“There is nothing more beautiful than someone who goes out of their way to make life beautiful for others.” —Mandy Hale
There are two pursuits common to humanity: the pursuit of self and the pursuit of happiness.
The pursuit of self comes quite natural for us. We don’t need to be reminded to pursue our own self-interests. It seems we are hard-wired for it. We pursue self-survival, self-promotion, self-actualization, and self-exaltation.
Similarly, the pursuit of happiness is not foreign to our thinking. In fact, it has become an entire industry all to itself. Books, websites, conferences, scientific studies, blog posts… you can find them all.
Now, just to be clear, I am not against the pursuit of self-interests and I am not against the pursuit of happiness.
There is value in self-pursuit—survival at the very least. And the pursuit of happiness is not an unhealthy pursuit. It can even be found in the founding documents of our nation.
But we make a mistake when we combine and confuse the two.
When we try to satisfy our pursuit of happiness in the pursuit of self, we always fall short of the truest, most-lasting forms of happiness.
The pursuit of self and the pursuit of happiness are not the same. In fact, at times, they run completely opposite routes.
The best efficient pathway to lasting happiness and fulfillment is not to look only at your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
When we begin living our lives for the sake of others, our lives immediately take on greater value. We no longer live for the benefit of one. We begin living for the benefit of more than one.
When we shift our focus off of ourselves, we live lives of greater meaning and greater contribution. When we serve others without concern over what we might receive in return, we experience the beauty of selfless love.
And when we direct our resources of time and money toward others, we begin to discover pursuits more valuable than material possessions.
This is an important change in our worldview. Not just because the potential for contribution increases, but because our personal experience of happiness begins to grow.
Routinely asking the question, “How does this action benefit someone else?” can serve as an important catalyst to change our view on almost everything we do. It immediately invites a new level of happiness into our lives.
Labor takes on new meaning when it is not seen through a self-serving lens. Rather than worrying exclusively about accolades and paychecks, we begin to see our work as a benefit to society. Most work, viewed correctly, improves the lives of others. Remembering how our labor benefits others is one of the best ways to find more fulfillment in it.
Our daily chores and errands begin to take on new meaning when viewed through the contribution we are providing for our family. When my concern is solely on me and my self-interests, housework is met with frustration and feelings of unfairness. But when I start to consider how my work around the home benefits my family, even mundane tasks can be seen as an opportunity to show love.
Even in my pursuit of personal development, I can recognize how these changes will benefit others. For example, choosing to exercise or eat well lays the foundation for a healthier, physical body. Even our decision to rest prepares our minds for more productivity or creativity to benefit others.
Let’s pursue self. And let’s pursue happiness. But let’s be increasingly mindful of our society’s tendency to equate the two. (tweet that)
jose martin bongao says
our purpose in life is for our one hand to help ourselves and the other hand to help others
Carol Preibis says
Hello Joshua, I’m one of those bloggers who has written a great deal on the topic of “happiness.” As I write each one, I learn more about what Martin Seligman calls “authentic happiness.” Seligman believes that authentic happiness comes from identifying and cultivating fundamental strengths and using them every day in every aspect of life. He describes happiness as having three parts: pleasure, engagement, and meaning. Pleasure is the “feel good” part of happiness. Engagement refers to living a “good life” of work, family, friends, and hobbies. Meaning refers to using our strengths to contribute to a larger purpose. Seligman says that all three are important, but that of the three, engagement and meaning make the most difference to living a happy life.
This post, including something I call a “happiness map,” may be of interest: MINDFULNESS PLUS COMPASSION EQUALS HAPPINESS http://www.ahhthesimplelife.com/mindfulness-plus-compassion-equals-happiness/
Best Wishes!
Carol
Priscilla says
Thank you for the very timely post.
Jennifer says
Great post….just wanted to add a more expansive global & interconnected view on being selfless or a drive to be useful to others…..lets go even further to include animals, nature & environment as an extension of self/others. Far too often have I noticed the extreme drive in society lately towards helping other humans, I do not argue the importance of helping otherhumansbut we are sheer nothingness without animals, nature & environment—thus assisting or thinking of those things produces that state of happiness from helping or thinking of others.
