“If you don’t fit in, then you are probably doing the right thing.”
In high school, I played tennis and my favorite class was Accounting. I found out pretty early that the tennis team didn’t get invited to many parties…neither did the accountants.
On the other hand, my twin brother started on the football team, the basketball team, and the track team. He was pretty much one of the stars on each.
One of my best friends was three years younger than me and lived across the street. My brother hung out with the guys three years older.
Fortunately, I had plenty of free time to reflect on life while sitting alone at home—usually while my brother was hanging out at some party somewhere.
There was plenty of opportunity for me to long for the day when being one of the cool kids didn’t matter.
Some days, I think I’m still waiting.
A few weeks ago, I was in a local clothing store with my wife. I needed new pants (something about a hole in the crotch of my old ones). They sold pants. It seemed like a good fit.
As would be expected, we were not the only shoppers in the store. And I was not the only one using the dressing rooms. In fact, I wasn’t even the only one asking my wife for her opinion.
As I emerged from one of the dressing rooms wearing a khaki pair of pants, I noticed a young female shopper striking up a conversation with my wife.
The shopper began, “Do you think this shirt looks good on me? I think it looks a little boxy.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It does look a little boxy on you,” my wife answered.
The young woman replied, “Yeah, I know. It’s just that everybody is wearing this style now. Honestly, I just like wearing t-shirts and jeans. I really don’t know what to do.”
Of course, in my mind, the answer was simple: It doesn’t matter what everyone else is wearing, buy the type of clothing you like best. Spend your money on something you really love, not just the current fashion trends at parties and in the magazines.
But I know full-well it’s not always that easy.
The pull towards conformity can be strong. The desire to fit in with popular culture is significant at times. And no matter how old we get, the desire to run with the cool kids can still remain.
But within each of us is a desire that is even stronger—the desire to be ourselves, to embrace the things we love and enjoy and make us unique.
One of the best decisions we can make is to reject the cultural expectations that shift and change with the wind. And to accept the fact that we don’t need to run with the cool kids to be happy.
We can choose to be ourselves instead.
About Joshua Becker
So, did she buy the unflattering box style? Or, stay with what she is comfortable wearing?…….
Excellent!
I remember when I was in high school my boyfriend wanted me to buy a particular style jacket that “everyone is wearing”. That riled me, and I told him for that very reason I would never buy one!
The more we shift our definition of cool the more we liberate everyone to be “allowed” to be their true self without any kind of bullying involved. In my definition the absolut cool ones are the ones who keep on doing the things they love – even if these are not the most popular activities.
I have found that people who are “special editions” are the most interesting folks and I enjoy getting to know them. I don’t care what style they are wearing.
Being yourself is one of the most beautiful things ever to do :)
Thank you for writing this! It’s very true.
I grew up in a pretty conservative country, at a time when the pinnacle of a woman’s life was getting married wearing a lot of gold jewelry. (I’m a woman, BTW.) As soon as an infant girl was born, her family started amassing jewelry and saving up for her future wedding.
My goal was to study astrophysics. I was never interested in jewelry. It looked good on other women, but it entailed too much bother and fuss.
Well, information technology and associated fields became a big thing, and suddenly, my training in physics became a valued skill. I found employment as a faculty member straight after grad school in the USA. My college processed a green card for me.
And the most unexpected outcome of my life choices were finding myself happier and more fulfilled than the women who had simpered “Science and Math are SO hard”, with the subtext that they were too feminine to go into these fields.
My favorite poem which has stayed with me since my teens (and I’m nearing 71 now) – by Stephen Crane
“Think as I think,” said a man,
“Or you are abominably wicked.
You are a toad.”
And after I had thought on it I said,
“I will, then, be a toad.”
Since you choose to be a toad, I wish you may live hoppily ever after.
