I have a vivid memory from my teenage years.
One particular winter weekend, my parents left town while my brother, sister, and I (all in our upper teens) stayed home.
Of course, as teenagers tend to do, we weren’t particularly prompt in cleaning the house over the weekend. Dishes got left on the counter, wrappers got left in the living room, dirty clothes got left in random places, and the bathroom counters filled with stuff. Messes popped up everywhere.
(It’s actually pretty surprising how messy a house can get over the course of 4 days with just 3 teenagers… plus a few friends I suppose).
“But hey, not to worry,” we all thought, “our parents won’t get home until late Sunday night. We’ll have plenty of time to clean before they arrive.”
Of course, if you know where this story is heading, our parents pulled back into the driveway hours before their planned return. I can only assume the moment walking through the front door and seeing our mess everywhere was just as memorable for them as it was for us.
If they found any enjoyment in their weekend away, it vanished within seconds of opening the door. A mess is never enjoyable.
I have since come to view messes differently these days and have learned the importance of cleaning along the way.
It was Gretchen Rubin’s one-minute rule that changed my view on cleaning messes. As she explains it:
“It’s very simple: I must do any task that can be finished in one minute. Hang up my coat, read a letter and toss it, fill in a form, answer an email, note down a citation, pick up my phone messages, file a paper, put a dish in the dishwasher, replenish the diaper supply by the changing table, put the magazines away… and so on.”
That habit has changed my life in countless ways. By cleaning messes immediately when they arise, we bring positive effect on our lives.
Conversely, messes that collect and remain over time have a negative impact on our lives:
- They weigh on us mentally because we always know, in the back of our mind, they need to be handled.
- Messes that are not cleaned become harder to clean over time. I always think of tomato sauce on a plate… easy to clean immediately, hard to clean later.
- Messes that are not cleaned gather blame. Over time, we even begin to debate who caused the mess in the first place.
- Messes that are not cleaned collect more mess. Clutter collects on top of clutter and the mess gets bigger and bigger.
It is far better, by every possible measure, to simply clean our messes right away.
This holiday season, clean up any messes that occur in your home. And do so immediately, rather than allowing them to exist and grow.
—
But maybe, the importance of cleaning up messes this holiday season should extend beyond the pile of dishes in your kitchen sink.
Maybe there are greater “messes” that call for your attention and this is the season to finally take a step toward resolving them.
The holiday season is to be a celebration of peace, goodwill, reconciliation, and love. But for many families, thoughts of peace rarely accompany the holiday season. Instead, years of bitterness, resentment, and depression have piled up on top of misconceptions, misunderstandings, and misbehavior.
Messes have emerged… and continue to remain.
Family peace was lost years ago—and is yet to be reclaimed.
It seems to me this year, more than any other, we are being reminded of the importance of close relationships. We’re being reminded that at the end of the day, what really matters is that your loved ones are safe and you’ve done your best to live your life to the fullest.
Maybe this holiday season is the holiday season to clean up any remaining messes—within your family or other close relationships that need resolution.
But how do we accomplish this?
1. Admit that a mess exists.
Relationships are not always easy. If there is something between you and a loved one or an old friend, take notice and admit it’s time to work toward resolution.
2. Get over trying to assign blame.
Messes never get cleaned if we continually blame others for it. The mess may not be your fault, but if everybody keeps waiting for the other person to take the first step, it will never happen.
3. Decide to be the one to take the first step.
Determine to be the peacemaker. You may think you have time to do it later, but this year has taught us that is not always the case.
4. Take one step.
Make the bold decision to be the first in your family to offer peace and reconciliation and take one step. Maybe just a simple phone call, “Hey, I’m just calling to wish you happy holidays. I know we’ve had disagreements in the past, but I just want you to know that I love you very much and I hope we can put them behind us…”
5. Mentally prepare for any response.
One small step may be all that is needed to begin bringing closure. Or, it may not. You may not receive the response you desire and may experience rejection again. So be mentally prepared for any response. Either way, you have done the right thing and accept their response with grace.
6. In all circumstances, seek to leave every relationship better than you found it.
One of my first bosses taught me that when I saw him bend down and pick up a dirty paper towel off the bathroom floor. “Joshua, leave every room cleaner than you found it,” he said. The principle should also apply to our relationships.
This holiday season, leave every room a little cleaner than you found it.
