“If you don’t fit in, then you are probably doing the right thing.”
In high school, I played tennis and my favorite class was Accounting. I found out pretty early that the tennis team didn’t get invited to many parties…neither did the accountants.
On the other hand, my twin brother started on the football team, the basketball team, and the track team. He was pretty much one of the stars on each.
One of my best friends was three years younger than me and lived across the street. My brother hung out with the guys three years older.
Fortunately, I had plenty of free time to reflect on life while sitting alone at home—usually while my brother was hanging out at some party somewhere.
There was plenty of opportunity for me to long for the day when being one of the cool kids didn’t matter.
Some days, I think I’m still waiting.
A few weeks ago, I was in a local clothing store with my wife. I needed new pants (something about a hole in the crotch of my old ones). They sold pants. It seemed like a good fit.
As would be expected, we were not the only shoppers in the store. And I was not the only one using the dressing rooms. In fact, I wasn’t even the only one asking my wife for her opinion.
As I emerged from one of the dressing rooms wearing a khaki pair of pants, I noticed a young female shopper striking up a conversation with my wife.
The shopper began, “Do you think this shirt looks good on me? I think it looks a little boxy.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It does look a little boxy on you,” my wife answered.
The young woman replied, “Yeah, I know. It’s just that everybody is wearing this style now. Honestly, I just like wearing t-shirts and jeans. I really don’t know what to do.”
Of course, in my mind, the answer was simple: It doesn’t matter what everyone else is wearing, buy the type of clothing you like best. Spend your money on something you really love, not just the current fashion trends at parties and in the magazines.
But I know full-well it’s not always that easy.
The pull towards conformity can be strong. The desire to fit in with popular culture is significant at times. And no matter how old we get, the desire to run with the cool kids can still remain.
But within each of us is a desire that is even stronger—the desire to be ourselves, to embrace the things we love and enjoy and make us unique.
One of the best decisions we can make is to reject the cultural expectations that shift and change with the wind. And to accept the fact that we don’t need to run with the cool kids to be happy.
We can choose to be ourselves instead.
Rukmani Atri says
You are so correct…It’s tough not to conform, however once we make a final call the satisfaction of freedom is amazing! Thanks for the wonderful and thought provoking article. Keep it up!
holly says
I buy new clothes a few times a year, and choose something current, but only if it looks good on me. I think following the trends or wanting to dress/be like one of the cool kids, is something a lot of people just outgrow as they find their own way in life & discover what’s authentic for themselves. But I also think it’s interesting to look at past decades & see what was in style/popular then & how everyone conformed to that one look, like in the 50’s for example. I think today there is a little more versatility with clothing & trends. Trends are changing even faster today because of the influence of fashion blogs & social media.
monicafaye says
You may not think so, but you are really one of the “cool” guys. In every way that matters. Thanks for your blog.
Jen says
Loved the post, thanks again for sharing your gift of writing x
BrownVagabonder says
‘We can choose to be ourselves instead.’
Sometimes I wonder if that is even possible. I try to be myself every day, but there are so many pressures from the people I love, my parents, siblings, my partner, to be someone who I am not. Sometimes it is great advice, as I was going on the wrong path. But sometimes it isn’t.
I am on the right path I believe. I really think that I am being true to myself, and then someone says something that causes me to doubt, rethink, and change my direction. I don’t know when I will ever reach the point where I live my truth without faltering.
Ree Klein says
@brownvagabonder…here’s a secret…everyone falters, even those of us who are convicted about the path we’re on. That’s a human condition. Unless, of course, if you aren’t trying to evolve and become your best you. Failure is a byproduct of growth…one leaf falling from a healthy tree.
Embrace the path you are on, listen to those people you trust, take in the information and choose what to use. Move forward and explore YOUR life!
Be happy, healthy and wealthy ~
Ree
Carine says
True as well as lovely words. Thank you Ree Klein
BrownVagabonder says
@Ree Thank you for your comment! I absolutely loved it. It was the reminder I needed. Of course everyone falters – no one who seems absolutely sure of themselves really is. That is why the saying, ‘Fake it until you make it’, came into being.
I wish happiness, health and wealth to you as well.
dawn meyer says
Solomon asked God for Wisdom. To that end he became not only the wisest man ever, but wealthy beyond expectation and lived a very long life. Make your own path, but choose your direction wisely and everything else will fall into place. BTW, Joshua, I love your posts and read all of them. I am at the overwhelmed stage of becoming minimalist after parting ways with a hoarder husband. I always bordered on minimalism anyway until I got married. I realize now, it was an unhappy marriage from the start. The hoarding scenario was a big part of the disruption in my life. I could never make peace in my life by trying to be someone I am not.
serge says
Brown, that is good to have people in life whose opinion you value. Sometimes, however, first reaction maybe negative but then it is accepted and admired. That is how fashion is made ;)
Brian Gardner says
It’s amazing how stories like this happen everyday. Not just the ones that make for great stories told here on your site, Joshua, but the kind that truly can inspire great writing.
Thankfully you’ve made it a priority in your life to catch the little things, the small moments that matter. And we, as readers, get to benefit from that.
Katie O’Brien says
I was one of those or many years who just wanted to be normal… I was ‘popular’ on the outside but still never felt I ‘fit’ in. I just kinda wanted to feel normal, whatever that was. And many years later, I finally came to the realization we define our own normal. We create our own beautiful. That each one of us is beautiful and unique, it’s pretty nutty to ever want to conform to be anyone other than the beautiful beings we are.
My favorite line from this post was: But within each of us is a desire that is even stronger—the desire to be ourselves, to embrace the things we love and enjoy and make us unique.
Thank you again for another beautiful post. Your words are so inspiring.
Ari Herzog says
A single guy who doesn’t want to be single, I’ve noticed that dating apps tend to ask a question that includes normal and weird as optional answers. I don’t understand what normalcy means so I always choose weird.
penelope says
You are right, we are all just as normal as we want to be.
Judy says
Eventually I find out that “the cool kids” have their own issues…and ultimately, I’m glad I’m me. :)
Jackie Johnson says
Yes, the so called cool kids from my graduating class managed to get us banned from country club where they got drunk and tore up the greens at a class reunion golf tournament. Getting drunk andacting a fool? That’s not cool at all! We’re adults now. We need to grow up, and behave more responsibly. If that makes me uncool, oh well. I’d rather set a good example for my children and grandchildren. I worked at a high school in my forties, and my students thought I was cool. I went the extra mile helping them bring their grades up to graduate. That’s what really matters. Seeing them accept their diplomas knowing I helped, now that’s cool! :-) Jackie Johnson
penelope says
I had a hard time trying to fit in and being normal as a teenager. My parents were well ahead of their time: Organic, hosting refugees, anti consumerism and trying to reduce our footprint on earth.
Today the cool kids from my school live in a suburb, never really left the area they grew up in, and have narrow lives.
I grew up, moved out and made friends who share my values. I live abroad, our kids speak 3 languages, and I definitely not regret the path I took.
Being yourself is making you stronger and priceless. If you follow the crowd, you re just another sheep…
joanna says
This has such open honest truth. I definitely beat to my own drum. But it does sneak in. In reality the cool kids will always be there no matter how old we get.
Jennifer Kaufman says
So I’m curious… did you have any sage advice for her? I would imagine you may have been able to speak some wisdom into her young life even without coming across as a crazy, old(er), countercultural couple :)