“I just don’t know what to do, Joshua. He never seems happy.” This statement by my friend grabbed my attention and I sat up straighter in my chair.
My friend is a few years older than me and, financially speaking, more successful in every way: more income, more cars, bigger house, more toys.
We were enjoying some wonderful food at a downtown restaurant and talking about marriage and parenting. At some point, our conversation turned to his elementary-aged son.
My friend’s face was showing visible frustration. “I don’t understand. He has a whole drawer full of video games, a bedroom full of action figures, and a whole entire room in our house completely dedicated to toys. But he never seems happy. He’s constantly telling me he’s bored.”
His attention began to shift. As is so often the case when it comes to parenting, he began thinking about his own childhood.
“When I was young,” he said, “my family didn’t have anything. I mean, Joshua, we were super poor. I only had three toys to play with, and I shared them with my three brothers. But we made do with what we had—and we had lots of fun. I don’t ever remember asking my parents to buy me stuff.”
I was ready with my response to this. I had spent years thinking about this topic and had considered the topic when writing Clutterfree with Kids.
“Maybe your son is discontent because he has too many toys,” I told him.
“Think about it this way. When you were young, you only had three toys. But more importantly, you knew that wasn’t going to change. You had three, that’s it. You were forced to make do with what you had and find happiness in it. That was your only choice.”
My friend was nodding, so I continued:
“Your son, on the other hand, is in a completely different circumstance. Whenever he wants something new, whether it be from a commercial or something his friend gets, he just asks for it and then he gets it. You allow him to keep looking for happiness in the next toy, the next game, the next purchase. Heck, you practically encourage it.
Maybe if he was required to find happiness in the toys he already has, he just might find it. But for now, he is able to live under the impression that the next toy is going to bring it.”
My friend’s face grew sadder because he knew that what I was saying was true. His own decisions were contributing greatly to the unhealthy relationship his son had formed with possessions.
This is a reminder all of us parents need: our kids need boundaries!
If we don’t give them a sense of how much is too much, they’ll just keep wanting more. And if we let them grow up without considering the downsides of overaccumulation, we could be dooming them to repeat the errors of excess that are so common in our world today.
Don’t you want to spare your kids the bondage that comes with having too much stuff? Start early to teach them that less is more! It’s one of the best ways you can show them your love.
Suzanne Dückert says
Such truth in this. I wish I had know these things when my son was growing up. Keep up the good lessons Joshua. We love the emails, blogs, videos and especially sermons!
TML says
The paradox of choice. The more options we have, the less satisfied we are.
Connie says
I could not agree more with what you have written. We encourage and perpetuate this obsession with possessions in our children. My two boys were accumulating plastic toys purely from excessive gifts from family until I finally said to family members that for birthdays and Christmases to buy the boys experiences or arts and crafts instead and we have never looked back.
Michele says
This sounds so right TML . How much so!
Pat Dunham says
I love the idea about recruiting the child to go through their toys and pick the most important ones to them and make a contribution box for give aways. And even though it wasn’t mentioned by others, the give away box can be taken to the local shelter where families are being housed with very little. And bring the child with you, to see how happy their toys to make other children who have none or very little.
Valerie Rogers says
Forming unhealthy relationships with possessions – that is the essence. I don’t know how that began, however as society became more affluent the tendency to indulge the young with possessions increased. I recall hearing “we want to give him/her what we didn’t have.” If you didn’t have it, THEY likely don’t need it either. This is too common collective insanity today; a plague has been unleashed. I personally don’t think kids should have many possessions. Beyond adequate food, basic housing, few clothes, little is necessary. There are many studies demonstrating excess possessions are actually harmful. Here in the U.S. the economy is all about STUFF, and entrenched in the collective psyche of the people. Most people anyway. It’s greater than a problem of too many teddy bears. More like videos for the vacuous and board games for the bored.
Laura Ann says
Valerie: Kids have way more stuff than I ever dreamed of growing up as a kid (’50’s and ’60’s). We spent most time outside biking, playing ball games,, climbing trees and visiting friends. Bad weather it was cards and board games, not much TV then. Young people today feel they are entitled to this and that and parents out of guilt buy them everything incl expensive phones. Toys we had lasted yrs and given away when we outgrew them, to younger kids.
Amy says
This son sounds like an only child? I think it’s important to note that his father had two siblings to play with. The problem here is not only too many toys, but also lack of companionship. It almost sounds like the father is using the toys as a substitute for playing with his son. The gift of time from a parent is invaluable!
joshua becker says
He is not an only child. But thanks for the comment.
Gisela von Brunn says
Hi Joshua, I am a post-war child, and my own kids grew up in the Bolivian Amazon… Now, however, it’s the generation of my grandchildren and great-grandchildren!
One option is to rotate toys. One could consult with the child or children, and let them choose a certain amount of toys for the next month or three months. The rest is stored safely away. At the end of this period, the children can exchange some toys or all of them.
I like your blog a lot, even though I don’t have time to read it always!
Gisela.
Rebecca says
I’m curious as to what your suggestions are for reigning in the toy monster once it has been unleashed without massive meltdowns and tantrums. My daughter is 5 so she’s pretty aware of what she already has and notices when things “disappear.” Should this be a gradual reduction or a rip the bandaid off sort of toy purge?
Gina says
It’s not a bad idea to include her in the process. Are there younger cousins/family or friends she can pass things on to? Sometimes it’s easier to let go on toys if she knows they are going to a good home and she’ll be able to “visit” them.
