“How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself.” ―Marcus Aurelius
An old proverb tells the story of a person who repeated a rumor about a neighbor. Soon, the whole community had heard the rumor. Later, the person who spread the gossip learned that the rumor was untrue. He was very sorry and went to an elder in the community who had a reputation for great wisdom to seek advice. The elder told him, “Go to your home and take a feather pillow outside. Rip it open and scatter the feathers, then return to me tomorrow.” The man did as the elder had instructed.
The following day, he visited the elder. The elder said, “Go collect the feathers you scattered yesterday and bring them back to me.” The man went home and searched for the feathers, but the wind had carried them all away. Returning to the elder, he admitted, “I could find none of the feathers I scattered yesterday.” “You see,” said the elder, “it‘s easy to scatter the feathers but impossible to get them back.” So it is with gossip; it doesn’t take much to spread hurtful words, but once you do, you can never completely undo the damage.
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Quickly defined, gossip is talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature. And there are far better things to talk about than the sensational, intimate details of another.
Gossip almost always complicates our lives rather than simplifies. Unfortunately, gossip feels good and the short-term rewards often distract us from the fact that we know better. It makes us feel better about ourselves to know something about someone else and share that with another. Other times, speaking about the personal faults of others makes it easier to overlook our own.
Even under the best of motives, gossip almost always does damage to the relationship that we can never completely undo. Consider some of these life-complicating dangers of gossip:
- Damaged Relationships. When we learn that a friend has passed on a rumor about us – true, but confidential information – it always does damage to the relationship. The same is true when you are the one passing on the gossip.
- Trust is destroyed. It is virtually impossible to restore complete trust in a person who has shared your secrets with another. And it is vey difficult to trust someone who has just shared with you someone else‘s secrets.
- Adds unnecessary complexity. If you’ve ever told a secret that you don’t want somebody else to pass along, you know exactly what unnecessary complexity is. Gossip adds the nagging worry that word will make it back to the person or spread beyond our control.
- Devalues the relationship in front of you. Intimate, personal details about a person who is not there always removes you from your present reality and transports you somewhere else. Not only does it distract you from the relational opportunity in front of you, it puts you squarely in the middle of a personal scenario where you do not belong.
One important ingredient to simplify our lives is to avoid gossip at all costs. If gossip is a source of complexity in your life, try giving one of these steps a shot:
1. Appreciate the difference between “helpful” and “gossip.”
There are times in life when it is genuinely helpful for you to know the personal background or personal details of a friend‘s life. But if someone begins sharing intimate details of another‘s life and you are in no position to help (or have no intention to help), it is not helpful speech. It is gossip. And will only lead to disaster.
2. Stop it before it starts.
If your conversation begins to turn toward gossip, take the high road and end it. A simple sentence that goes like this, “I‘m not sure I‘m in a good position to be having this conversation,” quickly shifts the focus to yourself while communicating your point to your partner.
3. Engage in meaningful conversations about the people around you.
There is a 100% chance that you have not fully explored the deepest places of the heart and life sitting right in front of you. Rather than engaging in conversation about someone else, choose to ask deeper questions about the hopes, dreams, and fears of the people who are present.
4. Avoid the two greatest causes of gossip: pride and self-exaltation.
Gossip makes us feel better about ourselves because we get to revel in the fact that other people have problems too. This is especially gratifying when their problems are seen as more severe than our own. It is selfish pride and a need for self-exaltation that results in that mindset.
5. Stay positive with your speech.
Use positive words as much as possible – even when talking about another. Speaking positively about a person who is not present rarely leads to gossip and almost always leads to a closer ally. This positive speech will also encourage the people around you to do the same.
6. Celebrity gossip is still gossip.
Remember, just because they appear on magazine covers does not make their personal secrets fair game as a conversation topic. Gossip can appear on the pages of a magazine just as easily as it can during a conversation in your living room.
Is it just me or does it seem that with all the things that we could choose to talk about on any given day… the intimate details of another person’s life should be lower on the list than it usually is?
Image: B.Riordan.