Hope that makes sense!
Tracy @ OurSimpleHomestead says
Oh my…I love this! …”When we begin living our lives for the sake of others, our lives immediately take on greater value. We no longer live for the benefit of one. We begin living for the benefit of more than one.” You need to make that a graphic and share it with everyone!
daphne says
reading this came at the perfect time. i just got in an argument with my husband, so intent was I on the pursuit of self. now it’s time to go apologize in pursuit of happiness.
Laura says
It must be true, after all, Jesus said it plainly: “There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving…”
Eric Ungs says
Great post Joshua. Over the past year or so my view on the pursuit of happiness has changed. I don’t think there can be such a pursuit because happiness is a result of different things. I believe the “pursuit” of happiness stems from the pursuit of self. The pursuit of self could be construed to meaning self serve or selfish. But, through intentional self growth, this kind of pursuit, you take care of your self first to give your best self to others. Much like the demos flight attendants give before takeoff, you put the oxygen mask on first then help others. Meaning; taking care of your own well being, spirituality, taking care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally.
I believe when this foundation is laid our worldview (perspective) shifts, it changes. We are then wholeheartedly able to give and serve others. To care for and take care of others. We are able to see that the mundane, the work has purpose and benefits others. The pursuit of self growth provides clarity to these things. From this pursuit happiness appears.
As always, thanks so much for your post. I love how they always make me think and put me up against my own worldview.
Suzie says
I am going to take a contrary view here. Too often in the past I have put others above myself to my own peril. It is too easy to offer up trite platitudes or overly simplistic philosophy. There are far too many women (myself included) who have spent our lives trying to please others without thinking of how it will impact us. It can sometimes lead to very unfortunate consequences. I have put up with very difficult boyfriends and bosses because I put their interests before my own. I needed to have a mature, realistic, strong sense of self before I was able to truly reach out to others in a healthy, impactful way.
Judy says
We don’t need to “please” boyfriends and bosses.
Janey says
I can relate to your view, Suzie. I’ve had similar experience. In my view, looking out for someone who’s in need is different from giving up my own interest to “please” someone else.
mel says
I was scrolling to see if anyone else did not like the post… I can’t be the only wife/mom who does and does for others, but does not recieve the same in return. Many times I have read something like this and it helps for a little while, then, after awhile.. it all feels like thankless slaving again. How many stay at home moms hear, ‘what did you do all day?’ in an accusing tone at the end of the working spouse’s work day?
Who cares for the caregiver?
Lizzie Hough says
Totally agree. As a Preacher’s daughter, the idea of self denial and focusing on the needs of others was paramount in our daily life. It became a catch 22 for us;there was never an opportunity for us to be, well, us. Our needs, emotionally and spiritually, were too often pushed aside for the “mission statement”. It took YEARS for me to realize that by being the best “me” possible, taking care of self, was doing the best for others…it gave me the freedom I needed to be “selfless in service”. But I had to learn through experience and many of those lessons were hard and scarring and could have been eliminated had there been more self compassion allowed while growing up.
Hazelnut Mocha says
Wow, this post resonates with me in a strong way! I have a passion for helping people get through difficult times in their lives. This passion is there because others took the time to be there for me. There was nothing in it for them, but they selflessly spent hours upon hours, listening to me, guiding me, crying with me, and laughing with me.
I feel so blessed and relish the opportunity to pass on the same love to others, even if I get nothing out of it. I know that it often feels like the things we do for others are not appreciated, or don’t make a difference, but I know from personal experience that it has the potential to change lives. Most of us would not be where we are today if it were not for the selfless love of others that have crossed our paths.
It’s important to remember where we came from, and to do our part to pass the blessing on to others. Everyone deserves to be loved, and yes, participating in this does increase my happiness as well!