I did with my son was that we gathered up some toys that could be cleaned well and we donated them to his pediatrician’s office. She wrote him a thank you note and told him which toys were put in which exam or waiting room. I was proud of him for giving up some of the toys and then very impressed that the pediatrician followed up – her note was very encouraging to him.
There’s not enough written about “the bondage” of stuff. Well done!
I was thinking about this today in terms of clothes for my kids. I noticed that both my children have natural boundaries when I ask them what they need. I’m the one whose boundaries are inflated beyond what they will actually wear. For example, this morning I was ordering some end-of-season clothes on sale, and my son told me that he just needs one pullover hoodie sweatshirt for next year; he doesn’t need any other sweatshirts because the ones he has will still be big enough. I’m working on letting his limits be my guide rather than the pull to get something on sale.
We are a family of 5 (very soon of 6), who were changing apartment 3 months ago. We packed up in 60 minutes. Yes, 60 minutes including toys, bikes, clothes, furniture, kitchen ect.
Minimalism is beautifull with kids.
I love the feeling when people says “I like to be in your children’s room. It is a pleasure to be here”. And then I can introduce them to minimalism.
Thank you Joshua. You were and are my inspiration and a guide.
Our 6-year-old son is the youngest of four, so he has so many great hand-me-down toys. His birthday is in April, and I introduced him to the idea of asking for experiences. I was surprised that he was totally on board! Local kids’ museum, zoo, aquarium, bouncy-house play place, trampoline place, day at the amusement park with someone who has an annual pass….he’s all in. Once I brought those ideas out, he was delighted.
That is a fantastic idea and one I will definitely borrow.
So simple, but with so many positive positive outcomes – engagement/closeness, building relationships & shared memories, fitness, etc.
Thank you for sharing!
Great article. Our appetite for consumption contributes to our unhappiness.
Hi, Joshua,
Great article, great comments by everyone.
I would have benefited tremendously as a child if my parents, primarily my mother, had not been sooooo materialistic and obsessed with acquiring anything and everything; neither parent ever played with me or my two siblings–ever; I had a lot of dolls and board games growing up, and enjoyed both of them very much (non-video era ). When I wasn’t playing with either of those (mainly with my dolls), and had finished my homework ?, I was outside riding my bike everywhere. I truly never felt bored; but, my mother’s obsession with “stuff” unfortunately took its insidious toll on me, even as a child, and I slowly began adopting her mentality as I got older. Decades later, I am just now addressing a problem that has wreaked havoc in my entire adult life; thank you, Joshua for bringing your message to light for children, which will be an indescribable lifelong blessing to them, and will enable them to follow God’s calling on their lives without the weight of, not only the stuff itself, but the emotional and psychological burden accompanying the stuff, and the resulting deficiency in critical relational skills, an arduous problem to conquer.
Keep up the invaluable work you are doing.
Sounds so much of what we have in our house. We don’t play gameboard, and our daughters have no interest in watching TV after diner. They also don’t talk much to us about anything. This is a generation of technology. So we are stuck now with how to reach out to our own children. We spend so much on tools, changing and updating new iphone and software. But, it hasn’t been great if only cost us more than this relationship we want with our daughters
So true, even for me (I consider myself a hardcore minimalist I have 1 and only 1 pair of shoes, no phone, no car, about 8 dresses total clothes, 0 pants, 1 shirt, 1 martial arts gi, 1 hat, 0 socks), I feel that minimalism is my choice and therefore not my right to force upon my family members, I don’t overbuy (to my knowledge) but we get a lot of gifts for my daughter (4) and son (about to be 1). I have already asked the family to stop, they say they will and don’t so I think the solution may be swapping toys to other family members or donation or storing away from the living space and switching toys… (my husband came home with 2 toys as I wrote this reply). But I did notice that my daughter loves when we don’t have clutter, she plays better, she acts better, her proper level of toys is higher than mine would be, yet she has one and helping her maintain it helps her a lot in ways no one else understands. I also noticed a difference between my son and daughter, my son is much more of a minimalist. So I completely agree that too many toys have consequences of mental overwhelm that kids probably can’t discuss and most people never think about and also that having less when the amount is already in excess generates so much opportunity for joy and creativity. My daughter likes drawing boxes into rocket ships much more than if we just purchased a toy rocket ship, it’s about the process and craft for her. ?️
Such truth in this. I wish I had know these things when my son was growing up. Keep up the good lessons Joshua. We love the emails, blogs, videos and especially sermons!
