“If you don’t fit in, then you are probably doing the right thing.”
In high school, I played tennis and my favorite class was Accounting. I found out pretty early that the tennis team didn’t get invited to many parties…neither did the accountants.
On the other hand, my twin brother started on the football team, the basketball team, and the track team. He was pretty much one of the stars on each.
One of my best friends was three years younger than me and lived across the street. My brother hung out with the guys three years older.
Fortunately, I had plenty of free time to reflect on life while sitting alone at home—usually while my brother was hanging out at some party somewhere.
There was plenty of opportunity for me to long for the day when being one of the cool kids didn’t matter.
Some days, I think I’m still waiting.
A few weeks ago, I was in a local clothing store with my wife. I needed new pants (something about a hole in the crotch of my old ones). They sold pants. It seemed like a good fit.
As would be expected, we were not the only shoppers in the store. And I was not the only one using the dressing rooms. In fact, I wasn’t even the only one asking my wife for her opinion.
As I emerged from one of the dressing rooms wearing a khaki pair of pants, I noticed a young female shopper striking up a conversation with my wife.
The shopper began, “Do you think this shirt looks good on me? I think it looks a little boxy.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It does look a little boxy on you,” my wife answered.
The young woman replied, “Yeah, I know. It’s just that everybody is wearing this style now. Honestly, I just like wearing t-shirts and jeans. I really don’t know what to do.”
Of course, in my mind, the answer was simple: It doesn’t matter what everyone else is wearing, buy the type of clothing you like best. Spend your money on something you really love, not just the current fashion trends at parties and in the magazines.
But I know full-well it’s not always that easy.
The pull towards conformity can be strong. The desire to fit in with popular culture is significant at times. And no matter how old we get, the desire to run with the cool kids can still remain.
But within each of us is a desire that is even stronger—the desire to be ourselves, to embrace the things we love and enjoy and make us unique.
One of the best decisions we can make is to reject the cultural expectations that shift and change with the wind. And to accept the fact that we don’t need to run with the cool kids to be happy.
We can choose to be ourselves instead.
I’ve always thought its cool to be different x
Touché! ❤️
absolutely love this. I’ve been doing my own than for the past 2 years and even though I am 40 now and its taken me a while to be who I really am I’ve never been happier. Yeah I dont go out so much, I dont have so many friends but I have found joy and contentment like nothing else…… spending time alone has helped with that. Love your website :)
Paula, i’m 21 and I also still have a lot to learn. Your story inspires me to be better for myself. I spend time alone and sometimes I like it and sometimes I don’t but I try to remain happy regardless.
Never been a “cool” kid myself, never quite fitted in anywhere…I was always the square peg. I have lived a completely different life to most of my friends, and it turns out they are the jealous ones lol.
Live YOUR life, for you only get one :)
100% true the only way to be happy.
Lucy, same with my entire life story. Funny how it works out.
…still don’t fit in anywhere… and being 43 y.o. now it is a bit harder to know you don’t fit than in your 20’s, because back then you hope to find “that one place”… when you are still looking it is easier to care less, than when you know you are just different and settle with being the only one always there for you… at the end of life, we are always on our pwn anyways, so, I suppose, this is just a natural progression.
Loved reading this article too! I’m struggling now that I’m older to be cool because my life circumstances aren’t typical for my age (caring for my mother who has Alzheimers), but at least now I have the faith and wisdom to have more peace about it…and to focus on the fulfillment that being her caregiver does give me—even though many other people see it only as a burden in my life because they don’t understand how rewarding it can be. It is in this Season of my life that I’m blessed to finally be becoming a minimalist…and one big reason is because of how mom’s illness has required me to simplify my life…I needed to learn how to better manage my finances because of the exhorbitant costs of providing 24/7 care for her…from hiring a professional caregiver when I worked full time and then because of the financial hit to my income when I transitioned to working only part time. I have been blessed to have become a much better steward with my money than I ever could have imagined. At one time not so long ago my life was about sinful gluttony. This change has brought me priceless peace.
I think you just described my entire life in one single article. From birth until now, my younger brother has always been better looking, more athletic, way more popular and much better dressed than I. He had the perfect wedding, the perfect spouse, the perfect family etc. How much ever easier his upbringing and youth has been though, he lacks originality and always has a ‘need’ to be the most liked. I just sit there and go like ??? I think it also has to do with our Hindu upbrininging and the fact that the culture is so rigid for us females (I am the older sister). Yes at many times there can be a void, a desire to belong and to run with those ‘popular’ people. When I do that, I quickly find that they lack substance and originality.
