“We live in a very tense society. We are pulled apart… and we all need to learn how to pull ourselves together…. I think that at least part of the answer lies in solitude.” —Helen Hayes
We live in the information age.
Computers provide the opportunity to process enormous amounts of information. The Internet makes the constant flow of information from anywhere in the world possible. Social media ties together information and relationships. And smart phones have made information and relationship accessible anywhere/anytime.
This adds many benefits to our lives: we are able to accomplish more, broadcast further, connect easier, and process quicker.
But left unchecked, this information age also has its downsides. Consider the fact that we are constantly, at all times, digitally surrounded by others. For the first time in human history, the possibility for relationship with others exists around us at every moment of every day… whether we are at work, in our homes, in our cars, in the grocery store, at our son’s baseball game, or on vacation at the beach.
With the click of a mouse, the push of a button, or the flip of the phone, we are immediately rushed to a place teeming with others. And they immediately rush into our minds with reckless abandon.
Left unchecked, this constant stream of relationship can have some damaging effects on our lives:
- It becomes easy to constantly compare our lives to others. Because Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Tik-Tok often only tell one side of lifes’ story, it becomes commonplace to compare the worst aspects of our life to the publicized best aspects of others. Add to that the fact that television paints an unreal, often over-glamorized view of the world, advertisements remind us of everything that we still don’t own, and technology changes at light-speed pace. And once you get lost in the comparison game, you enter a never-ending downward spiral. Reality has been replaced by fiction.
- There is a constant need to impress. It is human nature to hide weakness and champion strength. We so desperately desire to be well thought of and looked up to. As a result, when we are in the company of others, we try to look our best, put-together, and in control. We hope to impress others… often building walls to hide our true selves in the process. This new, constant stream of virtual relationship muddies the water. There is no longer any opportunity for down-time. We must always be “on-our-game” trying to hide our weakness and champion our success.
- It is tempting to overlook the people right in front of us. We live in a world where we can check to see what anyone else in our life is doing in real-time. There is no need to hear about it later. We can just check right now… and it will only take a second. Unfortunately, when there are only 2 friends in front of us but 200 friends online, it becomes increasingly difficult to focus on the 2. This temptation to see what else is happening in the world is very strong. And it often comes at the expense of the people we are sitting with at the moment.
- The urgency of communication becomes greatly exaggerated. In a world where information is easily accessible and interpersonal relationships are always available, the urgency of communication begins to accelerate. Just because our cell phones allow us to be reached at any given point of the day (by voice or text) does not mean that an immediate response is necessary. Our lives continue. Unfortunately, because the world has collapsed around us, there is a growing sense that not giving an immediate response to texts/e-mails is rude. It is not.
- There is great opportunity to become overly-dependent on others. When the opportunity to be surrounded and validated by others is constantly present, the opportunity to rely upon those relationships to an unhealthy degree also presents itself. If we can receive feedback and praise from dozens of people at a moment’s notice, the ability to find personal satisfaction diminishes. We lose the ability to find security in our heart and soul – because the rush feels so good when we receive it from others.
- There is unlimited ability to ‘sell.’ When relationships are always available, there is never a moment in the day that we can not be busy selling something to somebody. In a world that spins on the foundation of the dollar bill, this can become very dangerous. Whether we are selling material products, intellectual products, or just ourselves, the opportunity to sell is always available. The store never closes. Customers always enter. And if we’re always busy chasing the next sale, there is little opportunity for contentment to take root.
- Silence becomes feared. When social media offers the illusion that all of our friends are at all times living in constant relationship, silence is feared. Silence begins to take on the meaning of “missing out” or “loneliness.” When all the world is achatter but you are sitting quietly, it can be a fearful thing. Unfortunately so.
- Our hearts are never searched and our lives are never evaluated. The constant flow of relationships and noise around us often distracts us from the most important thing in our lives: our heart and soul. The fear of solitude, the inability to disconnect, the lack of training in meditation, and the difficulty associated in looking deeply into our heart and soul means that we rarely do it. In a world where virtual relationships exist around-the-clock, the discipline to search our heart is rarely developed.
Despite the benefits, there is danger in constant relationship. We are wise to consider what they may be.
And we neglect time alone at our own peril.
Socorro Benz says
Great post. A few of the points you wrote about really hit home.
Jason @ Stop & Breathe says
Your point regarding the urgency of communication is a great one. Not long ago a family member became insulted when I didn’t return their phone call immediately after picking up their message. The convenience of our communications age has led people to expect certain behaviors. I find the same thing happening to me when I work too much, and so I regularly give myself phone free periods or days. It was challenging to do so at first, but once you get past the feeling that you’ll miss out on something, it becomes quite liberating.
