Well before the over-commercialization of holidays and society, gift-giving was practiced. It is a tradition as old as time itself.
Gifts can be given for the purpose of expressing love, showing appreciation, gaining favor, smoothing over a disagreement, or even manipulating for personal gain. Because of these varied motivations, our approach to decluttering gifts and handling holiday clutter can get complicated—especially if the motivations behind gift-giving are selfish in nature.
Before considering how to declutter gifts, it is important to articulate these motivations so we can recognize them and proceed appropriately.
Personally, I respect gift-giving as a love language and do not want to rob my family members of that joy. If this is their motivation, we prefer quality over quantity, needs over wants, experiences over products, and provide gift wish-lists whenever possible. For the kids, we reevaluate toy boxes and closet space a few months after the holidays to determine if there are items (new or old) to remove. The philosophy is simple, straight-forward, and easy to manage.
But, if the motivation behind gift-giving is manipulative in nature, I have other opinions. Gifts given with an hidden agenda are less appreciated. These can be difficult to recognize at first, but over time, givers with these manipulative habits will identify themselves. It is important to address your concern with this type of gift-giver—and this does not have to be done in a confrontational manner, it can still be accomplished with respect and tact.
Of course, the most difficult gift-giver to address is the one who should be motivated by love, but is motivated by selfish gain instead. It is important to be aware and assertive in these circumstances. Find a private moment to ask the giver if they are expecting anything in return for the gift. Allowing them to audibly declare “no” will be a helpful step for you and them. If the problem persists, it is within your right to not accept a gift. If this is the only way for the giver to recognize the severity of their problem, you may actually be giving them a gift by saying no.
For the sake of this conversation, let’s seek to address the genuine gift-giving process. Holidays, birthdays, and special circumstances seem to stack on top of one another. And given our culture’s propensity to commercialize any and every festival and celebration, the receiving of gifts and the subsequent clutter is most certainly on your mind.
How can we create space to both humbly accept gifts and remain clutterfree? What specific steps can we take to successfully overcome holiday gift clutter?
1. Begin with fewer possessions. We have celebrated numerous gift-giving holidays and special occasions since deciding to become minimalist. Each time, I am reminded one benefit of minimalism is that there is “room to add.” Because we have kept our personal belongings and kids’ toys down to a minimum through regular sorting and purging, there is room in our home for new things to enter. Although adding new things may seem counter-productive to the pursuit of minimalism, it is in fact, one good reason to consider it.
2. Make your gift requests known early. Though it does not always work out this way, gift-givers should desire to match their gifts with the receiver’s wishes. Creating gift lists and providing them to family members well in advance of holidays and celebrations can be a very helpful tool in limiting the clutter collection. Work hard to provide a wide-range of gift ideas varying in prices. Again, follow this formula: request quality over quantity, needs over wants, and experiences over products.
3. Make a memorable statement. Issue this Holiday Gift Exemption Certificate.
4. Be patient with your family. If living with less is a new pursuit for you, do not expect everyone else in your family to understand the first time around (especially if you are known for going through various phases in the past). Eventually, years down the road, they will begin to understand this is a lifestyle you are seeking to embrace for the long term and their gift-giving habits will likely evolve.
5. Humbly accept they may indeed have a good idea. Pride is always costly. It prevents us from seeing important life changes and other people’s points of view (among other things). This is important to remember when accepting gifts—especially from thoughtful gift-givers. When accepting gifts, embrace the idea that they may indeed know something that will add value to your life and benefit you in the long run. Be open to receiving their gifts and input. It would be foolish and proud for us to assume we know all the good things that could be added to our lives.
6. Purge guilt-free. It may take some time for you and your family to sort out which holiday gifts add value to your home and which only add clutter. With kids, it can often take months to determine which toys are a passing fad and which will become truly loved. Give it some time. But as the value of the gifts begin to reveal themselves, purge guilt-free. The gifts were given to you or your children (ideally with no strings attached). And, if they will find more use given to someone else, then please don’t hesitate to give them away. Rare is the gift-giver who wants their gift to be a burden on you or your home.
