“Twenty-five years ago, Christmas was not the burden that it is now. There was less haggling and weighing, less quid pro quo, less fatigue of body, less wearing of soul; and, most of all, there was less loading up with trash.” —Meredith Deland in Harper’s Bazaar, 1904
Giving gifts is an expression of love, and it has been for thousands of years. Well before our consumer-driven society, people offered gifts as a sign of respect and admiration. Kings, peasants, and everyone in-between.
This is not an argument for no longer giving gifts to people we love. I think giving gifts is great. But I do think it would be wise for us to rethink how we give them.
And the sooner, the better:
28% of shoppers are entering the holiday season still paying off debt from last year’s gift shopping!
Over 50% of holiday shoppers either overspend their holiday budget or do not set one at all.
Consumers who went into debt over the holiday season racked up an average of $1,054 in new debt over the timeframe.
I suppose this might be okay if our gifts were legitimately enriching the lives of other people. But the statistics say otherwise:
53.1% of people report to receiving unwanted gifts during Christmas.
$16 billion is wasted on unwanted gifts every year.
Some reports indicate up to 18% of gifts are never used by the person who receives them. 4% are immediately thrown into the trash.
Whenever I speak on minimalism and take questions afterward, the two most common questions are 1) How do I implement minimalism in a family? And 2) How do I handle and/or tell loved ones to stop giving me so many gifts?
And none of this even begins to mention the amount of stress and worry piled on to the holiday season with our attitudes toward gift-giving.
As someone recently said to me, “Thanksgiving may be my favorite holiday season. It’s got family and food and tradition. It’s just like Christmas, but without the gift-giving expectations and stress.”
I think it’s time we rethought how we approached the act of gifting gifts during the holiday season. Our current approach is not benefiting the people we love, nor is it adding to the joy of the season.
Times have changed.
For one, material goods exist in far greater excess than ever before. Consider this, human beings own more “things” today than at any point in human history. In America, the average home has tripled in size in the last 50 years. And still 10% of Americans rent offsite storage to house their stuff… and an even higher percentage can’t park their car in the garage because it’s too full. We’ve reached peak-stuff. People don’t want more, they want less (the growth of this blog and the minimalist movement over the years since it began stand as proof).
Additionally, and probably more important, very few people wait for the holidays to receive what they want anymore. Because goods have become so accessible and inexpensive, a high percentage of people just go buy whatever they want, whenever they want. This leads to countless moments of saying, “I don’t know what to get __________, he already has everything.” I can remember that phrase being said 30 years ago. But nowadays, it’s true about far more people than ever before.
I honestly think it’s time for us as a society to start rethinking our holiday gift-giving attitudes.
This has happened before. Most historians trace our current attitude toward Christmas shopping back to the 1850’s. This may seem like a long time ago. But 150 years, compared to the timeline of human history, is not all that long.
Our thinking as a society toward gift giving has changed in the past, and it can do so again.
How do we bring about this change?
1. We keep the conversation alive. Share this article. Or share others that are similar. Start the conversation among your friends and family members.
2. Control what you can. Request a change in what you personally receive. Ask for no gifts this year or ask that the money be donated to a charity rather than spent on clutter.
3. Look for buy-in among like-minded people.
Before buying a whole bunch of stuff for your loved ones this holiday season, ask if your loved ones even want a whole bunch of stuff this holiday season. (tweet that)
Or look for new traditions in your family. Maybe you only buy gifts for people under the age of 18. Or decide to limit the amount of gift-giving stress by drawing names, rather than everyone buying gifts for everyone else.
Approach the conversation with your family. Many families have changed how they give gifts, and most people are thankful for the change. It usually just takes one person to approach the others with a new idea. But now is the time to have that conversation.
4. Find new ways to give gifts. Look to consumables, experiences, or pooling money for one significant gift rather than piles under the tree.
5. Find new ways to make the season memorable. Holidays are important. They establish tradition, stability, and shared experiences among family members. Look for new ways to promote memories (time together, meals together, religious experiences together) that do not center around stuffing used wrapping paper into a trash bag.
It will take effort to change societal expectations around our current gift-giving habits—especially with the amount of money being spent to encourage it. But we can start with our families, and allow them to enjoy the freedom of new expectations first.
Barbara Hope says
Give a donation to a favorite charity in that person’s name. The charity can certainly benefit and if the person doesn’t get it, they probably didn’t t deserve shift in the first place.
Cathy Cronce says
I read something on FaceBook that has changed my gift-giving this year. It suggested giving 4 gifts to children or grandchildren; 1) One you want, 2) One you need 3) One to wear, 4) one to read. I have really paid close attention to and listened to my grandchildren even more than I usually do so that I can find something meaningful for each category for them. It has made it much more fun and meaningful for me as the gifter and I think each gift will mean more to them. Oh, and I set a budget also.
Patti Wiggins says
I did this same thing this year with my 4 grandsons and it really made shopping fun! I look so forward to seeing their faces when they get their gifts-4 each!
Grmrsan says
I read that too, and though I agree with minimizing, and 4 gifts is great, and they do not need to be expensive or large, I disagree with “need” and “wear” as gifts. (Unless the wearable item is something they actually want). Otherwise “need” and “wear” should be freely offered already, without turning them into special “gifts”. Food, clothing, shelter, school/mefical supplies are things your child SHOULD be able to take for granted daily. Not hope they get for Christmas.
Sara says
We think of it a bit differently. I enjoy finding everyday stuff, wrapping it creatively, then make a riddle of age appropriate type the person has to get. If you think of feeling gratitude for even the everyday things, but see this with humor, it becomes really fun.
Everything we have is a gift.