Carmen says
I wouldnt just have them disappear…she would definitely notice and be resentful. She also would not learn anything from the experience…My suggestion would be to ask your daughter to pick out (example 5-10) toys that are most important to her…talk about why the toys are important…then ask her to pick out the same number of toys she really doesn’t care about and talk about that…make it a learning game…tell her that toys liked to be played with and that maybe another child would be willing to adopt them…if she has a hard time, let her put those toys in a sealed box for a week if after a week, she can’t even remember what’s in the box then you can have her donate them…keep playing this game periodically…As for future gifts, give her a limit to what she can ask for or make them of an experience or a little of both. The experiences will be something for her to look forward to…maybe a calendar with outings penciled in per month? Whatever you settle on make sure to include her in the decisions..? Good Luck!
joshua becker says
Physical boundaries, empowering your child to make the decision about what to keep. As I write in Clutterfree with Kids, the physical boundary idea can be used in numerous places (clothes, toys, arts/crafts, collections, etc.).
Fleur Millington says
I’d love to know this too. I am overwhelmed by the amount of toys in this house. The requests to family to limit at Christmas, birthdays and throughout the year falls on deaf years. I actively don’t let my kids open all their presents and then I donate or regift when possible. Birthday invitations go out with a request for no presents $5 towards something they really want.
I am constantly culling… but still overwhelmed. I have noticed there is very little interest in the toys after the initial glow wears off. But I also think our active lifestyle means we are rarely home to play with them.
Meanwhile every time we are out he asks whoever he is with for a new toy and the disappointment when I say no…. I don’t want my son’s growing up with a sense of entitlement but it is a constant battle.
April says
I have been there with my daughter. The constant gifts from family, junk from birthday parties, etc. added up to an overwhelming pile of toys that I worked hard to keep organized for a long time. For my daughter, everything is special, or she can make a craft out of it or some Maker Space/STEM invention.
It was a painful process but eventually I had to set boundaries as the parent. All the cheap junk went and overtime, we reduced, reduced and reduced some more. We have moved states a couple time so eventually physical limitations became the standard. “You can fill this box with the toys you’d like to keep”. Also there have been many conversations about stuff, it’s value and where are treasures should actually be.
She cleans all her own stuff and carries her own stuff so that she can feel the burden for herself. She can keep her craft, or her birthday party junk for a week and then it goes and she doesn’t get too attached to it.
She has come a long way. She now understands why we don’t need so much stuff and toys. When she comes home from friends’ houses, she talks about how much stuff they have and how overwhelming it is. I still go through her room with her about once a month to make sure too many “treasures” have been forgotten somewhere but it is now peaceable.
We has a place for each type of toys and a small area for her random stuff she likes. I would recommend starting the conversations with her explaining the why and then start the process. It’s well worth it for now and for their future.
K says
I agree, there is lots of advice to do this, but not ‘how’ to do it. Joshua, could you maybe follow up with a ‘how to’ post or point us in the direction of one if it already exists? Thank you :)
joshua becker says
Here you go: A Helpful Guide for Decluttering Toys
My book, Clutterfree with Kids, is even more in-depth than I cover in a blog post.
Carol says
This is so true! I also think that if we don’t have ‘stuff’ we tend to use our imaginations more. I think that’s important for adults as well. I sometimes feel that the art of entertaining ourselves is lost.
Krista says
This is so true! I’d like to add that as parents we need to spend more quality time with our kids. Listen, talk, do art together, play a game. Families own so many board games but never play. Quality time is so important. And yet it’s okay for kids to be bored! My ex use to say to my kids, if they said they were bored, “boredom is a self-inflicted wound!” And off they would go to find something to “do”!
Thank you for bringing the epidemic of too many toys to light!
Carol A Strobel says
There was a woman on Shark Tank other night that had a great idea of ordering a set of toys that could be ordered, played with for a while then sent back to be cleaned and reordered by someone else and a new order placed if they wanted a new set.
Wendy says
Our place was always the ‘gathering’ house of the neighborhood.
The kids had so much fun, mostly with outdoor activities.
Your friend grew up with 3 toys shared amongst 3 brothers.
Immediately my thought goes to:
If he were to think past the toys they shared, I bet he would say he built memories with his brothers as they had eachother and kept well busy amongst themselves.
Such are building blocks of forming and nurturing lifelong relationships.
Spend time with friends and family, creativity will flow:)
Becky says
This is so true. They also grow up not respecting the value of money or earning they have. They don’t appreciate gifts because they get them all the time. I’ve seen kids scream and get mad because they didn’t get a name brand of something. My brother-in-law’s sister did this when she didn’t get the exact brand of car for Christmas. I could have never even imagined asking for a car let alone for Christmas. As a kid I remember going outside and playing games with friends was more fun than actual toys.
Jordan says
Our public library has a toy library with high quality toys. It’s really cool! You have to really dig through the website to find it, but it’s a great (free) option!
Fleur Millington says
In Australia we have toy libraries in many locations where you can borrow toys then return them when you are done. It’s such a fab concept.
Abbu says
I would discourage the idea of things just disappearing. A friend’s husband’s mother did that and it still seems to be a sticking point years later. Getting the kid involved in the decision is part of the empowerment for the kid to learn how to decide what to cull as well as being able to let stuff go.
I hope the friend was able to change how they gave stuff to their kids.