I couldn’t agree with you, more, Joshua. After taking Sociology, I had a better understanding of agency (the #1 being our families) and then during a certain period of our life, our peers become the #1 agency in our lives. It seems to me as though those 2 groups sort of fluctuate in importance throughout our lives. My question is, what about society? Well, the people we associate with influence us. They are also referred to as role models. Who do we listen to? Our parents, our friends, our co-workers, our siblings, our significant other(s), etc.? With the law of attraction, often times people will talk about how you become who your top 5 friends are. Then, in Sociology, I learned about the sociological lense – how we’re always changing based on social context. People wear these clothes for these events, people act this way around these people, etc. and it depends on who you’ll be surrounding yourself with. In that sense, I realized how very difficult it is to not be influenced by others. Part of how we developed was by relying on what others thought about us and then we, therefore, saw ourselves in the ways that others described us in (like looking into a meta mirror). With all of the broadcasting in the world, it’s so easy to lose yourself in this whirlwind of opinions. Therefore, I see the value in getting quiet in a noisy world. I see that it’s one of the ways in which people can really, truly tap into what they want and who they are. I prefer to surround myself with people who accept me for who I am. If I have to fake who I am to make more $, that’s not right for me. Denying who I really am to please others has never served me in the long run. It has only made me feel more and more like an outcast. Your message is very powerful, in this post. We don’t need to be who others think we should be. We need to be who we want to be. That, I believe, is true self love.
Thank you for sharing your words as well. Couldn’t agree more, with you either ;)
I love the way you put this. I have also studied sociology so it resonates with me. I am far happier when I am just being me and doing what I love to do, which is play music, and I totally relate to the whole wearing a certain style for certain activities in our life, but I am far more comfortable when I wear my own style. I was just thinking about the whole concept of being genuine, and hanging around people who appreciate my authenticity the other day. I buy clothes that I am comfortable in, and not what everyone else is wearing.
Thanks, 👍
When I was a stay-at-home mom We saved tremendously for our family. A very unpopular choice for my women friends. Now being a single mom, I know the time spend with my youngest has kept us closer. This was for me my relationship with my children I cared the most and they have helped me. Although I would never want to live on one income anymore my kids are now on their way to college next year and it has made me feel very proud.
Yes, good reminder to tell our inner child. Wish we could tell our younger self that or our kids. When I was in HS 40 years ago, there was a poster in the library that I will never forget. It helped me a lot when I was feeling left out. It said:
” I would rather sit alone on a pumpkin, than be crowded on a velvet cushion ” loved it then and love it now.
But I did really want Calvin Klein jeans and my Mom said “are you crazy? $40 for jeans!!
If You want them, then buy them yourself.” I saved up my babysitting money and loved them, but appreciated them MORE than if she just went out and got them. BTW, Levi’s were around $12 for comparison. Paid for those too.
Really like this quote, I would change it a little bit like : Sitting on a pumkin dressed in velvet cape and crowned ? :0)
Great advice! I used to want to be one of the cool kids. Not anymore; I wear what I like and don’t pay attention to trends. I don’t have or want a smart phone; I have a dumb phone, it’s my silent protest against conformity :-).
I was always an outsider when I went to school – always had 1 or 2 friends, lucky me, so I wasn’t completely on my own. But I never fit in with the crowd, I was never popular, I was never accepted by the “cool kids” who wore all the cool clothes and got new cars for their birthdays.
After school, when I got to pick who I hung out with, it got much easier. Now at 32 I rub along comfortably with my colleagues, we’re not super tight but get along well (luckily they are all the good kind of slightly crazy). I have a few close friends that I value very much, and a very good “support network” in my friends and family that proved very valuable these last few months after a very painful breakup.
I also have a wide circle of (not so close) friends that seem to enjoy hanging out with me.
Long story short: having been an outsider all my school years makes me so grateful for the friends I have now. I value them for who they are, and they value me for who I am.
I moved a lot while growing up. Two different middle schools and four different high schools. No my parents weren’t in the military . I was in band, played basketball, ( and a bunch of other sports), and loved science classes. I straddled the line between nerd and almost cool. I’ve always kinda done my own thing which is why I am usually on the outer fringes watching the “cool” people. I’m good with this. Life is too short to try to fit in to a catagory. If I wake up in the morning and I’m breathing everything while fall into place from there. Good luck everyone.
Lovely article, well written and relatable. I was never “a cool kid”, occasionally wanted to be one but mostly was too lazy to put in that much effort. My son is mostly a non conformist too, he doesn’t really fit in with his own age but people 5 or more years older or younger than him really enjoy his company and often compliment us on his attitude and personality.