This is very helpful. I need to apply this in my daily life… this is the one trait about myself that is very harmful for my life in all aspects.. and I kick myself after I do this…thank you so much for this article.
Once again Joshua, you have nailed it! This is wisdom everyone could benefit from. Thank you.
Dear Author
Reading your article was like having a breath of fresh air. I don’t believe in perfection but try not to judge others or contribute to gossip – gosh I find it difficult to hear something negative about someone especially if the deliverer of such ‘initiative’ expects me to contribute. Often I find that people are uncomfortable with my not wanting to say bad things about someone else – I feel physically unwell. Plus I don’t want to live with feeding more negative energy into our world which is already struggling to find balance…and now I safely feel that I don’t have to. Namaste
AS I HAVE GONE THROUGH WITH YOUR ATICLE ON “There are Better Things to Talk About Than Other People” IT IS VERY INTERESTING TO READ I MUST SAY AND PEOPLE GENERALLY LOVE GOSSIP WHO USED TO POINT OUT WEAKNESS IN OTHERS WITHOUT KNOWING THEIR OWN IT IS ONE OF THE BAD THING.KEEP YOURSELF AWAY FROM SUCH GOSSIP.
KEEP POSTING ARTICLE ON SUCH IMPORTANT TOPICS.
THANK YOU
Gossip is evil and mentally destructive. And we don’t need to add more fuel to the mental challenges so many are dealing with today. I will admit to some extent years I participated somewhat in ‘gossip’ but short lived given that’s not me. I see myself as more of a mentor, guide and lover. And with this I’ve shut doors on acquaintances, friends, family whom thrive on such. I’ve become more recluse with many and reserve myself for the positive people. We need more + and less – in this toxic environment. One to One we can change the world.
I have found one tricky way people gossip is to ask for prayer for someone. “Pray for so-and-so, they’re marriage is in trouble”… “pray for so-and-so, she just found out her teenager is pregnant”. They would argue it isn’t gossip because they believe they are helping… and some probably are genuine in that, but some are just wanting the gory details and disguising it as a “prayer request”
Good point
I agree.
I totally agree with your comment and seeing it used as a means to “self-exalt” while praying for “the sinner!” Those kinds of prayer requests should be offered as an “unspoken” request. It would be wise for the one taking the requests in a group to ask others to refrain from blurting things out that could be hurtful to others! Respect and healthy boundaries are a must for trust in a group!
Also, don’t “plant seeds” of gossip! Like “I wonder why …” That just incites a rumor to get started! Appearances NEVER present facts! Don’t judge a book by it’s cover! Slander can start law suits! Tame your tongue and love and encourage others!
Gossips were originally the group of women who supported a mother and midwife during the birthing of a child. They gave support and kept the men away.
It’s very strange how giving birth and the meaning of the word have changed.
This post really resonated with me though. It is a fault I am guilty of and I now feel it has to be one of my goals: to recognise when I am doing it and to stop.
Your “kept the men away” phrase sounds rather exclusionary and mean-spirited. Fathers have every right to be there (assuming the couple’s relationship is good).
Prayers are so helpful, make yourself whom is praying and asking others to feel good about yourself and the ‘victim.’
How interesting, Joshua, that you can see minimalism in gossip:)0 I guess that’s part of what you do, being a minimalist. Less is more. However, being less involved you can sometimes appear to be indifferent or too self centered. The balance is difficult here to find. I have the same problem with my twin daughters and my son. My daughters are so intimate with each other that when I get in the middle of the two, it is unbearable. Then my son is on the contrary, stick to his gut and is always up to something with his dad. I can sometimes find myself very on my own. So to say, it is hard to find a balance.
Hone a robe of mystery by finding things that interest you that you would enjoy learning more about, like Learni g about local geology or how to repair a broken vase with gilded metels or writing poetry znd submiting it a public space like scoop.it, mysterious sidewalk chalk art, don a mask and fight crime, watching\tracking migratory birds. Anything that doesnt require people to speak about people who arent present for the sake of making conversation.
James, I can’t express how much I appreciate your wisdom in this post.
Thank you 🙏