7. Reciprocate your request. You hope, desire, and expect other people to give gifts that align with your desires. Return the sentiment when you give gifts to others. Just because you make a desperate plea for experiences over products does not mean your brother, sister, father, or mother is requesting the same. If they would like new shoes, consider buying them new shoes. If they make it clear they desire a department store gift card for their birthday, at the very least, consider giving them a department store gift card. Giving gifts is an opportunity to show your love and appreciation. You can make your case for anti-consumerism at a different time.
Winston Churchill once wrote, “We make a living by what we get. But we make a life by what we give.” There are countless benefits to living with less. One of the greatest benefits is the newfound freedom to pursue generosity with our money, our time, and talents.
May we, as those who seek to live intentional lives, break free from the selfish tendencies of consumerism. And instead, choose to err on the side of generosity. May it be expressed in our gift-giving—and may we be generous in our gift-receiving as well.
About Joshua Becker
Thank you for the information regarding gift-giving and how to make it a more memorable experience for both parties. My wife always seems to know exactly what I want and I think that is because I always mention something to her. This way, it makes it easier for her to get me something and I actually get what I want! I never knew, however, that it is recommended to provide a wide range of gifts. I will have to try that! Thanks again!
I enjoy your blog immensely. Thank you for it.
My mother asked me what I wanted this Christmas, and I told her, “Nothing. I don’t want to accumulate stuff.” I guess she feels that gift-giving is a way to express her love and she still got me a gift. When she gave it to me, she assured me that it was “a consumable”. It was coffee, something I enjoy and drink plenty of. The gift wasn’t the coffee, but the respect for my strive for minimalism that she showed.
If you give gift cards, please consider not making them store specific. The very idea that there are gift card kiosks every where I turn suggest that the companies offering them find them to be very profitable. The most insidious profit motive is the knowledge that they will go un-used or that credit will be left on them. I found a $50 gift card in a parking lot last year for a restaurant that I would never patronize. The gift giver paid $50, the receiver lost $50, and I punted it to someone who may or may not enjoy it.
If you can’t find something meaningful to express your love through a gift, I guess it is better to give money to allow them to gift themselves, but at least let them get the full value.
This is all great stuff I am always wearing a sweater she got for me a few years ago thanks for sharing.Holidays gifts
Thanks once again for sharing your insights, Joshua. Giving gifts shouldn’t be about money or the value of the gift – it should be about the expression of love for the person.
Thanks for sharing the Holiday Gift Exemption Certificate. I’ve been wanting to share the idea of a Christmas without physical gifts but I’ve been worried about what they will think. Using a card like that which is filled with the positive benefits is a great way to solve broach the subject.
I recently wrote a post about meaningful gifts :) http://www.wholesomeroad.com/easy-wholesome-gifts-loved-ones/ The post includes a quote from Mother Teresa who said “It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.”
Much love and appreciation!
Hello, For years I have been trying to convince my family to give up exchanging gifts, in favor of giving whatever we can afford to those who have less. At some point I came to realize that the exchange of gifts is important to them. So this year and for the last several years, I’ve changed tactics. I limit my budget for family gifts, and I purchase them from charities or from fair trade vendors. If you would like to see my ideas, please see Better Ways to Give at http://www.ahhthesimplelife.com/better-ways-to-give/
Wishing all a wonderful holiday season, amd many blessings throughout the New Year.
Carol Ann
Good points, and it is ALWAYS upon us to be gracious recipients. My husband’s stepmother loves to shop for “bargain treasures” and every year we get a huge box of crap from her. It would hurt our relationship with my father-in-law if we asked that she curtail or redirect her energy. So every year when the box comes we make hot chocolate, have a hilarious gift unwrapping, and take it all to Goodwill the next day.
