People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.
I have a friend. Let’s call him John.
I’m not sure if friend is actually the best word for our relationship, but it is the word I choose to use—not just in this post, but in life as well.
You see, John doesn’t return very many of my phone calls. He doesn’t reply to my voicemail messages. And he doesn’t answer very many of my texts.
But every few months, my phone will ring and John will be on the other end. Always out of blue. Usually in the evening.
He will apologize for being gone so long. He will assure me he is in a better place now. And he will ask if we can get together again for coffee or lunch. If at all possible, I agree.
John’s life has not been easy. He has told me repeatedly of the abandonment, the drugs, the alcohol, and the homeless nights that define his past. He speaks of his indiscretion freely. It is as much a part of his story as the home he grew up in.
Every time we get together, he recounts what has happened in his life. He will tell me about his desire to get back on the right track and the recovery meetings he has been attending. I will assure him there are people cheering for him. And I will offer to help in any way that I can. “Maybe we can get together again next week,” will usually be the last thing I say to him…until I hear from him again in a few months.
If I were to be honest, I’m not sure I get much out of my relationship with John. He doesn’t offer me any life advice. He doesn’t have a job or lifeskill that I learn from. He certainly doesn’t have any friends in high places who can help me get ahead. I think he cares about me as a person. But if he does, he has a funny way of showing it.
The one thing that he does offer is a consistent opportunity for me to love. Not a love that expects something in return, but a pure, unselfish love. One that requires patience and grace and commitment. You know—real love.
John needs me. And that is reason enough for me to keep him in my life.
There is an unhealthy inclination in our world to remove people from our lives who no longer serve us.
Our closets are full, but our hearts are empty.
When we decided to become minimalist, we did so because we knew our lives would improve if we removed the excess physical stuff from our home and life. They had become burdensome to us.
But it would be a foolish choice to automatically apply the exact same filter to our relationships. People always deserve more patience and sacrifice than physical possessions.
Do we need to find the strength to separate ourselves from abusive relationships? Yes, absolutely.
Are there some people that we need to be intentional about establishing boundaries with? Yes, of course.
But the path to better living is not found in turning our back on those who need us the most. The path to better living is found in developing the compassion and the space to love even those who don’t deserve it.
Choosing to invest in only the relationships that benefit me isn’t love, it’s selfish.
About Joshua Becker
oh! so true man! i really can’t agree more! i am so inspired of your quote from the essay: “Our closets are full, but our hearts are empty.” Plus, your heart-touching ending: “Choosing to invest in only the relationships that benefit me isn’t love, it’s selfish.” i am right now want to get back to those who has needed me. So deep to me of this essay!
Thank you so so much!:)
Thank you for sharing, Josh. We need more of this in our world. Your post reminded me of this Thomas Merton quote: “Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business and, in fact, it is nobody’s business. What we are asked to do is to love, and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy.”
I loved this. I hear to often about people removing others from their lives if they are no longer useful. Useful is not a word I would use to describe my closest friends. They are simply people I love. This was a beautifully compassionate entry.
I love this because it can be difficult to love someone in shoes similar to John’s. However, from what we know about John it sounds like he is doing the best he can. He is lucky that you haven’t given up on him. In his world time is difficult. Sometimes many days, weeks, months and even years can pass because we know we are not in the best of form. We have every intention of getting with our loved ones when we think we have it better together. Keep loving him (I don’t need to tell you that) and it could make all the difference. Payoff for you may only be in knowing you are kind and patient. But that should be enough for all of us. Thanks for listening.
I have a friend like you. For years she stood by my side and tried to help me any way she could. She eventually took me and my two daughters in to get away from drugs and an abusive relationship. It worked!!! I’ve been clean for almost thirty years, my daughters are doing well. The grandchildren grew up in a completely environment.
Now my friend has fallen on hard times and it is my turn to be there for her. Even though I don’t think the way she handles things is the greatest. It’s really not up to me to question how she handles things but I want to be there for her. She told me I’m the only one that cares and she helped a lot of people!!!!!
All the love in the world doesn’t “cure” an addict. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to “let go” . If there is a chance an addict will “see the light”, it may be when he no longer has you in his life, so you will actually be helping him by walking away.
I’ve experienced this in my life. My brother is no longer an addict, and at one point, our entire family had to take ourselves away from him. (though we never stopped loving him). There is a difference between loving and “enabling”.
He got sober, and knows that we did that out of our love for him, and now we all can share love.
If he had not gotten sober, we would have still loved him, but not been his enablers to stay in his addiction. It is the addict who has abandoned you, not the other way around. He has chosen his addiction over you. That is hard to accept. Love is meaningful to the sober person, and is lost on an addict until the addict decides to choose the love over the addiction.
People don’t ‘choose’ to be addicts.
Could you share with your readers the name of the person you have quoted in your opening sentence? Attribution is not only kind and ethical, it increases your credibility greatly when readers know you give credit where credit is due. (If you don’t know and can’t be troubled to find out just go with quotations marks and –Anonymous)
Thank you so much for reminding me:)
I love this quote and Joshua’s take on it. I would like to amend it to include animals, because I feel like many in our world treat animals like they are things, not given the respect and reverence that living things deserve. I also believe in loving and being there for people regardless of whether they deserve that love. Of course, a person must love themselves as well, which includes protecting themselves from those that would harm them or other loved ones.