And leave every person a little better than you found them as well.
This season more than ever. And this year more than ever.
Your opening reminded me of a time during my college years. My folks had gone to a (Cincinnati) Reds weekend, and I had “the gang” over after a wedding. We made a mess, but I was determined to have it cleaned up without a trace. I was so proud of myself, but my Dad saw some sticky something under the kitchen garbage can, (we had a 5-gal. IN our kitchen, tells you something about the home) and questioned me about it. My reaction was “Oh darn! I wanted to fool you!” and I would have told them later!
My latest project is clearing all the high and low cabinets. I can’t climb very well any more, and bending is difficult. Every week, another box of dishes or glassware goes to Goodwill. Bags of clothing have gone to Salvation Army. Plastic bags, paper, glass and more gets recycled.
My daughter ‘s office is closed to the public. She let me in to water the plants and recycle papers.
With all my efforts, we still have plenty of stuff.
A good article, meaningful for the holiday season. Greetings Joshua!
Messy family relationships…
Not all relationships are reconcilable. Sometimes the damage done is too painful to revisit and possibly dangerous for some.
Not all people deserve a place in your heart – holiday time or not.
I believe some messes need to be left for a higher power to declutter and transform because we cannot – for good, sane reasons. Let go and let God.
Wishing them well in your thoughts & prayers, and living a peaceful life is forgiveness.
As for leaving places and people better… I try to be that “one good thing” in someone’s day everyday. A smile, a thank you, a helping hand, a short conversation, a donation (whatever it may be) can be that “one good thing” in someone’s day.
Especially when abuse was involved and the person(s) hasn’t changed. “Get over assigning blame” doesn’t bode well for victims of child abusers.
Perfect timing. I have a craft room that needs some TLC. I have things in there that won’t work in any other rooms and no longer using an attic….if it has to go in the attic, it goes out the door to a thrift shop, etc. But the things on the floor in boxes in the craft room; some sentimental like pictures…..I decided I will select on from each family (family gallery) and the rest I will pack away. Maybe I will change them out from time to time. But I am eyeing the things I thought I had to have, which I haven’t touched for over a year now, they will leave and no longer be a part of the mess in that room. Being able to shut the door and walk out is so nice, but walking back in, I feel probably like your parents felt……not so nice. So thanks once again for the shot in the arm of encouragement to take care of clean up this mess. Have a wonderful weekend.
This is a good article to keep remind me for having good life with less thing and more joyful moments.
Thanks and happy holiday!
Reader from Asia
A very recent diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis leaves me struggling to accomplish what I took for granted. Life events force us to rethink our messes. Thank you Joshua for this important messge.
This is so helpful and refreshing! Thank you! Mary
Really good article. Hits all kinds of clutter and this time of the year it can all be messy. Thanks for the 2 fold insight!
Happy Holidays!
Thank you for this amazing article ?
Thank you Joshua. I love the advice in this article. So simple.
What really resonated with me is your statement ‘leave every person a little better than you found them’. I am taking that on board as a life mission for me.
Wishing you and your family a blessed Christmas season from Downunder
My disability has worsened this year to the extent that I’m mobilising painfully on two crutches and have a carer come in each morning to help me with personal care. My previous practice of being well organised had deteriorated over time and the I found myself becoming irritated by the build-up of what now felt like clutter. Putting things away as I went was becoming exhausting (I also have M.E.) and was leaving me feeling defeated and with no energy. Over time a solution presented itself… I would use 5 or 10 minutes of the carers time each day to put things away, e.g. hang washing on the airer, fold and put dry washing away, empty the regular and the recycling bin as and when, make the bed, put the papers I had been working on back in my spare room/study etc etc. It is a blessed relief each morning when these simple things are done quickly and with ease leaving me with some energy, albeit still limited, for the day ahead.
Happy Thanksgiving
Thank you for this. Especially during the
holiday season. We all need to do some picking up and leaving a room cleaner than it was
Thanksgiving is wonderful! Especially when there’s lots of kids around. I particularly love silly teenagers that keep ya laughing. It’s the best! I enjoy the decadent food…and a nice glass of wine. Stuffing!!! Pumpkin pie!!! Who wouldn’t be thankful!!! ?