I like the point about not having much stuff in the first place. I am a single man with very little stuff and I am not very materialistic. I see my sister twice a year and she is always buying me clothes for Christmas and my birthday, so that about half of my clothes are from her. She has good fashion sense, so it works. I am always wearing a sweater she got for me a few years ago:)
Enjoyed this post very much, thank you. We try to keep things simple here with one gift each for immediate family (usually something they suggest they need). For example this year I will give my father a new pair of bike shorts – I’m afraid he’s flashing people out there on the trails with the holey ones he currently wears! When asked what I would like it didn’t go down too well but I know I will receive a set of tiny house plans (no clutter, something I really want and will use as I plan to start building in June 2015). When we get together as extended family on Christmas Day we have each been allocated one family member to buy for at a set $ amount. It’s fun to have to learn a little more about an extended family member and what they may need. Once children in the family turn 16 they become part of this too. We are forced to keep gifts simple out of respect for family members flying in from overseas to celebrate knowing they can’t carry much home with them.
Here, in Brazil, now we have a Brazilian Black Friday but in some stores it begins on Thursday and goes until Saturday. It’s disgusting. I totally disagree with this insanity.
Thanks Joshua for everything you write and post. :)
This is all great stuff. We actually purged toys in the fall so that “Santa” would know that my daughter had outgrown some of her toys and needed some new things. Any of those toys that were in good condition we would clean and take to a local donation center. We also began a tradition of “something you want, something you need, something to wear and something to read.” (along with stucking stuffers. While sometimes one of those categories might entail more than one item (i.e., something to wear might be a top and a bottom), it really did help us eliminate much of the clutter under the tree.
These are some great ideas and thoughts Joshua particularly on matching (especially family’s) realisations together with the minimalist movement. Having just moved to Sydney I am trying to use it as a good way of living without so much and as such am asking my family for digital gifts this year such as itunes or Amazon giftcards so that we can still give/receive but without the clutter!
My husband and I, we are very blessed to receive generosity from many people in our family, and we have communicated to both of our families our expectations and desires to live simply and what we personally are also able to give, which is not much. Most of our family is very understanding.
But I struggle with my grandparents–who obviously enjoy gift giving, but it’s so insane the amount of stuff/junk/disposable items they give… they have made it pretty clear that its quantity over quality that matters to them. My grandfather said that he does it because he never had happy Christmas because of the poor and broken family he came from.
But it’s just way to much!! The last several years, with in the few months after Christmas, we have just donated/trashed the toys and gifts that don’t fit into our life. Even thought I’ve said it’s too much it doesn’t get through. I don’t know how else to approach it.
Maybe you could suggest to your Grandparents that they could take your kids shopping for less fortunate children. Operation Christmas Child, Angel Tree and many other organizations would be a good place to start. This way, your Grandparents could share the joy with your children of helping to make other children’s Christmas morning a happy time.
Definitely one of the biggest anxiety provoking is the gift giving season.
It’s a “habit”, a part of the culture that can be quite hard to break from, even more with kids, but by bringing presence to our choices of being more, doing more together as a family, and acquiring less, we are slowly shifting away from it.
As our kids are getting older we’re being able to get “more fun” during the holidays, than more stuff. It’s being a learning curve, both for us as giver as for them as receivers, but we’re enjoying the process.
Another timely message
Joshua, you are a good writer. Please consider deleting the phrases “so&so “once said” or “once wrote” such &such.” We do not care how many times he said/wrote it. The only reason we care to read the quote is because who said it. Yes, you do you this phrase frequently in your blog and books. Put this email into perspective, I read your all good work and this is the only (and minor) criticism I have.
@@ OMG @@ Life is WAY too short to sweat the small stuff—especially things that don’t even concern you.
Praise publicly, criticize privately.
This is timely for me. I’m sitting here tonight trying to find a way not to bring more toys into the house. We are blessed with an entire playroom/library with floor to ceiling shelves neatly organized with lots of great books and toys. We have purged and purged and now all we have left are wooden blocks and other building toys like Lego/Duplo, Board games and huge sets of Playmobil. Everything is neatly contain except for the Playmobil buildings that don’t fit on the shelves; so they fit under a bed on wood boards. One child wants one new (huge) Playmobil set but doesn’t want to get rid of the other sets. They’re played with daily. Relatives will chip in on the one set. I’m at a loss because this child will soon be “too old” for these toys, and only wants this one gift. Yet there’s no where left to put it. The blocks and Duplo are for the toddler that doesn’t ask for anything new. :) And I feel like we have a great amount of wonderful toys without needing anything new ever since the toddler will grow into the big toys. We can only store and rotate a small amount due to lack of storage space. Really I have to find something else to go-but I want him to pick what will go.
