People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.
I have a friend. Let’s call him John.
I’m not sure if friend is actually the best word for our relationship, but it is the word I choose to use—not just in this post, but in life as well.
You see, John doesn’t return very many of my phone calls. He doesn’t reply to my voicemail messages. And he doesn’t answer very many of my texts.
But every few months, my phone will ring and John will be on the other end. Always out of blue. Usually in the evening.
He will apologize for being gone so long. He will assure me he is in a better place now. And he will ask if we can get together again for coffee or lunch. If at all possible, I agree.
John’s life has not been easy. He has told me repeatedly of the abandonment, the drugs, the alcohol, and the homeless nights that define his past. He speaks of his indiscretion freely. It is as much a part of his story as the home he grew up in.
Every time we get together, he recounts what has happened in his life. He will tell me about his desire to get back on the right track and the recovery meetings he has been attending. I will assure him there are people cheering for him. And I will offer to help in any way that I can. “Maybe we can get together again next week,” will usually be the last thing I say to him…until I hear from him again in a few months.
If I were to be honest, I’m not sure I get much out of my relationship with John. He doesn’t offer me any life advice. He doesn’t have a job or lifeskill that I learn from. He certainly doesn’t have any friends in high places who can help me get ahead. I think he cares about me as a person. But if he does, he has a funny way of showing it.
The one thing that he does offer is a consistent opportunity for me to love. Not a love that expects something in return, but a pure, unselfish love. One that requires patience and grace and commitment. You know—real love.
John needs me. And that is reason enough for me to keep him in my life.
There is an unhealthy inclination in our world to remove people from our lives who no longer serve us.
Our closets are full, but our hearts are empty.
When we decided to become minimalist, we did so because we knew our lives would improve if we removed the excess physical stuff from our home and life. They had become burdensome to us.
But it would be a foolish choice to automatically apply the exact same filter to our relationships. People always deserve more patience and sacrifice than physical possessions.
Do we need to find the strength to separate ourselves from abusive relationships? Yes, absolutely.
Are there some people that we need to be intentional about establishing boundaries with? Yes, of course.
But the path to better living is not found in turning our back on those who need us the most. The path to better living is found in developing the compassion and the space to love even those who don’t deserve it.
Choosing to invest in only the relationships that benefit me isn’t love, it’s selfish.
Wow, this post really ‘spoke to’ me… Thank you, Joshua
“John needs me. And that is reason enough for me to keep him in my life”.
That was thought provoking.
I’m not sure I entirely agree with this post Joshua.
I LOVE what you say about being there for a friend that needs you and I absolutely agree with that but I do think that if a friendship does nothing but bring you down, you should evaluate whether you need to walk away or not.
Toni, I hear what you are saying but also understand Joshua in his post. You do need to have strength within yourself to deal with people who only call to dump their garbage on you and you need to know yourself and whether a relationship is going to drag/tear you down.
I once saw a Pinterest post that spoke to me…
Don’t feel bad if people remember you only when they need you. Feel privileged that you are like a candle that comes to their mind when there is darkness.
Childhood Song: “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…”
Toni: I agree with you. Women especially have to be careful of their reputations by staying friends with women who betray trust, do things immoral, etc. because you’re known by the company you keep. Over time, I had to ditch friends when I found out some were cheating on their spouse or other unethical actions. They can be an emotional drag if you stay friends and enable/approve of their lifestyles. I want friends that are elevating/edifying with high moral values . One friend over a decade ago, was arrested for embezzlement at a local bank. Me and hubby were in shock for months. We have become cynical on people in general, we’re retirees, and have casual acquaintances vs close friends. We also are not involved in the community or church and quit voting in the 1980’s after various church/ political scandals local and national.
Thank you. Needed to be said.
I read all of your posts and enjoy them. However this brought tears to my eyes. I will spend today reflecting on why. I am sure the process will result in positive changes. Your posts usually do! Thank you Joshua :-)
Thanks for the opportunity to provide a little bit of inspiration and self-reflection.
Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
That so needed to said, Joshua! Thanks!
Your best post. {:’)
I agree! :)
This is really such a good post! Easier said than done…but, a worthy goal!
Thank you for this. There has been what seems to me a lot of posts in the minimalist world about curating your relationships. I like this much better. If we aren’t there for those who need us, why would we expect others to be there for us? The advice to cultivate those who can help us makes me wonder why they would not do the same leaving me in the dust.
I agree. This post has been on my mind for quite some time. No doubt the proliferation of “minimize the people who weigh you down” thinking spurred this response.