Thanksgiving is a horrible holiday; the food is not particularly healthy, you feel bloated and tired after it. No one has ever said to me on thanksgiving…”you have to have some more of this fresh steamed broccoli.” It is waste of time with football or parade on the television, and more so than other family events, a hotbed for jealousy, boredom, gossip and the teasing of children by some lonely relative. A food carnage feast and a holiday about being thankful is not a natural combination. Endless invitations come my way hoping I will come to other people’s homes and neutralize some difficult relative they have. I think Thanksgiving should be called anti-Thanksgiving. The holiday involves horrible peer pressure to participate, and eat, etc. The women fight over cleaning up afterwards…who wants to stay seated at a dinner table listening to gibberish. People flying all over the US for this holiday is kind of a decadence that adds to it. And throw in that some stores start Christmas shopping and why are people shopping; people have too much stuff and clutter. How many churches (non-Catholic) are open on Thanksgiving for a service to give thanks…..very very few, almost none.
Happy Anti-Thanksgiving.
Wow.
Thanks for opening your heart. Look for love.
Dan,
Holidays can be a difficult time for a lot of people, and they are not enjoyable for everyone. Sorry if this time of year is difficult and frustrating for you.
Well Dan, this year you have Covid-19 as a good reason to stay home. I’d suggest that you use that reason a lot & enjoy your quiet solitude.
Dan,
Holidays can be hard for a lot of people and many people find this time of year to be difficult. I am sorry if these days are tough for you.
Silly me – accidentally commented twice!
Dan, maybe you need new people. Or, and I believe it to be true, from your tone, you are part of the many problems you perceive.
I suggest you:
Set an example for the ones with whom you appear to be stuck.
Play games with the children.
Bring the fresh steamed broccoli,
Steer gossipy conversation into another direction.
Help the women do the clean up. Get another male to do the same…peer pressure can be for good.
Do not concern yourself about the fact that families travel great distances to get together; perhaps their families enjoy each other’s company. Perhaps they play games with their children, avoid gibberish and jealousy and boredom by engaging in loving ways.
How people spend their time and money is not your concern. A flight to see Grandma one last time, to see a new baby your sister waited 13 years to finally conceive and deliver safely..,.who knows other peoples’ stories and why do you make them part of yours?
Finally, go to a church service on Thanksgiving… all denominations in our community gather in the morning to give thanks for their friends, family (warts and all), shelter, food and the love others share.
The most surprising thing you write by the way, “endless invitations come my way”, leaves me stunned. You are invited to be a peacemaker? Maybe start with your own family?
Happy Thanksgiving!
You’re not the only one who finds the holidays stressful. Our daughter got engaged last October to a lovely man who has stepped in as a father to our grandchildren. Last Thanksgiving my daughter messaged me to tell me we were invited to his aunt’s house for Thanksgiving but that she had declined for us because his aunt had multiple dogs and cats which would bother my allergies. Hubby was hurt. Asked me if she was embarrassed or ashamed of him because he’s disabled. I was feeling bad for him since my allergies were excluding him. I also had food sensitivities so I told him it was probably more that than anything. I told him that since this was the first year that perhaps our daughter found it less stressful for just the four of them to go. She has two kids from a previous marriage. Found out two weeks later that the aunt only had two dogs, one of which was hypoallergenic and I would have been fine. Then found out over this summer that her fiance is severely allergic to cats. All a lie. This year we don’t know if we were invited or not so hubby and I are having a non-traditional dinner of spare ribs with sides. Our daughter and her crew were supposed to come over for dessert on Thanksgiving if everyone was healthy. I told my husband then that she was giving herself an out. She sent my husband a text yesterday saying that our grandson was running a fever and it wasn’t looking good. In the meantime our granddaughter texted hubby to ask if he was recording the Dallas/Giants game for them to watch together. He had to tell her what her mom had said but to keep fingers crossed. So now we won’t know until later today or on Thanksgiving if they’re even coming. Either way we’ll be fine but it makes me wonder if her fiance knows about our daughter’s shenanigans. I also worry about the example she’s setting for her kids and how we become complicit in the lies.
Re physical mess, our household has the 1,2,5 rule. Touch item 1 time (hang coat when you come home, don’t put it somewhere only to be moved to closet later). 2 minute rule is like your one minute . Use one’s 5 fingers when leaving a room ie pick up something a return to proper place elsewhere in house.
Re other messes. We had one in our family earlier this year but have worked it out. Love binds us together
Happy Thanksgiving