I hate the forced giving and receiving of gifts. I usually receive useless, thoughtless, cheap gifts (BBQ spice and meat cook book for a vegetarian?!). I feel they were given out of obligation. I’m trying to find a way to have a stuff-less Christmas, but I’m not allowed to bring up the subject with the in-laws.
So….I really enjoy this amazing place on the web. And this article is, as usual, chock full of provoking ideas.
But….at first glance I thought it said:
Overcome Holiday Gift Glitter
I was thinking “Great! Another holiday “trend” to add to the craziness of the season! When will people realize they neef to simplify….Oh. Nevermind.”
im sure there’s a lesson here somewhere!
I always have a list of things I need – including books — I know, some of you are appalled, but we are readers in this house and some books are worth keeping — for the holidays because my birthday is around the same time and people want to know what I want! I always need new socks this time of year — just something to plan around peeps!
Nice point. I must say that here in Italy at the moment there are two different kind of “gift-buyers”: those who care of the gift and of the people who will receive it, and know that they don’t need to spend a lot of money for it, and those who just want to show how great they are because they can buy huge expensive gifts. Often both people in the two categories haven’t that much money for buying gift, but the first group will think and be creative and find something nice or homemade for the gifts, the other group will have debts in January! In my family and with my close friends we are all aware that the times are hard, so small gifts, often found on gift lists or with “family polls” :-) are always appreciated. We often make homemade delicatessen like jams or cookies: they are fun to prepare, always appreciated from those who receive them and most of all, there’s no clutter (apart for the liver, sometimes!). Me and my boyfriend usually don’t buy Christmas gifts for each other because we like to go on a small vacation: experiences over stuff.
This is great!! I’m planning on sharing a “gift guide for the minimalist in your life” this upcoming week, because I believe that people should think beyond Black Friday when it comes to gifts for the holidays.
It can be difficult with all the chaos that surrounds holidays. Thank you for all your advice, you truly are an inspiration to do better in life.
I started a messaging board forum for people who want to discuss minimalism. If anyone wants to join that would be awesome.
http://becomingminimalistic.net/forums/
Wise and timely advice. I am very fortunate in that several in our family prefer to receive charitable contributions in their names — a gift of clean drinking water through Compassion International, for example. We all have everything we need.
For the 20-somethings in our lives, who are just starting out, a gift certificate seems most practical, although not very sentimental. Then they can choose what they need.
I am knitting dishcloths for people’s stockings — useful, and a gift of my time and love.
I haven’t commented before, but just want you to know I appreciate your blog so much.
I feel that those of us trying to live a minimalist/simple lifestyle have taken to the opposite extreme of consumerism and vilified gifts. To give a gift does not necessarily contradict minimalism, and to reject one creates more complications than needed.
Thomas à Kempis wrote “a wise lover values not so much the gift of the lover as the love of the giver.”
Gifts received with appreciation and given from a spirit of cheer – what could be more in keeping with the message of Christmas than that.
Timely and very applicable post, Joshua.
Well said Cheryl.
Love this post and your blog. I only take issue with the list-giving. Sometimes, it makes a lot of sense, especially for close relatives who know they will be exchanging gifts. But sometimes it goes too far and then the process of gift giving is traded for just doing someones else’s shopping for them. The original intention is lost and instead of saying “this made me think of you”, you are saying “you told me to buy this so I did.” I was recently at a toy store and saw a stack of boxes with kids’ names. I was hoping they weren’t what I thought they were, but then I saw an 8 year old pick up an empty box and go through the store picking out toys…for his friends to buy him for his birthday! I thought about him unwrapping presents at (or nowadays more likely after) his party, and felt bad that he wouldn’t be getting any surprises, that he wouldn’t be allowing his friends to introduce him to things he might not know about. When we try to control too much, I think we lose a lot.
