Several years ago, we decided to embrace minimalist living.
At first, the reasons were simple: we were spending too much time caring for possessions and we were wasting too much money on stuff we didn’t need. These possessions were not bringing joy or lasting happiness. Even worse, they were keeping us from the very things that did.
But what we didn’t realize at the time was that this decision would drastically alter our marriage.
Possessions had become the Great Distraction in our lives. And the simplest way to recenter ourselves on the things that mattered most was to remove the excess from our home and lives.
We embarked upon a journey to sell, donate, recycle, and remove as many of our nonessential possessions as possible. It was one of the most life-giving decisions we have ever made—the benefits have been practical and soul-enriching. And we would recommend it to anyone.
Owning fewer possessions means less cleaning, less organizing, less repairing, and less financial burden. It brings freedom, clarity, and opportunity. Intentionally owning less frees time, energy, and space—resources that could be spent pursuing our greatest passions.
Our lives and marriages require space to be lived and experienced to the fullest. But in a world of ever-increasing speed, time for reflection and investment in the things that matter becomes more and more difficult to discover.
Our world is built on consumerist pursuits—and rejecting those tendencies requires great intentionality from each of us.
Hans Hofmann, the legendary painter once said it like this, “The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.”
Often times, our marriages follow the same unfortunate trajectory. At first, when we have nothing but each other, we focus intently on the important essential building blocks of a happy marriage. But as our relationship continues forward, less important things begin to accumulate and distract us from the very keys to a successful marriage.
As a result, we start to worry more about the appraisal value of our home than the value of our relationship. We check the health of our retirement account far more often than the health of our marriage. We spend more time taking care of the car in our garage than the other person in our bedroom. And the maintenance of our physical possessions dominates our evenings and weekends, when the maintenance of our relationship should be taking precedent.
Nonessential possessions begin to accumulate and demand our money, energy, and precious time. As a result, we have little left over for the very elements that make our marriages work.
Those who experience a fulfilled marriage from beginning to end intentionally limit selfish distractions and accumulation. They realize a nice home, fast car, or bloated retirement account may appear nice to have, but in the end, do not make a successful marriage. And if not kept in proper perspective, they actually begin to distract us from it.
To limit the burden of excess possessions in your family, consider these seven intentional, countercultural decisions:
1. Choose a home based on need, not opportunity. Sit down and determine what specific requirements your home will need to meet: size, location, length of stay, sometimes occupation. When you begin house-hunting, focus on them solely. Do not choose a home based on a pre-approved loan amount or even income. Choose based on personal need instead.
2. Never carry a car payment. Almost every person I know who is falling behind in their finances carries a car loan and payment. Don’t do it—ever. Buy the most reliable car you can afford with your cash savings and immediately begin setting aside money for your next one. And even if you can afford a luxury car, remember you can do more good by simply buying a reliable one.
3. Purchase technology based on the problem it solves. Technology advances at a dizzying pace. Keeping up can become an all-consuming, savings-draining pursuit. To counter its allure, remember the purpose of technology is to make our lives easier by solving problems. Before purchasing any new technology billed as the latest and greatest, ask yourself this question: “What existing problem does it solve?” If a new technology is not solving an existing problem, it is only adding to them.
4. Live on one income—even if you earn two. One of the most valuable pieces of financial advice we ever received came early in our marriage when both my wife and I were working. Our pastor encouraged us to live entirely on my income and save every penny my wife earned. We did just that. Her earnings became our first down payment on a home. But more importantly, it prevented lifestyle creep from setting in. And when our first child was born, becoming a one-income family was an easy transition.
5. Put the spender in charge of family finances. While this may or may not suit your family’s unique dynamics, it has been entirely helpful for ours. I hold a Bachelor’s Degree in Banking and Finance. My first job out of college was Accounting. I understand budgets, spreadsheets, assets, and liabilities. But my wife is a bigger spender than me. And one of the most helpful actions we took as a family was to put her entirely in charge of the family finances. Because our bank account levels were always small, she became far more careful with her purchases—and worked really hard to keep me in line too.
6. Use entertainment for rest, not escape. Entertainment moves our emotion, occupies our heart, and exercises our mind—or at least, it should. Choose to invest your entertainment dollars in places that will improve your life. There is nothing wrong with enjoying entertainment. It serves an important purpose. Rest is an essential characteristic of our lives. However, entertainment can quickly become a personal and financial burden if we use it as a means to routinely escape our own reality rather than deal with it in a healthy way.
7. Give away (at least) 10%. There are numerous religious traditions that teach the importance of giving away 10%. Personally, it is a financial philosophy we have put into practice during times of both little and plenty. The gifts benefit the receiver. But more than that, the gifts benefit the giver. It brings fulfillment and joy and meaning to our lives. But maybe the greatest benefit of generosity is the realization that we already have enough.
We should be careful to not add extra burden to our marriages by chasing and accumulating material possessions. Our money is only as valuable as what we choose to spend it on. And so are our lives.
Roland says
I’ve been unsubscribing from marketing e-mails. It’s a hard task because so many come in everyday, and not all requests are honored. Back in the day of newspapers, I stopped getting a paper because all the advertisements created unnecessary wants.
bonnie says
I agree, Roland … I admit that emails containing “deals” and free shipping create unnecessary wants for me. Unsubscribing can be an annoying process, but it is so helpful for me to never see those “deals” in the first place.
Cindy H says
Dang.
I wish I had read this and a couple of your tweets to remind me again of my minimalist goals before my husband and I went into a camping surplus store.
Kent Julian says
Don’t buy stuff you don’t need. Enough said!
FYI…was with Jeff Goins this weekend. He said good things about you (smile). Shared some good stories about you with him.
Holly says
These are wonderful suggestions. I’m a therapist and when I first started I didn’t talk to people about money, but now it’s essential because I see how the pursuit of things is so corrosive to relationships and happiness in general. And on a side note, one year, I took a leave from my job and worked on a sailing ship with just a carry on. No car, no phone, no TV. It was so liberating.
Bethany @ Journey to Ithaca says
Good points, Josh!
All of the things we think we are “supposed” to have can really add pressure to a marriage. As can all the dreams that are deferred, due to owning all the stuff. A year ago, we signed our house back to the bank, because we realized that I was working in a job I hated, to pay for a house I didn’t love, in a town I wasn’t crazy about. After a year of renting, 1300 miles away, we are finally going to be moving our family of 3 onto a 35 foot sailboat next week!
The lowered bills will allow us to once again have a weekly date night. And the excitement of sharing a dream has renewed our passion for our marriage, and for life.
Gladys (The Pinay Mom) says
I think #4 is what we should to work on,when my husband knows we have “extra money” in the bank,he likes to spend on things we don’t need.
Nice post!
Phil Janecic says
I like #5 the best. These are all good tips which make sense but we don’t look at them this way usually.
Laurie says
I loved this post. Your site constantly refreshes my minimalist fire — thank you!
joshua becker says
You are welcome Laurie.
Tina says
We never lived on all our income. When the kids were in college we had 4 paychecks a month, 2 were mine, 2 were his. 1 went for tuition, 1 went for savings and we lived on the other 2. We were able to retire when I was 53 and he was 55. We always made a lot of charitable contributions and still do. Vacations were to visit family or historic sites. We moved from a small house to a small condo. If you watch your money you can save a lot. Just don’t worry what the neighbors are doing.
Amanda says
I’ve never imagined paying for a car in cash, but it became a goal for myself today. I have been working really hard to analyze my spending habits and find places to improve/habits to work on, and your site has been a big motivator.