Wendy Plummer says
Food, shelter, needs and clothing are not readily available to every child. Those who do not have much are more than excited to get new clothing or school supplies or toiletries. It’s a nice guideline and can certainly be tweaked by each giver but we should be careful when assuming all homes are like the ones we may be fortunate to live in.
Heather says
Have you ever parented teenagers? We do the “want, need, wear, read” and wear is something that I might not spring for otherwise, like that expensive pair of leggings they been wanting or that sweater they’ve had their eye on. Need is usually turned into fun. An item that is useful but isn’t a dire need. Like a new electric blanket, for example.
Deborah B Lefevre says
Amen, I agree. Expectations far exceed the joy of giving unless we all figure out a way to give back on Christmas by paying it forward. There are great ideas in this blog.
We only exchange gifts of time in my family, and I started that ten years ago-including birthdays and anniversaries. I will remember a trip or an excursion forever, but will often forget who gave me that 10th scarf I didn’t need.
One year my friend gave me a trip to an organic farm in Lancaster to see how one was run from A-Z. Last year our best friends gave us a cheese-making course at Valley Shepperd Farm in Long Valley, NJ – and at the end of the six-hour course, we all made a five-pound wheel of Edam-style cheese, which we picked up 4 months later when it had aged appropriately! It was absolutely delicious!!
Giving gifts of time requires much more creativity and thought than clicking and buying on the internet- and in the end, everyone loves those gifts of time so much more than another useless “thing”.
Emily B says
This may defeat the whole purpose of this article. My kids (aged 9-15) have too many clothes, too many books, too much stuff. What is it all for? Isn’t gift giving meant to demonstrate love and connection? If someone’s “love language” is gifts, then get them something they want. Otherwise, don’t. Give them something else that helps them feel loved. Experiences are a great way to build connection.
Connie says
We do 3 gifts, cause that’s how many the baby Jesus received. It served our family well over the years. I am not a religious person. But I try to keep the Christian spirit in the celebration.
Rose says
I like the idea of ONE perfect gift, because that’s the number of gifts God gave to man in the person of Jesus.
Justonemom says
I have many children, mostly grown, with their significant others, 14 grandchildren, a couple of dear friends, my parents, and a sister that I have always lavished gifts upon to the what has amounted to a lot of debt for me. The siblings and grand kids draw names every year. This year I am TRYING to change. I am having my kids bring a pair of wool socks to the sibling Christmas party which we will donate to a shelter. I’m giving my grandkids cash or gift card in a card. Saving myself TIME and stopping myself from over spending, also saving on wrapping paper etc. For my kids I have asked that they do not buy me anything. For them I have made home crafted candles and soap. If I see something inexpensive that I think they would like I might toss that in a gift bag with the candles. It’s really really challenging for me but we all have more than we need to be happy already. My plan is to hand make them gifts each year. IF I can! My husband and I aren’t gifting each other and we will go for a trip instead.
Deb says
This is what I’m striving for, too! Great ideas!!
Carolyn says
Sounds like my family. I do much the same. Even downsizing home. “Stuff” is overrated! People, even family think you’re made of money because you know how to manage it and bargain shop. They laugh at my bargains, but i laugh all the way to the bank. Christmas was a struggle when they were little and now that they are grown the struggles are still there, but different! Glad we’re happy and healthy and can reminisce about most of the past!
Kerry Wilson says
How do I handle and/or tell loved ones to stop giving me so many gifts?
A: ask them to make a donation in your name to your favorite charity and offer them a few options
Cindy “Lou Who” Walker says
Our family has adopted some of these same new traditions. Only giving to Grandchildren, some years white elephant or one person gift exhange. I think donating to the needy we could do more of.
But my question is what is up with the euphoria I feel with the trees, lights, wrapping paper, ribbons and bows. Seriously, the picture in your blog of the beautiful red and silver wrapping paper just hits my pleasure Center like this choir singing. It’s like an addiction.
Gray says
We did the white elephant gift exchange this year with my sisters and their families and my mom. It was SO nice to not have all the presents. Less anxiety for sure. It was fun and easy- less wasted money on things people didn’t want or need. Creates more time to spend together rather than shopping and opening so many gifts they probably won’t like anyways. Ha! Even the kids liked it. I got a waffle iron (which I still may not use), but I really don’t even care about the gifts. I just want to spend time with family and then go home to my dogs ?.
Lisa says
This can also be applied to weddings, they are so expensive, and for what? Half end in divorce. When all you need is a justice of the piece and a simple ceremony. In the end, it’s all the same. Your married with a piece of paper.
Gray says
I totally agree! I have friends that have spent over 50k for ONE night or their life. That is crazy to me. I always think of it as “that could be 30 vacations with years of memories.” To each their own, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I spent that much for a one night wedding celebration. No way.
Richard says
My brother in law had a very, very wealthy son who had young children of his own back in the ’80s. A six year old boy was given every imaginable toy and battery powered gizmo imaginable but his preferred gift by far was a worn out old electric drill given to him by his observant and very wise grandfather.
Carol Baker says
If someone had given my brother an electric drill when he was six years old, he would have drilled our house into non-existence.
Anne Stephenson says
But think of the fun he would have had! ??
deb says
For the last two years my daughter asked for no more toys for her now four year old twin girls. Last year she asked that gift money be given for year long passes to the zoo. This year the gift money will be used to purchase an outdoor gym set for the girls. I certainly don’ t mind because it lessens my shopping burdon.
Liza says
My grandmother decided to give her children and seven grandkids an “experience” instead of gifts for the first time this year. So this Christmas, instead of nice things we do not necessarily need, we’re all heading off to a beautiful hotel at a famous estate with great gardens, a castle, fun activities and fancy food. She’s thrilled with herself because all of her grandkids can’t stop talking about it, and we are thrilled to get to do such a fun thing for the holiday instead of normal presents!