Great article. A friend said to me the other day that he & I were failures because neither of us are interested in material stuff. I just smiled & said we’re not failures we just have our eyes open which allows us the freedom to be ourselves & live the lives we want. I feel really lucky to have reached this awareness in my life.
Well written and Beautifully said!!!
It’s not easy though, and it can be very lonely. It’s a nice idea.
Lonely.?? Not if you make yourself, your own best friend. You can do all sorts of wonderful things with yourself.. You can read/take a course, Take yourself out to dinner, see a movie, ( all within Covid restrictions,..of course.).. You can go for a walk in a new place, and really take time to see what’s in front of you. You can collect little stones, along the way, and make a dish of them on your coffee table. You can even converse with yourself. Then laugh when people give you weird stares….Just be your own best friend. Can you imagine anyone else being so comfortable with you.?? Someone less willing to criticize you.????. LOVE yourself.
After a lifetime of trying to fit in, THIS is where I’ve landed!!! I love the people in my life but I am my favorite person to spend time with. I am my own best friend. I used to try and connect with people and it just never worked for me, and that’s ok, because it led me, to me!
Thank goodness you weren’t your brother or we would be engulfed in our clutter forever! Thank you for being who you are!
I recently dated a woman who was always chasing the Joneses. She made about 50k a year, but she insisted on hanging out with the Doctor & Lawyer crowd. She was deep in debt and going deeper by trying to fit in. I knew better than to try and go down the spending road with her, so I dropped her. It was sad that she felt like she had to fit in with the high earners to feel good.
I feel you on that. I worked in the entertainment industry (t.v.) for over 20 years and it’s the same unfortunate foundation for many people “keeping up with the joneses” and many go broke chasing a dream that never comes to fruition. This is why there’s an over abundance of second hand designer clothing in the used clothing stores in Hollywood…people get lost in the ‘image’, instead of choosing a simpler life. Those people that ‘look as if’ they have everything, and dress for the occasion, usually are very unfulfilled in many aspects of life.
I love this and it reminds me why I am raising strong willed kids, 14 & 11yo girls, who have their own tastes and being willing to sit on my hands so to speak and let them choose their own clothing styles and more. I do admit it is harder when they are saying no to grandma’s clothing gifts, or when I would prefer they be a bit more dressed up for occasions, but I am proud that they can speak truly about what they like or not and not be overburdened with excess and instead finding the comfort and joy in loving the things they have chosen themselves.
Nothing more beautiful than being you!
One of my favorite insights from a novel (by Jodi Picoult) was her take on what it’s really like being The Popular Girl. It’s a terrifying place because when you’re at the top, there’s no place to go but down (and usually an enemy or two who’d like to take you there). I find a lot of wisdom in being smack in the middle of the pack. Safer from predators there!
Happy to report, still one of the uncool kids!! However I go to sleep at night knowing I can pay for what I do have.
Days of trying to fit in by spending myself into oblivion are over…who ate people trying to impress?? Others or themselves?? Happiness comes from within, not material items…
I’m 17 and i have never cool per say i used to get bulled a lot. but i lot of people found me to be a good friend, good kid, and they always called me hansom. I spend time by my self all the time and i love to be active weather it be athletic activity’s or sports or just getting fit. I usually sit alone and don’t talk to many people(though i really want to have a conversation like most people) even when i go to lunch at school. i only buy clothes the i like/love, i don’t really care what people thing as long as i like it. i do like dirt bikes a lot and it’s almost like i’m not having fun unless i’m riding on one. i have liked dirt bikes ever scene i was 5 and, i finally got one when i was 14 and i pretty much tore a huge hole in my pocket and lost my money 2 times they were chines pit bikes so they are really cheaply made but good for the price that you pay for them. This year a few weeks ago i finally bought a motocross dirt bike for a really good price and i am fixing it up i can sell it for my money back and a profit…. materialistic thing can’t make you happy but they can keep you being productive and you can also have fun with most materialist things +Ren
Exactly true ‼️ Several years ago our town was flooded and I lost everything instantly! Instead of crying over that I embraced it! My wants were separated from my needs at that moment! And thank GOD, I have been liberated from the desire for material things since then!