Robin Johnson Simpson says
Love this, Joshua! I wrote a blog post a while back on facebook and twitter- the article echoes many of the concerns that you raise here.
http://frustratedfarmgirl.wordpress.com/2010/05/27/on-facebook-and-twitter/
Caroline says
Having just read The Lunatic Express by Carl Hoffman, I’ve become aware of the fact that solitude is a luxury that not everyone can afford. We’re lucky that people generally only overwhelm us digitally when many people in other countries are overwhelmed physically at all hours every single day of their lives. But at least that physical closeness is often a good thing, and they may not feel overwhelmed if they’re used to it.
Sometimes I just refuse to check my email / texts / voice mail for awhile (a few days, tops). I like to pretend that if I haven’t seen it, it doesn’t exist, or at least people can’t be upset if I don’t respond quickly. Of course, they don’t know I haven’t read the message at all, so maybe they do feel ignored :P
AnnMaria says
A few years ago, I decided I did not need to answer email or voicemail immediately. If I’m working on a program or report for one client and I get an email from another, I finish what I’m doing and then respond. While writing, I close my email and twitter. There have been zero complaints that I am not instantly available. That’s an unreasonable expectation and no one expected it but me. As an added benefit, I am far more productive when I sit down and work uninterrupted.
Bill Tozier says
Sorry, I cannot buy it. Historical exceptionalism fallacy.
My grandmother, growing up in a tiny Slovak mountain village in the 1880s, was surrounded by people comparing their lives to hers. The cultural importance of “keeping up appearances” and and trying to impress others was huge. Even in a small village, there were no doubt “unremarked” folks, the outsiders and edge cases who were either shunned or taken for granted, even though colocated.
Look at every one of those things on your list, and think of how it applies to a family reunion or a church congregation or a factory floor. We are no more “surrounded” by people now than we were when we had to walk past them every day to draw water from a well, or to go sit in a church with them three or four times a week, or to go stand next to them on an assembly line for 12 hours a day, six days a week.
laura m. says
Bill, I totally agree and I think there is much less physical contact now days. Email and social networks abound. Families are smaller and miles apart. As for time alone: I shut off phones in the evening and turn them on in the morning. I leave the answering machine on all day and return calls when I’m ready. Also the cell phone is rarely on and very few have our number. I don’t get involved with social networks as I find it a waste of time.
Jess@miniMum says
Bill, I hear what you are saying.
But there is a difference between being surrounded by actual people (as your grandmother was) and virtual people (as we increasingly are). Regardless of “public faces”, you will get a fuller and healthier connection with a person you’ve actually seen and spoken to.
“Social” networks online really do steal from real social connections.
http://minimalistmum.blogspot.com/2010/10/what-do-you-think-is-going-to-happen-in.html
Brandi McGreevey says
Perfectly written!
Lia says
As a writer/composer I need an extreme amount of silence and time alone. I have had to train friends and family to respect that time by continually telling them I only answer email and phone messages once a day at the end of the day, and that I NEVER check my email or facebook on the weekends. It’s taken almost a year, but they are finally beginning to understand.
Kudos on this and the rest of your blog. I found minimalism while at the Watermill Centre on a performance research residency. Your blog is an excellent reminder to me that I made the right choice.
Joel @ Freeing Truth says
You’re right on track with this one. It’s hard to recharge with so much distraction around us. At least for me, I regain my energy in solitude, and that can be broken with the constant bombardment of information.
Nicole says
YES YES YES YES. I must get my tween-age children to read this post – you have said everything I am thinking but oh so much better. Thank you :)
Mohamed Tohami | Midway Simplicity says
I totally agree with you Nicole. Joshua has beautifully said what we all are frustrated of, but don’t know how to express.
Francesca @verriorganized.com says
I second that! Thank you Joshua — hit it right on the head, perfectly. :)
Deb says
I third that! But how to get my children and husband to read this and understand the importance of it! They would be too busy checking their FB, twitter, texts and email!
Mash Bonigala says
Great article and I agree 100% with it and would embrace the tenets of it. However, to answer the question of how to get some who is too busy with FB Twitter, G+ etc, I would ask, how did you get to this article in the first place.
9 times out of 10, I would wager some one on your social network shared it (that is how I came upon it). So social networks are great and a necessary evil but as Joshua says, if it is “left unchecked”, it has it’s downsides. Balance and retrospection is the name of the game I suppose.