“Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.” —Bernard M. Baruch
Long before becoming minimalist or embracing my love for writing, I attended a Graduate School in St. Paul, MN to major in Theological Studies. It was an intensive three-year program that focused on spiritual understanding and spiritual formation—I have since come to realize there is indeed a great difference between the two.
As part of an assignment for a personal development class, I was asked to refrain from speaking for 24 hours. “Pick any normal day,” the professor said, “and try not to say anything. That’s your assignment. We’ll talk about your experience when we return next week.”
The assignment was met with skepticism. But as I woke up on my selected day, within the first hour, I began to see the logic. By the end of the 24-hour period, my view of communication and the words we choose had changed forever. And I learned valuable truths about myself and my motivations.
It was, in fact, far more enlightening than I ever imagined.
As the professor outlined the assignment, he warned, “It’s very likely you will have to speak at some point during the day. It is difficult to make it through an entire day without communicating at all. But when you do have to speak, immediately go back to silence. Find space to dwell on the words you chose and the motivations behind them.”
This, then, became the greatest learning opportunity of the experiment. After speaking and returning to silence, my mind was left to dwell on the words I chose, my attitude in my speech, and my internal motivation behind it. Or when I didn’t speak, but really wanted to, I was forced to discover why I wanted to speak in each situation.
I quickly learned of my desire to control situations or convert someone to my opinion. Sometimes my words were motivated by love, but far more often than I’d like to admit, they were motivated by selfish pursuits, personal ambition, or a desire to impress others.
We often speak for the purpose of control: to control what people think of us or to make sure people do what we want done in the way we want it. We often use our words to cover-up or hide our mistakes or faults. We use words to explain ourselves to others. Hugh Prather may have been right when he said, “No matter what we talk about, we are talking about ourselves.”
Refusing to speak forces us to embrace silence. And in a world addicted to noise, idle chatter, and meaningless words, silence can be very uncomfortable. But there is great life to be found in solitude—if only we’d give it opportunity.
It was, indeed, a heart-revealing assignment that resulted in personal (and spiritual) development. Even 10 years later, I remember it well and I have recommended it countless times to others. Today, I recommend it to you.
To conduct a 24-hour experiment of your own, here are a few helpful tips:
1. Choose a “normal” day. For example, don’t choose a day you already planned to be alone in the woods or driving a car alone for 8 hours. Choose a day where you will engage in normal relationships with other people. Avoid excessive external stimulation: MP3 players, radio, television, video games. Provide space for your thoughts.
2. Inform your closest relationships. Tell your spouse and/or kids about your experiment. If appropriate, inform your co-workers. This will be helpful as the day unfolds—and a bit comical as they try really hard to get you to talk.
3. Don’t be rude. Don’t be unloving. Just decide not to speak unless you are spoken to.
4. Study the silence. Is it difficult? Uncomfortable? Do you feel an urge to talk just to break it? And if so, why?
5. Notice your urge to speak. They will be far more common than you expect. Investigate your intention when you feel the urge. For what reason did you feel compelled to speak?
6. When you do speak, choose words that are “few and full.” And then return to your discipline.
7. After you speak, journey inward. Wrestle with the words you chose. Why did you choose them? What were you hoping to accomplish? And what were your internal motivations in choosing the words you did?
8. If possible, choose a friend to do the experiment with you. You can send them this post for motivation and information. Afterwards, share your victories and your failures. Together, you’ll be able to process the day better.
Talking can be fun. But silence can be life-transforming. We would be wise to provide it more opportunity.
Image: John Lemieux
What is the difference between spiritual formation & spirotual understanding?
Oh thank you so much for this article! I have just, in recent months, realized how often I make any conversation about me …. Even if I think I’m only trying to agree with the person I always end up with a personal example or comment …. I dislike it almost to the point of hating it and I have prayed every time I’m getting together with anyone or a group that God would zip my lips … I’ve succeeded a few times but fall back into the trap and walk away muttering to myself ‘you did it again! It’s NOT all about you!’ I have started apologizing… a lot … for my bad habit and now I’ve seen it in print – here – and some ideas for how to avoid it I thank you
Hello Diana –
I am a high school teacher. More often than not we need to pass on the knowledge we want to share and hoping this student will be listening – I know this because I often mean well – as I have been told so many time about me and it would be a challenge to do differently as Joshua wrote
You sound like a very forgiven persons and perfect friend to a person who has so much to tell but prefer others to hear what you have to say. High school kids would often do this!
Being a minimalist , well for me it is the road to success. There is always a lot more room for improvement….
Best –
Bonnie
Hello Diana –
I am a high school teacher. More often than not we need to pass on the knowledge we want to share and hoping this student will be listening – I know this because I often mean well – as I have been told so many time about me and it would be a challenge to do differently as Joshua wrote
You sound like a very forgiven persons and perfect friend to a person who has so much to tell but prefer others to hear what you have to say. High school kids would often do this!
Being a minimalist , well for me it is the road to success. There is always a lot more room for improvement….
Best –
Bonnie
Thank you so much for this. It is a wonderful reminder.
As a senior in high school many many years ago my entire behavioral science class was given this very same assignment. Even as a person who was shy and rather quiet I struggled with this. I can still remember, later in that day seeing/watching a guy from my class sit quietly while I was talking away. I wondered how he was doing it while I talked and felt guilty for doing so.
Now as a retired 63 year old, I often think of how much I do talk and how little I really say. I have a place I go for a bit of socializing but am finding myself more and more wanting to talk only if spoken to. This article is giving me the push to do this even more. Thank you so much ??
I was very quiet as a kid. There was a lot of guilt for that. People look at you as shy or talk down on you for it. It is almost like people thought something was wrong with me. Or maybe I just thought people thought that. Now that I am older I don’t care as much what people think and realize I just don’t like to talk that much. When I do talk it’s to the point. I am very aware of what is going on around me. I can discern what a person is like real fast. I am a great listener. Now don’t get me wrong I can talk a lot and be loud if needed. But generally speaking I just like to be quiet. I like nature and loud people annoy me. It’s who I am. I wish there wasn’t a prejudice on people like me. But if they don’t like it it’s their problem.
It’s now 2021 and I have just discovered this post! Post-Covid and coming out the other side. I have always been a ‘chatty Cathy’ – my life, my work….everything revolved around talking. Four years ago I retired to Spain and I’ve learned to slow down – not just physically, but mentally too. It’s an amazing country – one foot in the 19th century, the other foot in the 21st – and there are many, many contradictions. It wrong-footed me at first and I suffered. Gradually, I allowed myself to slide into the lifestyle and I think a lot about how, why, where and let the when look after itself. Thank you for your truly wise words, I’m going to have a go, I’m in the right place and time to accept what I discover……..
I am looking forward to trying this. Just wondering if writing should be avoided, too.
Thanks for all of your wonderful ideas!
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I discovered the writings of Thomas Merton 25 years ago and realized for the first time that my life could be richer, deeper and more meaningful if I simply talked less and with more intention.
Silence helps me to listen more deeply and with more compassion, think more clearly and practice the present moment with more clarity. Paradoxically, choosing to speak even 10% less puts me more in touch with others not less. The only regret I have is that I have not applied what I learned more consistently.