The paradox of choice. The more options we have, the less satisfied we are.
I could not agree more with what you have written. We encourage and perpetuate this obsession with possessions in our children. My two boys were accumulating plastic toys purely from excessive gifts from family until I finally said to family members that for birthdays and Christmases to buy the boys experiences or arts and crafts instead and we have never looked back.
This sounds so right TML . How much so!
I love the idea about recruiting the child to go through their toys and pick the most important ones to them and make a contribution box for give aways. And even though it wasn’t mentioned by others, the give away box can be taken to the local shelter where families are being housed with very little. And bring the child with you, to see how happy their toys to make other children who have none or very little.
Forming unhealthy relationships with possessions – that is the essence. I don’t know how that began, however as society became more affluent the tendency to indulge the young with possessions increased. I recall hearing “we want to give him/her what we didn’t have.” If you didn’t have it, THEY likely don’t need it either. This is too common collective insanity today; a plague has been unleashed. I personally don’t think kids should have many possessions. Beyond adequate food, basic housing, few clothes, little is necessary. There are many studies demonstrating excess possessions are actually harmful. Here in the U.S. the economy is all about STUFF, and entrenched in the collective psyche of the people. Most people anyway. It’s greater than a problem of too many teddy bears. More like videos for the vacuous and board games for the bored.
Valerie: Kids have way more stuff than I ever dreamed of growing up as a kid (’50’s and ’60’s). We spent most time outside biking, playing ball games,, climbing trees and visiting friends. Bad weather it was cards and board games, not much TV then. Young people today feel they are entitled to this and that and parents out of guilt buy them everything incl expensive phones. Toys we had lasted yrs and given away when we outgrew them, to younger kids.
This son sounds like an only child? I think it’s important to note that his father had two siblings to play with. The problem here is not only too many toys, but also lack of companionship. It almost sounds like the father is using the toys as a substitute for playing with his son. The gift of time from a parent is invaluable!
He is not an only child. But thanks for the comment.
Hi Joshua, I am a post-war child, and my own kids grew up in the Bolivian Amazon… Now, however, it’s the generation of my grandchildren and great-grandchildren!
One option is to rotate toys. One could consult with the child or children, and let them choose a certain amount of toys for the next month or three months. The rest is stored safely away. At the end of this period, the children can exchange some toys or all of them.
I like your blog a lot, even though I don’t have time to read it always!
Gisela.
I’m curious as to what your suggestions are for reigning in the toy monster once it has been unleashed without massive meltdowns and tantrums. My daughter is 5 so she’s pretty aware of what she already has and notices when things “disappear.” Should this be a gradual reduction or a rip the bandaid off sort of toy purge?
It’s not a bad idea to include her in the process. Are there younger cousins/family or friends she can pass things on to? Sometimes it’s easier to let go on toys if she knows they are going to a good home and she’ll be able to “visit” them.
I wouldnt just have them disappear…she would definitely notice and be resentful. She also would not learn anything from the experience…My suggestion would be to ask your daughter to pick out (example 5-10) toys that are most important to her…talk about why the toys are important…then ask her to pick out the same number of toys she really doesn’t care about and talk about that…make it a learning game…tell her that toys liked to be played with and that maybe another child would be willing to adopt them…if she has a hard time, let her put those toys in a sealed box for a week if after a week, she can’t even remember what’s in the box then you can have her donate them…keep playing this game periodically…As for future gifts, give her a limit to what she can ask for or make them of an experience or a little of both. The experiences will be something for her to look forward to…maybe a calendar with outings penciled in per month? Whatever you settle on make sure to include her in the decisions..? Good Luck!
Physical boundaries, empowering your child to make the decision about what to keep. As I write in Clutterfree with Kids, the physical boundary idea can be used in numerous places (clothes, toys, arts/crafts, collections, etc.).