:)
I totally relate! My brother was popular in HS, he has a great girlfriend that he’s bound to marry in the new few years, and just started his high paying career as a firefighter. I feel like I have to meet those expectations, but for him, all of that is just who he is.
Fire wife here. If your brother tells you firefighting pays well, he’s lying.
Happy to report, still one of the uncool kids!! However I go to sleep at night knowing I can pay for what I do have.
Days of trying to fit in by spending myself into oblivion are over…who ate people trying to impress?? Others or themselves?? Happiness comes from within, not material items…
I’m 17 and i have never cool per say i used to get bulled a lot. but i lot of people found me to be a good friend, good kid, and they always called me hansom. I spend time by my self all the time and i love to be active weather it be athletic activity’s or sports or just getting fit. I usually sit alone and don’t talk to many people(though i really want to have a conversation like most people) even when i go to lunch at school. i only buy clothes the i like/love, i don’t really care what people thing as long as i like it. i do like dirt bikes a lot and it’s almost like i’m not having fun unless i’m riding on one. i have liked dirt bikes ever scene i was 5 and, i finally got one when i was 14 and i pretty much tore a huge hole in my pocket and lost my money 2 times they were chines pit bikes so they are really cheaply made but good for the price that you pay for them. This year a few weeks ago i finally bought a motocross dirt bike for a really good price and i am fixing it up i can sell it for my money back and a profit…. materialistic thing can’t make you happy but they can keep you being productive and you can also have fun with most materialist things +Ren
One of my favorite insights from a novel (by Jodi Picoult) was her take on what it’s really like being The Popular Girl. It’s a terrifying place because when you’re at the top, there’s no place to go but down (and usually an enemy or two who’d like to take you there). I find a lot of wisdom in being smack in the middle of the pack. Safer from predators there!
Nothing more beautiful than being you!
I love this and it reminds me why I am raising strong willed kids, 14 & 11yo girls, who have their own tastes and being willing to sit on my hands so to speak and let them choose their own clothing styles and more. I do admit it is harder when they are saying no to grandma’s clothing gifts, or when I would prefer they be a bit more dressed up for occasions, but I am proud that they can speak truly about what they like or not and not be overburdened with excess and instead finding the comfort and joy in loving the things they have chosen themselves.
I recently dated a woman who was always chasing the Joneses. She made about 50k a year, but she insisted on hanging out with the Doctor & Lawyer crowd. She was deep in debt and going deeper by trying to fit in. I knew better than to try and go down the spending road with her, so I dropped her. It was sad that she felt like she had to fit in with the high earners to feel good.
Thank goodness you weren’t your brother or we would be engulfed in our clutter forever! Thank you for being who you are!
It’s not easy though, and it can be very lonely. It’s a nice idea.
Well written and Beautifully said!!!
Great article. A friend said to me the other day that he & I were failures because neither of us are interested in material stuff. I just smiled & said we’re not failures we just have our eyes open which allows us the freedom to be ourselves & live the lives we want. I feel really lucky to have reached this awareness in my life.
Lovely article, well written and relatable. I was never “a cool kid”, occasionally wanted to be one but mostly was too lazy to put in that much effort. My son is mostly a non conformist too, he doesn’t really fit in with his own age but people 5 or more years older or younger than him really enjoy his company and often compliment us on his attitude and personality.
I moved a lot while growing up. Two different middle schools and four different high schools. No my parents weren’t in the military . I was in band, played basketball, ( and a bunch of other sports), and loved science classes. I straddled the line between nerd and almost cool. I’ve always kinda done my own thing which is why I am usually on the outer fringes watching the “cool” people. I’m good with this. Life is too short to try to fit in to a catagory. If I wake up in the morning and I’m breathing everything while fall into place from there. Good luck everyone.
I was always an outsider when I went to school – always had 1 or 2 friends, lucky me, so I wasn’t completely on my own. But I never fit in with the crowd, I was never popular, I was never accepted by the “cool kids” who wore all the cool clothes and got new cars for their birthdays.
After school, when I got to pick who I hung out with, it got much easier. Now at 32 I rub along comfortably with my colleagues, we’re not super tight but get along well (luckily they are all the good kind of slightly crazy). I have a few close friends that I value very much, and a very good “support network” in my friends and family that proved very valuable these last few months after a very painful breakup.
I also have a wide circle of (not so close) friends that seem to enjoy hanging out with me.
Long story short: having been an outsider all my school years makes me so grateful for the friends I have now. I value them for who they are, and they value me for who I am.