“My kids have too much stuff.”
It is a complaint I have heard from parents countless times. And it’s certainly not a complaint entirely unwarranted.
The statistics would seem to back up the argument:
- British research found that the average 10-year-old owns 238 toys but plays with just 12 daily (The Telegraph).
- 3.1% of the world’s children live in America, but they own 40% of the toys consumed globally (UCLA).
- In the United States, we spend $371 per child annually on toys. In the UK, the dollar amount is closer to $450 (World Atlas).
So I get it, our kids have stuff. Probably too much. But I think, as parents, we too often put the blame for this reality on the wrong person.
Our kids do have lots of toys and clothes and video games and crafts. But let’s remember, they aren’t the ones with the steady paychecks and they didn’t organize their last birthday party.
If there are too many toys in your playroom, you put them there—or, at the very least, you allowed them to stay.
Even worse, often times, our kids are simply following our lead. When the average American home contains 300,000 items, how upset can we really get that our kids own 238 toys? And when 33% of us can’t fit both cars in our double-garages, how unreasonable is it to assume our child will fill their art and craft drawer to overflowing?
In a society that encourages consumerism at every turn, what else should we expect? Our children are only following our lead.
But this is not just a societal issue, it’s a personal one as well.
I sometimes wonder what the three most common words are in American homes. Is it “I love you?” Or, is it…
- “It’s on sale!”
- “I want that!”
- “Watch this ad.”
- Or “Let’s go shopping!”
Haven’t we all witnessed (and/or experienced) the parent who gets upset with their child at the store?
A weary mother or father pushes their child around a store while the boy or girl almost obligatorily reaches for items on the shelves—asking, and then demanding, this or that.
After repeated answers of “No,” the frustration begins to grow. Finally, the parent puts their foot down in the situation. And the child responds with their own expression of frustration and anger. It’s certainly not a rare occurrence.
A wise parent once told me, “It’s a good sign to see a child throwing a fit in a store. Usually it means the parent is being the responsible one and not just giving in to every desire of the child.” And I agree, boundaries are helpful for children.
In fact, children who do not learn boundaries become adults who do not define them.
But I would like to argue today, that as parents, maybe we are getting mad at the wrong person. Rather than pointing out the unbecoming nature of our child’s behavior, maybe we should start looking at the fingers pointing back at us.
Almost certainly, our child did not drive to Target on their own. Our kids are in the store because we took them there—usually because we wanted (or “needed”) to buy something for ourselves or our family. And this is what you do in a store, isn’t it? You grab things off the shelf, you put them in your cart, and then you take them home.
No wonder our kids ask us to buy them stuff at the store… they’ve seen us buy things for ourselves a thousand times before.
Granted, there are legitimate reasons to go shopping. I’m not arguing against all consumption.
But we ought to remember that our children are watching us closely. Whether we like it or not, they are soaking up values from us as parents about how to live, how to work, how to achieve significance… and how to spend money. And if we are constantly desiring things we don’t need, why would we expect anything else from our kids?
Maybe we should stop getting mad at them for wanting things at Target… and start questioning if we really needed to be there in the first place.
Lorraine Reynolds says
Although I can see this article does have some basis in truth, it is not true for all. I have children – one who asks for stuff everyday (and I never take shopping with me). The other never asks for things. The one who asks sees things online, and is also obsessed with gaming – he also has special needs. And he never asks for anything small. Everyday our computer isn’t good enough, he wants a new console, or wants a new game. I have to say no, we really don’t have the money. My computer is 5 years old, we bought it when the other one died beyond repair, our printer is about a year old – again only replacing one that had become unusable.
He doesn’t come shopping as he can’t handle it. Yes he has probably seen me buy stuff online an odd time or two. But none of our family are big shoppers.
So although there are take aways in this article it is not true for all families or all kids.
What are we teaching our children about shopping? Is a thought provoking question. And one I probably do need to address with my kids.
Sadie says
My son is two. What works for us is: We let him admire toys in the store. We let him play with toys in the store. When it’s time to leave, we tell him that those toys have to stay in the store. He sometimes asks, “Can we take it home with us?” and we say, “No.” Does he sometimes throw a fit? Yes. When he does, we sympathize with him. It’s frustrating to not be able to do everything you would like. But we try to bring him back around to the notion that he had a nice time playing with that toy in the store, and he also has nice toys at home to play with, and even better, a big park down the street.
Avoiding the fit isn’t the point of parenting. Working through the fit to learn about life is the point.
Jen says
Yes! I occasionally take my older child into the big box store with me when I need to pick up a few things but before we go in, I make a point of telling her, “We are only going in for X, Y and Z today.” If she starts to ask for toys, etc, I tell her that is not what we came for today and it’s not on my (usually pretty short) list. And I remind her that we have enough already at home.
Alessia | handmadetoast.com says
I’ve just discovered your blog and I am so happy more and more people are talking about living with less and being equally content.
Thanks for this article too. I haven’t got kids of my own but I wonder how I would teach youngsters to be minimalist in this day and age.
Sharon says
When mine were in school I did my shopping at that time and if I had to take them, they knew if they had a fit in the store they would not be allowed to go next time, which usually meant no going to eat or getting an ice cream or something. I have grandkids now and when I did go they are usually told that if they are good they will get a treat. That might be a small toy, a sucker or go to McDonald’s. If they start to get upset about something, they are reminded, no treat!
Maria says
Thank you for this post. It was extremely useful to me read about “it is a good sign to see a kid throw a fit…” and about kids needing boundaries. I tell my 3 old son that if he throws a fit he won’t get his way and I stick to my word. But now a days it seems to me that I’ve been judge by the other people at the store for not giving him what he wants. That is consumerism.
Annie says
I was at Target this past weekend and while I was in the checkout line, I suddenly heard a kid screaming in the lane next to me. The parents were speaking a language I couldn’t understand but it looked like the mom had taken a toy away from the kid and was telling the dad that they shouldn’t buy the toy and the dad (who probably felt embarrassed that his kid was causing such a scene) was telling the mom to just let the kid have the toy. After going back in forth for a few minutes, they ended up giving the toy to the kid and the kid stopped screaming. It reminded me of this post so I thought I’d share!
Drew Simpson says
Hey Josh, loved this post. I love the idea of my wife and I having a limited number of toys for our kid. What would your response be to the statement that having more toys and more diverse toys aids in a child’s development. That seems to contradict the philosophy of having less to experience more, but would love to hear your thoughts.
Look forward to your response,
Drew
mary in Texas says
My daughter and I would go to a craft store about once a year. One of her daughters started making things at a very early age. It was understood that she could pick out one thing at the store. She would go through the store looking at things, say “I like this. Maybe next time (knowing that next time might be a year away) I’ll get it. Finally after looking through the entire store she would have two or three things that she chose from. No demands for more since she thought in terms of “maybe next time”.
Carina says
Very insightful post, Joshua.