I’d love to know this too. I am overwhelmed by the amount of toys in this house. The requests to family to limit at Christmas, birthdays and throughout the year falls on deaf years. I actively don’t let my kids open all their presents and then I donate or regift when possible. Birthday invitations go out with a request for no presents $5 towards something they really want.
I am constantly culling… but still overwhelmed. I have noticed there is very little interest in the toys after the initial glow wears off. But I also think our active lifestyle means we are rarely home to play with them.
Meanwhile every time we are out he asks whoever he is with for a new toy and the disappointment when I say no…. I don’t want my son’s growing up with a sense of entitlement but it is a constant battle.
I have been there with my daughter. The constant gifts from family, junk from birthday parties, etc. added up to an overwhelming pile of toys that I worked hard to keep organized for a long time. For my daughter, everything is special, or she can make a craft out of it or some Maker Space/STEM invention.
It was a painful process but eventually I had to set boundaries as the parent. All the cheap junk went and overtime, we reduced, reduced and reduced some more. We have moved states a couple time so eventually physical limitations became the standard. “You can fill this box with the toys you’d like to keep”. Also there have been many conversations about stuff, it’s value and where are treasures should actually be.
She cleans all her own stuff and carries her own stuff so that she can feel the burden for herself. She can keep her craft, or her birthday party junk for a week and then it goes and she doesn’t get too attached to it.
She has come a long way. She now understands why we don’t need so much stuff and toys. When she comes home from friends’ houses, she talks about how much stuff they have and how overwhelming it is. I still go through her room with her about once a month to make sure too many “treasures” have been forgotten somewhere but it is now peaceable.
We has a place for each type of toys and a small area for her random stuff she likes. I would recommend starting the conversations with her explaining the why and then start the process. It’s well worth it for now and for their future.
I agree, there is lots of advice to do this, but not ‘how’ to do it. Joshua, could you maybe follow up with a ‘how to’ post or point us in the direction of one if it already exists? Thank you :)
Here you go: A Helpful Guide for Decluttering Toys
My book, Clutterfree with Kids, is even more in-depth than I cover in a blog post.
This is so true! I also think that if we don’t have ‘stuff’ we tend to use our imaginations more. I think that’s important for adults as well. I sometimes feel that the art of entertaining ourselves is lost.
This is so true! I’d like to add that as parents we need to spend more quality time with our kids. Listen, talk, do art together, play a game. Families own so many board games but never play. Quality time is so important. And yet it’s okay for kids to be bored! My ex use to say to my kids, if they said they were bored, “boredom is a self-inflicted wound!” And off they would go to find something to “do”!
Thank you for bringing the epidemic of too many toys to light!
There was a woman on Shark Tank other night that had a great idea of ordering a set of toys that could be ordered, played with for a while then sent back to be cleaned and reordered by someone else and a new order placed if they wanted a new set.
Our place was always the ‘gathering’ house of the neighborhood.
The kids had so much fun, mostly with outdoor activities.
Your friend grew up with 3 toys shared amongst 3 brothers.
Immediately my thought goes to:
If he were to think past the toys they shared, I bet he would say he built memories with his brothers as they had eachother and kept well busy amongst themselves.
Such are building blocks of forming and nurturing lifelong relationships.
Spend time with friends and family, creativity will flow:)
This is so true. They also grow up not respecting the value of money or earning they have. They don’t appreciate gifts because they get them all the time. I’ve seen kids scream and get mad because they didn’t get a name brand of something. My brother-in-law’s sister did this when she didn’t get the exact brand of car for Christmas. I could have never even imagined asking for a car let alone for Christmas. As a kid I remember going outside and playing games with friends was more fun than actual toys.
Our public library has a toy library with high quality toys. It’s really cool! You have to really dig through the website to find it, but it’s a great (free) option!
In Australia we have toy libraries in many locations where you can borrow toys then return them when you are done. It’s such a fab concept.
I would discourage the idea of things just disappearing. A friend’s husband’s mother did that and it still seems to be a sticking point years later. Getting the kid involved in the decision is part of the empowerment for the kid to learn how to decide what to cull as well as being able to let stuff go.
I hope the friend was able to change how they gave stuff to their kids.