Excellent points!!
I agree with you, it all depends on how the list is used. I think the key is to see the lists as a guide, not an absolute must-have. You can always put experiential gifts, homemade gifts, (my mom makes the best bread I have ever tasted), and donations made in your name on the list as well. My family has been doing this for years and it works out well. It gives me an idea of what concert my mother may want to attend or which charity my brother may wish to support if I don’t already know.
Annie — I love your three ideas — experiential, home-made, and donations. That is the perfect way to receive something personally meaningful and non-cluttering. (Well, non-cluttering if if “home-made” means mom’s bread or another consumable!)
It isn’t a totally bad idea. When children receive multiple copies of whatever popular gifts are trending, it can make the one giving the gift feel bad. Each child wants their gift to feel appreciated and enjoyed. We had a few upset gift givers one year, due to the fact that multiples of the same gift was given…and it wasn’t a big party (I think there were 8 guests).
I love the ‘Humbly accept they might have a good idea’ point. It is so easy to get enamoured with your own opinions and thoughts – especially when you are passionate about it, like I am about minimalism. But when someone I love has a good idea about something that I might like or need or want, then I have to concede to them. For example, I have had my mattress for a couple of years now and it is looking worse for the wear. My mother suggested I replace it, and she bought me one as I am unemployed at the moment. I wanted to refuse this thoughtful gift, but I am glad I humbly accepted and received it. It was good for my health, it made her happy and it was a win-win situation.
I respect that some family members do look forward to shopping and buying and giving gifts as an expression of love but in my case, these are the same people populating the stores on Black Friday. After years of receiving wish lists from adults in our extended family, I bristle at the suggestion of creating one myself because I feel as though it encourages further commercialization of the season. This is definitely my least favorite part of the holidays.
My mother frequently asks about gifts she’s given us in the past. She is offended if she comes to our home and doesn’t see them. She also refuses to get things from our list, declaring she wants to get us something “fun”. Her definition of “fun” and ours is very different!
Gifts should not have strings attached. Once they are given, they belong to the receiver and he or she can do whatever they want with them. An effort by a giver to control the way a gift is used, is just that — it is controlling. If a receiver gives in, he or she is giving up freedom, the freedom to choose. The receiver may begin to resent the giver and/or the gift.
A gift is sth special. Like I receive special gifts from my niece – a picture she drew of me is much more cherished than the shower gel from my mom.
Timely message before the shopping frenzy begins the day after Thanksgiving (if not before). One more point – to some people, who have more money than they know what to do with, the value of a $100 gift is less to them than it may be to the recipient who does not have those resources. Accepting generosity in that position can be difficult. “How do I reciprocate?” “How do I not feel uncomfortable accepting such a lavish gift?” You brought up some questions that no one wants to admit to – the gift giver’s ulterior motive. Grandparents buying love. Boyfriends buying affection. Spouses buying points. As, we say at our house, “Christmas is a loaded gun and gifts are the bullet.” We refrain and enjoy each other’s company and keep the food simple. Excellent post, Joshua.
LL, it sounds from your comment that no one in your family has ever received a gift given for the sake of love and that makes me sad.
Pay attention to what they like. My auntie once made me a yams with marshmellows pie. It made me SO HAPPY. Even though I have tried making it, it never comes as good as hers. My mom gave me a thing to put my tea leaves, it looks like a strawberry. I was over the moon when I opened it. My bf said “wow, I wish you had been that excited when I gave you the engagement ring” to which I replied “I love tea, and will be using this all the time. But I have never wore an expensive ring in my life, what made you think a diamond ring was going to make me happy?” It’s not about the money you spend, it’s about the little details. It’s about paying attention to what your loved ones like.
My “tip” —graciously give—and graciously receive. :) It’s only once a year, so we may just have to bite the bullet. Not everyone is on the same page as we are and a simple “thank-you” is sometimes all that is needed. So glad to have this website, Joshua. Always thankful you are here.