The stories we share with one another are important. They provide context and history. They connect us with the past and the people around us. They offer insight. They transfer wisdom. And they provide inspiration.
The stories we choose to share as individuals and as a society are important to our development.
But equally important are the stories we choose not to tell. The stories we choose to withhold from others (and ourselves) are incredibly significant.
I have been struck recently by the imagery of stories purposefully being withheld. I think there is a lesson to be learned from them.
Consider the negative effects of how not sharing a story has become prominent in the news:
The Commissioner of the NFL, America’s most beloved sport, has been under harsh criticism recently for allegedly withholding a story of domestic abuse (or at the very least, choosing not to pursue the story fully).
Similarly, in recent years, Joe Paterno, the beloved football coach, was forced to resign over a story that he refused to tell proper authorities.
Outside the world of athletics, some are wondering if public health officials are withholding too much information about the recent outbreak of Ebola: What We’re Afraid to Say About Ebola
In each case, the decision to not pursue or share a specific story has proven (or may prove) to be damaging to the people involved and society as a whole.
There is a danger in withholding stories that ought to be told. (tweet that)
Bobette Buster said it like this, “The fact is, history has shown us that stories not told can become like an evil genie left in a bottle. When they are finally uncorked, their power to destroy is unleashed.”
But this is not a post about news reports, Public Health Organizations, or Athletic Associations. This is a post about the lives we live and the decisions we make with it.
And unfortunately, too often, we withhold stories from our own lives that could benefit others. The stories are not pretty. Otherwise, we would have already told them. But they have a place in our society and in our conversations with the people closest to us.
There are a number of reasons we hide parts of our story: they often reveal our weaknesses or expose our flaws; they require courage and strength to share; and of course, there are some stories that quite frankly should be kept private—especially those that embarrass someone else.
But as individuals and as a society, we have become too well-versed in withholding stories.
Most of us have two selves: the one we portray on the outside and the one we actually are on the inside. And the better we get at hiding the stories that reveal our true selves, the more damage we may be causing (to ourselves and to others).
Honesty and openness is important:
It proves we are trustworthy. Our human experience testifies that nobody is perfect. And those who seek to portray themselves as such are usually met with a suspicious eye.
It displays we are human. By admitting our weakness, we encourage others that our life is reproducible. We are not perfect or better. We have succeeded despite our weakness, and so can they.
It highlights the importance of hard work and personal development. Each of us start and live every day of our lives with flaws to overcome. Hard work may not allow us to overcome them completely. But it can demonstrate we do not have to be defined by our mistakes.
It allows others to know us (and themselves) better. The greatest desire of every human being is to be fully known and fully accepted. This is love. It is the call of our hearts. Vulnerability allows others to know us with a deeper intimacy—and show even greater love in the process.
It challenges others to share their stories. Vulnerability leads to vulnerability. Admitting weakness and sharing our difficult stories is an incredibly freeing act. It removes burden and weight from our shoulders. And it provides others the freedom and strength to share theirs.
Does this mean we admit every weakness, every flaw, and every secret regret to everybody we meet? No, of course not. There is a time and a place and a certain level of relationship necessary for some stories to be told in an appropriate manner.
But our world would be a better place if we decided to stop hiding our stories from one another.
melissa says
I’m just reading this now but it resonates so much with me. I shared a story on my blog last week that was so very personal but that one post helped so many people to come out of the shadows, including me. If you feel so inclined, you can find the post here http://www.myredtutu.com. Thank you for this…vulnerability is so very powerful!
Rebecca Jorgensen says
This is beautiful. This is truth. Thank you for reminding us that it is not ‘perfection’ that others need to see in us but our imperfection and our vulnerability. That is when we truly learn from each other and grow the most. It really is exhausting holding up the front we think is expected of us.
christina says
Thank you
Madeline says
Thank you for sharing such great insight! Sharing our stories help us connect more deeply. I also think that our vulnerabilities and struggles are a normal part of the human experience. I feel sad that we with-held the richness of those stories. Telling our stories help us own up to our experiences and dispel shame. Another flip side is that in sharing our stories is also the risk of being hurt, judge, or criticize, but beyond the fear that stop us from sharing is self-acceptance, authenticity, and courage. It is no longer about what others think, but in being grounded in who we are.