Loved this article…..this was something I needed to read. I have a similiar situation. A friend who is a drug addict. She also doesnt answer texts, FB messages, ect…….unless she wants something. It’s now been 6 months since I have last heard from her. There has been many times I have wanted to walk away because I felt like I was getting nothing out of the relationship…except stress. It also hurt my pride to have so many unreturned mesages. Felt like” I would never put up with this from anyone….why am I putting up with this from her?” Than it hit me after reading this……..that maybe God put me in her life to love her and her family unconditionally and with a pure heart…BAM! No more pouting…back to praying and reaching out. Thank you!!
Your story made me think about a 20-year friendship with a man who I now think of as a brother. It took several years to reach that point and took a change in my attitude for that to happen. It has become one of the richest relationships I have ever had.
there is a line that you need to draw. it can move back and forth depending on your own capacity. as others have said–a relationship like that can potentially drain you. you need to be mindful of how much you can give to that relationship without sacrificing too much of yourself. When you get on a plane, emergency protocol for helping someone having trouble with their oxygen mask is to make sure yours is on properly first. that isn’t selfishness: you can’t help anyone if you pass out. get to know yourself and know what you can handle.
This made much sense to me today. This is because i have seen a friend suffer because of people who are so materialistic. God help our generation.
I keep returning to this post. It’s become a central reminder of my values, and of the need to practice patience, love, and grace, even when it’s uncomfortable or feels like a burden. Thanks for putting these great ideas out there.
I found this from a Google search “Loving People” …all I can say is, I think I just found myself!
I’d say add a Like from me, but shouldn’t it be LOVE.
HA, should make a challenge to Facebook to change thier Like to Love!
Awesome comments, all around!
– Love love!
Loved this post because it reflects what I believe. People have value, all of them. John may not fit your description of the word, “friend,” but I would venture to guess that John sees you as his friend. he probably considers you a close friend. John can only see what is around him and what has consumed him all these years. I loved that in all you subtracted, John was not one them. And I loved how you clearly defined the value of relationships over things. Thank you for this post.
Love is a verb. I find that the more I make it an action verb, the more I strengthen my ability to do this. Loving without expecting anything in return is very freeing, actually. It’s also very counter to a culture that says that above all, you should never let people use you or take you for granted. Maybe sometimes you should.
“Our closets are full, but our hearts are empty.” Listened to a gentleman from India yesterday. He so brought this home to my thinking.
Having an addict for a “friend” or worse, a relative, is a horrible situation no matter what kind of positive emotional/spiritual spin one puts on it. It’s an emotional drain and it’s unhealthy since the stress of talking to a broken person on the phone and being a dumping ground for their woes for hours on end can change the whole energy of the healthy household.
“We a called to love unconditionally.” To be sure. I’ve done it( been The Listener) for about 10 years. Then I couldn’t take anymore and put up boundaries to preserve my own mental well being.
Boy do addicts get mad when you do that.
Since I can’t declutter my sibling I can corral some of her repetitive drama by putting up boundaries. This means those late night, out-of-the-blue, once a month phone calls now go to voice mail sometimes and I get back to her when I can deal with it. That sounds selfish and unChristian, I know. But I think 10 years of listening to the same talk for 4 hour stretches —Yeah, I am gonna love myself unconditionally now.
It’s a great post, Joshua, one that will keep me thinking for some time to come.
But in a way, this is an abusive relationship, which you are rightly protecting yourself from. No one has the right to cause you stress and grief either willingly or unintentionally. Offering care, love support to those who need it is absolutely the right thing, but if our giving is abused I do think we have to draw boundaries. & sometimes those boundaries are just what the person you are supporting needs.
alanon
and serenity prayer.
As much as i love this post i also believe if we dont take care of ourselves we cant take care of others. So if you feel you are more sane letting her call go to voicemail and you call on your time you are doing her and urself a favor because you are not going to snap at her. You are not ignoring her you are juat getting yourself ready to talk to her on your time…dont feel bad at all
I get you. You must love and respect yourself before you can love and respect others
Lolly, I get you.
but what about the fact that John is using you?
John is not using Joshua he just needs a friend. We are called to love unconditionally and that is what Joshua is doing.
Thanks you Joshua! Your articles are so amazing! They cover alot more than just having less clutter. It inspires me to take action and change my life for the better. Thank you so much!
Amen. If only more people realized that they have true joy by giving, without expecting in return. Jesus taught us to love that way and joy is deeper than happiness because it runs deep depp down, and is not dependent on circumstances. Great article, keep it up!
Bro, where have you been all my life?! Obviously you have a gift and an important message for the world. My wife and I have jumped on the minimalist bus and are loving it!! With twins due soon (baby 5 and 6), we really don’t have a choice. We have reached the manageability tipping point on the pursuit of excess. But your writing has given us so much guidance and hope and affirmed all the things we’ve always believed any way.
But I really love it when you get all relational and gooshy like this post. Ultimately the letting go of all the stuff is for the purpose of being able to love others and that’s what is going to make this stick for me. We are not going to work more hours, upgrade to a bigger house or buy a luxury SUV for our expanding family because if we do we won’t have the time and capacity to love the people we have been called to love.
Keep it my friend! You are changing the world.
A
Love love love love LOVE THIS!
“People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.” That is one of my all-time favourite quotes! Wonderful article, thank you!
Thank you for the reminder. I have a friend that only seems to meet with me when she needs something. Usually just a listening ear. I get tired of this, but I need to still be there for her. To love her. To pray for her.
I read this and felt the same way. Realizing I need to love that person and understand that I am needed and that is my role.