Kattie says
I hid my own secrets from myself. There was so much to show that they were there but I didn’t see the signs. They did eventually come back to me and I have shared them with specific persons. I also speak of anonymously on my blog. I admire people who can speak openly of it.
joe says
Joshua, thanks for sharing your story. I love your posts because they communicate a truth about everyone, but you add the personal touch. it’s not preachy because you include yourself in the story. you show your own weaknesses and struggles in each post. i love that. my goal in my own blog is to encourage others and to share some truths about ourselves, and to add that personal touch so it’s not preachy but very personal to me. my family is very internet-shy, so i’m cautious with my posts to shield them from internet over-exposure. it’s a fine line there, because family stories are revealing but healing. thanks, joe.
Eric Ungs says
Enjoyed this immensely. I wholeheartedly believe we all have a story worth sharing – the past and the present – that can make a tremendous difference in the lives around us. Whether is just one person or many, our stories are meant to be shared. They are meant to be heard. They are meant to feel a sense of belonging. I think our stories, our personal stories, go untold because we feel like we are alone. Like we are the only ones feeling or thinking this way. I think the deeper we get with our stories the more universal they are. The more we share to more we see that we aren’t alone, that there are more and more people out there just like us, that are thinking and feeling the same things. The context to which those thinkings and feelings transpire are unique to only ourselves, but the underlying core is what becomes universal.
And spot on! -> Vulnerability leads to vulnerability. Love it! It’s contagious. Thanks for the wonderful post.
Eric West says
I’ve noticed that a lot of stories go untold due to competition. It feels like everyone is always competing to be better than everyone else. Some of this might relate to your last post about being cool. Maybe everyone just wants to fit in, but it feels like more than that. It feels like everyone needs to prove that they are better then everyone else around them.
When that’s the case, the stories of failure and vulnerability rarely get shared.
I think it’s important to share the untold stories. I think many of us blog as a way to share these stories. I blog about minimalism and downsizing because it’s a story that not many people share. I want people to know that it’s ok to go against the cultural norms and live with less stuff.
Sasha says
Oh, this is soooo good! I find myself doing this all the time. A lot of it comes from a lack of trust as well. Sometimes, maybe because of past experiences, or fears we’ve fabricated, we don’t believe that there’s a safe place to share our deepest or most flaw-revealing stories. Maybe our stories re-open old wounds or bring us back to a place which we have tried to leave behind.
I know in my case, reading this was perfectly timed because I’ve been struggling with a post that is very personal to write, but I know would bring imense value to the lives of my readers. I get overwhelmed, going off on a million tangents, and end up deflated, and I quit… over and over again. But this post has given me renewed courage.
I love the list of benefits/reasons to be open and honest and tell our stories. Joshua, I love your blog and especially appreciate posts like this :)
White_Tara says
Hi, this is my first comment on your blog. I have become interested in minimalism–or at least “simpler living”–in the past year or so and have been canvasing blogs and pictures on the subject. I think the hidden stories you mentioned all have to do with people not wanting to give things up. In the sports cases, the people who were in the position to do what was right probably did not want to give up their privileged relationships and status, endorsement deals and accolades. That is utter selfishness, of course. I appreciate your insights into these stories.
On the Ebola…well, I have to admit I see the article as a sort of “what if” scenario. I remember similar dire warnings about SARS and H1N1. Not that it couldn’t happen, of course…the truth is that in an interconnected world EVERY disease has the opportunity to go globetrotting and some already have (hello, AIDS virus…) But I see this as a kind of fear mongering.